My Arm Workout

I don't want to throw up anymore I don't want to throw up any more I don't want to throw up any more! It hurts. It's gross. It takes so much effort. It messes with your body more than starving does. In my psychology lecture today, I learned that the bile and stomach acids that pass through your mouth when you vomit eat away at your teeth (which I already knew), but it causes the enamel wears away and once the enamel goes, it's GONE. Forever. And after that, your teeth only last 5-10 years. Oh, god, I literally started shaking when the prof said that. I don't want to throw up anymore. I'm going to put a page in my thinspo book about this issue and how to deal with it.

This has been the most controlled week of 2011 for me. I will say that I binged today. (I purged.) But I'm over that. I went to the gym this morning for TWO hours, burning 460 calories. I did ballet when I got home, burning another 50. Flat tummy, thin arms, and boney chest. Even at my lowest weight of 90 lb, I didn't have a thigh gap. So I'm not gonna fret too much about something that's probably 100% genetics (fucking MOM). My goal for the upcoming week is to NOT binge or purge, and focus on staying as strong as possible on less than 500 calories/day.

Karlie, Karlie, Karlie, Karlie. Anyway, several of you asked for my arm work out since I posted my guns picture. Before I start any workout, I do 25 minutes of cardio.

Day 1: Triceps= (10 triceps extensions 12 lb+10 advanced triceps dips+10 triceps kickbacks 5 lb) x 3.

Day 2: Back and biceps= (10 bicep curls 10 lb +10 reverse flyes 5 lb +10 hammer curls 10 lb+12 single bent-over rows 15 lb) x 3.

Day 3: Shoulders= 20 push ups+ (10 lateral raises 5 lb+10 front raises 5 lb +10 shoulder presses 10 lb) x 3.

Take note of the weights I use. I can't stand the bullshit that says girls should use lower weights and do higher reps for tone. You are NOT going to get bulky with heavy weights, you don't have the testosterone for it! Build some strength! Fucking 3 lb weights I see girls use at the gym...hahahha. Oh and between each set, I do some form of cardio, like 20 jump squats or 15 burpees. Let it be noted that I work out more than 3 days/week, but the same muscle group shouldn't be targeted on consecutive days. Good luck, everyone! I just want to say that your comments mean so so much to me. I love this community so much. For real.

Fun Fact

My psychology text book has just informed me that "Vomiting prevents the absorption of only about half of recently consumed food, and laxatives and diuretics have negligible impact of caloric intake, so people suffering from bulimia nervosa typically maintain a reasonably normal weight." Just putting that out there.

I took today off to study for my calculus test, which is tomorrow which I haven't studied all week for, which I'm probably going to fail anyway, which means I am most likely going to drop the course and take it in the summer or next year. Better than bringing my GPA down...

Bones, Bones, Bones!

I don't think my weight will be lower tomorrow morning, because when I came home from school today, I binged and purged. Yuck. It was a good day. Then I went to Economics. I don't really understand that class. So almost the entire lecture, I didn't take any notes because I figure, 'I don't understand what the fuck is going on so I shouldn't really write if I don't know what I'm writing, I can get help later.' 90 minutes into the lecture, I see the prof looking directly at me. He says to the whole hall, "Upper year students will tell you this: your notes in class will account for 90% of your mark." I freeze, and pretend to write crap down. He was obviously talking to ME, in a hall of 380 students...I felt like shit. And I was starving. I was feeling thin and lovely, but still starving. And all I could think about was food. I looked down at my paper and saw that I had drawn a stupid pretzel! That's how hungry I was! I planned out a binge: 1 soft pretzel and 6 Mrs. Fields cookies. So after the lecture I went to the mall and headed to the photography store to drop off a roll of film. I had such a nice conversation with the people there, that I didn't feel like binging anymore! When I got home, however, I saw the bread and wolfed down two slices with olive oil and chocolate. Then purged. All better.

I had my first recital ballet class today. It's teen ballet, so I'm the oldest, tallest...But I am also the skinniest. I am the boniest. I could feel my collar bones jutting out, my arms dangling like twigs, the skin stretched over my chest and ribs...I also have the tiniest boobs. One little 13-year old girl has a bigger chest than me! I felt a tad awkward. But nonetheless, I felt thin. It's nice to feel thin, then look in the mirror and see it, too. Here's what I basically eat: breakfast-natural muesli+raspberries+nonfat yogurt (125 cals), apple (50 cals), ww bread slice(85), light cheese (45), nonfat yogurt (35), celery/carrots (15). Breakfast is my only real meal, everything else is spaced throughout the day. If I eat more, it's purged most likely. I just need to build up my strength to avoid the "binging" in order to get down to 93 lb. I SWEAR, girls, it's HAPPENING this time.

