Why I've Been So Distant/Lowest Weight Pictures

-Instead of blogging about it, I do something about it.

-I do push-ups. I stretch. I do calf raises for 2 minutes while my tea steeps.

-I'm too busy focusing on things other than food/eating, that I literally forget about it (hence, giving me nothing to blog about).

Essentially, I don't even THINK about eating, thinspo, etc. I have my plan and I stick to it. All I really know, is that I have to workout for at least an hour everyday and that I can't eat fat and that I can only eat every 4-5 hours. It's hard to explain. And if I go on the Internet, I just check what's new on Youtube and Tumblr for about 15 minutes, after which I get bored, so then I read, study, or do some calisthenics. I have realized that I just have to stop worrying about what I'm going to eat, and merely eat the bare minimum. Enough to get by. Food was never the problem. It was just me.

Mark my words. I'll be in the 90 lb range for my 19th birthday on May 24. I am laughing at how I used to let food control me. I am laughing at how I used to let little things get in my way. Regardless of how shitty I feel, an hour at the gym will ALWAYS make me happy. That's why I make myself go; it'll be worth it. Tomorrow, I'm going to set the scene for a good week, by not having any Nutella. Anyway, I hope I've inspired some of you! I'll catch up on your blogs after my French test tomorrow! xo Oh yeah, here's pictures of me when I was a skinny bitch. 95-ish lb. I'm in the white shirt. Ignore the strangeness of the pictures, it was after Warped Tour '08.

A Deadline and Felice Fawn

That last post was about my agoraphobia. My social anxiety issues. I'm getting a therapist to help me deal with social situations/going outside, NOT to get rid of my ED issues. No. I need to get thin, first, haha. Key word: NEED. Like, I know for a fact that once I lose these shitty 10 lb, I will be confident again. Losing weight is the key to my happiness and my success. It works every time. It's the weekend, and I will not binge. Nope! I'll be controlled alllll weekend. Why? Because I have 4 weeks to lose 10 lb. I am DOING this. I'm treating this like a deadline, a project that cannot be late. I'm not a loser. I'm a winner. I fight for what I want.

I am envious and obsessing over Felice Fawn.

(Except I want nothing to do with Satanism.)

Life's What You Make It

Clubbing is stupid. Clubbing is stupid. I'm never going clubbing again. For the rest of my life. I knew it. I knew that it wouldn't be for me. I'm not that kind of person, UNLESS I have vodka. Motherfucking Jersey Shore-type of guy comes up and started grinding away, like fuuuuck, and my friend told me to just go along if that happens so I did for a while. And the whole time I felt so violated and dirty and...wrong [for me]. It was not my thing. After a couple minutes I stopped. After 30 minutes at the stupid club, I told my girls I was going to leave and that I can't stay unless I have the alcohol and they just stared at me like I was some sort of freak and I bolted. Pushing though hundreds of people. Running and slipping outside though the fresh 3 cm of snow, dashed into a cab to Union Station, missed the 10:20 bus by three minutes, caught the 11:20 bus, and day-dreamed until I got home at 1:20 AM. I know who I am and I'm happy to be me. I'm happy to be a loner rather than go clubbing.

I want to make my life feel the way I feel when I look at pictures/videos of Karlie Kloss. It's the last week of February and I'm making it count. Major restriction in effect for this whole week. It's reading week, so I have the week off school and I plan to "practice" starvation so that my body will be "used" to it by the time I go back. I've had 100 calories of yogurt and raspberries so far. Today, I am strong and will ignore hunger pangs. I have a goal in mind and I plan to accomplish it. I am going to turn heads. My life is centered around controlling what I eat and how I look. It is the root behind why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do. I am embracing it, "embracing ana" because it is my life and I have to fulfill a need. Therefore I cannot eat that junk. Today will be lovely, just like this whole week off.

I hope everyone is doing okay. xo

I Am Not A Robot

As a girl who goes to the gym close to every single day, I see it all. I know the regulars, which trainers work when, specific routines people have... I see all sorts of people at the gym. And I analyze them. I'm not gonna go into details, but there's just this one thing I want to put out there. You get the overweight boys/men, who sweat for 5 minutes on the treadmill and spend 2 hours going from machine to machine every Monday; they walk out of the change rooms eating chocolate bars. Then you get the overweight girls who spend an hour dripping all over the elliptical twice a week, and walk out of the change rooms drinking Cokes. Here's where it gets good. Then you get these slim lovely girls running on the treadmill (at most three times/week), their perfectly ponytailed hair swishing from side to side. They're beautiful, pretty fit, and they have maintained this figure since September. Then you get girls like me. We hit the gym every single day, up to 10 hours per week, yet we manage to gain 12 lb between December and January. I make myself sick.

