Sparkles

I did really well today!  I ate really healthy all day and I went to the gym for an hour.  It felt so good!  It felt like old times.  I was pushing myself at the gym.  But then I realized that my mind was blanking out and that's not a good sign.  So, I had to remind myself that I have to EASE back into working out.  I can't just workout hard core like I used to.  I'll get back into it eventually.  I am going to keep up this good work for the whole week.  Well, for as long as I can, actually.  This will help make me look like a Victoria's Secret model.  

I went to the mall after working out, with the intention of buying one or two "wife beater" tank tops (those look so good on me).  I ended up buying A LOT of things.  Ever since I saw Taylor Swift in July, I've been obsessed with sequinned clothes.  So every time I saw a sequinned piece of clothing, I had to try it on and if it looked good, I had to buy it.  I bought a sequinned skirt and top and a sweater.  Then I went to Victoria's Secret and bought the sexiest lingerie.  I got the bra in the above picture and a matching panty.  SO FUCKING SEXY.   (I thought of modelling it for M.  She'd love that.)  But anyway, now I'm broke.  Speaking of M.  I've thought about it.  And I've gotten loads of input from followers on her and on tumblr.  I've decided that I'm just going to take it slow.  I'm not expecting anything.  I'm not going to push anything.  I'm not going to get attached.  I'm just going to be normal and see where it goes.     

Exercise Plan and The Gay Village

Okay.  Tomorrow I SWEAR I'm going to the gym.  I'm gonna spend AT LEAST an hour there.  I need to do a lot of cardio.  My plan is to get rid of some fat, first.  Once I lose some fat, I can start working on building some muscle.  (The way I see it, there's no point in working on building muscle if there's still fat in the way.)  I have midterms coming up, which I'm super nervous about.  I NEED to do well in them.  I'm SO FUCKING BEHIND in chemistry.  I actually really hate it.  The only reason I'm taking it is because I LOVE biology and most bio courses require stupid chemistry.

OMG.  So on Friday night...I went to the gay village downtown.  It was so fun.  I was with amazing friends (GUYS, SEE THAT, SEE, I HAVE FRIENDS) who totally have my back.  We went to a pub for dinner, where there was karaoke, and after we went to a gay/lesbian bar, where there was a drag show.  I was pretty disappointed because the majority was mostly gay men.  Where were the ladies?! Anyway, we decided that next time we're going to a bar known for lesbians.  The dancing was great though, and despite not having hooked up that night, I had a blast.  I'm so glad that I recovered.  My life would NOT be like this if I still had my ED.  Take care, ladies! 

Me Being Lazy

Ugh, I'm starting to annoy myself with the way I have not been working out.  Seriously, I've become a slacker.  Which is odd.  I am so used to priding myself on being super-athletic and "tank" but how can I say that NOW when I haven't been working out AT ALL?  I can't.  That means...I need to get my ass to the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY I'm at school.  That's four days a week, at least.  I still look sexy, though.  I'm not gonna deny it, I am an extremely sexy girl.  That's why I'm excited to work out because I'll become even sexier.  Haha.

So, um.  There's this girl I really like.  Yeah.  In my absence from this blog I figured some things out.  I like girls.  And boys.  I won't bother explaining, but if you're actually interested in how I came to terms with this, just leave me a message in the comments, and I'll do a post on it!  So this girl.  I really like her.  A LOT.  I haven't had a legit crush in a long time.  I met her at a few LGBT events on campus.  Hopefully I can make something happen... OH.  WAIT.  

On a different note:

• I HAVE FRIENDS
• I HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE
• PEOPLE RECOGNIZE ME AROUND CAMPUS
• I GO OUT
• I HAVE A GOOD TIME
• I GET INVITED OUT
• MY CELL PHONE ACTUALLY GETS MESSAGES
• PEOPLE COMMENT ON MY FACEBOOK
• I REPEAT: I HAVE FRIENDS

These concepts are allall so new to me and so beautiful.  It feels good.  For the first time in a long time, I am happy.  

