Just A Tip

I am extremely exhausted. It's not from exercising too much or eating too little. It's because of my lack of sleep. I go to bed at 12 30 AM and wake up at 6 45 AM. I am the kind of person that NEEDS at least 9 hours of sleep. Here's the thing: I lose the most amount of weight when I get those 9 hours of sleep per night. When I get enough sleep, I can focus more and I crave less. Actually, I don't crave at all and I am 100% focused! More sleep=no craving=not eating=weight loss. Simple math in the form of skinny. So, yes, I am extremely tired right now. I can't focus on anything, and I mistook my lack of concentration for hunger due to lack of calories, so I ate an extra slice of ww bread with jam and fucking almond butter.

Anyway, now that I know my problem I am going to stop spending hours raiding the Internet and start getting my work done so I can be in bed by 11 PM. Seriously. I'm drained. It's not healthy. But who am I to talk, I live off less than 500 calories a day...Haha. I'm winning...! My body is really sore, but I went to the gym again today; only did high-intensity interval training: 20 minutes on the elliptical and 20 minutes on the treadmill. I'm starting to look like hot shit at the gym...Adding to my October pledge: October is going to be perfect and by the end of the month I'll be so much thinner that no one will recognize me.

(Non)sense

I say, I can DO this. I can lose so much weight, if I want to. I am strong. I have the potential to be all bones. I can change myself. I want to be skinny, lovely, fat-free. I want to be stared at. I want to show that I am in control over myself. That I have complete power over myself and my emotions and human temptation.
I got to thinking last night. I wondered a great many things. One being, if this was all some sort of cry for attention. I have never thought about this. I hate attention. I hate it with a passion. I really wish people would leave me alone. But then, why the desire to be stared at? Why am I trying so hard to become so skinny that people ask, admire, stare, and possibly worry? It doesn't make any sense. But it's the only kind of sense I know: nonsense. My obsession with weight, weight-loss, calories, fat, being skinny, and beauty has distorted my way of thinking. My image of beauty is distorted. Am I crazy or is everyone else just naive? Haha, that was funny. I'm really a complete psycho.
I went for a swim today. Now I am kinda sore. And, despite my goggles, my eyes are burning a bit. But, maybe that's due to my contacts that need to be replaced...I felt so good after the swim. My abdominal muscles were showing and I could feel them so strong. I felt good about myself! So, today has been good. Except that I ate some chocolate and mascarpone cream/icing stuff. It wasn't a lot, but it's fat. Fat is fat. Fat is also ugly. Fat in my system makes me feel fat. Thus, it also makes me feel ugly. Whatever. Dreading weigh-in tomorrow. I shall make a weekly goal from there.

Why?

Why can't I just stop eating? Why did I have to slip up and not care about my eating for the past 3 months? I was I so stupid? I do not have answers to those questions.
But, dammit, I am so fucking motivated to lose 20 pounds and get back down to 95, shed this excess skin.

Honestly, it is so gross to look at my hips. I have a really skinny upper body compared to my lower body, especially my hips. Like, I swear to God, my hips are ENORMOUS. It wasn't always this bad, I just HAD to gain 12 pounds in 3 months...Idiot that I am...
Tomorrow, I have my first exam. One out of three. I am going to start the 2-4-6 diet. I know of a major success story out of that diet. I no longer give a shit about my parents and how they feel about me eating. This is NOT about them. It is NOT. It is about ME. Me me ME! I am number ONE. Being skinny is number ONE. I long to feel light, bony, and in control. It sounds so good...I feel like nothing is in my control these days.

It's like my parents think they know everything, they want to keep me in this box for as long as possible. They don't know everything! Last night, we went out for Italian and my dad started arguing with me about how when I turned 18 I probably thought that I knew everything. Like, what the FUCK!? He was all like, "You, probably, like most teenagers, thought you were so much smarter and that now you know everything, on the day you turned 18." I was like, "Uh, no, why would you think that, who thinks like that anyway?" He just kept pressing on about how I probably thought I was so much smarter now that I am 18. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. My dad always assumes shit like this. He always starts shit. He is the biggest dumb fucking asshole in the universe. And he smells.

