The Monster in the Mirror

When I was extremely "sick" in 2008-2009, I did some crazy things. Despite being crazy, they kept me thin at 90 lb and getting thinner. I used to wake up early so I could eat breakfast in solitude. I would take a slice of bread and measure the height, width, and length to calculate the volume. Then I'd cut the crusts off and measure the height, width, and length of that to calculate that volume. I'd make ratios with the volumes and the given calorie content so I'd know exactly how many calories I was eating. Everything I ate was measured. I trained myself to know exactly what one teaspoon of rice looks like, so I'd be able to calculate my calories after having eaten with family; I mentally kept track of each teaspoon I ate. I even know exactly how one cubic inch of chicken should look. I was obsessed with calorie counting and keeping my intake as low as possible. 'Christ, you can't have ANOTHER grape, that'll make your intake for today 4!!!' Looking back, I think the only reason I actually ate was so I could have calories to count.

What I'm trying to say, is that...I wish I could be as strong as I was 2 years ago. I know I have it in me. So I'm going through my old journals. I'm going to try to be that same "sick" girl. It's what I want. Today I was trying to figure out if I should go to Timmy's and get a bagel. Well, actually, I was mostly trying to figure out if I should eat. I was such a battle trying to figure it out, I got so frustrated. It was like this: If I don't get the bagel, I won't be happy and it'll be on my mind; If I do get the bagel and eat it, I will end up feeling sad about it. I didn't get the bagel. It was just too complicated and I couldn't justify it properly. I want to lose 3 lb this week and I want to be 103 lb by February 4. I'm gonna DO IT.

I love ballet so much. I'll be so much better when I get back to 103 lb. I was never big on working out my lower body, because of my large thighs, but I'm starting to feel my butt...jiggle when I do this one ballet move called a bourree. That jiggling will stop; I've started doing lots of squat variations. February 4...I will be 103 lb or less. Promise.

Life as of Late

It's been the craziest week ever. I was so...in touch with my self. I lost 3 lb from Monday, which is better than nothing or gaining. I did my homework. I studied. I did ballet. I exercised. OH! And I started using the treadmill again, for the first time since I fell on one over 3 months ago. I love running, so so much. I feel so alive when I run. I feel like I'm GOING somewhere when I run, as ironic as that sounds. The best part about exercise is seeing the results. Even though I binged once this week, the amount of exercise I did "canceled" out the binge. The day I binged, I must have done 100 push-ups, 100 squats, and 100 calf-raises (3 sets, 2 minutes rest b/w sets). Didn't gain a thing. I'm frustrated that my weight loss is slow and that I've set myself so far back, but I know I can do it. I am strong.

I went to the gym at 3:30 pm today, and damnnnnn, there was a surplus of hot boyss, I mean they were just coming in through the goddam window, I was practically drooling while trying not to look stupid in front of all of them. Holy shit, I'm getting wet just thinking about all of them, might have to change my panties hahahahaha. ANYWAY. I think I'll be at the gym every Friday afternoon...Also, I passed the dance studio and there was this girl in there doing ballet, looking so pretty and tiny. I WISH I went in to say 'hello' and 'I do ballet too,' but I didn't because, well...when I'm not TRYING to be cute, my natural style is "grunge-y prep" and I didn't want to intimidate her with my modified combat boots and shielded left eye...

I want to be tiny like the girls in the pictures in this post. Tiny and delicate-looking and graceful and light and blah blah, you get the picture. GOTTA get back to 100 lb. Plus, losing the weight will make me a better ballerina; whenever I gain weight, my pirouettes fail. Also, I'll have the confidence to hook up with a boy. I've decided to ditch the 16-year old because he was starting to get weird and clingy. I'll be open to dates once I dip below 105 lb. I need to get laid. OH SNAP, and my TA for calculus, omgomgomgomg, oh-em-eff-gee, SHIT, fuck, he is so C. U. T. E. CUTE. AHHHHHHH! I went to class for the first time since November, and he's grown out his black hair, it used to be a crew cut, and ahhhhhh, what a cutie!!!! Gawd, and when a question stumped him and his cheeks turned pink, ahhhhhh! I melted. Literally. Into a blob of hearts, and cotton candy, and puppies.

