To Be or Not to Be

I want people to physically turn their heads when I walk by. I want them to think to themselves 'she is so skinny...' I want to be pure, no fat, just skin stretched over bones. That's what I want. That "coveted" title of anorexic. But I am not anorexic, I don't know if I have an eating disorder. I know that I was diagnosed with bulimia two years ago. But that was two years ago. I don't know anymore. All I can focus on, is what I WANT. Not anorexia, but that thinness associated with anorexia. THAT's what I want. So time to focus on other things. Eating should not be the issue here. Eating should never be a concern. It shouldn't be problematic because you're not supposed to be eating if you want to be skinny!

Basically, I'm going to stay with the plan I've been talking about in the past few blogs because it works for me. I just can't slip up. I am going to stay focused. Focused. In addition to the no eating after 8 PM, I'm eliminating carbs (MEANING BREAD and RICE and other refined/processed sugars) after 6 PM. No exceptions. Gotta lose more weight. I need to SEE some progress by Friday. I hope all you girls are doing okay, keeping up with your goals. Every time I see one of your lovely comments on my blogs, I'm that much more motivated to keep going. Although I can't say that I have an ED, I am a huge supporter of the ED community. Stay strong!

I Am Queen Of My World

I hate my parents. They can mean well, but in all honesty, I hate them a lot. I'm only still here because I need their money to get through university. Otherwise, I'd leave. At 6:30 PM they were bitching because I only had 2 meals: breakfast (because I woke up at 12) and a little dinner. They were like" COME with us for dinner, you CAN'T live off two meals a day." They don't realize that I eat two meals everyday. They kept saying, "You need to more calories a day. You HAVE to come out for dinner with us." I kept saying, "NO, NO. It's FINE. I'm FINE. I JUST ATE at 6. I'm not coming. Bye." Dad says, "You need more calories. Don't make this difficult for us." Me: "Who's making anything difficult?" Dad: "You make it difficult for us when you don't eat." Me: "I'm fine. Goodbye!" I don't care about their guilt trips and family time and their insisting. Giving in is a sign of weakness. It's a sign that I can let people control me. I AM NOT ABOUT TO LET THEM or ANYONE CONTROL ANY PART OF ME. I am queen of my world. Queen Alisha. Queen Alisha does not let anyone tell her what to do.
So ya. Screw my parents. Screw food. I am winning this battle. And it feels great. I managed to do 10 whole minutes of skipping today. I had to stop for a few seconds a couple of times, but it's okay. I can keep building my way up, skipping for longer and longer times. I know I'm losing weight, but I feel like it's not showing enough. My thighs are getting smaller, but they still touch. My hips are wayy smaller than they were last month, but they are still too wide. My stomach still needs shrinking, I hate the way it sticks out. Anyway, my parents really depressed the shit out of me. They made me remember why I should always find a reason to get out of the house. Make up excuses, anything. We live and learn, right!? Well, while my family has dinner I'm going to relax, continue reading East of Eden, and not come out my room for the rest of the night.

108.2

I am getting very good at avoiding eating. The entire year after my parents discovered my eating disorder, they watched me like a hawk. Life was hell. As my lovely followers know, a little while ago I informed my parents that they really cannot hassle me about food and eating anymore, I won't stand for it. So they don't really comment on my eating or question me anymore. My mom is a little worried still, but I couldn't care less, I'll just tell her to get over it. I'm really sad that I'm staying home for university. Sad that I'm STUCK here. With my parents. And their stupid house rules. It just breaks my heart every time I remember this fact: that I'm stuck here for the next for years, living at home under my parents rules. I've never had a job because my parents told me to focus on school. Now I regret it. I could have gotten out of here if I had had a job. Should I get a job? The thought of a job freaks me out, but I should get a job right?

When I came home at 8 tonight, I found out my period had arrived so I ate some chicken and rice (after saying I would skip dinner), and decided to binge on chocolate fondue and raspberries. So I went to purge that, got some out, but it was taking wayy to long to get out and I was like in my head 'this is getting awfully boring.' So I gave up, and a second later, my mom came home.
Anyway, so I'm getting good at avoiding eating. I'm thinking that once my exams are over (last one on Thursday!) I'll just stop eating. Only eating to keep from passing out. I really love Wasted. I can't stop reading it. It's preventing me from studying for Calculus and Chemistry. *sigh* Just think, Alisha, after tomorrow, you never have to deal with chemistry ever again.

