Calculus War

I need to be studious. I had over a month to do all this calculus. I haven't done ONE QUESTION. I need to be studious. If I do not catch up on a semester's worth of calculus by January 2, I will have to drop out of school and work for a year. I don't want my life to come to that. I have to WORK HARD at this calculus shit. It HAS to be done. I promise myself that I'll do it. I'll make it. I'll catch up by January 2. It's going to be rough, but I'll make it. I promise. I am going to be the student I always dreamed I would be, the student I tried to be in September 2010. I swear to fucking God, this will be my year. I swear this time I mean it. January 2 is also the day I start hitting the gym everyday. See, the plan is that I catch up on ALL my school work by January 2, so that I CAN go to the gym. I weighed myself today. 114.2 lb. Weird, because I swear I got fatter... Anyway. Eating will be perfect. I'm creating a meal plan and a list of safe foods and forbidden foods and once-in-a-while foods. Exercise will be daily. I want to lose 5 lb in January. WHICH I WILL.

So how are you ringing in the new year?

I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday

I can't see myself having time to work out this week and that makes me sad.  It's just that I have two tests: Italian on Wednesday and Calculus on Friday.  I really want to do SUPER well on these tests.  I want to feel good about myself.  Classes end in exactly one week and I want to spend Christmas holidays getting into shape and feeling proud of myself, like I deserve a good time.  So I'll forfeit the exercise this week and just focus on my studies and eating healthy.  Once Friday comes around, I'll be in the gym almost every day!  I can't wait.  It's a sure bet because I'll be all done and caught up with school.  My goal is to be AT MOST 109 lb by Christmas.  That's 5 lb to lose.  Totally possible.

I got closure from M. On Friday, we did a Skype call and decided to go out and get McFlurries and meet back on Skype in 15 minutes. We did and it was so fun and so random! We talked on webcam for FIVE HOURS, until 3 AM. I was sneakily trying to get information out of her for my own benefit.  I got closure from her. I am okay with just being her friend. I am happy that she's got a gf now (even though I know M two-timed this poor girl with me). I no longer feel as though M and I have unfinished business. I am happy with our friendship. On Saturday, we were on Skype again and I helped her pick out an outfit for clubbing. (Fucking hell, she's so cute, I loved watching her try on different sweaters.) On Sunday, we Skyped AGAIN for 5 hours, just talking at first, then she watched Breaking Dawn online and gave me random commentaries on it while I studied Italian.

Weird Week

Ughhh, weird week.  Haven't worked out at all and haven't been paying attention to my eating.  I've been mostly healthy, but not as healthy as I could be.  The problem is that I stay up way to late, hoping to talk/talking to my crushes, and then I don't wake up in time, which messes up my eating schedule.  Sometimes I miss class because I'm so tired, so then I don't go to the gym either because I should be catching up (even though I don't).

My date on Tuesday went really well.  I'll call her C.  She bought me Starbucks and we just sat and talked and laughed for an hour.  I had a really good time.  I felt comfortable and sure of myself, unlike when I was with M.  I hope things go well with this girl.  There's just one problem: I can't get M out of my mind. I know we're both seeing other people, but...she was amazing when we were together. I guess I have to accept that she's a player, that she's not good for me.  I'll get over her.  I'll do my best.  I hope I can make it to the gym tomorrow.  I NEED to show M what she could have had and I need to make her jealous of C.  I also need to make C crazy about me, although she already is, I made her blush so many times on Tuesday.  We shall see!  I just want to lost 8 more lb.

Me Being Lazy

Ugh, I'm starting to annoy myself with the way I have not been working out.  Seriously, I've become a slacker.  Which is odd.  I am so used to priding myself on being super-athletic and "tank" but how can I say that NOW when I haven't been working out AT ALL?  I can't.  That means...I need to get my ass to the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY I'm at school.  That's four days a week, at least.  I still look sexy, though.  I'm not gonna deny it, I am an extremely sexy girl.  That's why I'm excited to work out because I'll become even sexier.  Haha.