Jeeze, I wish I looked like Karlie Kloss. If I could just get that skinny...Then I can wear cuter clothes, have a good excuse to do my hair better...*sigh*

Five Pounds Lighter By Christmas

At ballet I ended up wearing my leggings with a long-but-tight long-sleeved black shirt. It was fine. Except that my hips were too wide. And my thighs were too thick. It was repulsive to look at myself in the mirror. I'm actually referring to myself as repulsive! I never thought I'd sink this low. But tomorrow is a very big day. Tomorrow, I will write my Biology exam at 4 PM, and should finish within three hours. Tomorrow, I can start focusing on myself, instead of Biology. These past 10 days, I have disregarded my physical health, which in turn negatively affected my mental health. Direct correlations. But tomorrow that changes. I am so excited for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I am going to work out. It's going to be hard, since I have't done it in so long, but it will feel amazing. I will feel amazing. I'm ready to start looking after myself again. I'm ready to feel beautiful. I'm ready to make a difference in my life.

Tomorrow I will follow my usual meal plan. The one I followed all school year. Tomorrow, everything changes. OMG, and I picked up the mail, and a $100 tax refund check came for me! So here's the deal: If I can lose 5 lb by Christmas, I'll buy myself an entire outfit. A dress with tights and shoes, or a top, cardigan, and skinnies... I have no idea what I weigh now, but I'll find out tomorrow morning. But I KNOW I've gained a substantial amount of weight and I've been eating too much because I've been pooping twice a day. Ya, ya, TMI, I know... So...FIVE POUNDS! Who else wants to lose 5 lb, by xmas? Let's support each other?

I'm making a new year's resolution list. The person I want to be, the things I want to be able to do, the goals I want to accomplish...It's still a work in progress, but I'm trying to carry out the resolutions now. Why wait until 2011? Start making the change now!

A Psychological Understanding

I didn't want to have that Nutella. It just sort of happened. I'm trying to figure out why. Here's what I've figured out.

Pure. Fucking. Habit. It's the kitchen. It's become a habit that whenever I go into the kitchen I have Nutella. In psychology, they call this...classical conditioning. Or Pavlovian conditioning.

Pavlov, the psychologist, would ring a bell every time he brought meat to dogs, who would salivate with the meat's presence.

The dogs were conditioned to associate the bell with meat. Soon, the dogs began to salivate with the mere sound of the bell, without the meat: a response that wouldn't have existed without the classical conditioning.

I have conditioned myself to associate the kitchen with eating nutella. I have to extinguish the conditioned response.

On a different note, I don't want to wear leggings to ballet tonight, because my legs look disgustingly lumpy and fat and ugh. I have no idea what to wear. But ballet is my major motivation to become skinny.

To Be Weightless

I want to talk about ballet. Does anyone else here take ballet? Lately, I've been so completely inspired by ballet. I watch pointe floor work videos on youtube and I can't get enough of them. Basically, I want to lose these 10 lb so I can be lighter and better in ballet. My thighs are too chunky. Gotta tone down. I mean, I probably won't ever make it to pointe level, but it's nice to try. I want to be graceful, flawless, light, weightless. I've started 246. My mother has bought 2 loaves of cinnamon raisin bread because she knows I binge on it. I have to try so hard to avoid it. I'm trying. I'm avoiding food. Why? Because I need to lose 10 lb, that's why! NEED. Christmas is less than 30 days away. I recently found a texting buddy, and she told me that if I stick to 246 and add in some exercise, I can lose 10 lb in 20 days! She lost 15 lb in two weeks on 256. To be completely honest, I am so perfectly capable of that. So here we go. I'll avoid food all day today. Gonna weigh in tomorrow morning, tomorrow night, repeat until Christmas. I can't eat because I have 10 lb to lose.

