Internet Addiction

Okay, so my non-carb diet thing isn't gonna work for me, haha, go figure. I think I'll just stick to healthy eating and exercising. It doesn't look like I'll be able to get to 105 lb by Christmas, but I think I can make it to 110 lb by New Year's Eve, IF I work hard. IF IF IF. Here's my problem. I have been a lazy piece of shit for a very long time and I am finding it very hard to not be lazy. I have breakfast, and then I'm back in bed blogging, then I have lunch, then I go back to blogging in bed, and mostly I am on my macbook all day. I need to quit the habit. It is making me extremely unhealthy. I have a plan to get out of this Internet addiction thing. I will go to bed before midnight. I will wake up by 9. After breakfast, I will NOT turn on my macbook. I will get ready for the day. I will be productive. I will exercise. Internet time will be reserved for the evenings and for no more than 2 hours, plus one hour of TV. [The only exception is M. (See what I did there, talk about cheesy.) If she wants to talk to me on Facebook or Skype, my time is unlimited.]

Part 2 of my job hunt is tomorrow. Handing out my resume everywhere. I can't wait to start making my own money. Tomorrow will be a good day. The beginning of a new me. No more being lazy. I'll lose weight, put on muscle, tone up, and look super sexy for January. And I'll only get sexier. After my job hunt tomorrow, I'll go to the gym. It'll be good. I'm excited.

A New Life Awaits

There are bones underneath all this fat. I know they're there. It's just a matter of getting them to come out of hiding. I don't have to become a skeleton. That's not what I want. I just want to be thinner. I want to become all muscle and get rid of this fat that's accumulated on my body. So I have a plan. It has finally hit home how important it is for me to get a job. I need independence. I need control. I need to be an adult. I need to make my life my own. I've finished my resume and gotten some references. Tomorrow I am going out and handing out my resume everywhere. I'd rather work close to campus because when I move out, my place will be close to campus and that way I can keep that same job. I know that I'll be getting a job soon and I already feel more in control of my life! It's incredible. Once I get my job, my parents won't be able to nag me about anything. I won't need to ask them for anything. I'll have an excuse to spend time away from the house. Ahhh, so excited!

The second part of my plan is diet. I've decided to make a complete change in my eating. I'm going to cut out all carbs, like bread, rice, sugar, pasta, potatoes, etc. I'm allowed fruits and veggies and chicken. And I will try to avoid red meat when I can. I don't eat cheese anyway, but I'm cutting that, too. This is gonna be a hard transition, but I'll ease into it. So for breakfast, I'll have a shit-ton of egg whites and a shit-ton of fruit. We'll see how it goes. If I can't take it for a week, I'll make a new plan. But I'm really excited to try this and make it work! I'm gonna be sooooo skinny for the end of the month! 

Sappy Stuff and Slump Update

I am consumed by thoughts of her. M. I guess it's harder to move on if I'm such good friends with her. It's so dumb: I wait for her online for hours, even until 2 AM. But she doesn't come on. She has a girlfriend and is probably happy. With her. She's probably with her. At least she's happy. I hope the best for her. She deserves it. The truth is, I'd turn it all around for her. I wish I could tell her. For her, I'll always choose "accept." "Ignore" is only for the rest of them. We had our thing. We dealed. And she chose the other girl. I'll get through this. Her heart was just a mailbox and was wasting too much of my hard earned cash on stamps anyway.

I'm nervous to apply for jobs. I've never done it before and I have no experience to back me up. But I suppose I have to bite my lip and do it. I need to do this. It's necessary for my survival. This house is too depressing. My parents make me very angry. They make me depressed. Being depressed causes me to go into a slump and I never want to leave the room. That makes me fat. I still haven't exercised. It's been over two weeks since I exercised. Gross. My eating has been average. I swear I need to get out of this slump. It's time I did something about it MYSELF. I don't want to slip back into my dangerous ED habits, but I feel like my weight loss is the only thing I can control right now, it's the only thing that is MINE, that could make me HAPPY. So tomorrow, I'll try to be the healthiest I've been in two weeks by getting up early, eating every two hours (mostly fruits/vegetables), and doing a simple 30 minute exercise routine. The exercise won't be intense. Just something to get me back into the swing of things. It'll be exercises like jumping-jacks, push-ups, squats, lunges, and stretches.