So, um.  There's this girl I really like.  Yeah.  In my absence from this blog I figured some things out.  I like girls.  And boys.  I won't bother explaining, but if you're actually interested in how I came to terms with this, just leave me a message in the comments, and I'll do a post on it!  So this girl.  I really like her.  A LOT.  I haven't had a legit crush in a long time.  I met her at a few LGBT events on campus.  Hopefully I can make something happen... OH.  WAIT.  

On a different note:

• I HAVE FRIENDS
• I HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE
• PEOPLE RECOGNIZE ME AROUND CAMPUS
• I GO OUT
• I HAVE A GOOD TIME
• I GET INVITED OUT
• MY CELL PHONE ACTUALLY GETS MESSAGES
• PEOPLE COMMENT ON MY FACEBOOK
• I REPEAT: I HAVE FRIENDS

These concepts are allall so new to me and so beautiful.  It feels good.  For the first time in a long time, I am happy.  

Karlie, You Are So Loved

Oh my god.  Karlie Kloss has done a for Allure magazine.  Anyone who reads my blog knows about my undying love for Karlie.  Guys. You don't understand. This photoshoot is amazing.  Karlie is so perfect and so lovely and so good at what she does. And can we all just talk about Karlie for a while?

This photoshoot is my new inspiration.  I'm going to go out and buy this magazine and take it all in.  I've been slacking with my exercise and school work.  Not good.  I want to look like a model, wahhhh. I have a lot of homework to do this weekend, so I'll focus on that first.  I have tonight and Saturday to finish all my homework.  On Sunday, I'm going to the first LGBT meeting/BBQ at my university.  (I want to meet people, I'm not a lesbian.)  Once Monday comes, I am going back into full workout mode.  I will exercise EVERY DAY, with one rest day per week.  I am so serious this time.  

Almost There

You guys are just so amazing. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. My face lit up when I saw all your comments last post. I have no words. xo Economics was bad, but not so bad. I wrote psychology today and it went swell. Tomorrow I write French, and I am scared shitless. Okay, gonna speed up this entry and start studying. Monday I write Biology. I'm almost done! I'm thinking of transferring universities. I hate UTM, it was my last choice, I hate living at home, and my therapist has made me realize that I will never be able to "get over" my ED issues if I continue to live at home and "let" my parents control me. So I'm looking into applying to YorkU and, since my parents will probably refuse to pay for residency, I'll have to look into getting a student loan, which may suck, but it's better than hating life.

^That's basically how I dress for school, like, everyday. That picture of Karlie makes me so happy. I just can't wait until I lose all my hip fat so I can wear cropped tops and look so cute and so sexy. Lately, I have been eating the bare minimum. The fact is, I don't even feel like eating. It's become a chore. I'm not even kidding, I'm just so bored of eating and I'm too tired to eat and there are so many other wonderful things to do and accomplish so how can I even think about eating?! But, in any case, my weight's not budging because I haven't been at the gym since last week due to finals. Whatever. On Monday, if the weather's nice, I am going to go for the longest run of my life outside. (If the weather is bad, I'll settle for the treadmill.)

I Guess This Is It

I'M GOING TO FAIL I'M GOING TO FAIL. ECONOMICS EXAM IN 36 HOURS AND I HAVE NOT STARTED STUDYING. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TIME. I. AM. GOING. TO. FAIL. IT'S INEVITABLE. JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST. I THINK I MISSED THE DEADLINE TO WITHDRAW. THIS IS GOING TO HAUNT MY ACADEMIC RECORD FOR ALL ETERNITY. FUCK. FUCK. WHAT DO I DO.

Starve to death. What else, stupid. Go insane. Overdose. I don't know. You worthless piece of shit.

Okay, Miss. Calm down. You have 3 other subjects to study for. Don't fail them, too. Please...

