Anyway, so I set out to be the strongest, smartest, and toughest. No one would do the things the bullies did to me when I was 14. No one would ever be able to hurt me or bring me down. And that's what happened. That's what made me into this monster. I have no feelings. I don't care about anyone. I'm self-absorbed. My ED was a byproduct of wanting to be the strongest, smartest, toughest. It never started because of body issues. My father is a skeleton, and I have his genes. Although, I get my thick thighs and hips from my mom. My mother's family is from India and they are all fat. My father's family is from Singapore/China and they are all skeletons. I am lucky, so goddam lucky, that I got my dad's skinny genes. AND THAT is how I KNOW that I am capable of making it to my UGW of 93 lb.
I binged today, but so what, I can still make it to the 90s eventually. Christmas is making me so nervous, I'm surrounded by so much food and temptation to eat! Eating makes me so depressed. The other day I binged and purged three times! I woke up the next day with the most swollen throat you'd ever see. It was painful, uncomfortable, and ugly. I'm never purging again. Therefore, I'm going to try my hardest never to binge again. That's all for now. I hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas! I love you all! xo
Stupid bullies and they're insecure, wanna-be selves.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how you want to be the strongest, smartest, toughest. The same goes for me.
Although I think my food issues area byproduct of me not knowing how to deal with things head on.
You are so damn lucky that you obtained that body type! I think mine is athletic because my shoulders seem to be pretty broad. I hate them! How can I be delicate if I have man shoulders?!
Don't worry, Christmas will soon be over and the New Year will replace it. The New Year is great motivation, in my opinion.
Be strong!
<3
-Sara
Wow, just from reading this, I can tell that you are a strong person. I completely understand how you feel. This is a hard life, but it gives us some amazing qualities that other people strive to have. We have self-control, strength, beauty, we plan, we assess situations well, we have so many things we're good at because of ED. It's a curse and a blessing.
ReplyDeleteYou will get there.
Stay Superstrong!
-Molly <3
The past is the past, bullies are just weak people and I'm glad to see you come out of a shit place like that and start new. You're one of the strongest person I know just by reading all your entries!
ReplyDeleteI agree, Christmas makes me nervous - too much food, dinners and parties. I'm trying not binge on food too so good luck to you!
Happy holidays and stay strong! <33
I completly understand, I was bullied too. You are really strong sweetie.
ReplyDeleteChrismas will be over soon thank god!
Merry Chrismas!
xx
Thanks for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteI'm very glad you have decided to stop purging. Please stick to that, even if you do binge.
I wish you the best tonight! :)
Love you :) It was super nice to be able to read your story and get to learn a bit more about you. Don't even doubt (I know you're not :]) that you'll get to the 90's- it's so close within reach, all you have to do is forget about the binge and get right back where you were with your eating plan. Merry merry merry Christmas Eve! (If you celebrate it) ♥
ReplyDeletexo
Victoria
it makes me so sad you had to go through all of that hun. but you're so strong for having come out the other side and for being as amazing as you are.
ReplyDeletedw too much about christmas food and enjoy your day xxx
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!! (And I know you don't really need me to tell you that, but that's what personal cheerleaders are for :])
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm totally the reverse when it comes to eating in front of people... as in, I only binge when I'm in highly social situations. Being alone is my comfortable foodless norm. I really do wish it was the other way around though... one of the clearly anorexic girls who anchors at my university's TV news show was told to take a big bite out of a cupcake on camera but she couldn't force herself to do it in front of everyone so she nibbled a bit of the decoration on top. I'm guessing that cupcake ended up lying in the trash somewhere, whereas I would've shoved it down my throat in seconds :[ :[ so really, your way is better!
Anyway, I'm glad you decided to go for the down-to-earth route, even if it took bullying to make it happen...
I am so very sorry this happened to you. But sometimes we really should not pretend to be someone different, just to be liked by others.
ReplyDeleteI can understand you food issues and I am very glad you've decided to not purge anymore. I've never supported that but I can imagine that it must be hard to stop.
You have my support and remember, you are a strong, lovely person. I know you can do it.
You have my heart,
Merely
I hate bullies. I can relate there.
ReplyDeleteyou can do it, i admire you!
and im looking forward to your letter!!!
stay strong girlie, you have alot of people who love you, and we all support you!
screw them other people!
xxx
you are so strong, and your post pretty much proves that. you can make it through christmas, and you can make it to 93lbs.
ReplyDelete:)
I really like your blog. I only found it recently. I'm glad you know you're lucky to have the good genes because many people just don't appreciate having the good DNA.
ReplyDeleteStay thin xx