Eating is Unnecessary

It's kind of like constantly being watched. I feel like every move I make is watched and recorded and scrutinized. That is because of the way my parents constantly used to watch me and scrutinize me. Because of them, I always have my guard up, a strong thick wall. I am always afraid that I will do something wrong, so I go to great lengths to seem normal. I always think of what could happen if I say or do something; I never do things in the moment, out of fear. I am extremely self-concious in this way. This is a very ugly thing that I do not want to discuss further. But it just makes me sad and angry that I am this way because of my parents.

I must say, I've been good the past few days, minus Thursday. Last night I made these cinnamon rolls. They came out fantastic. I binged on two, but purged them. My mom took me and my sister out for Indian food. Indian food is so tasty...Anyway, I didn't eat much, just bhindi (okra) masala and whole wheat roti/bread. I believe I purged some of that, too. Haha. I cheat to lose weight. I got my car back, today! I'm thrilled. No more spending time at stupid home. I'm going to a party tonight. There will be pizza. And probably dessert. If I eat, I purge. No buts about it. The thing is, when I'm about to eat something that isn't "safe," I think 'I can always purge it.' But then I think 'Purging is so tiring and gross...I don't really feel like doing it unnecessarily...' So that's when I stop myself from eating it. It's a pretty good technique. Stay strong, lovelies!

The Fight

Well, today was a complete disaster. My dad was BENT on taking the family to the beach. He fucking didn't check the weather properly. It poured rain, the beach was disgusting when we got there, it was SO windy and cold...I don't need to go further. We were disappointed and unhappy. In my case, those two feelings lead to...binging...Yup. Ate everything. Timbits. Chips. Entire loaded burger. When we got home: bread, butter, cookies...at least I purged those three. Today was a really bad day. I swear to God, I'm never hanging out with my family willingly, again. I don't give a shit. I'm not concerned with their feelings.

I know, I messed up today, but I can make it up in the days to come. I have those days. I won't waste them. I will not self-detrust and to harmful things to myself, like eating shit. I am tired of "doing the politically right thing." You know, spending time with my family because THEY'D like it, eating because it would make my mom feel better...I'm tired of doing things for the sake of others, ESPECIALLY my family. I want to do this one simple thing for myself. I want to lose weight. And if my family attempts to get in my way, I have to say no. I have to put my foot down. I have to do what's best for ME in the long run. This is about ME.

I have to do this. Because I will never be at peace with myself until I can finally establish that sense of ultimate power and control over my own life. That is the ultimate goal, the ultimate goal...Dammit, I just stared at the screen for 5 minutes, scared sick that all this fighting with my dark passenger was for nothing...But no. It isn't for nothing. I don't work hard for nothing. This is for something...This is for Thinness, right- I mean, beauty, I mean, attention, no, I mean control. Yes, Control, it's about possessing ultimate control.

Food=Annoyance

Honestly, I've been doing good and I'm proud of myself and the progress I've made. My only weakness is almond butter. It's the main source of fat in my diet. Without it, I'd be perfect. Wow, perfect is a strong word. But it's true. Today, I had a pretty big lunch which I'm not happy about. My mom was around, but I should have wasted half of it...I have no idea why I didn't. Yuck. I hate the feeling of fullness. My mom informed me that my dad's gonna be home tonight and there is pasta with clams and meat sauce for dinner. I don't think either of my parents will be home for dinner. But if they are, and IF I eat with them, I will purge everything. I cannot take in any more food today. I've had enough of carbs for the day, enough fat, and I DO NOT want the meat from the meat sauce in my body. That's my guarantee: I will purge if I eat that dinner.