I need to breath. I need to focus on my other 3 subjects. The reality is that I am going to fail economics. All these nights spent stressing...it was all for nothing. This is all very painful. But all will be well soon, when my skin is papery thin and pale and I float and fat is nonexistent and...I'm 93 lb.

Skinny For Summer

Oh my God, I wasn't expecting all the love you guys gave me in that last post! My heart melted! I am going to get back to you on all your comments. I love you all very much. I can't explain it. Anyway. Lately, when I stand up, I get dizzy and sway and go blind for a few seconds. It's a LONG few seconds. It annoys me, and it's either because I'm not eating enough or I'm extremely tired. Who cares anyway. I like it. I like feeling thinner. I like not eating. I like how eating now makes me sick. I like being able to wear wife beaters and skinny jeans. I am getting smaller. I'll check my weight on Saturday, as usual. Once a week is good enough, it keeps me sane.

Tomorrow is my last day of classes. Oh thank the heavenly father I am still alive after those disastrous six months. Tomorrow is my last day of classes. After tomorrow, I think I will just stay in my room and study for exams and just not eat. At all. Only breakfast, chicken for lunch, and an apple for dinner. C'est ça. Skinny for summer.

Credibility

I just want to spend the rest of my life being independent, in control, and doing what I love. I mean, I'm such a city girl. A hipster, if you will. I can't wait until my passion becomes a reality. I'm barely eating these days and I'm getting smaller and my muscles are constantly on fire. I feel as though I have tarnished my "credibility" as a "self-sufficient" girl by telling my parents my problems and asking for a therapist. But, I'm sure therapy will help me in the long run. I am becoming a better person. I am starting to let myself go out more. I am observing people. The other day, a girl I knew from high school invited me to go to the library with her, where I noticed how so many different people would come up to her/us and say hi and make conversation! It was amazing! My interest in social psychology was bursting and I was in awe of the fact that...friendships exist! I was amazed that people have personalities and they talk and they help each other out and they comment on each other's "pretty eyes" and six degrees of separation is a true fact!

Anyway, I was thinking that I could stay like this forever. Eating less than 500 calories a day, with maybe one cheat day, and running all the time and being busy instead of eating...I mean, there are mountains of things to do other than eat! According to my calculations, I should be 103 lb by April 1. Right on schedule. I can't believe I've beaten the binge. I've come so far. Less than two more weeks of classes, then I'm DONE (except exams). I can't wait for summer and to be back in the 100 lb zone and wearing cute clothes and being tiny and not having to wear a jacket...and being satisfied.

Change

Things are getting better now that I've dropped calculus. The beauty of the world is starting to find its way back into my eyes. I feel better. About everything. Still fat, however. But that's changing. I want control over my body, again. I want to feel better in public. I want to be thin. That's all. I want to be boney. Skeletal. I want to float. Without calculus, I now have time to hit the gym every single day. This is so wonderful. But my main problem is over-eating when I come home in the evening. That won't happen tomorrow. It won't because I won't let it happen. I'm changing my life. I have no excuse. My goal was to lose 4 lb this week, but I'm changing it to 2 lb to be realistic.

This is happening. This is going to happen. I will reach 93 lb before I turn 19 on May 24, if it's the last thing I do. I am making this commitment, now. I don't need to eat. I was flipping through my journals today and I realized that I am nothing like the way I thought I'd be this year. Well, like I said, I'm changing my life. Eating makes me feel powerless and out of control. That's disgusting. Well, YOU KNOW what's going down tomorrow. Let's see how controlled I can be. Tomorrow: NO CARBS, NO FAT. I am so sore from all this working out. And ballet class was killer. But I have to fucking lose weight, I'm sick of feeling fat all the time.

