Just a Thought

My parents were putting up Christmas decorations so I decided to make Snicklerdoodles. I had 4. Also, before, I decided that I don't like starving. Well, I've said this on here before, but I mean I don't like the emptiness. I'd much rather eat 35 fat-free calories every 3-4 hours, than go 12 hours without eating. And I've already established that I'm not a faster. My metabolism HALTS when I fast. Not even exaggerating. At least I'm being "healthier", not eating crap and focusing on eating as little as I possibly can. So because of the Snickerdoodle disaster tonight, I'm gonna have to work out again tomorrow. I've been working out like a dog all week...I did TWO intense hours today. On less than 150 cals! I have NO IDEA how I managed 30 minutes on the stationary bike. NO IDEA. I have NO IDEA how I managed to walk around campus without falling over, although I felt close to it at times.

ANYWAY. Should I do a vlog? I want to, but I'm nervous... I feel...too ugly?, I think. My fucking thick-ass hair, enormous bulgy eyes. Okay, haha, I'm not that ugly. Forget it, I'll pick a pretty day and do a vlog. Haha. Everyone's doing it.

Take Your Taste Back

All right, all right. So, tonight...I actually ate a dinner. I haven't had a LEGITIMATE meal in a week. Mostly I just have tiny snacks all day. But tonight, I was watching Weeds and this pizza commercial came on JUST as I got up to get a fat-free yogurt. It drove me so crazy, I literally rewinded the TV to watch it again. Into the kitchen, I went. It would have been a binge, but it wasn't. I ate my mother's amazing Indian food: chickpea masala, with...white bread. Damn. I was controlled though, the whole time. I knew perfectly well what I was doing, and the whole time the voice in my head begged me to stop, but I didn't. In total, that was about 300 calories and 10 grams of fat. Shit...For a person who usually eats 300 calories in a whole day, that IS a binge! But I'm not thinking much about it.

I'm gonna be a superstar all weekend. You know how I know? Because I weighed-in tonight at 101.8 lb. That's right. 101.8. *bows* I stepped on that scale 3 times to make sure. That dinner will be nothing. (Touch wood) Tomorrow, I'll follow my usual plan, and at the party "I ate before I came," and since it's at Scooters, I'll be burning TONS of cals skating. Whoa! It's like everything's just handed to me! Thanks so much for the advice, petals. I love the vegan excuse, I'm totally using it. I even brought up veganism with those friends once. I didn't work out today. I thought about it, but my biceps are sore, my shoulders are sore. Don't even get me started on my legs. Tomorrow, I'll be skating for God knows how long, that'll be good exercise. Let's do something fun, let's bet on how much I'll weigh by Sunday! Haha, I have wayyy to much fun with this ED, or whatever it is I have.

OH, and that friend! I sat next to her in Bio today. We started talking about Wintergirls, she said she'd lend it to me, so I told her about Wasted and that I'd lend it to her. Then she brought up Ellen Degeneres' wife's book on her anorexia. (It JUST came out, it's called Unbearable Lightness.) Then she took out this cereal called Cheerios, saying, "There's only 100 calories and 1 gram of fat, per CUP." We each had 10 Cheerios. Then she said, "Ohmagawd, like, two years ago, my doctor, like, I got down to 95 lb so my doctor made my mom, like, sit with me for every meal, it was awful." JUST LIKE ME. So I exclaimed, "Oh my God, like, ME TOO, I got down to 90 lb two years ago, and my mom would sit with me during and 20 minutes after I finished!" She said, "Aw, to make sure you wouldn't purge?" I nodded, and she said, "Damn, 90? What are you at now?" I told her 102, then we talked about going to the gym together. I am pretty flabbergasted at all this, but I'm still keeping my guard up. It's too weird to be real.

Still Motivated

Check out the obliques on Miss Alisha:

Okay, so this pictures is from a week ago. Look at all that fat, don't worry it shall vanish soon. I prommmmise. There is a sexy toned six-pack under all that. I've seen it before. I know it's there. A real update soon. xoxo

C'est Moi

Me. Excuse my disgusting hips.

Clavicles.

Close-up of the arm.

Proof that I'm a tank.

Haha. Not really. Anyway, I thought progress pictures would motivate me. I'm probably gonna take these down soon. Too embarrassing. Oh, and I swear, in that last picture, my pits aren't hairy, it's just a shadow!