That's one reason why I hate eating, especially around other people. Like if I'm binging, I'll hear my dad come home and IMMEDIATELY, I will hide the evidence and leave the kitchen because I hate eating around him. I mean eating around people, ESPECIALLY my dad, makes me so uncomfortable. This is most likely because ALL of our family arguments happen at family dinners. That explains it.
So tomorrow's limit, 200 calories. Can I do it?

Uhhh, Obviously

Okay, soooooo...I just want to be skinnyyyy. Skinny like a model.
I have to stop eating. Like, stat. I CAN stop. I tell myself this all the time. But sometime or the other, I end up thinking something stupid like, Day-um I really want come chocolate and cookies, who cares about getting fat, they're sooo good. So I'll go ahead and eat them..And I won't care about it, until I look in the mirror and see how fat I've gotten.

Whhhaaatt a looooser.

What I really want to do, as soon as my exams are done, is go to the zoo and spend a lot of fucking time in the underwater animals section.
And get skinny stick thin. And I'll have SO MUCH time to work out like crazy. No one can tell me that I have to eat.

Thinspo!

I need more self control.
Pretty girl, when will you realize that if you don't turn the page it will eventually turn on you.

A sad sad morning

I have not woken up this sad in a long time. I mean, I can see that I've lost weight. I looked in the mirror this morning and was a bit happy with how much thinner I look. But still, I was sad. I feel like a failure.
I have to memorize a 5 minute French speech for Tuesday. I have to START my final exam English presentation and essay. I have to catch up on a month of chemistry. I swear, I might get away with barely an 80% in chemistry if I don't get it together now. I'm slacking off in everything.

I don't think I'll be having any fun or any happiness until the end of this school year. I'm too stressed and sad all the time. I don't even workout as much as I used to. My body is so sore right now. I'm not sure if it's because I didn't stretch after my swim on Friday or because I'm on my period. In any case, my chest, shoulders, and back are SO SO sore! I can't sleep because of this and so I'm tired and all I want to do is sleep, but how can I sleep with all this school work to worry about and do!?

Christ, I cannot wait until all this is over. I cannot wait for summer vacation.

New Take?

Okay, the new plan is to cut out ALL fat from my intake. Like, fat just grosses me out. I really am sick of seeing it on my body and thinking about it makes my stomach churn. Ew, fat. I want to be leaner, so decreasing my fat intake should to the trick. I mean usually, my intake consists of over 25 grams of fat! That's disgusting, especially since my protein intake is around only around 40 grams...

So tomorrow:
-minimal/no fat
-workout for an hour
-aim for 600 calories.

And I'm thinking about getting Hydroxycut, to jump-start my weight-loss. Have any of you angels tried it? Tell me about it, if you have experience with it.
No fat. No fat. No more refined carbs. No refined sugar. No fat! No more self-destruction!

Fail

Yesterday was a complete fail for me. I couldn't resist an enormous slice of pizza for lunch, pastries from Starbucks, chocolate bars, ice cream, and 3 slices of pizza AGAIN for dinner! Stupid amusement parks. Yesterday, my intake was over 2000 calories. Holy shit. I freak out over 1000 calories as it is...

Sometimes I like to imagine myself being perfectly happy. I have friends who don't judge me, I eat whenever I feel like it, and my parents don't nag me. I am thin. My thighs don't touch and I don't have love handles and I am perfectly happy. It's nice to imagine this. It really is...

How lovely is Iekeliene Stange? She's one of my favourite models. I dream, fantasize about being that thin. I dream about how happy I'd be if my parents stopped nagging me, if I could eat whenever I feel like it, if I could be completely independent and have complete control over my life...

One of the reasons I love having a car is that it gives me a new kind of independence. I love being home alone. I like being alone in general. When I argued against my parents throwing me a huge graduation party, they asked me what I'd rather do. I said "I'd LOVE just to be alone somewhere", preferably by the lake. I would like to be alone to take in [my] life. They stared at me, like that was the stupidest thing they'd ever heard. They gave me that look like, are you serious, you want to be alone?.