^Summer thinspo! Stay strong and beautiful, lovelies!

Oh ya! I've decided to weigh myself WITHOUT subtracting weight for clothes and water and the like. (Wii fit allows you to do that...) So without subtracting anything, I'm...108.2 lb. Ewwwwww. NO WONDER nothing in my closet fits. That will change soon.

I heart cute soccer players and I hate malls

Yesterday, my mom took me to the mall to buy a grad dress. We found one. I shall post a picture of me in it after the 26th. It's long and white and completely lovely. I always thought I'd have a short mini grad dress, but not after trying this one on...My mom was so happy we found a dress that she bought me clear flip flops and a short blue party dress. After all the "un-daughterly" things I do...
I want Miranda Kerr's arms. My arms used to look like that...My arms look pretty floppy in the strapless dress. I need to do something about that. I'm gonna work out today. I'm so nervous about it, but I think once I get back into it I won't want to stop. Yesterday, I had 8 pieces of sushi at lunch with my mom at the mall. Really filled me up. Today is a 200 calories day.
OMG. So I ate some chocolate yesterday and felt shitty about it. I thought, 'okay, I haven't made myself throw up since January because I believed I lost my gag reflex. But there's no way I lost it, some people are bulimic for years!' So, last night, I stuck my finger down my throat and tried to make myself purge the chocolate. It didn't come up, I got annoyed, and called it quits. I think I'm just gonna avoid junk...
The food court at the mall depressed the hell out of me yesterday. I saw people, teenagers, eating. They looked so happy. Eating KFC, poutine, burgers, pizza...They looked like they didn't give a damn about how unhealthy that food was. Boy, with every passing minute I was getting more and more depressed. After my mom and I finished eating, I told her 'please let's go home now.'

So here's a cute soccer player from France: Yoann Gourcuff. *sigh*

A Note on Food and My Last Day

It's been a long time since I have actually had any will power. I have not given a shit about my eating for a while. But I have realized that today, I'm tired of eating. I mean, the only reason I ate today was to keep from fainting or because I was bored. Even yesterday, the only reason I kept opening the fridge was because I was bored. How stupid, huh. So, eating dinner today, I realized that I honestly wasn't hungry. In fact, I have gotten tired of eating. I was thinking, "Man, do I HAVE to eat? This has gotten so monotonous...Isn't there anything else I can do...?"
So I think I'm gonna stop binging every hour of the day. Once I bring down my intake, I believe I will have more energy and motivation to work out. Honestly, I've only worked out once in the past month...I used to exercise at least 3 times/week when I barely ate. And I was pretty sexy, all toned. Now, I'm just normally ugly. It's stupid and annoying and I can't wear anything sexy...

Today was my last day of high school ever. I mean, I'll go back for my 3 exams, but today was the actual last day. Me and two girls did the senior "prank." Everyone thought it would flop or be lame, so no one helped. But we did it anyway. We hung a "Penitentiary" sign over the school sign and put "NO WORK" caution tape across the entrance pillars. We bought rolls of streamers, weren't sure what to do with them, so we just weaved them through the lockers and across the hallway to create a maze that you had to go under or over. It fell apart pretty fast as soon as kids started coming out of class, but anyway. We released balloons around the school. We filled up 200 water balloons and when the whole school was outside for the end-of-year barbeque, we got the grade 12s together and we started throwing the water balloons randomly everywhere. A lot of kids (including myself) got soaked and when the balloons ran out, kids started going at each other with water bottles. It was SO MUCH fun. The grade 12s agreed it was fun, not lame. It was pretty cool to be partly responsible for this. Last period, we hung a pinata from the ceiling in the common area and went at it. In my tiny private school, I'm one of the quietest kids, the kind who never goes to socials, and doesn't talk to anyone. But not today. And because of all this "prank planning" I barely ate!

I'm not gonna lie, I thought I'd leave this school with no emotions, no fun. But I had fun today, I was noticed today, I was told I am going to be missed. I had emotions and I had fun today. And I am going to lose the shit-load of weight I've gained since March.
Amen.

