Calculus War

I need to be studious. I had over a month to do all this calculus. I haven't done ONE QUESTION. I need to be studious. If I do not catch up on a semester's worth of calculus by January 2, I will have to drop out of school and work for a year. I don't want my life to come to that. I have to WORK HARD at this calculus shit. It HAS to be done. I promise myself that I'll do it. I'll make it. I'll catch up by January 2. It's going to be rough, but I'll make it. I promise. I am going to be the student I always dreamed I would be, the student I tried to be in September 2010. I swear to fucking God, this will be my year. I swear this time I mean it. January 2 is also the day I start hitting the gym everyday. See, the plan is that I catch up on ALL my school work by January 2, so that I CAN go to the gym. I weighed myself today. 114.2 lb. Weird, because I swear I got fatter... Anyway. Eating will be perfect. I'm creating a meal plan and a list of safe foods and forbidden foods and once-in-a-while foods. Exercise will be daily. I want to lose 5 lb in January. WHICH I WILL.

So how are you ringing in the new year?

114 lb

The scale has gone down!  I weighed-in at 114 lb today.  That's pretty good, seeing as I got my period yesterday and I only worked out twice this whole week (I was too depressed about the M drama to work out).  My eating is really good.  But maybe that's because my appetite has vanished.  I never feel like eating...I always force myself to eat every 3 hours because I know I have to.  The M drama has been resolved.  On Thursday night, I sent her a long-ass essay apologizing and explaining my situation.  She replied on Facebook chat last night saying that she accepts my apology.  Then she apologized for her part, which pleased me.  Soon we were chatting like we did before we got together.  She asked me if I was seeing this girl because she noticed our fb posts.  (So she's creeping my fb, eh...) I didn't say anything, but my sneakiness caused M to believe that we're seeing each other and that I've kissed her.  M has a girlfriend now, so I'm glad she thinks I've kissed this girl.

Eventually we got on webcam on Skype, and we started laughing and created a kissing map, starting with us, showing how we've indirectly kissed almost everyone in the LGBT group on campus. We had a lot of fun doing it. Pretty soon, it felt like we were talking the way we did when we were together.  I was like, what's she playing at!?  We're FRIENDS...I was finding it all very funny and I just went with it. She admitted that she considered me a girlfriend, which shocked me.  By 1AM, she was sending me depressing-as-hell videos on youtube, and was like, "watch this with me."  So we'd watch these videos together and she'd be on the verge of tears, her eyes all watery and red.  She wanted to get emotional with me, cry with me.  I didn't know what to think.  We talked until 2:45 AM.  It would've gone on had I not stopped it.  What's making me feel weird, is that she has a girlfriend.  If I were her girlfriend, I would NOT want her talking the way she did with me last night to another girl.

Whatever.  I have a date on Tuesday with this new girl.  I'm happy that there's no more drama.  I actually slept last night, for the first time in a week.  I am losing weight at a healthy pace.  Next week will be awesome.  I'll be working out everyday.  I've dropped chemistry, so that stress is gone.  Life is beautiful once more.

Time To Get Back On Track

Weighed in this morning at 116.2 lb.  Lighter than I thought I'd be.  I want to lose 5 lb.  The problem is that I never allow myself to go to the gym because I haven't done my homework.  This weekend, I plan to catch up on all my homework (or at least MOST of it).  That way, I can go to the gym (without feeling guilty) five days per week, like I did last year.  As well, my sleeping pattern needs to be fixed.  I've been going to bed at 2 AM this whole week, which is making me very tired and moody and lazy.  When I'm tired, I eat a lot of junk and am really unhealthy, and I won't exercise.  So, another goal for this week is to go to bed by 11:30 every night.  In the past, I've found that when I get enough sleep, I don't crave as much food.  

