Monday, November 21, 2011

I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday

I can't see myself having time to work out this week and that makes me sad.  It's just that I have two tests: Italian on Wednesday and Calculus on Friday.  I really want to do SUPER well on these tests.  I want to feel good about myself.  Classes end in exactly one week and I want to spend Christmas holidays getting into shape and feeling proud of myself, like I deserve a good time.  So I'll forfeit the exercise this week and just focus on my studies and eating healthy.  Once Friday comes around, I'll be in the gym almost every day!  I can't wait.  It's a sure bet because I'll be all done and caught up with school.  My goal is to be AT MOST 109 lb by Christmas.  That's 5 lb to lose.  Totally possible.
I got closure from M. On Friday, we did a Skype call and decided to go out and get McFlurries and meet back on Skype in 15 minutes. We did and it was so fun and so random! We talked on webcam for FIVE HOURS, until 3 AM. I was sneakily trying to get information out of her for my own benefit.  I got closure from her. I am okay with just being her friend. I am happy that she's got a gf now (even though I know M two-timed this poor girl with me). I no longer feel as though M and I have unfinished business. I am happy with our friendship. On Saturday, we were on Skype again and I helped her pick out an outfit for clubbing. (Fucking hell, she's so cute, I loved watching her try on different sweaters.) On Sunday, we Skyped AGAIN for 5 hours, just talking at first, then she watched Breaking Dawn online and gave me random commentaries on it while I studied Italian.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Weird Week

Ughhh, weird week.  Haven't worked out at all and haven't been paying attention to my eating.  I've been mostly healthy, but not as healthy as I could be.  The problem is that I stay up way to late, hoping to talk/talking to my crushes, and then I don't wake up in time, which messes up my eating schedule.  Sometimes I miss class because I'm so tired, so then I don't go to the gym either because I should be catching up (even though I don't).
My date on Tuesday went really well.  I'll call her C.  She bought me Starbucks and we just sat and talked and laughed for an hour.  I had a really good time.  I felt comfortable and sure of myself, unlike when I was with M.  I hope things go well with this girl.  There's just one problem: I can't get M out of my mind. I know we're both seeing other people, but...she was amazing when we were together. I guess I have to accept that she's a player, that she's not good for me.  I'll get over her.  I'll do my best.  I hope I can make it to the gym tomorrow.  I NEED to show M what she could have had and I need to make her jealous of C.  I also need to make C crazy about me, although she already is, I made her blush so many times on Tuesday.  We shall see!  I just want to lost 8 more lb.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

114 lb

The scale has gone down!  I weighed-in at 114 lb today.  That's pretty good, seeing as I got my period yesterday and I only worked out twice this whole week (I was too depressed about the M drama to work out).  My eating is really good.  But maybe that's because my appetite has vanished.  I never feel like eating...I always force myself to eat every 3 hours because I know I have to.  The M drama has been resolved.  On Thursday night, I sent her a long-ass essay apologizing and explaining my situation.  She replied on Facebook chat last night saying that she accepts my apology.  Then she apologized for her part, which pleased me.  Soon we were chatting like we did before we got together.  She asked me if I was seeing this girl because she noticed our fb posts.  (So she's creeping my fb, eh...) I didn't say anything, but my sneakiness caused M to believe that we're seeing each other and that I've kissed her.  M has a girlfriend now, so I'm glad she thinks I've kissed this girl.
Eventually we got on webcam on Skype, and we started laughing and created a kissing map, starting with us, showing how we've indirectly kissed almost everyone in the LGBT group on campus. We had a lot of fun doing it. Pretty soon, it felt like we were talking the way we did when we were together.  I was like, what's she playing at!?  We're FRIENDS...I was finding it all very funny and I just went with it. She admitted that she considered me a girlfriend, which shocked me.  By 1AM, she was sending me depressing-as-hell videos on youtube, and was like, "watch this with me."  So we'd watch these videos together and she'd be on the verge of tears, her eyes all watery and red.  She wanted to get emotional with me, cry with me.  I didn't know what to think.  We talked until 2:45 AM.  It would've gone on had I not stopped it.  What's making me feel weird, is that she has a girlfriend.  If I were her girlfriend, I would NOT want her talking the way she did with me last night to another girl.
Whatever.  I have a date on Tuesday with this new girl.  I'm happy that there's no more drama.  I actually slept last night, for the first time in a week.  I am losing weight at a healthy pace.  Next week will be awesome.  I'll be working out everyday.  I've dropped chemistry, so that stress is gone.  Life is beautiful once more.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I Need Your Support

Just a quick update. Last night I called D and we actually talked and everything was put out in the open. Apparently D and M thought that I told people that they took advantage of me and so they thought their reputations were on the line. Me and D are cool now. (But I still don't trust her.)  I chatted with M on facebook last night. It is very difficult for me to write/think/talk about this. She is more disappointed in me, than mad at me. I betrayed her by telling people about us and what happened. So I have to call her tonight to tell her I'm sorry. I'm extremely nervous about making this call. It hurts bad enough to think about her and the whole situation, but I have to do this so she knows and I know that at least I tried. I need all the support I can get right now.
My appetite still isn't here.  I'm still forcing myself to eat.  It's such a chore.  I wanted to lose 2 lb this week, but I've already done that.  I'm still hoping to be lighter by tomorrow, anyway.  I'm really scared for my future.  I won't let myself get sick again. I won't let this dark passenger get the better of me.  I'll do my best to stay healthy.  I need to drop chemistry because even if  get 100% on the exam, I'll only end up with a 43%.  This isn't what I wanted for this year.  I was supposed to study hard this year, and do well.  This year was supposed to be different.  But I have no choice but to drop chem.  I feel like such a failure.  Not only have I betrayed M, but I've betrayed myself. Like, Merely said, losing weight is the only way I know how to deal with things.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Skipped School Today

