To Be or Not to Be

I want people to physically turn their heads when I walk by. I want them to think to themselves 'she is so skinny...' I want to be pure, no fat, just skin stretched over bones. That's what I want. That "coveted" title of anorexic. But I am not anorexic, I don't know if I have an eating disorder. I know that I was diagnosed with bulimia two years ago. But that was two years ago. I don't know anymore. All I can focus on, is what I WANT. Not anorexia, but that thinness associated with anorexia. THAT's what I want. So time to focus on other things. Eating should not be the issue here. Eating should never be a concern. It shouldn't be problematic because you're not supposed to be eating if you want to be skinny!

Basically, I'm going to stay with the plan I've been talking about in the past few blogs because it works for me. I just can't slip up. I am going to stay focused. Focused. In addition to the no eating after 8 PM, I'm eliminating carbs (MEANING BREAD and RICE and other refined/processed sugars) after 6 PM. No exceptions. Gotta lose more weight. I need to SEE some progress by Friday. I hope all you girls are doing okay, keeping up with your goals. Every time I see one of your lovely comments on my blogs, I'm that much more motivated to keep going. Although I can't say that I have an ED, I am a huge supporter of the ED community. Stay strong!

To be or not to be (normal, that is).

I want to lose 5 pounds in 2 weeks. I'm running and eating healthy. I NEED to do this. I NEED to lose AT LEAST 5 lb. I want to be thin. I want to be envied. I wan to stand out. I want to be perfect. I want to be stared at wherever I go. I want the body of a model. I want my six pack back. I want to be beautiful.

I went for a check up with my doctor on Tuesday. She weighed me. She was happy to know that I weighed-in at 112 pounds. What the... That's probably because right before the appointment I had eaten lunch and drank a bottle of water. At least, I hope that's why I weighed-in so high. There's no way I'm 112...Anyway, the doctor told me that 112 is where I was 2 years ago, before my ED. A year and a half ago, I was 95 lb...I want to be back there...None of this average girl bullshit. I don't want to be normal.

I got Hydroxycut Max Advanced for Women. I started it yesterday. So far so good. Let's see where this goes.

Planning Loveliness + Recipe by me

Yesterday, I managed to get away with making a low-calorie-low-fat pancake for me on the side of my mom's fatty buttermilk pancakes. I was so happy. The whole day was gonna be fine, until me and my sister were leaving our tutoring place, and I really had to pee. So we went into Tim Horton's (coffee shop), and I told her to get whatever she wanted. I told her to get me ONE applefritter timbit (donut hole). I figure it's only 50 cals, 1 g of fat, no biggie. I come out of the washroom, and my sister's all like, "They didn't have any timbits, so I got you an applefritter donut. You'll eat it right?" In my head I was like, "Uh, NO, you idiot." If I only wanted ONE timbit, why the hell would I want a whole stupid donut, which is 300 cals and 11 g of fat. Ugh, I was so upset, because when I though I thought I would only take one bite of that donut, it ended up being so good that I ate the whole stupid thing, which depressed the crap outta me and so I went home and binged on Toblerone chocolate, bread, and Nutella.

Anyway, but today was a better day. Intake of 500 cals. I've been planning my intake, and following my schedule of working out. I worked out a lot today, and now my arms, abs, and quads are sore. Good! When I weighed-in this morning, I was 106 lb...Christ...I hope that's because I had to go to the bathroom (to get rid of...you know). So, with diligence I can be 103 by Friday. It honestly makes me mad the way I keep setting a goal day for 103 lb, and it NEVER happens. Well, you know what, it's GONNA happen this Friday. Girls, I promise, I'll be 103 this Friday. You can hold me accountable.

So here's my original recipe for the low cal pancake:
Mix together
2 Tbs Whole Wheat flour,
1/2 tsp Baking Powder,
1/3-1/2 tsp Cinnamon (however much you like).
Stir in
3 Tbs low-fat milk (I used 1%).
Cook on griddle/pan, flipping once. I used exact measurements, and when I poured the batter onto the pan, of course not all of the batter came out. So depending on the kind of ingredients you use, it should have less than 90 calories. Mine had 85, with virtually zero fat.

Today, I had more chocolate than I should have had (apx 100 cals), but tomorrow, there will be none. Also I need to decrease the amount of fat I intake. That means, no snacking on almond butter after-school! I'm going to start running next Monday. AND OMG, this summer I am going to be in a beginners adult ballet class! I'm so excited. Ballet is something I've wanted to do since I was a small girl, but my parents never put in in it, depite my asking. Instead they put me in stuff that I wasn't really interested in... ANYWAY, I'm so excited to do ballet and be graceful and toned and lovely.
I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to lose weight and be skinny. I'm excited to see where life after high school will take me. I'm excited for my life. I will be better. Tomorrow will be better, I'll make sure of it. Tomorrow's limit: 500 cals.