Weighed myself this morning, for the first time in 3 weeks. 105 lb. Whatever. I'm making progress. My BMI is exactly 18. I'd really like to see it back in the low 17s. Soon. You know, it's actually not even a joke how much I detest my parents. I detest them and how they obsess over eating and food. Over MY eating and food. Over my LIFE. Mom is always wanting to see and know what I'm eating. I hate it when people see me eat. My parents judge me based on what I eat. They think I'm mental for saying dinner should be the smallest meal of the day, even though it SHOULD; just because they're so used to enormous dinners and tiny breakfasts. Goddam, I hate my family when it comes to food. They are disgusting. I just wish I could get away with eating a mere slice of bread for lunch, the way I do when they aren't around...

Frosh week starts on September 1 and I want to be very very skinny and toned by then. Very skinny. Hopefully I can make it to 100 lb by then. I think I'd be quite thin at 100 lb.

Sometimes I Just Go For It

I disgust myself. Seriously. I'm pissed at my mom and dad for making a big deal about my lack of eating. I binged and purged last night. I was making pancakes this morning and my dad comes up to me saying, "I'm worried about you not eating enough. When you're 70 years old your bones will probably be weak and brittle. I hate to think how your bones are now..." I binged again this afternoon. Bread+butter, pancakes, maple syrup, rice, cookie dough...Then I took my sister to Coldstone where I had sweet cream with cookie dough. Dammit. I'm not gonna purge. I deserve to work THAT MUCH HARDER this week. More swimming, running, skipping, and calisthenics. And restricting. I'm good at that when I really try. I honestly can't believe I binged that much. I mean, usually I stop before I go too far, but this was ridicules. I am utterly ashamed of myself.
Going to my aunt's birthday party at her house tonight. Her husband's a chef. Good food. I'll try sticking to veggies only. I made a marble bundt cake to take for dessert. It's a damn good cake. I CANNOT have any dessert. I CANNOT. I WILL NOT. I'll say 'no, thanks.' I promise. I need to prove myself to myself. I DO have the will power. Food is the enemy. I have come wayyy to far to take orders from food. Way too far. Hahaha. I scoff at food. I scoff at fat. I am better than that. Skinny, and everything it brings, is better than that. ^I love that picture so much. I want to go to the beach. Wear beach clothes. And look like the cutest, thinnest girl in sight.

I'm Tired

It's 6 PM and I'm gonna leave the house for a couple of hours. I don't want to be home for my mom to make me eat a dinner. I've barely eaten today. Ate breakfast. 135 calories. Lunch. 80 cals. Coffee cake. A billion cals. Purged the cake and the lunch. I don't want to eat anymore. I did a bit of ballet. I'm really tired. I should never have promised my mom I'd make her a coffee cake.

I am not sure if I will be able to make my weekly goal of 101 lb because I got my stupid period today. So, because my body's extremely low on energy, it'll store whatever I eat, so I might as well eat the way I've been eating during this plateau. No need to change intake patterns. Damn, I feel sluggish. I promised my mom I'd go running with her tonight at 8 45, so...that's that. What a boring update. I'm so tired. And I feel bloated. Yuck.

Thinspo for the soul:
In the near future, I will be as tiny as the two girls in the two above pictures. I promise.

What A Fat ASS!

Ew gross gross gross.
Binging. Yesterday and today. I don't even want to TALK about last night's binge+purge. Let's just say, it involved me driving around, running in and out of shops. At least I purged.
Today: Binge. Purge. Got tired. Binge again. Didn't purge on account of tiredness.
World Cup party at our house. Tons of food around. Still binging. Haven't stopped. Not planning on barfing again. I'm just too tired. Don't even WANT to eat anymore. I feel turned off. Full. Fat. Gross.
WILL MAKE UP FOR THIS TOMORROW.
NO MORE of this getting up at 11 30. MY whole day ends up being wasted. I need more time to work out.
Anyway. I WAS going to talk about how I've been stuck at 103.6 lb for the LONGEST time. I might have plateaued. How annoying. But after today, I've probably gained a tad bit. Whatever. I can jump-start weight-loss tomorrow. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Bad Day

Today was a bad day because I lined up for 3 hours at a job fair to try for a job at the local bookstore. THREE HOURS! It was awful. Especially with all the lovely fashion stores and smell of pretzels around me. I was pretty irritated. Over 1000 people there...Probably another 1000 tomorrow. And only 40-50 get hired. Whatever. It was my first experience at a job interview.
I was SO stressed out and annoyed, that after the end of my FIVE MINUTE interview, I went and got a regular pretzel and 3 Mrs. Fields cookies. Ate them. Went to A&W. Got two mini sirloin burgers. Woofed them down. Went and purged everything. Fun, but not fun. Then, I met my mom who said (after I said I didn't feel like dinner) something like, "You're not REALLY anorexic yet, but you're SORTA getting anorexic." So, I was like, "Uh, no. You know nothing." Boy, I was getting more stressed out by the second. So I said, "Let's just go to Moxies for dinner." (That's the place I went on Tuesday night.) We went. I ate my favourite tandoori salmon salad. We ordered the sticky toffee pudding a la mode. I went and purged it plus some of the salad. I'm pro.

