Health

I feel like I owe my followers on here an explanation. I started writing this entry on June 28, but abandoned it…Nearly two months have gone by. I can't even describe the strangeness of my life as of late. I am a new person. I think I am recovered. And to think, I did it all by myself. I cannot believe I used to live off 500 calories per day. I can't believe I managed to spend 2 hours at the gym after only eating 200 calories. I have realized that I really am not fat. With my increased eating, I've been building lots of muscle and I look toned and, soon, I will have that Miranda Kerr body I've always dreamed of. I think of this blogging community a lot. I remember how I used to scoff when girls would write about getting better or "living;" look at me now. I remember the mountains of support you all gave me. And I can't help but smile because this whole thing was/is such a pleasant experience. True, ED was/is like an abusive boyfriend, but I still do feel like I'm missing a part of myself sometimes. I'm told that this will get better with time.

I just weighed myself, only for the purpose of this blog. I am about 118 lb. But that doesn’t bother me. I look great! I feel great! I am healthy. And I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight. Literally. I’ve actually trained my body to crave healthy foods, and now, junk food just doesn’t agree with me. (Although, I WILL have cheesecake for dessert if I’m at a restaurant!)

It’s been almost four months since my decision to be healthy. I start school in a little over two weeks. That scares me. I won’t have as much control over my meal times, which might mess up my metabolism. That’s why I’m going to create a schedule based around my classes, so I WON’T mess up my metabolism. Me and my therapist are scared that I might fall back into my ED when school starts. I have mixed feelings about this. It scares me, but at the same time, I am reminded of all the “adventures” I had. Funny, I know. Anyway, I’m about to catch up on all your blogs. I may not comment, but I’m reading. OH, and follow me on tumblr! http://petiteetbelle.tumblr.com/ ALSO: if you have a Pottermore account, add me as a friend: goldmoon77 I’m a Gryffindor!

Community Life

The problem is that I don't even know what to make of my weight loss. I'm TRYING to lose weight, but I'm not. At least I look great, even if no weight has been lost. The fact is, I don't mind not losing weight, as long as I look good in the mirror. It's strange. Health has really taken to me. And it's like everything's on my side. The amount of control I have over myself is incredible. And I can go to restaurants and still be perfectly safe! I never go overboard because I have secured control. So, I come here, on this site, and I don't know what to say. All I know is that support is always here and that you are all the most wonderful people I know of.

I got a one-month gym membership yesterday, and I plan on going everyday until it expires. My goal used to be model-thin. But now, I just want to look like a Victoria's Secret angel. And to be completely honest, I could get there by June/July. I'm capable. I guess, with this entry, I was trying to say that I don't know if I fit in here (in this community) as much as I used to. But I'll continue to have this blog, no matter what. It's an outlet. xx

A Change in the Weather

I do not binge. I do not over-eat. I do not crave high-fat or high-sugar foods. I have no desire to order a dessert. I do not get hungry. I do not get moody. I am very much in love with life. I am thinner than I was when I restricted. I started out aiming to eat 1000 calories a day, but, at this point, I don't really count. I just focus on being healthy and somehow I eat less than 1000 calories a day, without trying. I am getting back into exercise and I feel great.

It seems to me that I'm in limbo. I still get nervous when my mom asks me what I want for dinner. (But when dinner comes, I always make a healthy choice.) I am learning how to balance. For instance, when I was restricting, if I would have Nutella, I'd end up with a fat bloated tummy. But, now, I can have a tablespoon of Nutella and still have a flat tummy the next day! (Of course, I don't have Nutella everyday anymore. My mind and body are healthy and doesn't need/want it as often.) If anyone has any questions about what I'm doing, just ask, I'm so happy to give advice!

Think Thin

Yes, I'm down to 105 lb!
So my goal for next Monday is to be 103. I can totally do it.
I just finished day 3 of ABC, let's see how far I get this time.

I'm tired of binging and doing bad stuff to my body.
I don't want to make my blood sugar levels go crazy.
I'm tired of that stuff.

I've started a written weight-loss journal. Writing down everything, what I'm allowed etc.
No more binging. I decided that. I'll allow one cheat meal each week, but that's it. It HAS to be every 6 days, however.
Less than 500 calories each day, fat intake must be below 10 grams.

I want to be thin so much more than I want that chocolate or that almond butter. That's right.