104.7

Okay, so I've decided that fasting isn't really for me. For two days, it really slowed my metabolism down. I felt it and saw it on the scale. Usually I would have dropped a at least ONE pound in two days, but with this fast I only dropped .5 of a pound. How stupid. So I'm just gonna focus on cutting calories. And exercising like crazy.

By Monday the goal is to be 103 lb. Since my parents are going to a wedding tomorrow night I can skip dinner and work out instead. I binged today: 5 timbits=250 calories. GROSS. So I've gotta be good tomorrow and Sunday if I want to be 103 on Monday. The problem is that Sunday is MOTHER'S DAY, and my mom wants me to make her buttermilk pancakes! OMG I make those from scratch, and BOY, let me tell you, they're restaurant style and there is SO MUCH fat in those! Butter and oil and buttermilk and refined carbs...Oh, I feel fat just thinking about it! What do I do? How do I get out of eating those? AND we're going to go to my grandparents' for dinner. Friggin' hell. I'm going to have to work out A LOT this weekend.

I'm going to start running next week. My mom and dad bought me expensive running shoes so I can start. Actually, I need to get proper pants first...Like those tight capri pants you see runners wear. Also, I'm going to start looking into fitness classes. I want to start now or in the summer. I want to try pilates, I'll look into ballet, or spinning, or kickboxing...I need to do something! Maybe I'll get back into swimming.

Oh, and I really hate my parents. They freaked out of their goddam mind on Wednesday because I refused to eat the hamburger they grilled for dinner. They freaked right out. They are SO ANNOYING! They watch EVERYTHING I eat. Everytime I grab something from the kitchen my stupid mother wants to know what I'm eating. Like, fuck off, I hate telling people what I'm eating especially if it's junk. I mean why does she always want to know what I'm eating. Why does she constantly watch me and my plate when I eat!? I hate her! I hate my parents! They NEED to leave me alone. They threatened to send me back to the ED clinic. So I ate only the beef of the burger. Oh, they are SO gonna get shit from me when I turn 18 on the 24. Then they can't make me go to any stupid clinic or make me eat when I'm 18.

Anyway, that's just a part of what's going on in my head right now...I've got so much to handle...
I will my thighs were that toned...

Fasting

Okay, yes!, so I'm 105 lb today. By Friday, could I possibly be 103.5? Possibly. I'm trying a fast for the first time in my life. Today's the first day. I'm gonna try and fast until Saturday. AT LEAST. This is hard; I started getting a headache around 2:00 pm so I had a couple of bites of WWbread and an Advil. Now I'm going to work out to burn the calories off.

I really hope I can get through this! If I can get to 103 by Friday, by Monday I can hope to be at 102. (Weekends really throw me off because I'm around my family a lot...) I'm gonna avoid dinner with my stupid family tonight by going to the library to study. I'm make something up, like I ate. My mom's always fucking hassling me about eating. I swear to God, if I end up having to eat with them tonight, I'll be furious.

Today I'm gonna do 10 minutes on the Stairmaster, then 15 minutes of abs, then 15 minutes of weight training with leg exercises between sets.
That's an amazing torso, with a pretty amazing body. All the fat is in her breasts. Lucky her. All my fat goes to my hips...

Weighed-in this morning at 107 lb. Yuck. By Friday, I'm hoping to be 105. AND I CANNOT SLIP UP OVER THE WEEKEND. I'm so sick of food, I swear to God.

And I HATE family dinners. I was gonna skip dinner today, and my stupid dad came home from work early so my stupid mom wanted to eat dinner as a family. I hate eating with my family because they're so critical of my when I eat. They always think I'm not eating, and blah blah. I hate them. I mean, truthfully, my day was so so perfect, until I had to sit and eat with them. They're such an annoyance in my life. Like food. Anyway, so I just pushed a lot of food around my plate...

Today's intake was 545 cals. No more for the day. I also did intervals on the Stairmaster for 25 minutes! Tralalala, I'm going to be skinny, I'm going to be skinny...I will!

I think I hate eating in front of other people in general. It makes me so uncomfortable.

So I have to do a TON of research on Emma and Anne of Green Gables, study for an advanced functions test, catch up on chemistry, and practice piano. Trust me it's a lot. Especially along with trying to lose 10 pounds in 21 days.
Think thin!

That's it

I've had enough of binging.
I mean, I've had enough!
I was so good last week. Between the 19th and the 23rd I lost almost 2 pounds. I gained three pounds over the weekend.
I don't know why I "yo-yo" like this.