Winner

I managed to calm my nerves and went to the gym today for the first time in..two weeks. Here's what I noticed. I've gotten so heavy that I can't hold myself up when I run on the treadmill. It sounds really bad, but that's what happens when you gain 15 lb in a month! My body isn't used to the weight. I stopped running and spent 30 minutes on the stationary bike. I suppose I'm going to have to ease myself back into running... Oh well, it'll get better once the weight starts coming off. I've been good today. My main focus is regaining control over my body and my life. No more being sad. I'm doing something about it. And about getting therapy: I realize that my ED issues are tied in with my current social anxiety, but I also realize that my anxiety is tied in with the sudden lack of confidence due to extreme weight gain. Therefore, once I get down to [at least] 100-103 lb, my happy weight, I'll be "back to normal." Confidence will be boosted, anxiety will be reduced. Four weeks of classes left. I'm studying like a dog. I will be in control.

So far I've had 350 calories. For dinner, I'm going to have scrambled egg whites (30) and steamed asparagus (20). Wow, that'll make my total only 400! Good job, Lishy.

My Arm Workout

I don't want to throw up anymore I don't want to throw up any more I don't want to throw up any more! It hurts. It's gross. It takes so much effort. It messes with your body more than starving does. In my psychology lecture today, I learned that the bile and stomach acids that pass through your mouth when you vomit eat away at your teeth (which I already knew), but it causes the enamel wears away and once the enamel goes, it's GONE. Forever. And after that, your teeth only last 5-10 years. Oh, god, I literally started shaking when the prof said that. I don't want to throw up anymore. I'm going to put a page in my thinspo book about this issue and how to deal with it.

This has been the most controlled week of 2011 for me. I will say that I binged today. (I purged.) But I'm over that. I went to the gym this morning for TWO hours, burning 460 calories. I did ballet when I got home, burning another 50. Flat tummy, thin arms, and boney chest. Even at my lowest weight of 90 lb, I didn't have a thigh gap. So I'm not gonna fret too much about something that's probably 100% genetics (fucking MOM). My goal for the upcoming week is to NOT binge or purge, and focus on staying as strong as possible on less than 500 calories/day.

Karlie, Karlie, Karlie, Karlie. Anyway, several of you asked for my arm work out since I posted my guns picture. Before I start any workout, I do 25 minutes of cardio.

Day 1: Triceps= (10 triceps extensions 12 lb+10 advanced triceps dips+10 triceps kickbacks 5 lb) x 3.

Day 2: Back and biceps= (10 bicep curls 10 lb +10 reverse flyes 5 lb +10 hammer curls 10 lb+12 single bent-over rows 15 lb) x 3.

Day 3: Shoulders= 20 push ups+ (10 lateral raises 5 lb+10 front raises 5 lb +10 shoulder presses 10 lb) x 3.

Take note of the weights I use. I can't stand the bullshit that says girls should use lower weights and do higher reps for tone. You are NOT going to get bulky with heavy weights, you don't have the testosterone for it! Build some strength! Fucking 3 lb weights I see girls use at the gym...hahahha. Oh and between each set, I do some form of cardio, like 20 jump squats or 15 burpees. Let it be noted that I work out more than 3 days/week, but the same muscle group shouldn't be targeted on consecutive days. Good luck, everyone! I just want to say that your comments mean so so much to me. I love this community so much. For real.

New Diet and a Starbucks Catastrophe

I'm was sick of my own bullshit so I created a diet that I am planning on doing for 10 days. For some reason, knowing that I'm doing an experiment that I cannot mess up on is extremely motivating, since I want to know the exact results. I hope the diet goes well, so I can post before/after pics with my "success" story. Wouldn't it be amazing to be a thinspiration?! I've been super good all week with my eating and exercise. I cap my intake at 500 calories and exercise everyday, without fail. My abs/obliques are visible without flexing. My arms look thinner. My tummy is flat again! I'm going to shrink. I'm going to be lovely and tiny. The cutest girl around. I'll be able to wear anything. I'll look adorable in over-sized sweaters. I won't sweat. I'll be pure, fat-free. This is gonna get good.