Searching

I bought the book Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher yesterday, and I am 40 pages through it. I am thoroughly interested in it. It made me think about myself and my situation and my life with an eating disorder. I am trying to look back and think about underlying causes, things that had built up, how all this started.

So, this morning, I opened my April 26, 2008-November 17,2009 journal. Flipped through it. Read excerpts, pages, days. I remember the first time I stuck my finger down my throat and induced vomiting, but I never wrote it down (that record is on my xanga site); it was July 8, 2008. It just killed me inside when I read that in November 2008 I was 95 lb. Back in those days, I purged almost everything.
It has occurred to me that the reason that I am going completely crazy these days, crying randomly and fighting the urge to scream out loud and such, is because there is so much on my mind. School, chemistry, final exams, friends, weight, food, university...I barely have time to think about myself. Not thinking about myself is what is causing my insanity. How can I manage myself if I don't even make time to think about myself.

Wow, I'm messed up. More on this subject later. One more week of school left...

My Wish

I wish I could be pretty.
And delicate.
I want thinner arms. Frail arms.
I want to look fragile. Not thick.
I do not want to feel my thighs thundering around as I walk.
I want to be able to walk swiftly, gracefully.
I want bones. I want to be clean, pure. Not fat-filled.
I want to be able to walk around knowing that I am truly beautiful and lovely.
I want to feel beautiful and lovely. Confident.
I want to look good in everything.
That is my wish. My want, my desire. My lust.

I want to say hello to my followers. I heart all of you lovely petals. Sometimes, we just need to know that somebody knows and understands, and gets it.

To be or not to be (normal, that is).

I want to lose 5 pounds in 2 weeks. I'm running and eating healthy. I NEED to do this. I NEED to lose AT LEAST 5 lb. I want to be thin. I want to be envied. I wan to stand out. I want to be perfect. I want to be stared at wherever I go. I want the body of a model. I want my six pack back. I want to be beautiful.

I went for a check up with my doctor on Tuesday. She weighed me. She was happy to know that I weighed-in at 112 pounds. What the... That's probably because right before the appointment I had eaten lunch and drank a bottle of water. At least, I hope that's why I weighed-in so high. There's no way I'm 112...Anyway, the doctor told me that 112 is where I was 2 years ago, before my ED. A year and a half ago, I was 95 lb...I want to be back there...None of this average girl bullshit. I don't want to be normal.

I got Hydroxycut Max Advanced for Women. I started it yesterday. So far so good. Let's see where this goes.

New Take?

Okay, the new plan is to cut out ALL fat from my intake. Like, fat just grosses me out. I really am sick of seeing it on my body and thinking about it makes my stomach churn. Ew, fat. I want to be leaner, so decreasing my fat intake should to the trick. I mean usually, my intake consists of over 25 grams of fat! That's disgusting, especially since my protein intake is around only around 40 grams...

So tomorrow:
-minimal/no fat
-workout for an hour
-aim for 600 calories.

And I'm thinking about getting Hydroxycut, to jump-start my weight-loss. Have any of you angels tried it? Tell me about it, if you have experience with it.
No fat. No fat. No more refined carbs. No refined sugar. No fat! No more self-destruction!

Fail

Yesterday was a complete fail for me. I couldn't resist an enormous slice of pizza for lunch, pastries from Starbucks, chocolate bars, ice cream, and 3 slices of pizza AGAIN for dinner! Stupid amusement parks. Yesterday, my intake was over 2000 calories. Holy shit. I freak out over 1000 calories as it is...

Sometimes I like to imagine myself being perfectly happy. I have friends who don't judge me, I eat whenever I feel like it, and my parents don't nag me. I am thin. My thighs don't touch and I don't have love handles and I am perfectly happy. It's nice to imagine this. It really is...

How lovely is Iekeliene Stange? She's one of my favourite models. I dream, fantasize about being that thin. I dream about how happy I'd be if my parents stopped nagging me, if I could eat whenever I feel like it, if I could be completely independent and have complete control over my life...