Last night, I texted M and asked if she wanted to hang out on Monday and she took FOREVER to reply, then asked me if I meant this Monday, and then, a lifetime later (this evening), replied, "maybe, what did you have in mind."  In my head, I was like, wow such enthusiasm... Maybe she thinks I'm boring or annoying or something.  I dunno.  I dunno if I did something wrong or... In any case, I'm not gonna reply to that.  This is making me sad, but I won't let it get to me. 

Never Take "Days Off"

My godmother's Christmas dinner went well. The Chinese dinner yesterday went well. Both dinners involved mere vegetables for me. I wasn't too happy with the dressing/sauces, but it can't have been so bad. (And THANK-YOU everyone for the tips!) I'm thrilled with my progress. My arms are thinner. My tummy is flat. It doesn't sound like much, but it's progress. My hips will shrink. I have faith in them. They are slow like turtles. But I have faith that they will shrink. I'm doing a lot of cardio. I took a break off working out today since my legs were so sore, and just did some ballet which was a bad idea because for the first time in 5 days, I binged and purged. Stupid. It was completely mindless. But I'm happy it was a mindless binge because it hasn't messed with my train of will power. I'm still as strong as ever. Tomorrow will be as good as the last 5 days, and I'll be hitting the gym in evening.

So I suppose working out everyday for at least 45 minutes is the best idea. I'll just skip the cardio component if my legs are too sore. Circuit training is a fun option! As of today I'm 104 lb. I've lost 4 lb since I decided to lose 5 lb for Christmas. I guessss that it's not too much to ask myself to aim to lose another 4 lb for Saturday, which is Christmas! Wow, I bet if I work hard enough, I could be double digits for xmas! Okay, but I'm not going to get carried away. Subgoals is the key to getting things accomplished without stress. So let's just focus on losing 4 lb in 5 days. Totally do-able. Did I hear someone say "Skinny bitch?" Oooh, sound appealing...!

^'Sup, Karlie? I'm gonna be in your league soon...

Take Your Taste Back

All right, all right. So, tonight...I actually ate a dinner. I haven't had a LEGITIMATE meal in a week. Mostly I just have tiny snacks all day. But tonight, I was watching Weeds and this pizza commercial came on JUST as I got up to get a fat-free yogurt. It drove me so crazy, I literally rewinded the TV to watch it again. Into the kitchen, I went. It would have been a binge, but it wasn't. I ate my mother's amazing Indian food: chickpea masala, with...white bread. Damn. I was controlled though, the whole time. I knew perfectly well what I was doing, and the whole time the voice in my head begged me to stop, but I didn't. In total, that was about 300 calories and 10 grams of fat. Shit...For a person who usually eats 300 calories in a whole day, that IS a binge! But I'm not thinking much about it.

I'm gonna be a superstar all weekend. You know how I know? Because I weighed-in tonight at 101.8 lb. That's right. 101.8. *bows* I stepped on that scale 3 times to make sure. That dinner will be nothing. (Touch wood) Tomorrow, I'll follow my usual plan, and at the party "I ate before I came," and since it's at Scooters, I'll be burning TONS of cals skating. Whoa! It's like everything's just handed to me! Thanks so much for the advice, petals. I love the vegan excuse, I'm totally using it. I even brought up veganism with those friends once. I didn't work out today. I thought about it, but my biceps are sore, my shoulders are sore. Don't even get me started on my legs. Tomorrow, I'll be skating for God knows how long, that'll be good exercise. Let's do something fun, let's bet on how much I'll weigh by Sunday! Haha, I have wayyy to much fun with this ED, or whatever it is I have.