My life is my choice. That's the way it should be. I still have to decide if I want to go to the university that's a 20 minute drive from my house or U of Toronto downtown. Making this decision is driving me up the wall. It's hard dealing with annoying parents, school, losing weight, AND deciding on universities all at once.

104.7

Okay, so I've decided that fasting isn't really for me. For two days, it really slowed my metabolism down. I felt it and saw it on the scale. Usually I would have dropped a at least ONE pound in two days, but with this fast I only dropped .5 of a pound. How stupid. So I'm just gonna focus on cutting calories. And exercising like crazy.

By Monday the goal is to be 103 lb. Since my parents are going to a wedding tomorrow night I can skip dinner and work out instead. I binged today: 5 timbits=250 calories. GROSS. So I've gotta be good tomorrow and Sunday if I want to be 103 on Monday. The problem is that Sunday is MOTHER'S DAY, and my mom wants me to make her buttermilk pancakes! OMG I make those from scratch, and BOY, let me tell you, they're restaurant style and there is SO MUCH fat in those! Butter and oil and buttermilk and refined carbs...Oh, I feel fat just thinking about it! What do I do? How do I get out of eating those? AND we're going to go to my grandparents' for dinner. Friggin' hell. I'm going to have to work out A LOT this weekend.

I'm going to start running next week. My mom and dad bought me expensive running shoes so I can start. Actually, I need to get proper pants first...Like those tight capri pants you see runners wear. Also, I'm going to start looking into fitness classes. I want to start now or in the summer. I want to try pilates, I'll look into ballet, or spinning, or kickboxing...I need to do something! Maybe I'll get back into swimming.

Oh, and I really hate my parents. They freaked out of their goddam mind on Wednesday because I refused to eat the hamburger they grilled for dinner. They freaked right out. They are SO ANNOYING! They watch EVERYTHING I eat. Everytime I grab something from the kitchen my stupid mother wants to know what I'm eating. Like, fuck off, I hate telling people what I'm eating especially if it's junk. I mean why does she always want to know what I'm eating. Why does she constantly watch me and my plate when I eat!? I hate her! I hate my parents! They NEED to leave me alone. They threatened to send me back to the ED clinic. So I ate only the beef of the burger. Oh, they are SO gonna get shit from me when I turn 18 on the 24. Then they can't make me go to any stupid clinic or make me eat when I'm 18.

Anyway, that's just a part of what's going on in my head right now...I've got so much to handle...
I will my thighs were that toned...

Weighed-in this morning at 107 lb. Yuck. By Friday, I'm hoping to be 105. AND I CANNOT SLIP UP OVER THE WEEKEND. I'm so sick of food, I swear to God.

And I HATE family dinners. I was gonna skip dinner today, and my stupid dad came home from work early so my stupid mom wanted to eat dinner as a family. I hate eating with my family because they're so critical of my when I eat. They always think I'm not eating, and blah blah. I hate them. I mean, truthfully, my day was so so perfect, until I had to sit and eat with them. They're such an annoyance in my life. Like food. Anyway, so I just pushed a lot of food around my plate...

Today's intake was 545 cals. No more for the day. I also did intervals on the Stairmaster for 25 minutes! Tralalala, I'm going to be skinny, I'm going to be skinny...I will!

I think I hate eating in front of other people in general. It makes me so uncomfortable.

So I have to do a TON of research on Emma and Anne of Green Gables, study for an advanced functions test, catch up on chemistry, and practice piano. Trust me it's a lot. Especially along with trying to lose 10 pounds in 21 days.
Think thin!

That's it

I've had enough of binging.
I mean, I've had enough!
I was so good last week. Between the 19th and the 23rd I lost almost 2 pounds. I gained three pounds over the weekend.
I don't know why I "yo-yo" like this.