Today, I was talking to a friend and she brought up those new vanilla tea lattes from Starbucks. She was all like, "We have to go to Starbucks, NOW!" I was hesitant, so I looked up the nutrition content online and decided that I'd be safe if I got it non-fat and sugar-free. It's just skim milk with a vanilla tea bag... So I got one with her. It was amazing. I was shocked at how good something non-fat and sugar-free tasted. We went to the library. I finished half the drink. Then I looked at the cup where they write what you ordered. Mine said "VRL" for Vanilla Rooibos Tea Latte. My friend's said "N CH" for Non-fat Chai Tea Latte. MY CUP WAS MISSING THE "N" for non-fat and "SFV" for sugar-free vanilla!!!!!!!! Oh, shit, you can imagine, I went all ape-shit with my friend and she told me he probably just forgot to write it down. No. I could trust it. What if it was WHOLE MILK!?! I told her I had to dash to class. I dashed to the bathroom. Tried to throw up. Failed. I dashed all the way to my class, bouncing like an idiot and lifting my knees extra-high on stairs. Had to burn those calories, ew. I felt so fat, though. I couldn't understand it, but it's how I felt.

Moral of the story is to DOUBLE CHECK if they got your order right. No harm in asking. Anyway, I burned 360 calories when I got home. Still thin. I hope I'm losing weight. I told myself I wouldn't weigh in until Sunday. So I've been resisting.

Good-Bye January

Mondays I usually work out at 11 AM. Me, the genius, left my gym pass in my OTHER jacket. Boy, was I pissed. Ugh, now I have to go home and slave away on the stairmaster... I got some work done and came home 4 hours earlier than usual. The stairmaster wasn't so bad! I did 25 minutes of intervals and lifted some weights, burning about 260 calories! I stayed on track, except I "thought I needed" some chocolate at 7PM, but went overboard and had 100 calories worth. So I did 10 minutes of cardio and lunged around my house; I probably got rid of the chocolate calories. My extra working out caused me to lose about 45 minute of study time. Crap. Well, I'll make it anyway. I swear to God that this will be the best week month ever. I binged the entire month of January (except today). I'm not exaggerating. But I was good today, and tomorrow it's February and I'm going to lose 10 lb this month! Or more! How exciting!

Thanks so much everyone for the shopping sites! I found the BEST one ever, I was like, GOTTA SHOW THEM: Shopbop.com It's sort of expensive, but so worth it. They've got Elizabeth and James (MK and Ashley's line) and Temperley London and Marc and Diane von Furstenberg and Derek Lam and...everything that's lovely about life! Moving on. Friday is my dad's 51st birthday, so we're going to this Italian restaurant where portions are about the size of my head, but I had a soup there once, which is safe. But that was lunch...Veal could be safe too because I can cut out most of it since everyone knows I hate the taste of fat. Ahhhhh!, and we're celebrating Chinese New Year with my dad's family on Saturday! But that'll be easy because it's a "steamboat," where we sit at a table and cook our food in a boiling broth in the centre of the table. I'll just cook a bunch of vegetables. Have a wonderful start of February, everyone!

Life as of Late

It's been the craziest week ever. I was so...in touch with my self. I lost 3 lb from Monday, which is better than nothing or gaining. I did my homework. I studied. I did ballet. I exercised. OH! And I started using the treadmill again, for the first time since I fell on one over 3 months ago. I love running, so so much. I feel so alive when I run. I feel like I'm GOING somewhere when I run, as ironic as that sounds. The best part about exercise is seeing the results. Even though I binged once this week, the amount of exercise I did "canceled" out the binge. The day I binged, I must have done 100 push-ups, 100 squats, and 100 calf-raises (3 sets, 2 minutes rest b/w sets). Didn't gain a thing. I'm frustrated that my weight loss is slow and that I've set myself so far back, but I know I can do it. I am strong.

I went to the gym at 3:30 pm today, and damnnnnn, there was a surplus of hot boyss, I mean they were just coming in through the goddam window, I was practically drooling while trying not to look stupid in front of all of them. Holy shit, I'm getting wet just thinking about all of them, might have to change my panties hahahahaha. ANYWAY. I think I'll be at the gym every Friday afternoon...Also, I passed the dance studio and there was this girl in there doing ballet, looking so pretty and tiny. I WISH I went in to say 'hello' and 'I do ballet too,' but I didn't because, well...when I'm not TRYING to be cute, my natural style is "grunge-y prep" and I didn't want to intimidate her with my modified combat boots and shielded left eye...