Like I said, I'm moving past the person I used to be. I'm making a commitment to controlling this. I control my body. Hunger does not control me. Food does not control me. Mind over matter. I am going to be everything I said I'd be this year. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I have a little agoraphobia going on. I don't know how to fix it and, yes, I'm afraid it'll ruin life for me, but all I really NEED to do right now is lose 15 lb. Let's just focus on one thing at a time. Maybe if I lose 15 lb, I'll be less afraid of leaving the house and being around people. Maybe that'll fix it.

SGD Prep

This is just sooo stupid, how much I hate myself. I hate how I'm all talk no action. Like, I have no words for my pathetic-ness. Moving on. In preparation for starting the Skinny Girl Diet tomorrow, I'm creating my diet for the week. I'm doing that TODAY. This is going to be fun. I'm cutting out grain products, like bread, oatmeal, muesli, rice, etc. I'm going to be living off non-fat yogurt, fruits, vegetables, green tea, and water. To be completely honest, I feel ready. I feel strong enough to do this. I don't want to live my life unhappily fat. I want complete control over my life and my body. I've got school under my arm, it's just a matter of losing weight now.

Days 1-5:

breakfast- yogurt+raspberries= 100 cals

lunch- apple= 70 cals

Snack- yogurt= 35 cals

Dinner- chicken breast=50 cals

Snack- arugula+balsamic= 25 cals

I actually have no idea how to deal with more calories than that. I mean, I WANT to fast, but I don't want to mess with my metabolism like that. Haha. I'll ease into starvation. And I don't think I'll ever fast because I drive to school everyday and I'm not about to put other lives in danger just because I want to be thin. Sometimes when I study, I can't focus properly because all I can think about is food. It's not because I haven't eaten in a while; it's because...I'm obsessed with food. I've realized that just because it's food, doesn't mean I have eat it. Food is not for me. Not for a while. This is the life I've chosen. So if I get distracted by food when I study, I'll brush it off, won't give in. I'm happy that this is something I struggle with. I'd rather struggle with an eating disorder than cutting or drugs; or feelings or boys, for that matter.

On Friday, my intention was to go shopping and buy everything, since I hadn't been shopping in 2 months. But instead I bought a few things for the price of everything. Funny thing is I'm not done yet. It's so hard to find the stuff I'm looking for in shopping malls. So I'm looking online. Any recommendations for online shopping?

The Monster in the Mirror

When I was extremely "sick" in 2008-2009, I did some crazy things. Despite being crazy, they kept me thin at 90 lb and getting thinner. I used to wake up early so I could eat breakfast in solitude. I would take a slice of bread and measure the height, width, and length to calculate the volume. Then I'd cut the crusts off and measure the height, width, and length of that to calculate that volume. I'd make ratios with the volumes and the given calorie content so I'd know exactly how many calories I was eating. Everything I ate was measured. I trained myself to know exactly what one teaspoon of rice looks like, so I'd be able to calculate my calories after having eaten with family; I mentally kept track of each teaspoon I ate. I even know exactly how one cubic inch of chicken should look. I was obsessed with calorie counting and keeping my intake as low as possible. 'Christ, you can't have ANOTHER grape, that'll make your intake for today 4!!!' Looking back, I think the only reason I actually ate was so I could have calories to count.

What I'm trying to say, is that...I wish I could be as strong as I was 2 years ago. I know I have it in me. So I'm going through my old journals. I'm going to try to be that same "sick" girl. It's what I want. Today I was trying to figure out if I should go to Timmy's and get a bagel. Well, actually, I was mostly trying to figure out if I should eat. I was such a battle trying to figure it out, I got so frustrated. It was like this: If I don't get the bagel, I won't be happy and it'll be on my mind; If I do get the bagel and eat it, I will end up feeling sad about it. I didn't get the bagel. It was just too complicated and I couldn't justify it properly. I want to lose 3 lb this week and I want to be 103 lb by February 4. I'm gonna DO IT.

