Inspirational Rambling

I have written up everything I need to change in my life and how I plan to change those things. I realize that I'm not doing this for anyone except me. No one cares if I change my life. M won't care, she probably never will. No one cares if I lose weight or if I look like Karlie Kloss. I'm doing this for ME, and only me. I'm the only one who'll give a shit about me in the end. And I need that. I need to know I can do it for myself, my own confidence. Any time I give into cravings, and allow myself junk like ice cream, I am only letting myself down, setting myself back. No more. I'm making a change in my life. I don't want to look back and see how much time I wasted.

I'm making myself better. Stronger. 2012 will see a brand new Alisha. I love all you girls, anyone who comments on my posts, anyone who bothers to read. You're amazing. I'm so glad I have this community to fall back on. Tell me how you're doing. Tell me if you have plans to make yourself better. We're in this together. xx

Slump and Rant

I haven't been posting because I've been going through a slump. I'm sure we've all gone through one and we all know that they suck. Basically, I've been sitting around, doing nothing for the past week. Absolutely nothing. I was feeling guilty because I said I'd start my diet/workout routine this week, but I realized that I am going through a slump. Slumps pass and I need this week to relax. Sometimes we just NEED to sit around and do nothing. First semester is over and I could not be happier.  Remember that I said I wanted to take last week to study and ACE my two tests? Well, I was full of shit. I barely studied. I think I failed my calculus test and maybe just passed my Italian test. This really sucks because now I have to work EXTRA hard in second semester. I'm on academic probation for Christ's sake, what the fuck is wrong with me!? I am going to use this month I have off to catch up with all my studying. I will go into second semester full of motivation and drive to do well. I will be the university student I have always wanted to be. I will be studious and I will always have time to work out. I am going to do this.

My home situation isn't looking very good right now. My parents are up my ass about everything. I am 19 years old and in university. They cannot keep treating me like I'm in high school. Every time they talk to me, they ask me about school and how much I'm studying. I acknowledge that I never study, but it is none of their business. It's none of their business if I'm up until 2 AM on the Internet. I wish they could just leave me alone to do my own thing. They also think I'm an alcoholic. And because of that, they have revoked my car privileges. I am only allowed the car to go to school and back. I cannot use the car to socialize. If I want to go out, I have to take the bus. The problem is I live too far to take the bus to where my friends are. It's such bullshit. And to top it all off, my curfew is 1:30 AM.  What. The. Fuck. If I get to the club at 11, I'm not going to leave in 90 minutes to get home by 1:30! Complete bullshit. But I can't do anything about it because if I want to live under their roof I have to follow their rules. One night, they flat out told me that they're tired of having to deal with me and that I should just move out. I DO want to move out (BADLY), but I have no money and I've never had a job.

If my parents continue to attempt to control me like this, my ED will come back for sure. The differences between my parents and I are too great. This has been building up over the past few years and it's peaked now. I really do hate my parents. One day, I will leave them forever. The other day, I wanted to go to M's place to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show with her. I told them I was already on campus, and asked if I could just go over to M's place, watch the show then come home. M lives 5 minutes from campus. My dad was like "NO, no car, you can come home and watch it, anyway we don't trust M, I had a bad dream about her so I don't trust her." WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. He doesn't trust M because of a BAD DREAM?!?! I lost it at that point. I am done talking to them. I think they're full of shit. I think my mum suspects that me and M have a thing, so that's her reason for not wanting me to see her, but I AM FUCKING 19, you cannot tell me who I can and can't hang out with. UGH. I ended up hanging out with M most of the day anyway (behind their backs) and my mom bitched at me because I came home at 8:30, when I originally said I'd be home at 6:30, EVEN THOUGH I called and said I'd be late. I have to find a job. I'm nervous about getting one, but I have to do it. If any of you lovelies have any advice, feel free to share! End rant. I hope by Monday, my slump will be over and I can start losing weight again...