I want to be tiny like the girls in the pictures in this post. Tiny and delicate-looking and graceful and light and blah blah, you get the picture. GOTTA get back to 100 lb. Plus, losing the weight will make me a better ballerina; whenever I gain weight, my pirouettes fail. Also, I'll have the confidence to hook up with a boy. I've decided to ditch the 16-year old because he was starting to get weird and clingy. I'll be open to dates once I dip below 105 lb. I need to get laid. OH SNAP, and my TA for calculus, omgomgomgomg, oh-em-eff-gee, SHIT, fuck, he is so C. U. T. E. CUTE. AHHHHHHH! I went to class for the first time since November, and he's grown out his black hair, it used to be a crew cut, and ahhhhhh, what a cutie!!!! Gawd, and when a question stumped him and his cheeks turned pink, ahhhhhh! I melted. Literally. Into a blob of hearts, and cotton candy, and puppies.

Jeeze, I wish I looked like Karlie Kloss. If I could just get that skinny...Then I can wear cuter clothes, have a good excuse to do my hair better...*sigh*

Never Take "Days Off"

My godmother's Christmas dinner went well. The Chinese dinner yesterday went well. Both dinners involved mere vegetables for me. I wasn't too happy with the dressing/sauces, but it can't have been so bad. (And THANK-YOU everyone for the tips!) I'm thrilled with my progress. My arms are thinner. My tummy is flat. It doesn't sound like much, but it's progress. My hips will shrink. I have faith in them. They are slow like turtles. But I have faith that they will shrink. I'm doing a lot of cardio. I took a break off working out today since my legs were so sore, and just did some ballet which was a bad idea because for the first time in 5 days, I binged and purged. Stupid. It was completely mindless. But I'm happy it was a mindless binge because it hasn't messed with my train of will power. I'm still as strong as ever. Tomorrow will be as good as the last 5 days, and I'll be hitting the gym in evening.

So I suppose working out everyday for at least 45 minutes is the best idea. I'll just skip the cardio component if my legs are too sore. Circuit training is a fun option! As of today I'm 104 lb. I've lost 4 lb since I decided to lose 5 lb for Christmas. I guessss that it's not too much to ask myself to aim to lose another 4 lb for Saturday, which is Christmas! Wow, I bet if I work hard enough, I could be double digits for xmas! Okay, but I'm not going to get carried away. Subgoals is the key to getting things accomplished without stress. So let's just focus on losing 4 lb in 5 days. Totally do-able. Did I hear someone say "Skinny bitch?" Oooh, sound appealing...!

^'Sup, Karlie? I'm gonna be in your league soon...

Thin=Happy

I think I'll stay in my room all day. I don't want to eat. I want to be light. I want to wake up light. You know. Feel beautiful. I've felt it before. So I think I'll pull out the ol' will power and study in my room all day. I am going to focus on Biology. That's it. And I'll do some ballet and calisthenics on my breaks. I really can't even think about eating right now. I did 72 push-ups last night, and right after that, some malicious force dragged me into the kitchen and somehow I scarfed 2 cookies down my mouth. I told my mother about how my energy levels have been so low due to the amount of carbs/bread+butter I've been bingeing on (I didn't SAY bingeing). She agreed, and told me I need a "balance." So I'm making her buy lots of greens so I can make salads for myself. I find that when I exercise and don't eat a lot, my energy levels are so so so HIGH and I'm in a good mood! So that's what I'll strive for from now on. I'm up-ing my fruits/veggies intake. I want to be thin=happy. Direct correlations.

A couple of you asked for my diet plan. I lose 3-5 lb per week on it. Here it goes: Breakfast is always 1/2 C muesli with 1/3 C non-fat yogurt and 1/3 C raspberries=150cals. The muesli is 100% natural, not processed in the slightest, organic, whole grains, and only 2 grams of fat per cup, which comes from sunflower seeds. It's imported from Germany. 3-4 hours after breakfast, I have a rice cake (40cals). 3-4 hours later, apple (50 cals). 3-4 hours after that, I have a slice of whole wheat bread with raspberry jam (100cals)...4 hours later nonfat yogurt (35 cals). That's it. I'm thinking of cutting out something, and replacing it with a salad, but either way the plan works. Also, I exercise 4-5 days per week. Each workout has a 30-minute cardio component and at least a 15 minute strength training routine. I work abs 2-3 times per week; I do back/biceps, triceps, and shoulders on non-consecutive days.

I have 20 days to lose at least 6 lb. Here we go... And to everyone who commented on my picture, thank-you so much! It takes my breath away thinking about the bond we all have. Really, it does.

Gym Hottie!