I love ballet so much. I'll be so much better when I get back to 103 lb. I was never big on working out my lower body, because of my large thighs, but I'm starting to feel my butt...jiggle when I do this one ballet move called a bourree. That jiggling will stop; I've started doing lots of squat variations. February 4...I will be 103 lb or less. Promise.

Loner

Oh my God. I feel really gross right now. Like, I feel like shitting my brains out, except I don't have to. I want to because I've eaten so much. My poor stomach is full way over capacity. Oh shit. I feel so sick. I'm never bingeing again. Oh my god, this feels worse than when laxatives start to take effect. I'm drinking green tea right now, but shit-on-my-face, I feel so sick. I have this blog strictly for motivation and thinspiration purposes. It's supposed to be a thinspiring blog, that's what it was always meant to be. But I have built such close relationships with you all, that I feel like I can share something with you: I've become really depressed over the past few weeks, and it's been taking me over. It's very bad, but I'm trying to fix it. I always try. I'm a fighter. I keep thinking I should see a doctor or counsellor, but I can't because my problem won't let me: I might have agoraphobia, I did some research. I am just so afraid of everything. Literally. I'm not exaggerating. I'm afraid of everything. Socializing. People. Being around people. People looking at me. Leaving my house. Walking to class. Talking to people. Exploring my world.

That being said, I'm ready to take a stand. I'm going to take a stand against myself. If self-starvation is the only thing I have left, so be it. I'm ready to become the thinnest I have ever been. I'm going to get rid of these love handles. I am going to fight and fight. So even if I am destined to be a loner forever, at least I will be thin. And beautiful. This is all I have. I'm a fighter. I'm fighting for thin.

Breathe

It has come to my attention that my Lifestyle Plan is based on the fact that I don't get sad/stressed/angry. I need to make some adjustments. OH! I have also realized that I haven't been on blogger in a while! I haven't been updating/commenting because I've been so focused on school and losing weight. I've lost 3 lb since Monday, which is good. I binged today, but I saw it coming 100%. I lost my cell phone, got depressed, skipped the gym, got depressed about skipping the gym, left school, got depressed about going home, went to the library, got depressed about seeing happy high school kids, drove home, got depressed about the whole situation that's my life. Here's the adjustment to my plan of action: When I get sad/stressed/angry, do not move, do not go anywhere, do not do anything. Just sit. Think. Breathe. Then turn on the kettle and have some green tea. Put everything aside when these feelings occur. Just drink the tea, and isolate yourself with your thoughts.

So much is going on. I'm in a weird place. I'm figuring things out, but it's gradual. I'm realizing how strong I am, but the strength comes in spurts. I can't explain it. I'll do a real update this weekend. I love everyone who reads and support my blog. xo

It's Over

Okay, that's it. I'm way to sad to deal with all this shit. I had enough experience dealing with bullies, being stood up, let down and back-stabbed when I was 14. I shut down my emotions after leaving that school. But I never lost faith in humanity. There was always a part of me that believed that one day I'd be okay, I'd be happy, and I'd have real friends one day. But now I'm in university. Nothing's different. And my faith in humanity is diminishing. I haven't found happiness or friends yet. During orientation week, I introduced a friend from my high school to another friend and now the two of them are closer than either of them ever were to me. They had invited me to go clubbing with them on Thursday, but never got back to me on the details. Now their Facebook statuses are like "riding through Toronto in a limo, singing at the top of our lungs, taking pics with strangers at the CN Tower and dancing the night away...best night of uni." Well, that's what I always wanted, to have friends and go on adventures like that and have fun like that. But I don't. I have zero friends. I have no emotions. I have no fun. I'm not happy. And I'm not even thin!

So why am I saying all this? I'm saying that I'm done. It's over. I through looking. I don't need friends. I don't need them to be happy. There is only one thing that I need: to be thin. If I can grasp the control over my life, lose 20 pounds, stay strong...then I'll be happy, I'll be satisfied. So I'm not going to eat anymore. Just the bare minimum. This is self-destruction at its finest. I mean, who do those girls think I am anyway?! I suppose they know that I'm a bit reserved. But what if I said to them on Monday, "So thanks for getting back to me about Thursday night!" I should put them on the spot like that. What would they say? What does that tell me about them? Those bitches. Those Christian, youth-group goers, family-oriented, two-faced, no-good bitches. All this talk is probably making me seem very ugly, I'm sorry.