One of the reasons I love having a car is that it gives me a new kind of independence. I love being home alone. I like being alone in general. When I argued against my parents throwing me a huge graduation party, they asked me what I'd rather do. I said "I'd LOVE just to be alone somewhere", preferably by the lake. I would like to be alone to take in [my] life. They stared at me, like that was the stupidest thing they'd ever heard. They gave me that look like, are you serious, you want to be alone?.

My life is my choice. That's the way it should be. I still have to decide if I want to go to the university that's a 20 minute drive from my house or U of Toronto downtown. Making this decision is driving me up the wall. It's hard dealing with annoying parents, school, losing weight, AND deciding on universities all at once.

Planning Loveliness + Recipe by me

Yesterday, I managed to get away with making a low-calorie-low-fat pancake for me on the side of my mom's fatty buttermilk pancakes. I was so happy. The whole day was gonna be fine, until me and my sister were leaving our tutoring place, and I really had to pee. So we went into Tim Horton's (coffee shop), and I told her to get whatever she wanted. I told her to get me ONE applefritter timbit (donut hole). I figure it's only 50 cals, 1 g of fat, no biggie. I come out of the washroom, and my sister's all like, "They didn't have any timbits, so I got you an applefritter donut. You'll eat it right?" In my head I was like, "Uh, NO, you idiot." If I only wanted ONE timbit, why the hell would I want a whole stupid donut, which is 300 cals and 11 g of fat. Ugh, I was so upset, because when I though I thought I would only take one bite of that donut, it ended up being so good that I ate the whole stupid thing, which depressed the crap outta me and so I went home and binged on Toblerone chocolate, bread, and Nutella.

Anyway, but today was a better day. Intake of 500 cals. I've been planning my intake, and following my schedule of working out. I worked out a lot today, and now my arms, abs, and quads are sore. Good! When I weighed-in this morning, I was 106 lb...Christ...I hope that's because I had to go to the bathroom (to get rid of...you know). So, with diligence I can be 103 by Friday. It honestly makes me mad the way I keep setting a goal day for 103 lb, and it NEVER happens. Well, you know what, it's GONNA happen this Friday. Girls, I promise, I'll be 103 this Friday. You can hold me accountable.

So here's my original recipe for the low cal pancake:
Mix together
2 Tbs Whole Wheat flour,
1/2 tsp Baking Powder,
1/3-1/2 tsp Cinnamon (however much you like).
Stir in
3 Tbs low-fat milk (I used 1%).
Cook on griddle/pan, flipping once. I used exact measurements, and when I poured the batter onto the pan, of course not all of the batter came out. So depending on the kind of ingredients you use, it should have less than 90 calories. Mine had 85, with virtually zero fat.

Today, I had more chocolate than I should have had (apx 100 cals), but tomorrow, there will be none. Also I need to decrease the amount of fat I intake. That means, no snacking on almond butter after-school! I'm going to start running next Monday. AND OMG, this summer I am going to be in a beginners adult ballet class! I'm so excited. Ballet is something I've wanted to do since I was a small girl, but my parents never put in in it, depite my asking. Instead they put me in stuff that I wasn't really interested in... ANYWAY, I'm so excited to do ballet and be graceful and toned and lovely.
I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to lose weight and be skinny. I'm excited to see where life after high school will take me. I'm excited for my life. I will be better. Tomorrow will be better, I'll make sure of it. Tomorrow's limit: 500 cals.

104.7

Okay, so I've decided that fasting isn't really for me. For two days, it really slowed my metabolism down. I felt it and saw it on the scale. Usually I would have dropped a at least ONE pound in two days, but with this fast I only dropped .5 of a pound. How stupid. So I'm just gonna focus on cutting calories. And exercising like crazy.

By Monday the goal is to be 103 lb. Since my parents are going to a wedding tomorrow night I can skip dinner and work out instead. I binged today: 5 timbits=250 calories. GROSS. So I've gotta be good tomorrow and Sunday if I want to be 103 on Monday. The problem is that Sunday is MOTHER'S DAY, and my mom wants me to make her buttermilk pancakes! OMG I make those from scratch, and BOY, let me tell you, they're restaurant style and there is SO MUCH fat in those! Butter and oil and buttermilk and refined carbs...Oh, I feel fat just thinking about it! What do I do? How do I get out of eating those? AND we're going to go to my grandparents' for dinner. Friggin' hell. I'm going to have to work out A LOT this weekend.