S-exellent. Went to the gym. 50 minute Pilates class. 30 minutes running 60 second intervals around track. 10 minutes rowing machine. 10 minutes weights. 10 minutes stretching. Abundance of hotties in the gym. And. While I was on the rowing machine upstairs, admiring all the cuties below me, who shows up at the leg press (which I have a clear view of)? Gym Hottie. Fucking sexy as ever. That hair. Those eyes. That body. Hot damn. So he's there, setting the MAN leg press up with plates, GOD he's so hot, and I'm watching, what a cute bum, and he starts chilling on the machine (I don't know why boys like to relax on machines for the longest time before they start...). And I'm still staring, then he looks up, my way, and I quickly turn my head. But he knew. I continued my gaze and I could tell he knew I was still watching. Ugh. So hot.

I went to the library intending to do 4 hours of calculus. Out of my 4 hours at the lib, 2 hours were spend thinking about The Gym Hottie, doing that^ with me. And other things. With his mouth. All over my chest. Down my abdomen. Of course, in my dreams I was much skinnier and my tummy was concave. I'm eating better. A lot better. I can't seem to think of anything else better than being double digits for Christmas. So I stop eating. I want him to notice me...No one will notice me if I stay this average-looking...MUST BE SKIN AND BONES! Annnnd, as promised...here's him:

Aw, I don't know why it's so small. Anyway, you probably don't need me to tell you, but he's second from the left. Yellow. It's so funny, the comments on this picture from his GUY friends are like "OF COURSE YOU'VE got your movie star smile as always and the rest of us look totally out of it."

Another!

Front row, second from left. APPARENTLY he's on the Boys volleyball team. That pic was taken at the game LAST NIGHT. If I'd KNOWN he was on the team I would have gone! I bet he looked so cute jumping around, spiking the ball...! The only reason I didn't go, in the first place was because the advertisement was big on "FREE PIZZA." Before I end this, a word of advice: Be weary, people you don't know are stalking you on Facebook and posting your picture on anonymous blogs. I would know, haha.

The Limit Does Not Exist

Another good day. Weighed in at 102 lb. Sweet. 100 by Sunday? Not sure. I JUST remembered that I said I'd go to a friend's 18th birthday party on Saturday. Actually, I remembered, but I forgot that it would involve food. Oh shit, oh shit. It's at Scooters...the roller blading place. Oh my God. There's gonna be cake. And even worse: there might be pizza. I'm not sure what they'll be serving, but something along those lines probably. Shit on my face. I can say no to birthday cake because "I don't like icing, it's too sweet." I can get out of eating pizza by...I don't know. If I can't get out of it...I'll pull off the cheese and nibble and nibble and leave a huge chunk of crust. I'm NOT getting side-tracked.

I kinda felt sad today when I looked in the mirror because I have no bum and no breasts, while my thighs are the size of China. I get scared looking at my bare chest because of those chest bones and my tangerines for boobs. It's scary because there's virtually ZERO fat on my upper body. It's all in the thighs. I kid you not. Then again I usually like having tiny boobs. It's different. I'm not like most girls! I never want to be average. At the gym today, I did 30 minutes of intervals on the elliptical. It was hard, I'm not used to the elliptical. Then I went to the weight room and did 10 minutes of shoulders, then 10 minutes of back and assisted chin-ups. Basically, every guy in the gym stared at me. Me, the only girl that ever dares to enter the weight room, this tiny little girl with bones sticking out of her chest and muscles popping out of her shoulders. WTF. I'd stare, too. Finished the workout with stretching and 5 laps around the track.

Just to answer a few questions:

That friend of mine who I think is "one of us," I'm not sure if I'll be talking to her about all this stuff, yet. I am not an open person and I don't trust people easily. For all I know, my mother could have set her up. So I'm going to wait until I have more information.

How do I manage to do all that crazy exercising with my minimal eating? I guess, over the years, I've built up a "tolerance" to it. Like maybe, my body's gotten used to hardcore calorie burning on so few cals. Maybe. Usually towards the end of the first hour of exercise I start to lose balance and my eyes blank out a bit and I gasp for air, but nothing serious. Not to the point where I fall over and/or pass out. I always push myself. 90 MINUTES, GO, GO. My mind is stronger than my body. What's the phrase? 'Mind over matter'? Or am I thinking of 'Where there's a will, there's a way'? Haha, whatever.