So I guess that's that. I've finally found the motivation to stop eating. I have no one and probably I never will. So I might as well stop eating and lose this weight. At least it keeps me busy, happy, goal-oriented, mentally strong...I only have myself. It's time to do this right. Once and for all.

Fight It

I'm sick. Greeeaaat. My eyes won't stop watering. My nose is stuffed. My throat is swollen...This sucks. I can't concentrate on anything. This week has been so exhausting. I can't wait for the weekend. Something's happening to me. I can't shake it, but I have to figure it out. Things are keeping me up at night. Things are frightening me. Things are overwhelming. Sometimes I think of killing myself. But that's why I turn to weight loss. When I lose weight, when I control my intake and my body, I feel at peace. I feel happy. I feel like I can accomplish anything. The "fuck it" attitude (which often leads to binges) is the worst possible attitude to have. I have to remember that my entire life revolves around my body image. This is who I am. Without ED, I'm nothing. I have to lose weight, I have to! I gained 6 lb over Christmas. There. I said it. I'm a fighter, though. I'm going to fight everything. I'm going to WIN. I'm going to lose weight, consistently. This is the year I reach my ultimate goal weight of 93 lb.

And thanks, girls, for the advice on the boy! I'll keep you updated!

Lifestyle Plan

So many of you wanted me to post my new lifestyle plan, so here we go! The editor was messing up the last couple times I tried to post it... Anyway, this plan lays out a beautiful life. It's what I've always strived for. I hope it inspires some of you lovelies! Let's do this. xo

- Eat healthier

- No bread ever for the rest of my life. It's a trigger food.

- Diet should focus on vegetables. Aim to eat a salad as a meal 4 times per week.

- Meat is allowed once a day, but ONLY if I'm with family.

- No fat, whatsoever.

- Eat every 2-3 hours, don't go longer unless exercising.

- breakfast: muesli+nf yogurt+ raspberries = 150 cals

- Snack: rice cake= 40 cals

- Snack/Lunch: apple or salad or veggies= less than 50 cals

- Snack: nf yogurt= 35 cals

- Every time you get the urge to binge/eat junk, don't move, don't get up. Just think about it. You shouldn't give into those urges. Think about it.

- No one gives a shit about you or what you "like" or what you post so don't even bother with Facebook.

- You don't need to check every single thing on your dashboard on tumblr.

- Limit internet leisure to 60 minutes per day.

-In the 60 minutes: check blogger, tumblr, xanga, e-mail, and/or update blog.

- YOU DO NOT NEED TO CHECK YOUR E-MAIL MORE THAN ONCE PER DAY.

- This hour is scheduled for evenings.

- Exercise every single day.

- Pilates class every Wednesday. Ballet class every Tuesday.

- Work out at the gym every Monday, Thursday, and Friday.

- Min. 30 minutes cardio, min. 15 minutes strength training. Weights, calisthenics, stretching.

- End workout with at least 15 minutes of low-impact cardio.

- Once a week, go for a pleasure run. This is optional and/or for stress relieving.

- Work abs no more than 3 times per week (non-consecutive days).

- On "rest" days, do as many push-ups as you can.

- Try to practice ballet everyday. Even if you come home at midnight, try to get in 15 minutes.

- Stretch every single night. Whatever you do, don't skip a day; otherwise you'll end up back at square one.

- Put in at least 24 hours of studying per week.

- Never procrastinate. Prioritize.

- Read a book every month, depending on length of book.

- Go outside more. Take a walk. It's not too cold to take a 15-minute walk to pick up/drop off the mail.

- Get at least 8 hours of sleep.

- You will regret not going to that concert. So do your homework at go to the show!

- In your spare time read books or academic journals, write down your thoughts, take pictures, and/or stretch.

- In your daily life, aspire to be like a Victoria's Secret angel: personality, smile, fashion, beauty, confidence.

- Don't judge anyone. Always be genuine.

- Always look your best, regardless of where you're going.

- Never care about what anyone thinks. Be yourself.

- Do not be afraid of the world.