I'm going to start running next week. My mom and dad bought me expensive running shoes so I can start. Actually, I need to get proper pants first...Like those tight capri pants you see runners wear. Also, I'm going to start looking into fitness classes. I want to start now or in the summer. I want to try pilates, I'll look into ballet, or spinning, or kickboxing...I need to do something! Maybe I'll get back into swimming.

Oh, and I really hate my parents. They freaked out of their goddam mind on Wednesday because I refused to eat the hamburger they grilled for dinner. They freaked right out. They are SO ANNOYING! They watch EVERYTHING I eat. Everytime I grab something from the kitchen my stupid mother wants to know what I'm eating. Like, fuck off, I hate telling people what I'm eating especially if it's junk. I mean why does she always want to know what I'm eating. Why does she constantly watch me and my plate when I eat!? I hate her! I hate my parents! They NEED to leave me alone. They threatened to send me back to the ED clinic. So I ate only the beef of the burger. Oh, they are SO gonna get shit from me when I turn 18 on the 24. Then they can't make me go to any stupid clinic or make me eat when I'm 18.

Anyway, that's just a part of what's going on in my head right now...I've got so much to handle...
I will my thighs were that toned...

Fasting

Okay, yes!, so I'm 105 lb today. By Friday, could I possibly be 103.5? Possibly. I'm trying a fast for the first time in my life. Today's the first day. I'm gonna try and fast until Saturday. AT LEAST. This is hard; I started getting a headache around 2:00 pm so I had a couple of bites of WWbread and an Advil. Now I'm going to work out to burn the calories off.

I really hope I can get through this! If I can get to 103 by Friday, by Monday I can hope to be at 102. (Weekends really throw me off because I'm around my family a lot...) I'm gonna avoid dinner with my stupid family tonight by going to the library to study. I'm make something up, like I ate. My mom's always fucking hassling me about eating. I swear to God, if I end up having to eat with them tonight, I'll be furious.

Today I'm gonna do 10 minutes on the Stairmaster, then 15 minutes of abs, then 15 minutes of weight training with leg exercises between sets.
That's an amazing torso, with a pretty amazing body. All the fat is in her breasts. Lucky her. All my fat goes to my hips...

Weighed-in this morning at 107 lb. Yuck. By Friday, I'm hoping to be 105. AND I CANNOT SLIP UP OVER THE WEEKEND. I'm so sick of food, I swear to God.

And I HATE family dinners. I was gonna skip dinner today, and my stupid dad came home from work early so my stupid mom wanted to eat dinner as a family. I hate eating with my family because they're so critical of my when I eat. They always think I'm not eating, and blah blah. I hate them. I mean, truthfully, my day was so so perfect, until I had to sit and eat with them. They're such an annoyance in my life. Like food. Anyway, so I just pushed a lot of food around my plate...

Today's intake was 545 cals. No more for the day. I also did intervals on the Stairmaster for 25 minutes! Tralalala, I'm going to be skinny, I'm going to be skinny...I will!

I think I hate eating in front of other people in general. It makes me so uncomfortable.

So I have to do a TON of research on Emma and Anne of Green Gables, study for an advanced functions test, catch up on chemistry, and practice piano. Trust me it's a lot. Especially along with trying to lose 10 pounds in 21 days.
Think thin!

The Plan to Fail No More

The plan is to fail no more. That's the plan. I cannot keep telling myself that I can start over tomorrow. I have to lose AT LEAST 10 pounds by my birthday on May 24. I have never been a screw-up. I have never been known to be a failure. I'm ALWAYS the winner. I am scared that I am losing it.

I WILL NOT lose it. I am a winner. I am a go-getter. I am going to DO THIS because I NEED to show myself that I am capable of accomplishing something. That I am capable of doing something for myself. Lately, I've been feeling out of control, putting off studying, exercising, school, piano...I've been procrastinating. I'm slipping. I feel that if I can shape up, get into shape, and lose these pounds then I will be able to do anything. I will have the motivation to do better in school and such.