PS. I am so in love with all of you. Thanks for supporting me, girls!

Thin Is Classy

Okay, so, today was, like, the best day. My eating was amazing and I worked out HARD. I did a Pilates class from 12-1, then went to work out on my own, like the crazy I am. I saw my economics buddy there, so we spent 25 minutes on the elliptical together. (OMG, I got to point out the gym hottie to her. He was there, omg, like, he's so hot, I can't even describe. Shit, I'm drooling.) Then we went to the weight room, ignored the college dudes getting their pump on, and worked biceps for 15 minutes. Then we did pushups, and had a "plank competition." She left, and I ran around the indoor track for 15 minutes. I was dying by the end of it. But I felt accomplished. My legs are very sore. :)

Remember that friend of mind that asked to see the "skinny site," the one who told me about randomanorexics.com? Well, she texted me today asking "have you tried the baby food diet?" I said, "no but I've tried ABC, 246, rainbow..." wondering if she might know of those. She did. She said she can never manage to stay on ABC for long and that sometimes she ends up bingeing. Then she said, "what diet are you on now, I want to restart ABC, but I need someone to help keep me going!" Oh boy. You girls were right. I think she might be "one of us." It's scary shit. I never would have thought her...Well, I don't want to assume anything. Anyway, I ate so well, today, every 3 hours without fail. GET THIS: I came home at 10 PM. Weighed in at...102.2 lb. Say WHAAAAAT?! I haven't been that low in...forever! That weight is at NIGHT, omg I'm SO weighing-in tomorrow morning.

Today, I just felt so tiny, and pretty, and artistic. I was walking around campus, enjoying the beautiful crisp autumn day, in my favourite loose blue v-neck, skinnies, and black leather flats. I went to Starbucks, got a green tea, sat down and started writing letters to friends on pieces of paper I had painted with pretty water colours. I felt and looked pretty artistic. It was very beautiful. Things are starting to fall into place. :)

Bad Habits

I have a really bad habit of starving myself all day, then coming home at 9 PM and allowing myself 2 slices of bread and butter and chocolate "because I haven't eaten all day, so it's okay." (I purged.) Well, that philosophy is SO WRONG. Here's what I did: breakfast at 8 30 AM, apple at 3 30 PM, yogurt at 7 30 PM. I didn't FEEL hungry, but my body knew something was up. You girls know the drill. Anyway, I think it's better if I just eat every 3 hours. That way, I don't come home and eat carbs late at night.

Anyway, so the plan is to be as lovely as that ^ for the Christmas holidays. 95 lb. I have no idea how I'm gonna get hair like that, though. I have really really really thick wavy hair. I don't put any products in, and I never straighten it. But when I was 15, I used to straighten it 3 times a week, which is probably why it's kinda damaged now. I should really try some products... ANWAY, I worked out like a mad man today. It was so hard, after not having exercised in a week. But I managed to pull 90 minutes. Goddam, I'm so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open as I type this. I was supposed to do Calc until 11, but I'm too tired.

Plan for tomorrow: eat every 3 hours. without fail.

To Be Completely Honest

I do not enjoy the feeling of emptiness. I do not like the feeling of starving. Of the emptiness I feel after purging every calorie in my stomach. I don't like it. Not one bit. That emptiness is what leads me to a binge. What I DO like, is eating 35 fat-free calories 4 times a day. I like the feeling my metabolism running. I like feeling accomplished and awake. Today, I satisfied every craving I had to binge. Yes, I purged, but I learned an important lesson. I learned that the emptiness is not worth it. The calories are not worth it. It's best to not eat, period. I eat 150 fat free calories at breakfast. After that, eating 35 fat-free calories 4 times during the day leaves me happy, light, and satisfied. I am so happy to have figured this out today.

So, whooooo's the skinny bitch? Me. Except my thighs. They are stubborn. EVERYTHING else is shrinking. But my thighs are fat rebels. They'll learn. I have faith in them... Spent an unexpected hour at the gym today. I finished failing my economics test at 9 AM, felt like shit, got over it, and went to the gym intending to do cardio for 30 minutes and get out. At the gym, I saw my economics buddy there! So we did the stationary bike together for 20 minutes (time FLIES when you're taking to someone). Then we did weights (women only hour in half the gym!) for 15 minutes. Oh, and me being a tank, I tried the bench press. I did 5 reps, 45 lb, I think. When she left, I spent 30 minutes running intervals around the indoor track. SO SORE now.