I want to be thin and frail and...perfect so bad!
I want my arms to look like sticks, like the way they did when I was bulimic last year.
Since losing my gag reflex, I've gained a lot...
But I can get over this! I can become skinny!

There are 25 days until my birthday. I want to lose 10 pounds by then. 10 pounds.
I need to stop binging. Stop eating junk. I need to get it into my head!
I'm getting so fat with all this binging! I don't want to be 106 pounds! I want to be in the 90s! I want to be thin...that's all. I feel so worthless. Like nothing is more important than being thin. I think, I will starve myself tomorrow. Only fruits and vegetables, if I'm really hungry.

Remember what you want, darling. Remember what is more important. Being thin will feel way better than that chocolate will ever taste.

Boney arms and protruding hip bones <3

Progress Report

On Monday, I weighed in at 105.2 lb. On Wednesday, I was 104.2.
Today I weighed in at 103.8 lb.

That's great!
I managed to keep my intake below 500 cals all week, and I exercised almost every day.
That is how to see results.
I was good. I didn't cave into junk food. I resisted eating. I remembered what I said I woud do, I remembered what I really wanted in life.

But, alas, I had Nutella and pizza today. More than 500 calories...
That means, today was a cheat day. I really wanted Sunday to be a cheat day so I could make and eat a whole stack of pancakes with loads of maple syrup, but I guess I can't do that anymore...Oh well, live and learn...

This coming Monday is the day I should reach my goal of 103 lb. I can do it.
I am a fighter. I am strong. I have what it takes.
Think thin.

Think Thin

Yes, I'm down to 105 lb!
So my goal for next Monday is to be 103. I can totally do it.
I just finished day 3 of ABC, let's see how far I get this time.

I'm tired of binging and doing bad stuff to my body.
I don't want to make my blood sugar levels go crazy.
I'm tired of that stuff.

I've started a written weight-loss journal. Writing down everything, what I'm allowed etc.
No more binging. I decided that. I'll allow one cheat meal each week, but that's it. It HAS to be every 6 days, however.
Less than 500 calories each day, fat intake must be below 10 grams.

I want to be thin so much more than I want that chocolate or that almond butter. That's right.

sick

I'm sick of failing.
I'm sick of eating chocolate late at night.
I will never OPEN a package of chocolate again.
Remember me writing about my mom buying 4 packages of chocolate chips? Well, in 4 days, I finished two of those packages.
I will NOT open the last two.

I'm sick of failing. I did so well, today...
I came home at 9:30 after my piano lesson, and went straight to the kitchen for no reason. I should have just gone straight to my room.

I hate this. I just want to lose these 6 pounds and become 100 lb again, the way I was in February...

I'm sick of saying, "I should have I should have...!" blah blah blah.
My words mean nothing. I never thought I would be the "all talk, no action" type.

I want to make a difference in my life. I want to.
I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE.
This is MY life.
Only I have the ability to change my life, my ways. It's all up to me. Only me. I'm on my own with this.

Two pounds down.

Ahh, messed up day 4 of ABC yesterday. Instead of 400 cals, I had a little over 600. Stupid. It was dumb...

So I'll start again tomorrow. Except this time I won't be as lenient. No more than 50 calories over the daily budget.
Tomorrow budget is 500 calories.
I really like the ABC diet. I really noticed the difference in a few days! I am grateful for my fast metabolism.

Anyway, I weighed myself yesterday (I couldn't resist!) and I was 105.5 lb. That's two pounds down from last Sunday. Yay! I'll weigh in, again, tomorrow morning because Sunday is always a weigh-in day.

To-do:
-french ISU paragraph-brouillon
-english ISU points
-FINISH CHEMISTRY NOTES

Day 3

I've finished day 3 of the ABC diet.
I've gone 50 calories over it sometimes, but I'm getting it for the most part.

Today's intake was 350 cals.
I wonder what I'll be when I weigh in on Sunday...

To do tomorrow when I come home from school at 11:
-work out: 25 min intervals on stairmaster + 20 min strength training
-have protein shake
-make les macarons
-do chem notes
-plot out points for ISU

Every time I sit down to eat, I think 'why am I doing this?' It's not like I want to eat. I just don't want my stomach to growl loudly later on AND I don't want my metabolism to slow down AND I don't want to get that binging feeling. Mais, en tout cas, every time I sit down to eat, I don't want to. I make myself though.

Hopefully, I'm 103-104 lb by Sunday.
Tomorrow's limit will be around 400 calories, WITHOUT exercise outtake.

New Start

So, after last week's disaster, I am starting fresh.
I was good yesterday, and today so far.
I've decided to start the ABC diet today. I won't be too strict with it. Like, a few calories over is fine.
Today's intake will be less than 500 cals.

