Sappy Stuff and Slump Update

I am consumed by thoughts of her. M. I guess it's harder to move on if I'm such good friends with her. It's so dumb: I wait for her online for hours, even until 2 AM. But she doesn't come on. She has a girlfriend and is probably happy. With her. She's probably with her. At least she's happy. I hope the best for her. She deserves it. The truth is, I'd turn it all around for her. I wish I could tell her. For her, I'll always choose "accept." "Ignore" is only for the rest of them. We had our thing. We dealed. And she chose the other girl. I'll get through this. Her heart was just a mailbox and was wasting too much of my hard earned cash on stamps anyway.

I'm nervous to apply for jobs. I've never done it before and I have no experience to back me up. But I suppose I have to bite my lip and do it. I need to do this. It's necessary for my survival. This house is too depressing. My parents make me very angry. They make me depressed. Being depressed causes me to go into a slump and I never want to leave the room. That makes me fat. I still haven't exercised. It's been over two weeks since I exercised. Gross. My eating has been average. I swear I need to get out of this slump. It's time I did something about it MYSELF. I don't want to slip back into my dangerous ED habits, but I feel like my weight loss is the only thing I can control right now, it's the only thing that is MINE, that could make me HAPPY. So tomorrow, I'll try to be the healthiest I've been in two weeks by getting up early, eating every two hours (mostly fruits/vegetables), and doing a simple 30 minute exercise routine. The exercise won't be intense. Just something to get me back into the swing of things. It'll be exercises like jumping-jacks, push-ups, squats, lunges, and stretches.

I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday

I can't see myself having time to work out this week and that makes me sad.  It's just that I have two tests: Italian on Wednesday and Calculus on Friday.  I really want to do SUPER well on these tests.  I want to feel good about myself.  Classes end in exactly one week and I want to spend Christmas holidays getting into shape and feeling proud of myself, like I deserve a good time.  So I'll forfeit the exercise this week and just focus on my studies and eating healthy.  Once Friday comes around, I'll be in the gym almost every day!  I can't wait.  It's a sure bet because I'll be all done and caught up with school.  My goal is to be AT MOST 109 lb by Christmas.  That's 5 lb to lose.  Totally possible.

I got closure from M. On Friday, we did a Skype call and decided to go out and get McFlurries and meet back on Skype in 15 minutes. We did and it was so fun and so random! We talked on webcam for FIVE HOURS, until 3 AM. I was sneakily trying to get information out of her for my own benefit.  I got closure from her. I am okay with just being her friend. I am happy that she's got a gf now (even though I know M two-timed this poor girl with me). I no longer feel as though M and I have unfinished business. I am happy with our friendship. On Saturday, we were on Skype again and I helped her pick out an outfit for clubbing. (Fucking hell, she's so cute, I loved watching her try on different sweaters.) On Sunday, we Skyped AGAIN for 5 hours, just talking at first, then she watched Breaking Dawn online and gave me random commentaries on it while I studied Italian.

Weird Week

Ughhh, weird week.  Haven't worked out at all and haven't been paying attention to my eating.  I've been mostly healthy, but not as healthy as I could be.  The problem is that I stay up way to late, hoping to talk/talking to my crushes, and then I don't wake up in time, which messes up my eating schedule.  Sometimes I miss class because I'm so tired, so then I don't go to the gym either because I should be catching up (even though I don't).

My date on Tuesday went really well.  I'll call her C.  She bought me Starbucks and we just sat and talked and laughed for an hour.  I had a really good time.  I felt comfortable and sure of myself, unlike when I was with M.  I hope things go well with this girl.  There's just one problem: I can't get M out of my mind. I know we're both seeing other people, but...she was amazing when we were together. I guess I have to accept that she's a player, that she's not good for me.  I'll get over her.  I'll do my best.  I hope I can make it to the gym tomorrow.  I NEED to show M what she could have had and I need to make her jealous of C.  I also need to make C crazy about me, although she already is, I made her blush so many times on Tuesday.  We shall see!  I just want to lost 8 more lb.

114 lb

The scale has gone down!  I weighed-in at 114 lb today.  That's pretty good, seeing as I got my period yesterday and I only worked out twice this whole week (I was too depressed about the M drama to work out).  My eating is really good.  But maybe that's because my appetite has vanished.  I never feel like eating...I always force myself to eat every 3 hours because I know I have to.  The M drama has been resolved.  On Thursday night, I sent her a long-ass essay apologizing and explaining my situation.  She replied on Facebook chat last night saying that she accepts my apology.  Then she apologized for her part, which pleased me.  Soon we were chatting like we did before we got together.  She asked me if I was seeing this girl because she noticed our fb posts.  (So she's creeping my fb, eh...) I didn't say anything, but my sneakiness caused M to believe that we're seeing each other and that I've kissed her.  M has a girlfriend now, so I'm glad she thinks I've kissed this girl.