Weighed-in this morning at 103 lb. Yay! Omg, this is so exciting, I'm trembling, 3 more lb and I'll be 100 lb! Okay, okay. Last weekend was the biggest disaster of my life. Won't happen again. Mom's away all weekend, so no one's gonna come home with cinnamon raisin bread or chocolate or milk pastries for me! No one's gonna cook or ask me what I'll have for dinner. So...who's down for losing 3 lb by Tuesday? It's a contest, last one there's a Miley!!! (For Hannah Montana fans.) I'm kidding, it's not a contest; I'm just having fun. Take care, lovelies!

^Everyone love Karlie Kloss, right?!

Thoughts

I am currently craving GOURMET macaroni and cheese with bacon and a wrap filled with salty deli meats. Clearly, I have a carb and salt craving. My mom's going away for the weekend and she's made meals for the family, but I think I'm gonna ask my sister if she wants to make that mac and cheese on Saturday night. If she doesn't, I won't have it. If she does, I'll have it, but just to try. One bite usually satisfies a craving for me. It's been 4 years since I've had mac 'n cheese. Anyway, these cravings are bad because they're all I can think about and I have a HUGE economics test tomorrow. It's like this: "Okay, so the price elasticity of demand will increase if the price of...salty deli ham on a whole wheat wrap lathered with butter and melted cheese..." That's what the past 2 hours have been like for me.

I am currently looking very skinny. Worked out 2 hours yesterday and 90 minutes today. Two days of being back on track is all it takes...I saw my eye candy at the gym today. He's just this boy I noticed during orientation week. He's like Josh Hartnett plus Torrance Coombs plus a giant surge of HOTNESS. I have calculus with him and I always make sure I get a view of him, and he's so fucking hot, and every time I see him, I imagine fucking him, hot and steamy, in his dorm room. MOVING ON. I saw him at the gym, so hot goddam, and he saw me, and he's so hot, oh baby. I forget where I was going with this. Hahahahahaha...

I Just Passed Out On The Fucking Treadmill

But only for a second. After that second, I came back and realized, holy fucking shit I’m being dragged on this thing. It was bad. People around me stared and some tech guy started asking me if I was okay. I almost had a heart attack, thank you very much. But me, being psycho, decided to keep going. Then I noticed some blood rolling down my hand, so dammit, I had to get off the thing. My finger is cut pretty deep, but I gained 3 lb over the weekend, something has to be done, so I went to the back of the gym and spent some time on the elliptical. One would think the elliptical is pretty safe right, but NO, I almost fell off that stupid thing, too! Christ, I was getting so tired and weak. So I stopped. The whole reason for this gym fiasco is due to my tiredness. NOT because I haven’t eaten. Before I even got to the gym, I was thinking I shouldn’t go because I feel so tired, but I did anyway since I was feeling so fat. Now I’m just depressed.

Yes, I’m depressed because I only spend 20 minutes working out and it was only cardio. It’s actually not even funny how fat I feel. No matter. I’m not going to binge. (This is a HUGE temptation to binge right now.) I’m not going to let this sadness get in my way. Seriously. That was the worst weekend of my life. I’m so glad it’s over. I suppose it’s only made me stronger, but still. 3 lb gain…in 2 days… It’s okay, I’m strong, today’s been good. I’ll be okay. I’ll make it to 102 this week. I’m going to try my hardest.

Oh, ya! I LOVE my followers! Every single one of you! I am so thankful for your support and words of wisdom. You make me smile to myself. It’s a good feeling. I think I would go insane without all of you. I’m always here for any of you. xox

I Love Me

I have not b/p in 2 days! I've been really good. I was admiring my bones last night, instead of doing my long overdue french essay. What a vain creature. Haha. I love me. Today, I went to the gym for 75 minutes. Did a lot of cardio, and 20 minutes of weights. Funny story. My gym has two floors: one where all the machines are and the upper floor is for the indoor track and a stretching/floor work area. I had just finished stretching and started walking down the stairs. Imagine walking down the stairs and having every single people turn their eyes to you. Just imagine 20-something pairs of fascinated eyes watching you walk down the stairs. Wouldn't you laugh or something? That's exactly what happened to me. I started snickering. It was just so weird. During my weight lifting routine, I was doing advanced tricep dips. Once I finished, I went to do more cardio. I could see the weight room from where I was. I noticed a cute boy from my Biology lecture staring at me. Then the cutie attempts the advanced dips. He fails. Hahaha. Once again, I love me.