Be strong, and stay strong. Always. That's it. Gotta study for a major psychology test, now! BY THE WAY: I want to thank everyone who commented on the previous post. Your comments mean the world me. xo

Reflections

I guess you could say, I'm making progress. Or you could say I'm at a standstill. Yes, I've been eating better, and yes, I've been exercising a lot. I've been eating better since Wednesday. But, I must mention that I've been having Nutella. Jesus. Christ. THAT IS A FORBIDDEN ITEM. It's not SAFE. It's BAD. But I've been having it. Not enough to make me gain weight, though. And today, I was so good, but at 7 45 PM when it was just me and my sister at home, I had a bowl of cereal with almond milk, some french fries, lots of Nutella, and bread with jam. Today. I'll probably gain from that, but I'm just trying to focus on doing better from NOW ON. I'm sorry I let that binge happen. But it did, and I can't go back, but I can do better in the future.

I am very terrified that I won't make it to the 90s for xmas. So terrified, that the thought leaves a lump in my throat, a wrench in my stomach. It scares me to death. THIS EXACT TIME last year is when I set my 93 lb UGW. My journal says I was supposed to be there by December 18th, 2009. I didn't make it. There are numerous scribbles: the date kept having to be pushed. It's still being pushed. It's heartbreaking to realize that I've been such a failure. But no. Not this time. No. One year later, I am going to make it. I am going to beat this. I'm going to win. I'm going to be thin. I'm going to have. It. All.

I do my best if I plan my intake. Here we go: breakfast: usual muesli with raspberries and nonfat yogurt (150), apple (50), bread+jam (100), yogurt (35), rice cake (40). That's about 400 calories a day. No exceptions, no add-ins, NOTHING. That's the PLAN. That's the DIET. That's my LIFESTYLE until I reach my goal. This is a decision I'm making for ME, for my sanity. I'm making this conscious decision. And I HAVE to eat every 3 hours, without fail. If not, I end up binging. I'll stick to this plan. It's the only way I'll be safe.

I didn't go to the gym today, on account of my malnutrition was causing a bad headache and I felt light-headed which would be bad at the gym, so I went home at 4. However, I did 30 minutes of leisure ballet practice. I really worked up a sweat, I was surprised! That means lots of calories were burned. I guess I'll be doing ballet more often! I want to be super tiny for ballet. Our recital is in May, and we don't have our costumes yet, but I want my thighs and hips to shrink drastically for ballet. To be lovely and graceful.

Bones, Bones, Bones!

I don't think my weight will be lower tomorrow morning, because when I came home from school today, I binged and purged. Yuck. It was a good day. Then I went to Economics. I don't really understand that class. So almost the entire lecture, I didn't take any notes because I figure, 'I don't understand what the fuck is going on so I shouldn't really write if I don't know what I'm writing, I can get help later.' 90 minutes into the lecture, I see the prof looking directly at me. He says to the whole hall, "Upper year students will tell you this: your notes in class will account for 90% of your mark." I freeze, and pretend to write crap down. He was obviously talking to ME, in a hall of 380 students...I felt like shit. And I was starving. I was feeling thin and lovely, but still starving. And all I could think about was food. I looked down at my paper and saw that I had drawn a stupid pretzel! That's how hungry I was! I planned out a binge: 1 soft pretzel and 6 Mrs. Fields cookies. So after the lecture I went to the mall and headed to the photography store to drop off a roll of film. I had such a nice conversation with the people there, that I didn't feel like binging anymore! When I got home, however, I saw the bread and wolfed down two slices with olive oil and chocolate. Then purged. All better.