OH, and that friend! I sat next to her in Bio today. We started talking about Wintergirls, she said she'd lend it to me, so I told her about Wasted and that I'd lend it to her. Then she brought up Ellen Degeneres' wife's book on her anorexia. (It JUST came out, it's called Unbearable Lightness.) Then she took out this cereal called Cheerios, saying, "There's only 100 calories and 1 gram of fat, per CUP." We each had 10 Cheerios. Then she said, "Ohmagawd, like, two years ago, my doctor, like, I got down to 95 lb so my doctor made my mom, like, sit with me for every meal, it was awful." JUST LIKE ME. So I exclaimed, "Oh my God, like, ME TOO, I got down to 90 lb two years ago, and my mom would sit with me during and 20 minutes after I finished!" She said, "Aw, to make sure you wouldn't purge?" I nodded, and she said, "Damn, 90? What are you at now?" I told her 102, then we talked about going to the gym together. I am pretty flabbergasted at all this, but I'm still keeping my guard up. It's too weird to be real.

The Limit Does Not Exist

Another good day. Weighed in at 102 lb. Sweet. 100 by Sunday? Not sure. I JUST remembered that I said I'd go to a friend's 18th birthday party on Saturday. Actually, I remembered, but I forgot that it would involve food. Oh shit, oh shit. It's at Scooters...the roller blading place. Oh my God. There's gonna be cake. And even worse: there might be pizza. I'm not sure what they'll be serving, but something along those lines probably. Shit on my face. I can say no to birthday cake because "I don't like icing, it's too sweet." I can get out of eating pizza by...I don't know. If I can't get out of it...I'll pull off the cheese and nibble and nibble and leave a huge chunk of crust. I'm NOT getting side-tracked.

I kinda felt sad today when I looked in the mirror because I have no bum and no breasts, while my thighs are the size of China. I get scared looking at my bare chest because of those chest bones and my tangerines for boobs. It's scary because there's virtually ZERO fat on my upper body. It's all in the thighs. I kid you not. Then again I usually like having tiny boobs. It's different. I'm not like most girls! I never want to be average. At the gym today, I did 30 minutes of intervals on the elliptical. It was hard, I'm not used to the elliptical. Then I went to the weight room and did 10 minutes of shoulders, then 10 minutes of back and assisted chin-ups. Basically, every guy in the gym stared at me. Me, the only girl that ever dares to enter the weight room, this tiny little girl with bones sticking out of her chest and muscles popping out of her shoulders. WTF. I'd stare, too. Finished the workout with stretching and 5 laps around the track.

Just to answer a few questions:

That friend of mine who I think is "one of us," I'm not sure if I'll be talking to her about all this stuff, yet. I am not an open person and I don't trust people easily. For all I know, my mother could have set her up. So I'm going to wait until I have more information.

How do I manage to do all that crazy exercising with my minimal eating? I guess, over the years, I've built up a "tolerance" to it. Like maybe, my body's gotten used to hardcore calorie burning on so few cals. Maybe. Usually towards the end of the first hour of exercise I start to lose balance and my eyes blank out a bit and I gasp for air, but nothing serious. Not to the point where I fall over and/or pass out. I always push myself. 90 MINUTES, GO, GO. My mind is stronger than my body. What's the phrase? 'Mind over matter'? Or am I thinking of 'Where there's a will, there's a way'? Haha, whatever.

PS. I am so in love with all of you. Thanks for supporting me, girls!

To Be Completely Honest

I do not enjoy the feeling of emptiness. I do not like the feeling of starving. Of the emptiness I feel after purging every calorie in my stomach. I don't like it. Not one bit. That emptiness is what leads me to a binge. What I DO like, is eating 35 fat-free calories 4 times a day. I like the feeling my metabolism running. I like feeling accomplished and awake. Today, I satisfied every craving I had to binge. Yes, I purged, but I learned an important lesson. I learned that the emptiness is not worth it. The calories are not worth it. It's best to not eat, period. I eat 150 fat free calories at breakfast. After that, eating 35 fat-free calories 4 times during the day leaves me happy, light, and satisfied. I am so happy to have figured this out today.

