A Change in the Weather

I do not binge. I do not over-eat. I do not crave high-fat or high-sugar foods. I have no desire to order a dessert. I do not get hungry. I do not get moody. I am very much in love with life. I am thinner than I was when I restricted. I started out aiming to eat 1000 calories a day, but, at this point, I don't really count. I just focus on being healthy and somehow I eat less than 1000 calories a day, without trying. I am getting back into exercise and I feel great.

It seems to me that I'm in limbo. I still get nervous when my mom asks me what I want for dinner. (But when dinner comes, I always make a healthy choice.) I am learning how to balance. For instance, when I was restricting, if I would have Nutella, I'd end up with a fat bloated tummy. But, now, I can have a tablespoon of Nutella and still have a flat tummy the next day! (Of course, I don't have Nutella everyday anymore. My mind and body are healthy and doesn't need/want it as often.) If anyone has any questions about what I'm doing, just ask, I'm so happy to give advice!

Does anyone think that victory is possible without facing danger?

I was watching Peal Harbor (I HAVE NOT FINISHED IT YET, PLEASE DON'T SPOIL IT!) and I am really really sad. I mean, who would fall in love with me? What sort of boy wants to be with a girl who is afraid of food, who sticks her face in a toilet every once in a while? This is really awful. Every night, I have Nutella. I'm sick of it. I still manage to get away with less than 500 calories a day, but my body is going to store the Nutella. I don't want it to be this way. So I'm through. I am never eating Nutella again. It's not okay. It's not part of the person I want to be. I was thinking the other day that in 10 years, I would be ashamed of the person I am now. I don't want that. I want to be PROUD of myself 10 years from now. I want to be strong and beautiful. I want to be able to look back and see that I was good at something and that I succeeded.

I want to lose 10 lb so I can have the confidence to talk to people, be able to wear cute clothes, attract boys... I want to be dashingly beautiful. I want to make boys look twice. I bet I could be real charming and sweep a boy off his feet, if I could just get the confidence. From now on, I will simply focus on getting to 100 lb. That's all. Nothing else matters because everything else centres around being 100 lb. I hope you are all doing well. xo

Really Quick Update on 246

I'm still doing 246, but I messed up today. Which isn't so bad since I've been okay for 5 days. But there still is a bad part: I overdosed on Nutella. I've been crash dieting for over 2 years, and I know exactly what will make me gain weight over night and what won't. Nutella will make me gain weight exponentially in a matter of hours. So, uh, bye-bye progress. But, hey!, bright side: I pre-planned to go to the gym everyday for the next 5 days, so that exercise, along with regular 246 diet, will bring me back to speed. I don't have much time to blog/comment this week, it's a busy one. Well, this whole month is, since it's the last month of school. Tomorrow is a 200 day. I have made a plan: safe foods, meal times, how to deal with hunger, what's important in [my] life, why I can't mess up, etc. I carry it everywhere. It helps. The right mindset is a crucial thing to have. Without it, you'll never get anywhere. All this is a question of mind over [food doesn't] matter.

bad habit

Yesterday night AND tonight, I had mini binges.
Lots of bread with nutella and chocolate, causing me to mess up ABC diet.
Actually, causing me to mess up in general.

Eating at night is THE worst...
I never thought I was the type...

UGH, I MAKE MYSELF SO MAAADDD!!!