Still at school. I have a economics quiz at 8PM on 5 chapters. Uh, shouldn't they call it a test? Fucking hell, I haven't even studied, they called it a quiz! I think I'm failing university. This is really bad. I need to get back on track at school. Really bad. I'm revolving my life around this schedule I've made using iCal on my macbook. It kinda helps. Always having something to do makes me forget about eating. I'll only eat when I start to feel starvation. I don't know about anyone else, but when I'm depriving myself of food, my skin goes all weird, like the colour gets blotchy. I like it. I think it's pretty, in a freckles kind of way.

You girls were toooo nice in your comments last post. I love you all tooo much. :) Before I go fail a quiz, here's a rule to live by: Never procrastinate!

I'm A Tank

I wonder what it will take for me to NOT eat almond butter. I mean, it's healthy fats, but fat is fat! The goal was to eliminate fat, but with almond butter around...My mother won't stop buying it. So I need some way to stop myself from eating almond butter. Otherwise, I'd be flawless( eating-wise). I had a ton of almond butter at 7 30 PM, but I purged majority of it. I purge excess calories. Bad habit. I should just stop when I've reached my limit. Instead of 246, I've just been focusing on eating as little as possible. Under 500 cals.

Today, I did Pilates for an hour, then did hard core running intervals for 25 minutes, stretched for 5, then did weight lifting for 20 minutes. (I love the shocked look I get from girls at the gym when they see me weight lifting...haha.) I was sore, tired, hungry, and pleased. About 2 hours of exercise today! Under 500 calories! Weeee! The fat is gonna melt off. After the gym, I went to the library and ran into the same guy I was talking about last entry. I said, "I was just at the gym for 2 hours." Then the guy was like, "Cardio for two hours!?" I wanted to give the two boys a dirty look and walk away, but I didn't. It just bugs me how people assume that the only thing girls do at the gym is cardio. So I simply explained what I did. I also mentioned to them that I'm a tank.

I have so much school work to do, it really isn't funny. I just spent an hour fucking around the Internet, too...Arg.

Think Thin

I exercised at the gym for over an hour today. 25 straight minutes of running, then 15 minute abs, then weight training. I did back, shoulders, and triceps. Then I ran into a guy friend at the gym. He's just one of the kids in my bio lab group. For some odd reason, I see him EVERYWHERE. No exaggeration, seriously. Anyway, I saw him while I was weight training, which was funny because just last Friday we were talking about how most girls are afraid of weightlifting because they don't want to get big (not applicable to me). So, he says hi and looks at me in complete and obvious awe. Keep in mind that I'm red-faced and dripping with sweat. Then he says, "Most girls don't work out...!" Also keep in mind that I'm the only girl in the weight room and I'm a billion times tinier than everyone around me and I look like a fucking twig. Then I laugh and shoot some crap like, "I'm different, that's what I'm going for, all bulky and muscle." I laughed in my head and thought, 'hahaha, acccctually, I'm fucking anorexic.' Then the guy says, "Nawwww, you just want tone." I dropped it and while I was doing reps I could still feel his perplexed face on me.

All in all, I had a really good workout. Something interesting: every time I felt depressed today, I thought about losing weight and becoming really skinny. Every time I felt mad, I thought about becoming painfully thin to spite people. Today, I saw a pretty girl eating a chicken wrap, with one of her guy friends beside her. They were talking, nodding at each other, smiling, laughing, having a good time. They looked normal. NOW, firstly, if it were me, I'd be having a fucking heart attack eating that wrap. Second, I can't eat in front of other people, EXPECIALLY boys. Third, if I WERE to eat in front of others, I'd be trying too hard to be discreet about it. The whole scene completely depressed me.

Anyway, today ending up being a 600 day. That means...tomorrow is a 200 day. Crap, hopefully I can do it. Damn, I'm gonna need a lot of caffeine. Wish me luck! Oh, and my gosh, thank you everyone who commented on my last entry! I smiled so much reading those comments. xo