So, whooooo's the skinny bitch? Me. Except my thighs. They are stubborn. EVERYTHING else is shrinking. But my thighs are fat rebels. They'll learn. I have faith in them... Spent an unexpected hour at the gym today. I finished failing my economics test at 9 AM, felt like shit, got over it, and went to the gym intending to do cardio for 30 minutes and get out. At the gym, I saw my economics buddy there! So we did the stationary bike together for 20 minutes (time FLIES when you're taking to someone). Then we did weights (women only hour in half the gym!) for 15 minutes. Oh, and me being a tank, I tried the bench press. I did 5 reps, 45 lb, I think. When she left, I spent 30 minutes running intervals around the indoor track. SO SORE now.

Weighed-in this morning at 103 lb. Yay! Omg, this is so exciting, I'm trembling, 3 more lb and I'll be 100 lb! Okay, okay. Last weekend was the biggest disaster of my life. Won't happen again. Mom's away all weekend, so no one's gonna come home with cinnamon raisin bread or chocolate or milk pastries for me! No one's gonna cook or ask me what I'll have for dinner. So...who's down for losing 3 lb by Tuesday? It's a contest, last one there's a Miley!!! (For Hannah Montana fans.) I'm kidding, it's not a contest; I'm just having fun. Take care, lovelies!

^Everyone love Karlie Kloss, right?!

It's a Crazy Life

Despite the fact that I binged on Friday night, I woke up the next morning to be 103.8 lb. Still in the 103s, haven't gained. I guess it's because it was okra that I binged on. My mom cooked a lot of okra Indian style and oohhh my God, it is so tasty! But at least I haven't gained. Yesterday, I went to see a screening at the Toronto International Film Festival for a friend's 18th birthday. I didn't eat much. BUT: I was so fucking starving at 6:15 during the movie, I had a major headache and thought I was going to die. So I bought some chocolate covered almonds. I probably had 400 calories worth. I believe that's all fat, too. But I HAD to. I was going crazy. I'm not gonna think too much about it. That's the only bad thing I've had in a while. This morning I made my sister crepes and accidentally shoved 2, with nutella, in my mouth. 100 calories of refined carbs. Ugh. I'm gonna do some crazy circuit training after this entry.

There are never really any binge foods in my house anymore. Every time I go to the kitchen, looking for something, I find nothing. I've convinced my mother that buying junk is unnecessary because I don't eat it. So if I DO end up eating unnecessarily, it's healthy stuff like whole grains and fruit. Oh, and if you're looking to satisfy major sugar cravings, buy dates. You'll see. 1 or 2 will do the trick. I'm becoming a strong human being. In control. All I need to do now is focus more on school and I'll be set for life. Here's to getting thinner and gaining control.

Fuck the Freshman 15

I weighed-in this morning at 103 lb. Damn straight, I lost 2 lb since Wednesday! So I'm doing pretty good. I swear to God, I barely ever have time to eat. All I want to do is work out and stay in my room studying all day. I'm at that point, again, where I have to force myself to eat something small. I feel better about my body now, I can see my hip bones and arm muscles again. I should be studying now, but I had to update because my stomach is acting up. Gurgling and churning and stuff. It's annoying. I have no idea where or how to start my studying anyway.

Yesterday, I barely ate, so when I got home at 7, I was feeling so empty. It was a good feeling kinda. I just felt so empty all night and felt so very proud of myself. I'm trying to stick to a fat-free diet. It's just the extra-virgin olive oil that is holding me back from fat-free. But I'm working on it, trust me. I think I might be stuck with my fucking family for dinner. I'll purge if I eat more than a salad. I'm losing wwweeiight, I'm gonna get skinnnnierrr, tralalala...

OH! This morning my mom was telling me about one of our family friends. She has a 16-year old daughter and a 13-year old son. The son just got out of the hospital. He was in there for 2 months for...anorexia. I was stunned. People wondered why he was so skinny. Apparently he did sports like crazy and would work out like there's no tomorrow. 13 years old! Male! His father is a doctor, too...But I guess since the family's Indian, no one suspected that. The worst thing is getting caught. It ruins everything. It ruins a family. It ruins your plans. If you've been caught, as I have been too, you know what I mean. So here is the golden rule, just like in Dexter: "Don't get caught and never let anyone see the monster in side you."