My Arm Workout

I don't want to throw up anymore I don't want to throw up any more I don't want to throw up any more! It hurts. It's gross. It takes so much effort. It messes with your body more than starving does. In my psychology lecture today, I learned that the bile and stomach acids that pass through your mouth when you vomit eat away at your teeth (which I already knew), but it causes the enamel wears away and once the enamel goes, it's GONE. Forever. And after that, your teeth only last 5-10 years. Oh, god, I literally started shaking when the prof said that. I don't want to throw up anymore. I'm going to put a page in my thinspo book about this issue and how to deal with it.

This has been the most controlled week of 2011 for me. I will say that I binged today. (I purged.) But I'm over that. I went to the gym this morning for TWO hours, burning 460 calories. I did ballet when I got home, burning another 50. Flat tummy, thin arms, and boney chest. Even at my lowest weight of 90 lb, I didn't have a thigh gap. So I'm not gonna fret too much about something that's probably 100% genetics (fucking MOM). My goal for the upcoming week is to NOT binge or purge, and focus on staying as strong as possible on less than 500 calories/day.

Karlie, Karlie, Karlie, Karlie. Anyway, several of you asked for my arm work out since I posted my guns picture. Before I start any workout, I do 25 minutes of cardio.

Day 1: Triceps= (10 triceps extensions 12 lb+10 advanced triceps dips+10 triceps kickbacks 5 lb) x 3.

Day 2: Back and biceps= (10 bicep curls 10 lb +10 reverse flyes 5 lb +10 hammer curls 10 lb+12 single bent-over rows 15 lb) x 3.

Day 3: Shoulders= 20 push ups+ (10 lateral raises 5 lb+10 front raises 5 lb +10 shoulder presses 10 lb) x 3.

Take note of the weights I use. I can't stand the bullshit that says girls should use lower weights and do higher reps for tone. You are NOT going to get bulky with heavy weights, you don't have the testosterone for it! Build some strength! Fucking 3 lb weights I see girls use at the gym...hahahha. Oh and between each set, I do some form of cardio, like 20 jump squats or 15 burpees. Let it be noted that I work out more than 3 days/week, but the same muscle group shouldn't be targeted on consecutive days. Good luck, everyone! I just want to say that your comments mean so so much to me. I love this community so much. For real.

Disappointment Beyond Explanation

I got 5 out of 15 in my economics test. My mark has gone down by 10%. I studied hard. I have no explanation for what happened. I deserve nothing anymore. Nothing. I am so disappointed. How am I going to punish myself... No more shopping. Until April. That camera you were just about to buy online, you can't have it. Uggs? You can't buy them anymore. All those clothes you put in your shopping cart on shopbop.com, delete. You don't deserve them. Today I am going to do cardio for 30 minutes, wash and straighten my hair, and study. I'm not gonna eat more than 300 calories today. In fact, I'm just gonna have an apple mid-day and that'll be all. Family is out tonight, so I'll be home alone. I am just so disappointed. This just shows how much harder I'll have to work than I already am...

Surreal

I can't begin to tell you how "surreal" I feel. I feel like I finally have an idea as to who I want to be as a person. I realize that I just hate eating. I hate the thought. I hate the feeling. And don't get me started the SOUND of eating. I prefer eating alone. That's probably because I feel ashamed to eat. Or it could be because eating is when I actually have time to sit quietly and sit about myself and my life. Today started off great. I got up hella early, 6:30 Am for my 8 AM economics test. After, I went to the gym for an hour. I went to the a campus cafeteria to get something because I had no food, and purchased a parfait. I took two bites and realized that I had no idea what the nutrition info was. I stopped eating and did some intense thinking. I pulled out my laptop and did some intense research. After about 20 minutes, I came to the conclusion that the parfait was not something I should be eating. It was probably full of sugar and fat (from the granola) and the yogurt probably wasn't non-fat. I threw it out.