I want to be thin and frail and...perfect so bad!
I want my arms to look like sticks, like the way they did when I was bulimic last year.
Since losing my gag reflex, I've gained a lot...
But I can get over this! I can become skinny!

There are 25 days until my birthday. I want to lose 10 pounds by then. 10 pounds.
I need to stop binging. Stop eating junk. I need to get it into my head!
I'm getting so fat with all this binging! I don't want to be 106 pounds! I want to be in the 90s! I want to be thin...that's all. I feel so worthless. Like nothing is more important than being thin. I think, I will starve myself tomorrow. Only fruits and vegetables, if I'm really hungry.

Remember what you want, darling. Remember what is more important. Being thin will feel way better than that chocolate will ever taste.

Boney arms and protruding hip bones <3

Progress Report

On Monday, I weighed in at 105.2 lb. On Wednesday, I was 104.2.
Today I weighed in at 103.8 lb.

That's great!
I managed to keep my intake below 500 cals all week, and I exercised almost every day.
That is how to see results.
I was good. I didn't cave into junk food. I resisted eating. I remembered what I said I woud do, I remembered what I really wanted in life.

But, alas, I had Nutella and pizza today. More than 500 calories...
That means, today was a cheat day. I really wanted Sunday to be a cheat day so I could make and eat a whole stack of pancakes with loads of maple syrup, but I guess I can't do that anymore...Oh well, live and learn...

This coming Monday is the day I should reach my goal of 103 lb. I can do it.
I am a fighter. I am strong. I have what it takes.
Think thin.

Think Thin

Yes, I'm down to 105 lb!
So my goal for next Monday is to be 103. I can totally do it.
I just finished day 3 of ABC, let's see how far I get this time.

I'm tired of binging and doing bad stuff to my body.
I don't want to make my blood sugar levels go crazy.
I'm tired of that stuff.

I've started a written weight-loss journal. Writing down everything, what I'm allowed etc.
No more binging. I decided that. I'll allow one cheat meal each week, but that's it. It HAS to be every 6 days, however.
Less than 500 calories each day, fat intake must be below 10 grams.

I want to be thin so much more than I want that chocolate or that almond butter. That's right.

sick

I'm sick of failing.
I'm sick of eating chocolate late at night.
I will never OPEN a package of chocolate again.
Remember me writing about my mom buying 4 packages of chocolate chips? Well, in 4 days, I finished two of those packages.
I will NOT open the last two.

I'm sick of failing. I did so well, today...
I came home at 9:30 after my piano lesson, and went straight to the kitchen for no reason. I should have just gone straight to my room.

I hate this. I just want to lose these 6 pounds and become 100 lb again, the way I was in February...

I'm sick of saying, "I should have I should have...!" blah blah blah.
My words mean nothing. I never thought I would be the "all talk, no action" type.

I want to make a difference in my life. I want to.
I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE.
This is MY life.
Only I have the ability to change my life, my ways. It's all up to me. Only me. I'm on my own with this.

Two pounds down.

Ahh, messed up day 4 of ABC yesterday. Instead of 400 cals, I had a little over 600. Stupid. It was dumb...

So I'll start again tomorrow. Except this time I won't be as lenient. No more than 50 calories over the daily budget.
Tomorrow budget is 500 calories.
I really like the ABC diet. I really noticed the difference in a few days! I am grateful for my fast metabolism.

Anyway, I weighed myself yesterday (I couldn't resist!) and I was 105.5 lb. That's two pounds down from last Sunday. Yay! I'll weigh in, again, tomorrow morning because Sunday is always a weigh-in day.

To-do:
-french ISU paragraph-brouillon
-english ISU points
-FINISH CHEMISTRY NOTES

Day 3

I've finished day 3 of the ABC diet.
I've gone 50 calories over it sometimes, but I'm getting it for the most part.

Today's intake was 350 cals.
I wonder what I'll be when I weigh in on Sunday...