"Keeping the truth from the people closest to you is how you'll survive, and how you'll protect them if anything ever goes wrong." - Harry Morgan (Dexter season 1)

Watch Me Vanish

Second day of uni and I'm already stressed out. I'm also sore. From major working out at the UTM gym. I got out of calculus and ran to change and made it to a pilates class. 50 minutes. Then went to a kickboxing class. 50 fucking minutes of intense turbo working out. I'm not sure if I like kickboxing too much, but a workout's a workout...Then I went to the actual gym. I've never used a public gym before. I was pretty clumsy, trying out the treadmills and ellipticals...They have separate treadmills for running and only walking! Ugh. I go on an elliptal and my iPod dies instantly, and I don't feel like going back to the changerooms to put it away, and bags aren't allowed in the gym so I'm feeling like an idiot, wearing headphones to an iPod that isn't even working...Tomorrow, I'll go back and do cardio, maybe try the machines. Every Wednesday I'll do the pilates and maybe kickboxing.

I'm getting back into routine. I ate close to nothing. When I came home, my parents called me to dinner and watched me and my sister eat. I had a big salad and 1/4 cup of whole wheat spaghetti with sauce. Of course, with my goal in mind, I purged the spaghetti. This morning I weighed in at 105.8 lb. I went to Walmart today and bought a fantastic red digital scale for $12! It's glass, fairly compact and pretty lightweight. When I bought it, I opened it, stuffed the scale in my school backpack, and threw out the box in the trash outside Walmart. I'm stashing it in deep within my closet. I'm excited to watch the numbers drop.

Harsh Realization

I don't know. I'm going to fix this. I promise. I wanted to slap my mother for saying good morning happily yesterday. The reason? I had just weighed in at...106 lb. I have to keep calm about this. I mean, what did I expect after a week's worth of binging? Anyway, I'm going to look back at all my journal entries from the week I lost 4.6 lb. I'm going to make a plan based on that and follow it. It was sooo easy and FUN, I remember that. I'm gonna spend as little time as possible in the kitchen. I'll look for excuses to get out of the house.
Anyway, I'm going to a university workshop for first-years today. I am really nervous about starting uni in September. I really want to be less than 100 lb by then! I bought these little lace bras the other day. Only girls with tiny breasts can wear them. I can wear them, and I bought them because I know my breasts are only going to get smaller. I spent the whole day shopping in Toronto yesterday. I feel like I'm done shopping for a while. I just need to focus on losing weight, now.

Je Suis Un Cochon

Yes. That's right. I am a pig. Oh my God. Really. It disgusts me. I disgust me. Oh GROSS. WHOTHEHELLSPENDS4DAYSBINGING? I've had enough of this. Enough of this bullshit. Junk food in my house is decreasing, but there will always be bread. There's no avoiding it. Basically, I've been slathering olive butter on 12-grain bread for 4 days. Excess carbohydrates leads to fat production. And I just ate 5 cookies. More bad carbs and fat. Oh GROSS. This has happened before. I need to put an end to this constant binging before I go insane, the way I did March-June. Constant binging, not exercising, and neglecting my health caused me to go into a wretched state of depression and self-hatred. Plus none of my clothes fit. I promised myself I would never let that happen again. I do not have a separate life from ana. My ability to control my body connects to my ability to do everything else. Tomorrow, I start over. I miss seeing my rib cage. I miss my flat stomach.
I overheard my mother telling someone that I'm going into Life Sciences. It's a lie. I'm going into Psychology. She obviously is embarrassed to tell people that. It is the presitgious thing in our culture to go into the life sciences and become a doctor. My mother is very concerned with how people see us. Goddam, it makes me so mad that she is telling people I'm going into Life Sciences. I'M ashamed of HER. She gets on my nerves. And the other day I was wearing track pants that CLEARLY made my thighs look huge, she was like, "You've gotten soo thin and bony, it's not nice." I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up, if anything, I've GAINED in the past few days. I never reply when my parents make comments like this. I know perfectly well that I don't look any different, they are just trying to get me to eat OR get me to think it.
Okay, well...tomorrow: No fat. One or two servings of carbs. One serving of dairy. Rest fruits and veggies. Exercise for AT LEAST an hour.

