Sappy Stuff and Slump Update

I am consumed by thoughts of her. M. I guess it's harder to move on if I'm such good friends with her. It's so dumb: I wait for her online for hours, even until 2 AM. But she doesn't come on. She has a girlfriend and is probably happy. With her. She's probably with her. At least she's happy. I hope the best for her. She deserves it. The truth is, I'd turn it all around for her. I wish I could tell her. For her, I'll always choose "accept." "Ignore" is only for the rest of them. We had our thing. We dealed. And she chose the other girl. I'll get through this. Her heart was just a mailbox and was wasting too much of my hard earned cash on stamps anyway.

I'm nervous to apply for jobs. I've never done it before and I have no experience to back me up. But I suppose I have to bite my lip and do it. I need to do this. It's necessary for my survival. This house is too depressing. My parents make me very angry. They make me depressed. Being depressed causes me to go into a slump and I never want to leave the room. That makes me fat. I still haven't exercised. It's been over two weeks since I exercised. Gross. My eating has been average. I swear I need to get out of this slump. It's time I did something about it MYSELF. I don't want to slip back into my dangerous ED habits, but I feel like my weight loss is the only thing I can control right now, it's the only thing that is MINE, that could make me HAPPY. So tomorrow, I'll try to be the healthiest I've been in two weeks by getting up early, eating every two hours (mostly fruits/vegetables), and doing a simple 30 minute exercise routine. The exercise won't be intense. Just something to get me back into the swing of things. It'll be exercises like jumping-jacks, push-ups, squats, lunges, and stretches.

My Wish

I wish I could be pretty.
And delicate.
I want thinner arms. Frail arms.
I want to look fragile. Not thick.
I do not want to feel my thighs thundering around as I walk.
I want to be able to walk swiftly, gracefully.
I want bones. I want to be clean, pure. Not fat-filled.
I want to be able to walk around knowing that I am truly beautiful and lovely.
I want to feel beautiful and lovely. Confident.
I want to look good in everything.
That is my wish. My want, my desire. My lust.

I want to say hello to my followers. I heart all of you lovely petals. Sometimes, we just need to know that somebody knows and understands, and gets it.

Think Thin

Yes, I'm down to 105 lb!
So my goal for next Monday is to be 103. I can totally do it.
I just finished day 3 of ABC, let's see how far I get this time.

I'm tired of binging and doing bad stuff to my body.
I don't want to make my blood sugar levels go crazy.
I'm tired of that stuff.

I've started a written weight-loss journal. Writing down everything, what I'm allowed etc.
No more binging. I decided that. I'll allow one cheat meal each week, but that's it. It HAS to be every 6 days, however.
Less than 500 calories each day, fat intake must be below 10 grams.

I want to be thin so much more than I want that chocolate or that almond butter. That's right.

Thou shall be thin

I am at my highest weight in a long time. I'm probably at LEAST 110 pounds.

That is so fucking disgusting. I feel like beating myself up.

My arms used to have tone and definition. Now they are flabbly and not defined.

And my prized six pack...

All the muscle that I worked so hard for is burried under a thick layer of fat.

I am perfectly capable of losing the weight fast. I will do it.

Starting today, I am on a diet.

No junk food.

The food can wait.

I can't have it now. Maybe one day, but not until I reach my goal.

Goal Weight: 93 pounds.

Work out WHENEVER POSSIBLE.

EAT MINIMALLY.

NO JUNK FOOD WHATSOEVER.

Thou shall be skinny.
Thou shall not be fat.

bad habit

Yesterday night AND tonight, I had mini binges.
Lots of bread with nutella and chocolate, causing me to mess up ABC diet.
Actually, causing me to mess up in general.

Eating at night is THE worst...
I never thought I was the type...

UGH, I MAKE MYSELF SO MAAADDD!!!

ABC?

I really need to get these pounds off.
I gained 6 pounds in a month...
I'm at 106 lb.

So I'm trying to limit myself to 500 of less cals per day.

However, I KNOW that I am completely capable of losing 6 pounds in under 2 weeks.
I have high metabolism, so I SHOULD be about 100 pounds in about two weeks.
Let's see how this goes...

I've always been scared to try the ABC diet. But I'm thinking it would be the best thing for me if I want to be 93 lb by June 21.
Dammit, I'm so scared.
I'm scared I'll lose control.
I'm scared of being ugly.
I'm scared of becoming fat.
I'm scared.

Intake so far:
B: Strawberries, Plain Yogurt, Muesli, Milk =100
S: Fucking Timbit= 50

L: Apple= 70
S: Dark Chocolate Chips=40, Pineapple=30

D: Chicken, Green Beans=105
S: Blondie=35

Total: 430

Went to Tim Horten's for 3rd period spare with two girlfriends. Felt dumb for just getting a green tea. Therefore, ordered two timbits, as well. Ate one, tossed the other.
Could have avoided the chocolate...Not sure where my head was...

So far: not so bad.

Being home alone means I can fake eating.

A challenge

I think it would be a good idea for me to put my intake/outtake on this thing sometimes, just so I can keep track.
Also, it might be a good idea for me to PLAN things out. For example, plan out what I'm going to eat all day, daily routines, etc.

I kinda ate too much today, despite the fact that I told myself not to, despite the fact that I worked out so hard, despite the fact that I WANT to get skinnier...
What a loser I am...

I start school tomorrow after two weeks of spring break.
I also start a new challenge. A challenge to lose weight. I want to be 93 lb by the end of June. That's about 11 pounds to lose. It's completely do-able.

SO:
Starting tomorrow, I restrict my calories. I will exercise at least 3 times each week. I will only allow junk one time per week.

I will be the skinniest I have ever been.
And I will be beautiful.

Mindless

I've been contemplating getting another blog, for my specific "ramblings."

As in, ED, ana, etc...

I just need a place where I can write about this stuff and get feedback.

I really just want to be perfect.
Get into shape. Toned. Beautiful. Skinny.

Ultimate Goal Weight: 93 lb.

I want that Marchesa dress to be my graduation dress. I want that body first.