I have my goal constantly in mind. Constantly. It helps.
I think about what I want, how bad I want to be thinner, how lovely I'll look when I'm 93 pounds...

My mom did grocery shopping yesterday and, BOY, she came back with flours, chocolate, chocolate chips, and loads of butter...HOPING for me to bake something. She wants me to bake something, like cookies or white chocolate brownies. She loves that stuff (or maybe she knows I'll eat it and thus gain weight). She even mentioned again today that she'd just LOVE some chocolate chip cookies baked by me.
Blah blah blah, I said I would try when I find the time, for now I've got school work.

I really don't want to bake, because I know that I'll end up having some of whatever i bake! It's bad. The sad part is that there's 4 packages of chocolate chips, 12 ounces of white chocolate, and two new bags of flour in the cupboard. This situation plus my mom makes me feel so guilty about not baking.
BUT:
This is not about my mom. This is not about baking. This is not about the feelings of others.
This is about ME. This is about what I want. This is about what I can control.
I need only think about myself, if I want to reach my goals.

Hmm, I feel hunger coming on...that's my cue to eat something. Something SMALL.

Thou shall be thin

I am at my highest weight in a long time. I'm probably at LEAST 110 pounds.

That is so fucking disgusting. I feel like beating myself up.

My arms used to have tone and definition. Now they are flabbly and not defined.

And my prized six pack...

All the muscle that I worked so hard for is burried under a thick layer of fat.

I am perfectly capable of losing the weight fast. I will do it.

Starting today, I am on a diet.

No junk food.

The food can wait.

I can't have it now. Maybe one day, but not until I reach my goal.

Goal Weight: 93 pounds.

Work out WHENEVER POSSIBLE.

EAT MINIMALLY.

NO JUNK FOOD WHATSOEVER.

Thou shall be skinny.
Thou shall not be fat.

bad habit

Yesterday night AND tonight, I had mini binges.
Lots of bread with nutella and chocolate, causing me to mess up ABC diet.
Actually, causing me to mess up in general.

Eating at night is THE worst...
I never thought I was the type...

UGH, I MAKE MYSELF SO MAAADDD!!!

ABC?

I really need to get these pounds off.
I gained 6 pounds in a month...
I'm at 106 lb.

So I'm trying to limit myself to 500 of less cals per day.

However, I KNOW that I am completely capable of losing 6 pounds in under 2 weeks.
I have high metabolism, so I SHOULD be about 100 pounds in about two weeks.
Let's see how this goes...

I've always been scared to try the ABC diet. But I'm thinking it would be the best thing for me if I want to be 93 lb by June 21.
Dammit, I'm so scared.
I'm scared I'll lose control.
I'm scared of being ugly.
I'm scared of becoming fat.
I'm scared.

Intake so far:
B: Strawberries, Plain Yogurt, Muesli, Milk =100
S: Fucking Timbit= 50

L: Apple= 70
S: Dark Chocolate Chips=40, Pineapple=30

D: Chicken, Green Beans=105
S: Blondie=35

Total: 430

Went to Tim Horten's for 3rd period spare with two girlfriends. Felt dumb for just getting a green tea. Therefore, ordered two timbits, as well. Ate one, tossed the other.
Could have avoided the chocolate...Not sure where my head was...

So far: not so bad.

Being home alone means I can fake eating.

A challenge

I think it would be a good idea for me to put my intake/outtake on this thing sometimes, just so I can keep track.
Also, it might be a good idea for me to PLAN things out. For example, plan out what I'm going to eat all day, daily routines, etc.

I kinda ate too much today, despite the fact that I told myself not to, despite the fact that I worked out so hard, despite the fact that I WANT to get skinnier...
What a loser I am...

I start school tomorrow after two weeks of spring break.
I also start a new challenge. A challenge to lose weight. I want to be 93 lb by the end of June. That's about 11 pounds to lose. It's completely do-able.

SO:
Starting tomorrow, I restrict my calories. I will exercise at least 3 times each week. I will only allow junk one time per week.

I will be the skinniest I have ever been.
And I will be beautiful.

Yuck

Ew, binged today for the first time in a long time.
Toblerone bar, cheese, donut holes, popcorn, Nutella+bread, pizza...
Gross.
That's a lot.
A lot of SHIT!

Well, it's one day. Tormorrow will be back to routine.
Eat clean and minimally. Work out.
I'm on my way to 93 lb.

Think thin. Think beautiful.

Mindless

I've been contemplating getting another blog, for my specific "ramblings."

As in, ED, ana, etc...

I just need a place where I can write about this stuff and get feedback.

I really just want to be perfect.
Get into shape. Toned. Beautiful. Skinny.

Ultimate Goal Weight: 93 lb.

I want that Marchesa dress to be my graduation dress. I want that body first.