I Heart Confidence (And You)

Yesterday's dinner was completely enjoyable. I had creamy baked goat cheese on top of the best salad in the whole world. It was so good I wanted seconds. Of a salad! Then I had salmon on top of another salad. The salad was good and the salmon was boring. I'm kinda tired of always ordering the salmon salad where ever I go. So from now on, if I'm gonna have a cheat meal, it doesn't have to be the healthiest. Oh, and for dessert I had strawberries with a tiny scoop of vanilla bean ice cream and the buttery-est shortbread cookie in the world. I didn't feel bad at all about the meal. I was 102.5 lb, and one meal is not gonna make me any heavier next weigh-in. I got back into routine today. Except: I made chocolate chip cookie dough for my little sister and, of course, I started eating away at the cookie dough. I don't care what anyone or ana says, cookie dough is amazing. I probably had the equivalent of one cookie. Whatever. I kicked my butt today with circuit training and I'm going skating later tonight. I am getting very good at fooling my family. I am losing weight. I am gaining confidence. I am so thankful that I have an online community, here, where we all have similar goals and all you girls offer me your support.
I have to hand it to my parents. They are actually backing off my life. I am noticing it. I can eat whenever and whatever the hell I want. They think I've lost my ability to self-induce vomiting so they don't mind if I go to the washroom after eating. I can go out whenever I want. I can make spontaneous plans. I can skip dinner. I am on the road to 'normalcy.' No one will ever know my secrets. It's so fun to talk to people and laugh about certain things, and at the same time think "If only they knew who I really am and what I'm capable of." To my family, I am a mystery. They don't know any personal things about me. In a small strange way, I like being a mystery. Besides, don't guys like that quality in a girl? Okay, forget boys, they don't like me anyway. I'm self-spoken, too sarcastic, and I'm not afraid to say unusual things. Sometimes, my sarcasm gets mistaken for bitchiness. And I'm a feminist. And I'm the kind of girl who would use a boy for sex and mind games. So I completely understand if boys don't like me. But sometimes, I like to think that I'm the kind of girl boys like. Sometimes. And that's okay.
OKAY! Who's gonna lose at least 2 more pounds by next week? ME! Who's gonna make heads turn? ME! Who's gonna walk into university with overflowing confidence? ME! ME! ME! And to my lovely online community: Good luck with your goals! You are capable and everything is possible! Stay strong and beautiful!

102.5

Melissa, you were right! The 'binge' probably sped up my metabolism because I woke up this morning and weighed-in at 102.5 lb! Yay, no more 103s! I'm thrilled. But still, I cannot stand the sight of my hips. It's horrifying to look in the mirror and see how wide they are. I pinch my hips and I still need to lose at least another 2 inches off them. I hate looking at my hips before I shower, I really do. Moving on. I am happy with my life and the way it's turning out. I can't stress that enough! It's a nice change. I'm so much happier now than I was March to mid-June, when I was gaining weight like crazy and neglecting health. I feel good about myself noq. All 102.5 lb! My clothes are loose and my muscles are fairly prominent. I bought a skipping rope yesterday, and I'm gonna take Rachel's suggestion and try skipping, since 15 minutes burns 128 calories.
I've agreed with my mom to go to the doctor's for a physical, which we do annually before school. The only reason I said okay is because I don't want my family getting suspicious and I KNOW that once university starts I'll be losing a shitload of weight. Life will be good. I'll be so thin that I'll be able to glide, float through rooms. I'll read lots of books, make good friends, study everyday, do my homework, and workout every single day on account of the amazing gym at University of Toronto. I'll be beautiful, graceful, intelligent, and friendly. My family won't bother me. "Alisha, we're going to soandso's for a Christmas party." "I can't I have a HUGE test tomorrow." "Alisha, get ready we're going out for dinner." "I CAN'T I have to finish this paper for Monday." Muahahahah. My parents want to go out for dinner today, which I'm fine with because I've been craving a fine dinner. I don't have to eat everything, anyway.