- If you want to go to the library, go. Ignore the stares that always follow you when you walk.

- If you want to take a trip into Toronto to clear your head and be inspired, go.

- The answer to all your problems: punk rock. (I didn't want to generalize the wonderful genre of punk-rock, so here's a separate link!)

- You are amazing and strong. Show them what you're made of.

- Oh and have fun! This is a journey to becoming the best you can be!

Good luck in the new year, dolls!

Background

I've been uncomfortable around food since I was 12. In grade school when I sat with friends at lunch, I used to hide my food under the desk. It was because I thought eating symbolized weakness or conformity. But I never had weight/body/calorie issues. I was the leader of my group, but I was a quiet, shy girl. When I started high school, I wanted to change and be popular, fun, social...So I set out to do it. Long story short: I became known as a "pass around," hooking up with boy after boy, doing shit for the attention, being "blond"... Soon, I started getting bullied severely at school and online, verbally and sexually harassed at school and online...The school told my parents I was planning my suicide so I switched schools and made a plan to change and become the strongest, nicest, most adorable down to earth girl in the world. Because of the traumatic experience at the old school, I had built up a wall, and everyday since then my wall has gotten stronger.

Anyway, so I set out to be the strongest, smartest, and toughest. No one would do the things the bullies did to me when I was 14. No one would ever be able to hurt me or bring me down. And that's what happened. That's what made me into this monster. I have no feelings. I don't care about anyone. I'm self-absorbed. My ED was a byproduct of wanting to be the strongest, smartest, toughest. It never started because of body issues. My father is a skeleton, and I have his genes. Although, I get my thick thighs and hips from my mom. My mother's family is from India and they are all fat. My father's family is from Singapore/China and they are all skeletons. I am lucky, so goddam lucky, that I got my dad's skinny genes. AND THAT is how I KNOW that I am capable of making it to my UGW of 93 lb.

I binged today, but so what, I can still make it to the 90s eventually. Christmas is making me so nervous, I'm surrounded by so much food and temptation to eat! Eating makes me so depressed. The other day I binged and purged three times! I woke up the next day with the most swollen throat you'd ever see. It was painful, uncomfortable, and ugly. I'm never purging again. Therefore, I'm going to try my hardest never to binge again. That's all for now. I hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas! I love you all! xo

A Psychological Understanding

I didn't want to have that Nutella. It just sort of happened. I'm trying to figure out why. Here's what I've figured out.

Pure. Fucking. Habit. It's the kitchen. It's become a habit that whenever I go into the kitchen I have Nutella. In psychology, they call this...classical conditioning. Or Pavlovian conditioning.

Pavlov, the psychologist, would ring a bell every time he brought meat to dogs, who would salivate with the meat's presence.

The dogs were conditioned to associate the bell with meat. Soon, the dogs began to salivate with the mere sound of the bell, without the meat: a response that wouldn't have existed without the classical conditioning.

I have conditioned myself to associate the kitchen with eating nutella. I have to extinguish the conditioned response.

On a different note, I don't want to wear leggings to ballet tonight, because my legs look disgustingly lumpy and fat and ugh. I have no idea what to wear. But ballet is my major motivation to become skinny.

Compulsions

Thank-you, Isobel and Adeline for your kind words. I would like everyone to know something. After google-ing site after site, I have, uh, "self-diagnosed" myself with bulimia. How sick. I've realized that as long as I eat, I am not happy. When I eat, I cannot focus on anything. I am going to be completely honest with everyone. Every time I eat (without purging), every time, I have this obsessive compulsion to work out. It's like I need it so bad, like a drug. My heart starts racing and my breathing quickens and I start panicking and I have to drop and do 20 pushups, squats and lunges, after which I feel better. Calmer. I have to, or my heart doesn't calm the fuck down, and I can't think of anything else. If I don't do some sort of exercise, I can't focus. On anything, other than my racing heart.

I am going to change this bulimic thing. It's so stupid. Tomorrow it shall be as if it never existed. Tomorrow, I won't even enter the kitchen. I won't even leave my room, except for the bathroom. Tomorrow, I change everything. For the better. Because, mark my words, come Christmas, everyone will stare.

That song is for all of you, lovelies. I am forever grateful for your support.

