Sunday Bloody Sunday

It's Sunday afternoon and my whole family is home. I absolutely hate it when they're all home because we usually eat meals together. Like, we had breakfast together this morning and it was absoute torture. Whenever we eat together, there is always some sort of discussion or argument that makes me feel uncomfortable, angry, and agitated. That's where my roots of 'feeling uncomfortable about eating' come from. Mom and stupid Dad want to make hamburgers for lunch. When I hear burgers, I think "Fat." So I'm just gonna do my mom the favour of picking up the shirt a friend left behind at a restaurant last night. That way, I don't have to be at home for fatty hamburgers. I'll stay out the rest of the day, if I can, to avoid the family. I'll tell my parents I'm with a friend. Then I'll go drop off the shirt. Excellent.I went out last night with a girl I used to hang out with at school, Brit. I never considered her a friend because I always try to avoid socializing (socializing=eating). But she considered me a friend, obviously, if she wanted to go out. [Wow, my eating disorder has made me forget how to be a friend...] Anyway, Brit is one of the few people I'm close with who DOES NOT know about my ED history. When I was with her, Ifelt like I could act completely normal because she treated me completely normal! She didn't treat me differently or all suspicious! It was so nice to feel normal! I'm so used to hiding and putting on an act. So I'm starting to realize that if I want to start making friends and being a friend, I should hang out more with people who know nothing about my ED history. I can't even describe how good I feel now that I know what I have to do to be normal again. I'm tired of putting on an act. I want to learn how to be normal again for university in September.

That's it

I've had enough of binging.
I mean, I've had enough!
I was so good last week. Between the 19th and the 23rd I lost almost 2 pounds. I gained three pounds over the weekend.
I don't know why I "yo-yo" like this.

I want to be thin and frail and...perfect so bad!
I want my arms to look like sticks, like the way they did when I was bulimic last year.
Since losing my gag reflex, I've gained a lot...
But I can get over this! I can become skinny!

There are 25 days until my birthday. I want to lose 10 pounds by then. 10 pounds.
I need to stop binging. Stop eating junk. I need to get it into my head!
I'm getting so fat with all this binging! I don't want to be 106 pounds! I want to be in the 90s! I want to be thin...that's all. I feel so worthless. Like nothing is more important than being thin. I think, I will starve myself tomorrow. Only fruits and vegetables, if I'm really hungry.

Remember what you want, darling. Remember what is more important. Being thin will feel way better than that chocolate will ever taste.

Boney arms and protruding hip bones <3

ABC?

I really need to get these pounds off.
I gained 6 pounds in a month...
I'm at 106 lb.

So I'm trying to limit myself to 500 of less cals per day.

However, I KNOW that I am completely capable of losing 6 pounds in under 2 weeks.
I have high metabolism, so I SHOULD be about 100 pounds in about two weeks.
Let's see how this goes...

I've always been scared to try the ABC diet. But I'm thinking it would be the best thing for me if I want to be 93 lb by June 21.
Dammit, I'm so scared.
I'm scared I'll lose control.
I'm scared of being ugly.
I'm scared of becoming fat.
I'm scared.