I went to my psychology lecture and I knew we'd be learning about psychological disorders, but I didn't think the lecture would affect me as much as it did. He was talking about all these disorders. And he talked about eating disorders. And he made a speech about how people with eating disorders don't seek out help and don't want to get better because "ED is like their safety, it's what they know, it's their best friend, they like having that control..." I know it sounds silly, but I felt...exposed, upset. Even talking about the other disorders reminded me of my own. If you really examine about symptoms/signs, you will notice that eating disorders are, essentially, every psychological disorder (aside from schizophrenia) mashed into one poor human, with the addition of disordered eating. The signs of other disorders are just more discreet in ED individuals.

Anyway. I am at home. I'm going to relax, shut off my computer and all other electronics for the night and rest. My dad's birthday dinner is tonight. I got my period, I'm tired, moody, I have a headache, I'm hungry, my muscles are ACHING from all my exercise this week... I'll just fake smiles for dad. Oh, and I want to shout out to Amy, Harley, and Adeline. Thank-you so so much for nominating me for Honest Scrap. I'm gonna quote Adeline, here but, I love you all as much as I love anyone in real life.

Let Me Tell You One Time

I have no idea why I'm so sore from today's workout. All I did was bike for 20 minutes, and run 4-minute intervals for 20 minutes. My legs are so sore. It's not like I haven't worked out in a while, I went to the gym on Friday! Whatever. I'll deal with it. Biology midterm exam on Wednesday, Biology lab quiz Wednesday, Calculus assignment due Friday, Psychology test Friday, French composition due Monday, Economics test February 4, Calculus test February 11.

Ohhhh, boy. This is it. I only have classes until March 30, then finals. This is so crazy. Everything's piling up. But I have it under control. Today, I came home intending to study my ass off and not eat, but my mom's car wasn't starting so she sent ME to get my sister from the dentist. I got lost, the weather was shitty, and 3 hours of my time was WASTED today. Mother-fucker, so I binged. I don't even give a shit. I can't deal with wasting time. I can't stand wasting time.

I'll make up for those 3 hours the rest of the week. I'll be fine. I won't let this happen again. I'll be fine. I'll lose weight. It just breaks my heart when I keep failing. I don't want to be sad anymore. I'm going to DO SOMETHING about it. I'm going to PUSH and FIGHT for this. Today's limit was supposed to be 400 calories, but my bread-and-butter-and-nutella binge added 1360 calories to what would have been a total of 235 cals. Ugh. I'm so strong; I just hate how I let emotions get the better of me. This is something I can work on: Emotions are for the weak. I will not be weak.

Life as of Late

It's been the craziest week ever. I was so...in touch with my self. I lost 3 lb from Monday, which is better than nothing or gaining. I did my homework. I studied. I did ballet. I exercised. OH! And I started using the treadmill again, for the first time since I fell on one over 3 months ago. I love running, so so much. I feel so alive when I run. I feel like I'm GOING somewhere when I run, as ironic as that sounds. The best part about exercise is seeing the results. Even though I binged once this week, the amount of exercise I did "canceled" out the binge. The day I binged, I must have done 100 push-ups, 100 squats, and 100 calf-raises (3 sets, 2 minutes rest b/w sets). Didn't gain a thing. I'm frustrated that my weight loss is slow and that I've set myself so far back, but I know I can do it. I am strong.

I went to the gym at 3:30 pm today, and damnnnnn, there was a surplus of hot boyss, I mean they were just coming in through the goddam window, I was practically drooling while trying not to look stupid in front of all of them. Holy shit, I'm getting wet just thinking about all of them, might have to change my panties hahahahaha. ANYWAY. I think I'll be at the gym every Friday afternoon...Also, I passed the dance studio and there was this girl in there doing ballet, looking so pretty and tiny. I WISH I went in to say 'hello' and 'I do ballet too,' but I didn't because, well...when I'm not TRYING to be cute, my natural style is "grunge-y prep" and I didn't want to intimidate her with my modified combat boots and shielded left eye...