Safety

Dammit, my jeans are too lose. Don't get me wrong, I hate tight clothes, but jeans can only be so lose before the start to look ugly on you. My jeans, that I swear were too tight 2 weeks ago, are extremely lose and baggy...and a belt doesn't help much because they're baggy around the butt and thighs...So THAT'S why I look stumpy in the mirror, my pants are too lose! Arg. I'm gonna dig up my jeans from 2 years ago and throw my current ones in the dryer for a bit to shrink them. But hey, I'm losing weight! Yay! I am so glad this week is over. I'm gonna catch up on my sleep this weekend.

Today, I ate a little more than usual, but not by much. Today, about 600 calories. The only difference, is that I didn't work out today. Needed a break. Tomorrow, I'm gonna do lengths at the pool for an hour: low-impact, but effective, cardio. I came home at 8 PM and binged on almond butter, a slice of bread with olive butter, and a handful of chocolate chips. So I purged it all. Then did it all again. The second time around, I don't think I got all the chocolate out. Chocolate is so hard to purge...Anyway, I'll be okay. I'm not in binge mode. It's going to be a safe weekend.

OH FUCK!, I just remembered it's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada! Dinner at my nana's on Sunday and dinner with my family on the holiday Monday! Dammit! I cannot get out of Thanksgiving dinners. I'll just have to...be on my guard, eat as little as possible, stay focused...stay strong...Whenever my nana has dinners, they comment on my eating and tell me to take a lot of food. It's so awkward for me, and especially since they don't know about my past eating issues, I can always feel my parents' eyes on me...I am too strong, and I have come to far to slip up now. You girls should see my toned thin arms and my solid abs! I just need to burn more fat to fix my hips and eat less to make my tummy concave and expose my bones.

The Comeback

I went out with a couple of friends today. We went walking in a little village. I went to the washroom, which was a single room. I wanted to see if my stomach had expanded a lot from lunch, so I lifted up my shirt and looked at my torso front and side. I cannot deny it; I looked incredulously thin. Abdominal muscles showing, visible ribs...I felt really happy with that! BUT here's the thing: Yes, I have an extremely thin upper body, but my body is not proportionate...My hips and thighs are where all the weight is. As soon as you look past my waist, my hips look like each side is trying to fucking stretch to the Middle East or something. And my thighs...jiggle jiggle jiggle! EEEEKK, fatness! One of my thighs is not even equal to both my arms. Urgh. It sucks being this curvy...Maybe I wouldn't be as ugly if I had bigger breasts to proportion it out...

After a few days of slowly getting back on track, I already feel better. I feel happier about my life and my miseries aren't as big a deal when I'm losing weight. Orientation week starts on September 1. I'm so nervous. I don't know anyone and I'm not even staying in residence. I actually can't wait to start school and my new life and be away from this stupid home more and starve more. Of course, I don't tell anyone this. I will be lovely. I'll be everything I ever dreamed of.

My pics and a desperate want

So, that's fat me. Tell me what you think. I can be so much skinnier if I just put in the effort. I think I've managed to get my parents off my back, a little, so hopefully I can lose at least 4 pounds in the next 20 days. I'm going to be 18 in one week, and I'm obviously not going to reach my goal of 98 lb by then.

Here's the thing: I really want to be back at 101 lb, like I was two months ago. I mean, I want this so bad. It makes me sad to think about how much I've gained and how wide my hips have gotten. So I'm going to start eating less fat and less carbs at night. Restricting doesn't seem to work for me. Maybe one day, but for now, it doesn't work. I went running today, intervals, in my new expensive running shoes. I felt good and the lovely weather made it that much nicer.

I told my parents about wanting to go to U of T and staying in residence, and boy, they freaked out. They never really THOUGHT about me leaving home. Never. My dad even admitted that they are overwhelmed. They are giving me crap about the price of residence, but I mean, they're loaded...Who asked them to take us on at least 3 luxury vacations every year? Who asked them to send us to private school all our lives? Who asked them to buy more cars than we need?

I just really need to escape. My house is a lonely box that holds me back. I would love to go away and not have unhealthy food around me all the time, and eat only if I wanted, and stay out as late as I want, and go to the gym whenever I want...and be in control of my own life.