I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday

I can't see myself having time to work out this week and that makes me sad.  It's just that I have two tests: Italian on Wednesday and Calculus on Friday.  I really want to do SUPER well on these tests.  I want to feel good about myself.  Classes end in exactly one week and I want to spend Christmas holidays getting into shape and feeling proud of myself, like I deserve a good time.  So I'll forfeit the exercise this week and just focus on my studies and eating healthy.  Once Friday comes around, I'll be in the gym almost every day!  I can't wait.  It's a sure bet because I'll be all done and caught up with school.  My goal is to be AT MOST 109 lb by Christmas.  That's 5 lb to lose.  Totally possible.

I got closure from M. On Friday, we did a Skype call and decided to go out and get McFlurries and meet back on Skype in 15 minutes. We did and it was so fun and so random! We talked on webcam for FIVE HOURS, until 3 AM. I was sneakily trying to get information out of her for my own benefit.  I got closure from her. I am okay with just being her friend. I am happy that she's got a gf now (even though I know M two-timed this poor girl with me). I no longer feel as though M and I have unfinished business. I am happy with our friendship. On Saturday, we were on Skype again and I helped her pick out an outfit for clubbing. (Fucking hell, she's so cute, I loved watching her try on different sweaters.) On Sunday, we Skyped AGAIN for 5 hours, just talking at first, then she watched Breaking Dawn online and gave me random commentaries on it while I studied Italian.

Time To Get Back On Track

Weighed in this morning at 116.2 lb.  Lighter than I thought I'd be.  I want to lose 5 lb.  The problem is that I never allow myself to go to the gym because I haven't done my homework.  This weekend, I plan to catch up on all my homework (or at least MOST of it).  That way, I can go to the gym (without feeling guilty) five days per week, like I did last year.  As well, my sleeping pattern needs to be fixed.  I've been going to bed at 2 AM this whole week, which is making me very tired and moody and lazy.  When I'm tired, I eat a lot of junk and am really unhealthy, and I won't exercise.  So, another goal for this week is to go to bed by 11:30 every night.  In the past, I've found that when I get enough sleep, I don't crave as much food.  

Last night, I texted M and asked if she wanted to hang out on Monday and she took FOREVER to reply, then asked me if I meant this Monday, and then, a lifetime later (this evening), replied, "maybe, what did you have in mind."  In my head, I was like, wow such enthusiasm... Maybe she thinks I'm boring or annoying or something.  I dunno.  I dunno if I did something wrong or... In any case, I'm not gonna reply to that.  This is making me sad, but I won't let it get to me. 

Karlie, You Are So Loved

Oh my god.  Karlie Kloss has done a for Allure magazine.  Anyone who reads my blog knows about my undying love for Karlie.  Guys. You don't understand. This photoshoot is amazing.  Karlie is so perfect and so lovely and so good at what she does. And can we all just talk about Karlie for a while?

This photoshoot is my new inspiration.  I'm going to go out and buy this magazine and take it all in.  I've been slacking with my exercise and school work.  Not good.  I want to look like a model, wahhhh. I have a lot of homework to do this weekend, so I'll focus on that first.  I have tonight and Saturday to finish all my homework.  On Sunday, I'm going to the first LGBT meeting/BBQ at my university.  (I want to meet people, I'm not a lesbian.)  Once Monday comes, I am going back into full workout mode.  I will exercise EVERY DAY, with one rest day per week.  I am so serious this time.  

Whoa, this new editor is crazy.  Anyway.  I started Insanity.  Let me tell you about it.  IT IS INSANE.  It is a killer workout.  I sweat BUCKETS.  And I'm a person who doesn't sweat a lot!  At first I got tired really quickly, but now I am much stronger.  Insanity will make you extremely strong.  Your legs will never be the same, haha.  The workout guarantees a full body transformation in two months.  I have taken my before photos and will be the judge of that in two months.

I haven't been eating the great.  I've been getting up late and going out a lot and only eating 3-4 times a day, instead of my usual 6.  The way I see it, it's summer and summer isn't really ideal weight loss time.  Summer is weight maintenance time.  I start school tomorrow.  Second year of university.  It's going to be way better than last year since I'm healthy and happy now.  Since it's school time, I will have a set schedule and my eating will be way more controlled.  I've already set up an eating schedule.  Along with Insanity, I will be fitness model material by Christmas!