No more almond butter for ME.

FML, I just ODed on almond butter and chocolate. That's 95 calories with 8 grams of fat for the almond butter. And 70 calories with 5 grams of fat for the chocolate. Shit. I know it doesn't sound so bad, but it IS bad for someone like me who eats less than 200 calories throughout the day! My body will store all the fat and carbs it can! Well, I'm going for ballet tonight, and right after I'll go for an interval run. Gotta burn that shit off, gotta burn it off. I CANNOT GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT, I'M SICK OF THIS PLATEAU. I'm gonna keep the empty almond butter jar in the pantry because my mom won't buy it if she thinks we still have a whole jar. No more slip-ups. No more greedy mouth. I am strong.
I can have half an apple and then no more food for today. I mean it, Alisha! Go to bed hungry, you deserve it. Remember: tomorrow's a new day. Don't you want to be in the 102 lb range for Friday? Yes, I do! Don't you want a BMI of less than effing 17.65? Yes! Okay, now that we've establised that, we can move on to a new life of no more fat. Excellent. I love you, ana. I know you do.

Weaknesses

I have been thinking about my weaknesses. Food weaknesses.
In particular, chocolate. As I put piece after piece of chocolate in my mouth, I think about how wonderful chocolate is and how everything is wonderful and how chocolate makes everything better. Soon, however, the feeling of fat appears in my stomach. Oh my GOD, I can feel myself getting fatter. I should stop. But it tastes sooo good. I should really stop. Okay, this is the last one. Holy shit that was good, maybe one more. Dammit. Must. Stop. Eating. Chocolate. I do stop before I go overboard.
Back to my topic of weaknesses. I am thinking that the only way to prevent me from indulging, unnecessarily, into things that are not healthy for me or are fattening is to not have them lying around. I'm just going to tell my mother to stop buying chocolate chips. If I want to make cookies, THEN I'll buy them. But don't keep buying them! I mean, she'll probably buy Toblerone bars instead, because she wants me to eat shit and gain weight, but I'll throw them away. My mom is so fucking annoying when it comes to my eating.
Weighed-in at 103.4 lb yesterday. What else is new. I hate this plateau. But I suppose it's better than gaining. I'm gonna cut down on my meat-intake. I'm also gonna up my veggie intake. I'm gonna do everything exactly the way I did the week that I lost 4.6 lb. My clothes are fitting nicely! My shorts and pants are loose! And my thighs are looking slimmer. There's still LOADS of work to do my thighs and hips, but progress is being made. Goal for this week: 100-101 lb by Friday 23?

What A Fat ASS!

Ew gross gross gross.
Binging. Yesterday and today. I don't even want to TALK about last night's binge+purge. Let's just say, it involved me driving around, running in and out of shops. At least I purged.
Today: Binge. Purge. Got tired. Binge again. Didn't purge on account of tiredness.
World Cup party at our house. Tons of food around. Still binging. Haven't stopped. Not planning on barfing again. I'm just too tired. Don't even WANT to eat anymore. I feel turned off. Full. Fat. Gross.
WILL MAKE UP FOR THIS TOMORROW.
NO MORE of this getting up at 11 30. MY whole day ends up being wasted. I need more time to work out.
Anyway. I WAS going to talk about how I've been stuck at 103.6 lb for the LONGEST time. I might have plateaued. How annoying. But after today, I've probably gained a tad bit. Whatever. I can jump-start weight-loss tomorrow. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Thinking Thin and Satisfying a Craving