To do tomorrow when I come home from school at 11:
-work out: 25 min intervals on stairmaster + 20 min strength training
-have protein shake
-make les macarons
-do chem notes
-plot out points for ISU

Every time I sit down to eat, I think 'why am I doing this?' It's not like I want to eat. I just don't want my stomach to growl loudly later on AND I don't want my metabolism to slow down AND I don't want to get that binging feeling. Mais, en tout cas, every time I sit down to eat, I don't want to. I make myself though.

Hopefully, I'm 103-104 lb by Sunday.
Tomorrow's limit will be around 400 calories, WITHOUT exercise outtake.

New Start

So, after last week's disaster, I am starting fresh.
I was good yesterday, and today so far.
I've decided to start the ABC diet today. I won't be too strict with it. Like, a few calories over is fine.
Today's intake will be less than 500 cals.

I have my goal constantly in mind. Constantly. It helps.
I think about what I want, how bad I want to be thinner, how lovely I'll look when I'm 93 pounds...

My mom did grocery shopping yesterday and, BOY, she came back with flours, chocolate, chocolate chips, and loads of butter...HOPING for me to bake something. She wants me to bake something, like cookies or white chocolate brownies. She loves that stuff (or maybe she knows I'll eat it and thus gain weight). She even mentioned again today that she'd just LOVE some chocolate chip cookies baked by me.
Blah blah blah, I said I would try when I find the time, for now I've got school work.

I really don't want to bake, because I know that I'll end up having some of whatever i bake! It's bad. The sad part is that there's 4 packages of chocolate chips, 12 ounces of white chocolate, and two new bags of flour in the cupboard. This situation plus my mom makes me feel so guilty about not baking.
BUT:
This is not about my mom. This is not about baking. This is not about the feelings of others.
This is about ME. This is about what I want. This is about what I can control.
I need only think about myself, if I want to reach my goals.

Hmm, I feel hunger coming on...that's my cue to eat something. Something SMALL.

Thou shall be thin

I am at my highest weight in a long time. I'm probably at LEAST 110 pounds.

That is so fucking disgusting. I feel like beating myself up.

My arms used to have tone and definition. Now they are flabbly and not defined.

And my prized six pack...

All the muscle that I worked so hard for is burried under a thick layer of fat.

I am perfectly capable of losing the weight fast. I will do it.

Starting today, I am on a diet.

No junk food.

The food can wait.

I can't have it now. Maybe one day, but not until I reach my goal.

Goal Weight: 93 pounds.

Work out WHENEVER POSSIBLE.

EAT MINIMALLY.

NO JUNK FOOD WHATSOEVER.

Thou shall be skinny.
Thou shall not be fat.

bad habit

Yesterday night AND tonight, I had mini binges.
Lots of bread with nutella and chocolate, causing me to mess up ABC diet.
Actually, causing me to mess up in general.

Eating at night is THE worst...
I never thought I was the type...

UGH, I MAKE MYSELF SO MAAADDD!!!

ABC?

I really need to get these pounds off.
I gained 6 pounds in a month...
I'm at 106 lb.

So I'm trying to limit myself to 500 of less cals per day.

However, I KNOW that I am completely capable of losing 6 pounds in under 2 weeks.
I have high metabolism, so I SHOULD be about 100 pounds in about two weeks.
Let's see how this goes...

I've always been scared to try the ABC diet. But I'm thinking it would be the best thing for me if I want to be 93 lb by June 21.
Dammit, I'm so scared.
I'm scared I'll lose control.
I'm scared of being ugly.
I'm scared of becoming fat.
I'm scared.

Intake so far:
B: Strawberries, Plain Yogurt, Muesli, Milk =100
S: Fucking Timbit= 50

L: Apple= 70
S: Dark Chocolate Chips=40, Pineapple=30

D: Chicken, Green Beans=105
S: Blondie=35

Total: 430

Went to Tim Horten's for 3rd period spare with two girlfriends. Felt dumb for just getting a green tea. Therefore, ordered two timbits, as well. Ate one, tossed the other.
Could have avoided the chocolate...Not sure where my head was...

So far: not so bad.

Being home alone means I can fake eating.