I want to be tiny like the girls in the pictures in this post. Tiny and delicate-looking and graceful and light and blah blah, you get the picture. GOTTA get back to 100 lb. Plus, losing the weight will make me a better ballerina; whenever I gain weight, my pirouettes fail. Also, I'll have the confidence to hook up with a boy. I've decided to ditch the 16-year old because he was starting to get weird and clingy. I'll be open to dates once I dip below 105 lb. I need to get laid. OH SNAP, and my TA for calculus, omgomgomgomg, oh-em-eff-gee, SHIT, fuck, he is so C. U. T. E. CUTE. AHHHHHHH! I went to class for the first time since November, and he's grown out his black hair, it used to be a crew cut, and ahhhhhh, what a cutie!!!! Gawd, and when a question stumped him and his cheeks turned pink, ahhhhhh! I melted. Literally. Into a blob of hearts, and cotton candy, and puppies.

Jeeze, I wish I looked like Karlie Kloss. If I could just get that skinny...Then I can wear cuter clothes, have a good excuse to do my hair better...*sigh*

I Wanna Be Weightless

It's 12:15 PM, and I decided to write here just to "set the stage" for the rest of the day. The mere thought of eating has started to freak me out. I think about it, but then I think of how fat I am and how I don't need to get fatter. And I have so much studying to do today, I simply don't have time to sit down and eat. My parents are going to be gone all day. I've had my muesli with yogurt and raspberries (150 cals). Later I'll have a rice cake (40 cals), then I've have some fruit like blackberries (50 cals). For dinner, my parents will be home and they're barbecuing chicken, so I'll have half a chicken breast (140 cals) and arugula with italian dressing (30 cals) . I honestly don't want to eat much, the thought just sickens me. It's so lovely to think about how thin I'll be if I keep this up. I can't wait.

I got a calculus tutor. She got me through high school physics, chemistry, and calculus. She's in her first year of pharmacy school. I spent 3 hours with her yesterday. In those 3 hours, I caught up on 6 hours worth of classes. Incredible. I have a fighting change to pass this course! I'm not as stressed, I have this under my belt, I can breath! I just have to keep doing the practice now, and I'll meet with her next Saturday. Things will be the way they were in November. I will be just as focused. Just as thin. I remember when I'd shower after using the gym, looking down at my side and seeing how thin and flat I was: I could slip though a crack in the floor. Things are going to get better. I can feel it.

If I could just find the time, then I would never let another day go by.

I'm over getting old.

Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year.

And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere.

And this is my reaction to everything I fear.

'Cause I've been going crazy, I don't want to waste another minute here. -ATL

Shameless

So I just finished watching the first episode of Shameless, the new series. I found it completely thinspiring, throughout the whole episode. For weird reasons. Emmy Rossum's in it, and she's pretty in this natural kind of way. Plus, she's thin. It shows her working so hard to support her 5 siblings. And just watching her do all this work, not having a lot to eat/time to eat, made me want to work harder to get thinner. Whatever. I'm just gonna say, it's an amazing show. It made me feel not so glum about my future. Weight hasn't gone down. Calculus hasn't been dented. But I'm working on it. I swear.

This is not about being sad. This is about control. I just talked to my parents. (About calculus.) The fact that I talked to them is driving me insane. I feel like I just admitted defeat. Or gave in. Or succumbed. Or displayed weakness. I never talk to them. I never express my emotions to them. My mother told me that most of the time I act like a grown woman, not an 18 year old. Yeah, well... I feel exposed. I mean, I realize that I needed to talk to somebody about calculus. They just happened to be the only people I'm not afraid of. I can't believe I actually talked to them. Anyway. What I really want to do is thank everyyyone who commented on my vlog post. I am so in love with you all.

I need the get the control back in my life. I need time to see this through. I need time. I need to focus on myself. What makes me happy. What made me drop to 90 lb two years ago. What keeps me alive. I need to figure this out. If I don't then I 'm just a lost cause.