I haven't worked out in two days. I will tomorrow. I deserve a kick in the butt. Cardio with a bit of weight training. Tomorrow will be a lovely day, I promise. Stress-free. Fat-free. Skinny.

Thinking Thin and Satisfying a Craving

I am absolutely in love with losing weight. I love feeling thinner. I love noticing the change in my body. I love my new energy. I love exercising and feeling better about myself. Confidence is a lovely thing to have. It feels good to be in the 103 lb range. This is where I was before March, when the binge eating started. But that phase is over, and I am a stronger person. I am smarter, I have goals, and I am in control.
Went to dinner last night for a friends 18th birthday. All the girls were ordering pizzas, tacos, quesadillas...I felt like I would look like a "calorie-girl" if I ordered the tandoori salmon salad (even though it's my fav thing there!). So I got pulled-pork sliders. Not too bad, 3 mini burgers. Then I was dumb and ordered dessert. Sticky toffee pudding a la mode. Dammit. Went to the washroom and purged most of everything.
Woke up this morning as thin as the days before. I did strength training today. I did some shoulder moves that are meant for guys. After, I realized that my shoulders are getting too broad with that move, so I'm gonna drop that move from my routine to avoid looking manly. After all, I'm going for a thin, delicate, feminine look.
I've discovered a good way to satisfy my chocolate/sugar craving: low-fat chocolate milk! It's so good. And just after a workout...Anyway, I'm craving junk less and less. It might have something to do with the increase in my hours of sleep.

The Morning After

My graduation party last night was a complete disaster for me. Not food wise, but I was just getting more and more depressed as the night wore on. People would ask me where I'm going to school in September, and I would have to say, "University of Toronto, Mississauga campus..." I always sound so depressed when I talk about it. That's why I don't like to talk about it. I'm staying at home. And when people find out I'm going to UTM, they're like, "But first year in residence is an experience!" And I tell them I can't afford it so they drop it. It's a lie my parents told me to justify not sending me. The truth of the matter is that they are possessive of me. My mom admitted it today. It hurt my parents so much to see me so depressed all night. They regret not sending me to U of Toronto, downtown. My mom says I can try for second year. I just really want to get away from this house of hell.
I ate pretty well. Resisted crap. I kept repeating in my head, "you're are 105, don't screw up. You want to get to 104 soon!" I had gone for lunch with my sister and cousin to watch the USA-Ghana game. My sister and I shared fajitas, my cousin had wings and fries. I thought I'd be safe with one fajita, but I ended up loving the taste, having two, and devouring the remaining of my cousin's fries. Christ. I bolted to the bathroom during the extended game time, and purged most of that crap. Came back perfectly normal. For dinner I had 1 chip, 6 baby carrots, 4 cucumber slices, a bite of chicken, and a spoon of rice. Pretty damn good, huh! Everytime I want to eat something, I ask myself if I want to lose weight.
I'm proud of myself. I'm losing weight. I'm going to apply for the job at the book store, Chapters. I'm going to keep myself busy, not eat, and away from my family.

107.4

Purging is bad, I know. But it's like...eat what you want and then "undo" it! Whoa, cool!
Yeah. My sister wanted McDonald's, so we went and she got nuggets, fries and a sundae. I ate some fries, a nugget and half the sundae. I lost control. It had been over 4 years since my last McDonald's. Came home, hoping my parents weren't home so I could purge in peace. They were home. And they wanted to have dinner together. Well, screw that!, I thought. I ditched their dinner, not thinking about the guilt, and went to the bathroom. I purged most of that greasy crap and the the sundae.