I am absolutely in love with losing weight. I love feeling thinner. I love noticing the change in my body. I love my new energy. I love exercising and feeling better about myself. Confidence is a lovely thing to have. It feels good to be in the 103 lb range. This is where I was before March, when the binge eating started. But that phase is over, and I am a stronger person. I am smarter, I have goals, and I am in control.
Went to dinner last night for a friends 18th birthday. All the girls were ordering pizzas, tacos, quesadillas...I felt like I would look like a "calorie-girl" if I ordered the tandoori salmon salad (even though it's my fav thing there!). So I got pulled-pork sliders. Not too bad, 3 mini burgers. Then I was dumb and ordered dessert. Sticky toffee pudding a la mode. Dammit. Went to the washroom and purged most of everything.
Woke up this morning as thin as the days before. I did strength training today. I did some shoulder moves that are meant for guys. After, I realized that my shoulders are getting too broad with that move, so I'm gonna drop that move from my routine to avoid looking manly. After all, I'm going for a thin, delicate, feminine look.
I've discovered a good way to satisfy my chocolate/sugar craving: low-fat chocolate milk! It's so good. And just after a workout...Anyway, I'm craving junk less and less. It might have something to do with the increase in my hours of sleep.

103.4

The thinner I get, the more "extreme" my thinspo gets. It's hard finding pictures of girls thinner than me as thinspiration. I have such high expectations! That's not necessarily a bad thing, but people say it will backfire on me.

Weigh-in this morning at 103.4 lb. Not bad seeing that I ate more meat than usual yesterday and grad night. It's Canada Day today, so I'm going to tell my parents I'm going out for dinner than watch fireworks. Haha. No dinner for ME tonight. AND this weekend I'm going for my cousin's grad party in Cleveland with my dad and sister. No mother to make sure I eat! Yes, it's going to be a weekend of becoming thinner.
I was thinking about the grad after-party. Normally, in a social situation where everyone is having a good time and I'm known as the quiet one, I would get depressed out of my mind. I'd have left the party. But I wasn't depressed at this party. When a bunch of us were outside smoking and talking, it hit me and I thought, 'why aren't I depressed?' Then I thought, 'No, do not think about your sadness. Concentrate on having fun.' I'm not sure why I was able to forget about my sadness. Maybe it was because of the alcohol I had. I was so loose because of it! In any case, maybe it's a sign that I DO have the power to overcome my sadness or maybe it's a sign that in the future I might turn to alcohol...
Later, loves!

103.6

Weighed-in this morning at...*cue: drumroll* 103 .6 lb!
Cue: applause.
That's 4.6 lb lost in a week.
I am thrilled.
I graduate tomorrow. My summer is beginning.
I'm going to apply for my first job. Part-time. I need to get the fuck out of my parents house.
Maybe I'll face my fear and try on the clothes in my closet that I have not worn in months because of all the weight I had gained. But I'm 103.6. Maybe they won't be so tight.
I'm dying to get at least an inch between my thighs when my feet are almost together. My inner thighs are all fat, it's gross. Must do more cardio. I'm also dying to get my ribs to stick out further than my stomach, right now they are even. Must keep eating less. Last night I had celery and a bit of cheese for dinner. I sent my parents out on a date.
I am absolutely in love with the amount of control I have over my life, especially my eating. I don't CARE who is upset with me. This is not about THEM, it's about ME.
^She's so pretty. I wish I had hair like that.

Oh ya, I'm going to the mall today to buy a bracelet! It will be a reminder, when I go to my grandparents 52nd wedding anniversary dinner tonight, to not slip up.