Going Insane

I haven't been on blogger in a while. I've been going as crazy as I was the week before my Biology exam (the 15th). Crazy, because I didn't do any school work the past 3 weeks. Now, I'm stressing over Economics readings, Psychology readings, and Calculus. Six days before term 2. Shit. I cannot wait to go back to school, but I have to get this work done, first. And fucking hell, I hate being at home. I've been binging like a pig. Miss Alisha is no thinspiration this week. My sister is throwing her massive sweet 16 bash on the 30th and my cousins are coming from Singapore and my parents want me to go to their welcome dinner tonight, but FUCK I have all this Economics reading and shit to do! wrefhdjknwejdskgoinginsane.

The plan for this week is to focus on catching up. I'm also creating a lifestyle plan for 2011. Because in 2011, I WILL NOT fail. Things will be different. I'll be thin. Therefore, I'll be happy. I'll be in control.

Five Pounds Lighter By Christmas

At ballet I ended up wearing my leggings with a long-but-tight long-sleeved black shirt. It was fine. Except that my hips were too wide. And my thighs were too thick. It was repulsive to look at myself in the mirror. I'm actually referring to myself as repulsive! I never thought I'd sink this low. But tomorrow is a very big day. Tomorrow, I will write my Biology exam at 4 PM, and should finish within three hours. Tomorrow, I can start focusing on myself, instead of Biology. These past 10 days, I have disregarded my physical health, which in turn negatively affected my mental health. Direct correlations. But tomorrow that changes. I am so excited for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I am going to work out. It's going to be hard, since I have't done it in so long, but it will feel amazing. I will feel amazing. I'm ready to start looking after myself again. I'm ready to feel beautiful. I'm ready to make a difference in my life.

Tomorrow I will follow my usual meal plan. The one I followed all school year. Tomorrow, everything changes. OMG, and I picked up the mail, and a $100 tax refund check came for me! So here's the deal: If I can lose 5 lb by Christmas, I'll buy myself an entire outfit. A dress with tights and shoes, or a top, cardigan, and skinnies... I have no idea what I weigh now, but I'll find out tomorrow morning. But I KNOW I've gained a substantial amount of weight and I've been eating too much because I've been pooping twice a day. Ya, ya, TMI, I know... So...FIVE POUNDS! Who else wants to lose 5 lb, by xmas? Let's support each other?

I'm making a new year's resolution list. The person I want to be, the things I want to be able to do, the goals I want to accomplish...It's still a work in progress, but I'm trying to carry out the resolutions now. Why wait until 2011? Start making the change now!

Alway Use Your Brain

I tried to do my usual push-ups today, but I've put on a substantial amount of weight, thus my arms were unable to push my fat body up as easily. I fought the urge to self-induce vomiting today. However, that didn't stop me from bingeing. I don't want to sicken anyone with my moments of gluttony. I've realized that the reason I was bingeing was because I wasn't focused. I was not using my brain properly. You see, I have been so pre-occupied with studying for my Biology exam. I need to always bear in mind my goals. There should always be a place in my mind for weight-loss. I can't crowd the place with Biology and let myself eat mindlessly. I need to make a list. New year's resolutions and the like. I'm going to get to that immediately.

I have a lot of issues that need to be fixed and I am determined to fix them. I am so scared and it's going to be so hard. But I need to try; I need to make positive changes in my life. I think another reason, I've been so lazy is because being at home for this break has out me in "holiday mode." Not much to focus on, not always on the go... All this has made me realize how much I love university. The gym. Classes. Hotties. Walking around campus burning cals. Despite the work, I love it, I really do! I actually miss going to classes and learning new things! EVEN Economics. If I don't pass this Biology exam, I can't take it in January; I'll be stuck with Sociology. I really fucking love Biology and learning about the origin of life and animals and genetics and Darwin...

Yes, there is an abundance of Karlie Kloss photos on my laptop. So, uh, tomorrow's gonna be a binge-free day. I have to try. Oh, and Biology is the reason I haven't been commenting on your blogs as much. I've been reading, though! 5 more days until the exam...