I will starve from now on. I'll eat bare minimum. I will have to DEAL with the hunger because I NEED to do this. I will prove myself to myself. This is for ME and no one else. I need bony arms, protruding hip bones, a rib cage that juts out, slender thighs, concave tummy, narrow hips...

I need this.

I've gained so much this week...I'm dreading weigh-in tomorrow morning...

That's it

I've had enough of binging.
I mean, I've had enough!
I was so good last week. Between the 19th and the 23rd I lost almost 2 pounds. I gained three pounds over the weekend.
I don't know why I "yo-yo" like this.

I want to be thin and frail and...perfect so bad!
I want my arms to look like sticks, like the way they did when I was bulimic last year.
Since losing my gag reflex, I've gained a lot...
But I can get over this! I can become skinny!

There are 25 days until my birthday. I want to lose 10 pounds by then. 10 pounds.
I need to stop binging. Stop eating junk. I need to get it into my head!
I'm getting so fat with all this binging! I don't want to be 106 pounds! I want to be in the 90s! I want to be thin...that's all. I feel so worthless. Like nothing is more important than being thin. I think, I will starve myself tomorrow. Only fruits and vegetables, if I'm really hungry.

Remember what you want, darling. Remember what is more important. Being thin will feel way better than that chocolate will ever taste.

Boney arms and protruding hip bones <3

Progress Report

On Monday, I weighed in at 105.2 lb. On Wednesday, I was 104.2.
Today I weighed in at 103.8 lb.

That's great!
I managed to keep my intake below 500 cals all week, and I exercised almost every day.
That is how to see results.
I was good. I didn't cave into junk food. I resisted eating. I remembered what I said I woud do, I remembered what I really wanted in life.

But, alas, I had Nutella and pizza today. More than 500 calories...
That means, today was a cheat day. I really wanted Sunday to be a cheat day so I could make and eat a whole stack of pancakes with loads of maple syrup, but I guess I can't do that anymore...Oh well, live and learn...

This coming Monday is the day I should reach my goal of 103 lb. I can do it.
I am a fighter. I am strong. I have what it takes.
Think thin.

Think Thin

Yes, I'm down to 105 lb!
So my goal for next Monday is to be 103. I can totally do it.
I just finished day 3 of ABC, let's see how far I get this time.

I'm tired of binging and doing bad stuff to my body.
I don't want to make my blood sugar levels go crazy.
I'm tired of that stuff.

I've started a written weight-loss journal. Writing down everything, what I'm allowed etc.
No more binging. I decided that. I'll allow one cheat meal each week, but that's it. It HAS to be every 6 days, however.
Less than 500 calories each day, fat intake must be below 10 grams.

I want to be thin so much more than I want that chocolate or that almond butter. That's right.

sick

I'm sick of failing.
I'm sick of eating chocolate late at night.
I will never OPEN a package of chocolate again.
Remember me writing about my mom buying 4 packages of chocolate chips? Well, in 4 days, I finished two of those packages.
I will NOT open the last two.

I'm sick of failing. I did so well, today...
I came home at 9:30 after my piano lesson, and went straight to the kitchen for no reason. I should have just gone straight to my room.

I hate this. I just want to lose these 6 pounds and become 100 lb again, the way I was in February...

I'm sick of saying, "I should have I should have...!" blah blah blah.
My words mean nothing. I never thought I would be the "all talk, no action" type.

I want to make a difference in my life. I want to.
I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE.
This is MY life.
Only I have the ability to change my life, my ways. It's all up to me. Only me. I'm on my own with this.

Two pounds down.

Ahh, messed up day 4 of ABC yesterday. Instead of 400 cals, I had a little over 600. Stupid. It was dumb...

So I'll start again tomorrow. Except this time I won't be as lenient. No more than 50 calories over the daily budget.
Tomorrow budget is 500 calories.
I really like the ABC diet. I really noticed the difference in a few days! I am grateful for my fast metabolism.

Anyway, I weighed myself yesterday (I couldn't resist!) and I was 105.5 lb. That's two pounds down from last Sunday. Yay! I'll weigh in, again, tomorrow morning because Sunday is always a weigh-in day.

To-do:
-french ISU paragraph-brouillon
-english ISU points
-FINISH CHEMISTRY NOTES