Good Things

Oh, it is so nice to be HOME! After my classes finished at 12 PM, I had a 7 hour break, so I went to the library to finish my calculus assignment which I thought would take 5 hours, so I'd have 2 hours to study economics. After 5 hours of calculus SITTING IN A CUBICLE, I wasn't finished, and I was hungry, the pangs were intense since I'd forgotten to eat, and I was tired. And my brain was slipping away. So I packed my crap, and went downstairs to relax at Starbucks. I got a Light Mocha Frap and I ate an apple. Chatted with a couple of old friends. Relaxed. I can't believe I actually let myself go so long without food. I swear, it was intense hunger, but I forced myself to sit there and do calculus. I COULD NOT get up until it was done. I finished the assignment at 7 45 PM. It took me 7 hours to do that assignment. Now I have to pull a late night doing economics. Well, all in all, it was a good day. Because I starved.

Not sure what's gonna happen tomorrow. Probably no gym time. Gotta do economics, calculus (I'm a tad behind), and read 2 huge chapters for my psychology test on Monday. Oh boy. But the good thing is, I'm getting back into routine! I'm nearly caught up on all my school work! That means I can get FULLY back into routine on Monday. That means gym time! Yayyyy! So uh, if anyone's noticed, October ends in two days, and I'm not as thin as I said I would be. Oh well, life happens, you know? I'm just happy to have such a fun goal: becoming 93 lb. I mean, how many people have these ED mind-sets? Not very many! We are far and few between, we are unique, we think in ways like no other. We are devilish, we are the best of liars, we always have the right excuses. I'm proud to be me, even if no one else knows what I'm capable of. I do this for ME.

Tis Better To Be Feared Than Loved

Everyone was blogging about bingeing so I binged. It was completely accidental. I swear. I purged some, but not all. So I'm probably still around 103 lb. Not weighing until Tuesday. Plus, I got my period yesterday. Sucks. I'm totally bloated. It kinda makes me laugh, because I LOOK like I've gained 3 lb, but I know I haven't, that's impossible...right? I don't know. I still laugh, because I know that I am capable of being 100 lb by Tuesday or Wednesday regardless. I've been hanging out with my inner bitch a lot lately. I spent a long time on Facebook chat talking to a guy I met once, in September, giving him all sorts of attitude, hinting how cold I can be. He wasn't turned off in the slightest, but I don't care anyway; he's fat and ugly. Some days it bothers me how self-centered and bitchy I can be. But most days, I don't care. I am an extremely powerful girl. I scare people [away]. That's powerful. In high school, kids were intimidated by my silence. THAT's power. Fucking Queen Alisha at her finest. Okay, maybe not. Come back down to earth, missy.

My life revolves around exercise, calories, weight, avoiding food...That's why I am the way I am. I obsess over control. Knowledge, control, and ultimate power. As a kid, I used to have these fantasies where I'd be...taking over the world. Scary. Sometimes I think, no boy would ever fall in love with me, want to be with me. What's sad, is that I'm a hopeless romantic. I have dreams of finding "the one," a love story. Someone who'd love me for being the person I am. Yes, I have attitude, but it's usually intended to be funny and sarcastic. For now, I can just focus on weight loss. No one worth my friendship or heart has arrived yet. I'm also an artist. I never talk about that stuff on here. I have an intense sense of aesthetic. I am a writer. I take pictures of the city. For those of you with a xanga and interested in my writing : http://xox-blackroses-xox.xanga.com/ Not much else to say, other than I'm gonna lose 3 lb by Tuesday. Weeeee!

C'est Moi

Me. Excuse my disgusting hips.

Clavicles.

Close-up of the arm.

Proof that I'm a tank.

Haha. Not really. Anyway, I thought progress pictures would motivate me. I'm probably gonna take these down soon. Too embarrassing. Oh, and I swear, in that last picture, my pits aren't hairy, it's just a shadow!