Eventually we got on webcam on Skype, and we started laughing and created a kissing map, starting with us, showing how we've indirectly kissed almost everyone in the LGBT group on campus. We had a lot of fun doing it. Pretty soon, it felt like we were talking the way we did when we were together.  I was like, what's she playing at!?  We're FRIENDS...I was finding it all very funny and I just went with it. She admitted that she considered me a girlfriend, which shocked me.  By 1AM, she was sending me depressing-as-hell videos on youtube, and was like, "watch this with me."  So we'd watch these videos together and she'd be on the verge of tears, her eyes all watery and red.  She wanted to get emotional with me, cry with me.  I didn't know what to think.  We talked until 2:45 AM.  It would've gone on had I not stopped it.  What's making me feel weird, is that she has a girlfriend.  If I were her girlfriend, I would NOT want her talking the way she did with me last night to another girl.

Whatever.  I have a date on Tuesday with this new girl.  I'm happy that there's no more drama.  I actually slept last night, for the first time in a week.  I am losing weight at a healthy pace.  Next week will be awesome.  I'll be working out everyday.  I've dropped chemistry, so that stress is gone.  Life is beautiful once more.

Sparkles

I did really well today!  I ate really healthy all day and I went to the gym for an hour.  It felt so good!  It felt like old times.  I was pushing myself at the gym.  But then I realized that my mind was blanking out and that's not a good sign.  So, I had to remind myself that I have to EASE back into working out.  I can't just workout hard core like I used to.  I'll get back into it eventually.  I am going to keep up this good work for the whole week.  Well, for as long as I can, actually.  This will help make me look like a Victoria's Secret model.  

I went to the mall after working out, with the intention of buying one or two "wife beater" tank tops (those look so good on me).  I ended up buying A LOT of things.  Ever since I saw Taylor Swift in July, I've been obsessed with sequinned clothes.  So every time I saw a sequinned piece of clothing, I had to try it on and if it looked good, I had to buy it.  I bought a sequinned skirt and top and a sweater.  Then I went to Victoria's Secret and bought the sexiest lingerie.  I got the bra in the above picture and a matching panty.  SO FUCKING SEXY.   (I thought of modelling it for M.  She'd love that.)  But anyway, now I'm broke.  Speaking of M.  I've thought about it.  And I've gotten loads of input from followers on her and on tumblr.  I've decided that I'm just going to take it slow.  I'm not expecting anything.  I'm not going to push anything.  I'm not going to get attached.  I'm just going to be normal and see where it goes.     

Time To Get Back On Track

Weighed in this morning at 116.2 lb.  Lighter than I thought I'd be.  I want to lose 5 lb.  The problem is that I never allow myself to go to the gym because I haven't done my homework.  This weekend, I plan to catch up on all my homework (or at least MOST of it).  That way, I can go to the gym (without feeling guilty) five days per week, like I did last year.  As well, my sleeping pattern needs to be fixed.  I've been going to bed at 2 AM this whole week, which is making me very tired and moody and lazy.  When I'm tired, I eat a lot of junk and am really unhealthy, and I won't exercise.  So, another goal for this week is to go to bed by 11:30 every night.  In the past, I've found that when I get enough sleep, I don't crave as much food.  

Last night, I texted M and asked if she wanted to hang out on Monday and she took FOREVER to reply, then asked me if I meant this Monday, and then, a lifetime later (this evening), replied, "maybe, what did you have in mind."  In my head, I was like, wow such enthusiasm... Maybe she thinks I'm boring or annoying or something.  I dunno.  I dunno if I did something wrong or... In any case, I'm not gonna reply to that.  This is making me sad, but I won't let it get to me. 

About A Boy

Girls. I met a boy. I met a boy. I met a cute boy. I met a cute boy who told me, "You're, like, insanely gorgeous."

The Story:
Remember, I am a boring girl. I don't have much fun, I don't have an real friends. I don't go to parties. I don't get invited to parties. I'm not popular. And I have not had a guy friend in almost 3 years. I don't even get chances to talk to boys! Today, was the tri-campus parade and I got very bored of it, so I jumped out of the parade and took a subway to the Eaton Centre and did some shopping. Then I got back on the nearly-full subway. Across from me was a boy, my type of boy: straightened brown hair, black skinny jeans, polo...He looks like Alex Evans. I looked at him once. The whole ride, out of the corner of my eye I could see him glancing at me. I was thinking about how cute he is, how I wish I knew him...I became aware of him looking at me and glanced at him a couple more times. Then he got off at the station before mine. I looked up at him and he looked back and as he was walking off the subway, he looked back again! So in my head, I was like, 'okay, why, why didn't one of us say something, what if that was fate, if we missed out on each other...' I got over it soon though. I got off at the wrong station. So I got back on the subway and got to the right station to catch a bus back to UTM. I'm lining up for the bus, and the same cute boy is coming to line up behind me. Whoa. Unexpected much. I HAD to smile, because there was no denying the connection. On the bus, he sat across from me. 5 minutes passed, and I looked over at him smiling and not turning away. He looked at me, looked away, noticed I wasn't looking away, and responded to my gesture by sitting next to me. We exchanged numbers. He's emancipated. And a drug dealer. And he lives in the most dangerous part of Toronto, where the gangs are. Ohhh, my. We argued over who would text first and never resolved it. Should I text? Tonight? What do I say? I am boy-deprived! I have no idea what to do!

So, in a way, I am super glad, I ditched the party.