Time To Get Back On Track

Weighed in this morning at 116.2 lb.  Lighter than I thought I'd be.  I want to lose 5 lb.  The problem is that I never allow myself to go to the gym because I haven't done my homework.  This weekend, I plan to catch up on all my homework (or at least MOST of it).  That way, I can go to the gym (without feeling guilty) five days per week, like I did last year.  As well, my sleeping pattern needs to be fixed.  I've been going to bed at 2 AM this whole week, which is making me very tired and moody and lazy.  When I'm tired, I eat a lot of junk and am really unhealthy, and I won't exercise.  So, another goal for this week is to go to bed by 11:30 every night.  In the past, I've found that when I get enough sleep, I don't crave as much food.  

Last night, I texted M and asked if she wanted to hang out on Monday and she took FOREVER to reply, then asked me if I meant this Monday, and then, a lifetime later (this evening), replied, "maybe, what did you have in mind."  In my head, I was like, wow such enthusiasm... Maybe she thinks I'm boring or annoying or something.  I dunno.  I dunno if I did something wrong or... In any case, I'm not gonna reply to that.  This is making me sad, but I won't let it get to me. 

New Plan

I've realized that I've been eating too many carbs and not enough veggies/fruits.  Maybe that's why I'm always so lazy.  I don't know what my weight is, but I'm thinking that I want to lose 5 lb.  I'll weigh in tomorrow morning.  Lately my eating has been really sporadic.  Not good.  So starting today, I'm going to make sure I eat every 2-3 hours without fail.  I also need to make sure that most of what I eat is 100% whole grain.  I've been slacking in that category... The plan in short: whole grains and mostly fruits and veggies.

So I'll be totally healthy today.  I'll go to the gym for an hour Tuesday- Friday.  I'll aim for at least 4 days/week at the gym.  (I only went once last week because I was so busy, haha.)  I really want to tone up my tummy and slim down my thighs.  My arms are okay, they've always been pretty slim and naturally toned (like Karlie's!)..    Okay, so whatever I weigh in at tomorrow, I have to lose 5 lb within two weeks-ish.  I've been flirting a lot with this really cute girl (even straight girls would think she's adorbz) and I'm pretty sure something's gonna happen soon, so I don't wanna be flab for her.  Haha.

It Begins Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I ease my way into independence, into complete control over my life. I can do this. I can make myself my own. I can be thin. I can lose 10 lb in two weeks. I am strong. I have done it before and I will do it again. No more failing. I am making myself new. I will be everything I have ever wanted to be. Tomorrow I will write my biology exam, then go to the gym for an hour, shower and drive to the mall. I will go to Apple and get an estimate on repairing my iTouch. Then I'll pick up some sushi, go to the bookstore and purchase Shape magazine, after which I will sit down eat what I can while reading Shape. Then I'll drive back to UTM, go straight to the library and read Moby Dick until I am ready to fall asleep. Then I'll drive home, skip dinner, and watch Make It or Break It. Then I'll learn how to use my Canon SX10IS until The United States of Tara comes on.

Tomorrow will be The Best Day. It will be the start of something new. My new life. Things are going to be different this time. I want to be happy. In 10 years, I want to be proud of the person I am today, of the amount of will power I displayed, how thin I managed to get. From now on, I will never again lose sight of what's really important to me: being thin and in control.

Breathe

It has come to my attention that my Lifestyle Plan is based on the fact that I don't get sad/stressed/angry. I need to make some adjustments. OH! I have also realized that I haven't been on blogger in a while! I haven't been updating/commenting because I've been so focused on school and losing weight. I've lost 3 lb since Monday, which is good. I binged today, but I saw it coming 100%. I lost my cell phone, got depressed, skipped the gym, got depressed about skipping the gym, left school, got depressed about going home, went to the library, got depressed about seeing happy high school kids, drove home, got depressed about the whole situation that's my life. Here's the adjustment to my plan of action: When I get sad/stressed/angry, do not move, do not go anywhere, do not do anything. Just sit. Think. Breathe. Then turn on the kettle and have some green tea. Put everything aside when these feelings occur. Just drink the tea, and isolate yourself with your thoughts.