I had my first recital ballet class today. It's teen ballet, so I'm the oldest, tallest...But I am also the skinniest. I am the boniest. I could feel my collar bones jutting out, my arms dangling like twigs, the skin stretched over my chest and ribs...I also have the tiniest boobs. One little 13-year old girl has a bigger chest than me! I felt a tad awkward. But nonetheless, I felt thin. It's nice to feel thin, then look in the mirror and see it, too. Here's what I basically eat: breakfast-natural muesli+raspberries+nonfat yogurt (125 cals), apple (50 cals), ww bread slice(85), light cheese (45), nonfat yogurt (35), celery/carrots (15). Breakfast is my only real meal, everything else is spaced throughout the day. If I eat more, it's purged most likely. I just need to build up my strength to avoid the "binging" in order to get down to 93 lb. I SWEAR, girls, it's HAPPENING this time.

Life's What You Make It

Vanilla almond milk is really good. I went grocery shopping with my mom yesterday, and, of course, since I have this obsession with looking at all the different foods and imagining myself trying and eating them, my mom tells me "oh you like that, put it in the cart!" Of course I know I shouldn't get it, but I put it in the cart anyway. My mom loves it when I say I want food, regardless of what it is. Ugh. I laugh at myself.

Binged yesterday and kept it in. I was just so lazy. I decided I DO NOT want to do adult ballet in September. I'm in an adult class now, and adults are just so...big and clumsy and they aren't interested in genuinely learning ballet, they just want some kind of "workout." So I went and switched to teen ballet. I barely made the cut, since I'm 18. Lucky me! Since there was a $5 difference in prices, they gave me FIVE free passes to use the gym! Yay! Now I don't have to pay $7 each time. Did I mention I can't wait to start university and start losing so much weight?Being at home so much is the cause of over-eating and binges. Ohh, I'm going to be thin and pretty! I have made that commitment. I'm sick of failing and waiting and dreaming of being thin. I am going to make this happen.

Thou Shall Not Gain Weight

I actually don't even know why I eat. Yuck. I feel like shit for eating all that almond butter just a minute ago. I'm gonna ditch dinner tonight. Since I don't have my car for the time being, my mom will have to drive me to ballet tonight at 5:30 and my dad will pick me up at 7 30. My class ends at 7, so I'll just feed my parents a story that I got hungry waiting for a ride so I had a poppy seed bagel with cream cheese from the cafe. That will get me out of dinner. I'll eat half of the whole wheat spaghetti my mom made especially for me for lunch, and flush the other half down the toilet. I'll have an apple before ballet. Lately, I haven't been getting enough fruits and veggies.

And, oh, crap! My dad is taking our whole stupid family to the beach tomorrow. I love the beach. I hate the food. There is no way I am going to get out of eating a goddam burger tomorrow. It's just not gonna happen. Dammit. Last week, I managed to get us out of going to the beach because of the car accident. I hope it rains like mad tomorrow. I really don't want that burger...Hopefully I can get away with eating half of it, or just the bun, or...I don't even know. Or I can "take a long walk" after eating and purge somewhere in the woods. I just cannot bear to ruin the progress I've made in the past 3 days. I love being able to feel my ribs as I slide my hands down my side. I love my hip bones and tiny wrists. It's also nice to feel comfortable about wearing a tank top because of my toned arms.

Since I'll be extra early and saying later after ballet tonight, I'll buy a day pass for the gym and use the cardio machines for as long as I can. Damn, I'm motivatied to lose weight.

Ballet

My first day of ballet classes, ever, was last night. I loved it. The instructor has been dancing all her life, graduated from the National Ballet of Canada, and now works there. Since we're adult beginners, we aren't required to wear dance shoes; we're doing it barefoot. It was a pretty good toning session for my glutes and abs. Also, it REALLY improves your posture. You must stand tall, making your back as erect as you can with your shoulders down and back. Doing the different positions, I felt so graceful. If I end up liking it, I'll purchase dance shoes, and continue it! I'm so happy I found these classes.
Last night, my parents were pissed off that I only had 1/2 an apple and some cheese for "dinner," but I told them to leave me alone, it's FINE. I'm NOT about to let my parents and food ruin my happiness.

Ballet Thinspo!