Tomorrow I'm gonna have breakfast and just nibble stuff, like fruits and veges, if I get hungry throughout the day. I'll have tea and water. That's about it, on account of I'm really really tired of failing, looking in the mirror and feeling fat, and looking fat.
Last exam tomorrow! That means TONS of time to work out and there is NO need to eat! And I can read all the books I want without worrying about having something else to do. Weighed-in this morning at 107.4 lb. So despite my binge and purge today, hopefully I can be 106-106.5 by the weekend. I am looking forward to feeling light and being thin and having SO much confidence.

Operation Look-Like-Miranda-Kerr NOW COMMENCING.
Stay STRONG! "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera is a good motivational song.

108.2

I am getting very good at avoiding eating. The entire year after my parents discovered my eating disorder, they watched me like a hawk. Life was hell. As my lovely followers know, a little while ago I informed my parents that they really cannot hassle me about food and eating anymore, I won't stand for it. So they don't really comment on my eating or question me anymore. My mom is a little worried still, but I couldn't care less, I'll just tell her to get over it. I'm really sad that I'm staying home for university. Sad that I'm STUCK here. With my parents. And their stupid house rules. It just breaks my heart every time I remember this fact: that I'm stuck here for the next for years, living at home under my parents rules. I've never had a job because my parents told me to focus on school. Now I regret it. I could have gotten out of here if I had had a job. Should I get a job? The thought of a job freaks me out, but I should get a job right?

When I came home at 8 tonight, I found out my period had arrived so I ate some chicken and rice (after saying I would skip dinner), and decided to binge on chocolate fondue and raspberries. So I went to purge that, got some out, but it was taking wayy to long to get out and I was like in my head 'this is getting awfully boring.' So I gave up, and a second later, my mom came home.
Anyway, so I'm getting good at avoiding eating. I'm thinking that once my exams are over (last one on Thursday!) I'll just stop eating. Only eating to keep from passing out. I really love Wasted. I can't stop reading it. It's preventing me from studying for Calculus and Chemistry. *sigh* Just think, Alisha, after tomorrow, you never have to deal with chemistry ever again.

^Summer thinspo! Stay strong and beautiful, lovelies!

Oh ya! I've decided to weigh myself WITHOUT subtracting weight for clothes and water and the like. (Wii fit allows you to do that...) So without subtracting anything, I'm...108.2 lb. Ewwwwww. NO WONDER nothing in my closet fits. That will change soon.

Expectations

Some days, I just fail so miserably, that I don't want to continue anymore. I think about starting over the next day, but it all just seems so overwhelming and those are the times I think "Fuck it." The problem is that attitude. I want to get in the 90s so bad. I want to lose the fat on my thighs and hips so bad. But I'm expecting too much too soon. So I need to take it slower. I need to realize that it will take longer than a week to see results. Duh. If I am 106 lb right now, a reasonable goal is to be 100 in less than 3 weeks. Completely doable. So losing 2 lb a week should be expected. Expected.
I'm going to try this new thing where every time I lose 4 pounds, I will buy myself a lovely bracelet. I have my eye on a lovely one from Coach.
It's Father's Day and we are having lobster for dinner. I just had a pretty big lunch, something I said I wouldn't have. If I eat too much dinner, I'm definitely going to try purging that. Yesterday I tried to purge some cookies, but only yucky stomach acid came out. It was awfully horrible.

Mia

Yesterday, I tried again.
I ate a bunch of chocolate and some mango.
I stuck my fingers down my throat in a second attempt to see if I could still purge.
I did. I can. I still have that power. Boy, it excited the crap out of me.
I did it again today. Ate cookies and purged. Well then.
At least I have the power to "undo" my "eating-errors."
It turns out that other girls (that I know online) were right. The book Wasted DID trigger a relapse in me. I would never have tried to self-induce vomiting had I not read the book because I truly believed that I lost my gag reflex. Reading that Marya Hornbacher was bulimic for over 5 years made my mind think like that. So I relapsed, so what.

I'm completely depressed. I mean I was completely happy this afternoon, came home, started driving to restaurant with mom, and became completely overcome with depression. It was the worst. I was sick to my stomach with sadness. I came home, got into bed, and cried and cried and cried. Listening to Silverstein didn't help much. I was SO depressed, it's really not funny. Suicidal and everything...Scared the shit out of me. My heart was racing with anxiety, I was begging to God for the sadness to stop. It didn't.
That is what I want to look like. And I will, one day. Soon. Soon? Soon.