So much is going on. I'm in a weird place. I'm figuring things out, but it's gradual. I'm realizing how strong I am, but the strength comes in spurts. I can't explain it. I'll do a real update this weekend. I love everyone who reads and support my blog. xo

Lifestyle Plan

So many of you wanted me to post my new lifestyle plan, so here we go! The editor was messing up the last couple times I tried to post it... Anyway, this plan lays out a beautiful life. It's what I've always strived for. I hope it inspires some of you lovelies! Let's do this. xo

- Eat healthier

- No bread ever for the rest of my life. It's a trigger food.

- Diet should focus on vegetables. Aim to eat a salad as a meal 4 times per week.

- Meat is allowed once a day, but ONLY if I'm with family.

- No fat, whatsoever.

- Eat every 2-3 hours, don't go longer unless exercising.

- breakfast: muesli+nf yogurt+ raspberries = 150 cals

- Snack: rice cake= 40 cals

- Snack/Lunch: apple or salad or veggies= less than 50 cals

- Snack: nf yogurt= 35 cals

- Every time you get the urge to binge/eat junk, don't move, don't get up. Just think about it. You shouldn't give into those urges. Think about it.

- No one gives a shit about you or what you "like" or what you post so don't even bother with Facebook.

- You don't need to check every single thing on your dashboard on tumblr.

- Limit internet leisure to 60 minutes per day.

-In the 60 minutes: check blogger, tumblr, xanga, e-mail, and/or update blog.

- YOU DO NOT NEED TO CHECK YOUR E-MAIL MORE THAN ONCE PER DAY.

- This hour is scheduled for evenings.

- Exercise every single day.

- Pilates class every Wednesday. Ballet class every Tuesday.

- Work out at the gym every Monday, Thursday, and Friday.

- Min. 30 minutes cardio, min. 15 minutes strength training. Weights, calisthenics, stretching.

- End workout with at least 15 minutes of low-impact cardio.

- Once a week, go for a pleasure run. This is optional and/or for stress relieving.

- Work abs no more than 3 times per week (non-consecutive days).

- On "rest" days, do as many push-ups as you can.

- Try to practice ballet everyday. Even if you come home at midnight, try to get in 15 minutes.

- Stretch every single night. Whatever you do, don't skip a day; otherwise you'll end up back at square one.

- Put in at least 24 hours of studying per week.

- Never procrastinate. Prioritize.

- Read a book every month, depending on length of book.

- Go outside more. Take a walk. It's not too cold to take a 15-minute walk to pick up/drop off the mail.

- Get at least 8 hours of sleep.

- You will regret not going to that concert. So do your homework at go to the show!

- In your spare time read books or academic journals, write down your thoughts, take pictures, and/or stretch.

- In your daily life, aspire to be like a Victoria's Secret angel: personality, smile, fashion, beauty, confidence.

- Don't judge anyone. Always be genuine.

- Always look your best, regardless of where you're going.

- Never care about what anyone thinks. Be yourself.

- Do not be afraid of the world.

- If you want to go to the library, go. Ignore the stares that always follow you when you walk.

- If you want to take a trip into Toronto to clear your head and be inspired, go.

- The answer to all your problems: punk rock. (I didn't want to generalize the wonderful genre of punk-rock, so here's a separate link!)

- You are amazing and strong. Show them what you're made of.

- Oh and have fun! This is a journey to becoming the best you can be!

Good luck in the new year, dolls!

Happy Birthday and Lifestyle Changes

I love running. I love knowing that I'm getting more fit, and I'm burning calories. I love feeling free. I went for a fitness swim for the first time in 3 years. It was the best thing I've done in a long time. I like swimming so much, now, that I wish I could go every other day! But I can't because my hair would get so dry and ruined from chlorine. (I only have to wash my hair once a week, as it is...) So every Friday, I'll go for a fitness swim.

I hate coming home and looking in the mirror and realizing how fat I am. So I'm not going to look at my body or weigh myself until Wednesday.
I've decided that restricting doesn't work for me. I'm going to go about this by eating 6 times a day, less than 150 calories each time. Also, I'm taking a break from calorie counting. Honestly, it has gotten so tiresome, despite using an iTouch app. I am going to get healthier. This is not going to be a temporary diet; it is going to be a LIFESTYLE. I need to make some serious changes in my life and my eating habits will be one of them.

I am 18 today. I am going to make my life better.