You Move Me Like I've Never Been Moved

I'm tired of going back and forth. I want to find my own space. My own space in life. I cannot keep yo-yo-ing between hundreds of different lives. I want something of my own. I need to find out exactly who I am. I need to discover that person and show the world who I really am. Going at the rate I am, I'll never have real friends, never find love...never have a happy ending...or a happy anything! I need to find and establish a sense of belonging to myself. Right now, I have no idea who the people raging inside my soul are. I am a hundred different people, depending on my mood or the people I'm around. I don't want to deal with that kind of strain on my soul anymore.
So, I need to sit down and think and write everything down. I need to figure out who I am once and for all. I do not want to eat. I don't want to binge. Ever. I hate eating junk. It turns me into a person I do not want to be. I don't want to be sad. Eating junk makes me sad. What possesses me to binge and make myself sad? I don't want that anymore. It's time for a permanent change.
Today is my witness. Everyone reading this is my witness. I will make this better. I will figure this out and shed this excess skin, this excess fat. I will be the person I've always wanted to be. I'll be beautiful. Thin. Self-controlled. That concert on Sunday night really has brought things into perspective for me. I wish I could have real friends. Ones like me. Who feel the same way about music. I don't remember the last time a boy liked me. It was almost 4 years ago, maybe. I don't even know boys, anymore. I want to be beautiful, in every possible way. I want to be around beautiful people. I want to see beauty in life. I want to feel magical. I hope things get better for me when I start university in September. I really hope so.

Lay low, dream high.

Here's To A Good Weekend

Tonight I'm going to the Something Corporate reunion tour concert tonight in Toronto. Five years ago, I thought I'd never get to see them play live. I am so excited. Their music is beautiful. No dinner for me tonight, yes! And concerts are always a workout for me, dancing and jumping around. Slowly, but surely, I'm getting back on track. Slowly. I'm working on a plan that I'll write up on here, soon.
I hope all you lovelies are doing okay. I love reading all your blogs and hearing from all of you, it's so encouraging. Stay strong. Accomplish your goals. Always strive for the best! Nothing less than the best! And never, EVER let anyone bring you down. My mother always taught me when I was growing up to "always look out for number one: yourself." She regrets it now because I've become selfish and self-absorbed and I don't give a shit how my actions will affect others, I only care about myself. Anyway, that's not always the best way to be, but it's one way. And sometimes, I care way too much about others. I'm always one extreme or the other...

I Heart Confidence (And You)

Yesterday's dinner was completely enjoyable. I had creamy baked goat cheese on top of the best salad in the whole world. It was so good I wanted seconds. Of a salad! Then I had salmon on top of another salad. The salad was good and the salmon was boring. I'm kinda tired of always ordering the salmon salad where ever I go. So from now on, if I'm gonna have a cheat meal, it doesn't have to be the healthiest. Oh, and for dessert I had strawberries with a tiny scoop of vanilla bean ice cream and the buttery-est shortbread cookie in the world. I didn't feel bad at all about the meal. I was 102.5 lb, and one meal is not gonna make me any heavier next weigh-in. I got back into routine today. Except: I made chocolate chip cookie dough for my little sister and, of course, I started eating away at the cookie dough. I don't care what anyone or ana says, cookie dough is amazing. I probably had the equivalent of one cookie. Whatever. I kicked my butt today with circuit training and I'm going skating later tonight. I am getting very good at fooling my family. I am losing weight. I am gaining confidence. I am so thankful that I have an online community, here, where we all have similar goals and all you girls offer me your support.
I have to hand it to my parents. They are actually backing off my life. I am noticing it. I can eat whenever and whatever the hell I want. They think I've lost my ability to self-induce vomiting so they don't mind if I go to the washroom after eating. I can go out whenever I want. I can make spontaneous plans. I can skip dinner. I am on the road to 'normalcy.' No one will ever know my secrets. It's so fun to talk to people and laugh about certain things, and at the same time think "If only they knew who I really am and what I'm capable of." To my family, I am a mystery. They don't know any personal things about me. In a small strange way, I like being a mystery. Besides, don't guys like that quality in a girl? Okay, forget boys, they don't like me anyway. I'm self-spoken, too sarcastic, and I'm not afraid to say unusual things. Sometimes, my sarcasm gets mistaken for bitchiness. And I'm a feminist. And I'm the kind of girl who would use a boy for sex and mind games. So I completely understand if boys don't like me. But sometimes, I like to think that I'm the kind of girl boys like. Sometimes. And that's okay.
OKAY! Who's gonna lose at least 2 more pounds by next week? ME! Who's gonna make heads turn? ME! Who's gonna walk into university with overflowing confidence? ME! ME! ME! And to my lovely online community: Good luck with your goals! You are capable and everything is possible! Stay strong and beautiful!