I'm down two pounds.  I weighed-in this morning at 114.6 lb.  Not bad.  I can't wait to see that number dip past 110.  Ever since all this drama, it's been really hard for me to eat.  I don't know why.  My appetite is gone.  In fact, I have to FORCE myself to eat because I know I have to.  It's hard, though.  I sit there, putting food in my mouth like it's a chore.  I don't like it, but I have to do what I have to do.  I skipped school today, so I won't be able to get to the gym to do cardio.  But I have to work out, so I'm gonna do a lot of calisthenics tonight.  Push-ups, mountain climbers, crunch variations, lunges, and squats.  I need to stay fit and get more toned.  I need to stand out so bad.  I suppose this is me trying to re-invent myself after the M fiasco.
Yesterday, D and M came into the LGBT office when I was there with a couple friends and did not even acknowledge me.  I can understand why D wouldn't, but M could've at least looked at me or said hi/bye.  See what I mean:  M is sketchy around D.  I'm gonna try talking to M on skype or fb chat tonight and ask her since when is she mad at me.  She has one of my favourite v-neck sweaters, but I think I should wait for things to cool down before I ask for it back...unless things go well if I talk to her tonight.  It makes me sad, the whole mess, but I'm getting over it.  And I want to thank Fat Piggy, Posie, Anafly, Kandie, and Thinspodiary for their amazing comments on my last post.  You've all made me feel a lot better.  Posie, do you have a blog?  I can't view it or your profile if you do!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Depressing Drama

My need to lose weight has peaked.  I need this so bad.  I need to make up for the huge amount of drama in my life that I cannot control.  I ate really healthy today and went to the gym.  Good start. Later on in the day, I went to hang out in the LGBT office. Then D showed up and was really sketchy and refused to acknowledge me. I even heard her call me, "This bitch."  And then she sat next to this really nice kid and started typing stuff to him on his laptop. My friend who had just left the room texted me saying 'try to leave that room asap.'  I left and she told me that D was typing shit-talk about me to that kid.  I couldn't understand why D had a reason to be mad at me so it made me upset.  A friend told me D talked to him about it; apparently D and M found my tumblr and didn't like what I said about them.  But in my opinion, what I said about them was pretty general, nothing to be mad about...
I was so stressed about this. I felt depressed. I am an extremely sweet person, so the thought of someone being mad at me (for unknown/non-existant reasons) caused havoc in my brain. No one except my parents have ever been mad at me. As I realized this, the need to be skinny TOOK OVER my mind. As I approached my car, I could feel my stomach turning.  I wanted to throw up so bad. I heaved as I got into my car. The emotions were making me sick. I had to FORCE myself to eat some dinner. It was hard. I called D an hour ago. She is really mad at something that I SAID, but she won't tell me what. As far as I can remember, I never said anything to be mad about, which I told her. She keeps saying, "OMG you KNOW what you said, and it's PISSING me off that you're PLAYING DUMB now, like you're playing dumb, you're being so dumb ugh." I seriously have no idea what she's talking about. I'm not going to fight to get it out of her, because she's being really immature like that.  
I am not concerned about her and what she says.  She doesn't affect me. What worries me is that she is bad-mouthing me to OTHER PEOPLE.  People I LIKE, people I have respect for, people who respect ME.  That's just not fair.  Getting a social life has backfired on me.  I am slipping back into ED. I can feel it.  Slowly, but surely.  I will go to the gym again tomorrow.  I will lose 2 lb by the end of the week.  

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Need

I REALLY need to lose this weight.  I need something to keep me going.  With the whole M fiasco and my crush, G, just asked my close friend out... I need something that's mine, that I can control.  The drama from last week made me binge a lot.  So starting today, I am healthy.  I am minimizing my eating.  I will not go overboard and I will focus on fruits and veggies.  I need to lose a SHIT TON of weight.  I want to get down to 105 lb SOON.  I need to show myself (and M and my crush and the world) what I can do, how controlled I am.  I need this so bad.
I need to make M regret losing me.  I need to turn heads.  I need to make G stare.  I need people to think I 'm a tank, made of steel.  I need to prove to myself that I can do this.  Once and for all.  This is it.  I'm ready.  This weekend is dedicated to eating healthy and getting back into the swing of things.  Starting monday, I go to the gym everyday.  I am willing to put my social life on the line for this.  I can hang out no more than twice per week.  Let's do this. 

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Situation

My last post ended with me saying that the M situation was a bit sketchy.  Basically, that whole week we continued to talk, but with a twist.  I've been warned by numerous people about M, so I had my guard up the whole time and I used the information I got from others to get info out of M.  I even got her to tell me about the other girl she's been flirting with.  She said, "I'm not fucking her."  So in my head, I was though, ok you could be flirting with her, getting emotional with her, kissing her...just not fucking her.  But anyway, we continued to talk/flirt the whole week.  On Friday, M, D, and I went to M's apartment and drank alcohol in the 11th floor stairwell.  I'm lightweight and got tipsy pretty fast.  They ended up taking advantage of me in the stairwell.  I kept saying, "No, stop, no, please, I shouldn't, I can't, we can't, stop..." But they kept pushing and I eventually gave in.  I didn't enjoy it, I faked.  I am not even attracted to D in the slightest.  Yes, M was very hot, but it wasn't the same.  After, I felt like I just got raped or something and I thought that they'd probably never speak to me again.  But they were cool about it.  But I thought they might be pretending.  

Later that night when we were all home, I talked to M.  I told her how pissed I am.  She already felt like shit.  She genuinely felt like dung.  She told me she'd never touch me again, she'd just feel like she'd be taking advantage of me again. She realized how upset I was the rest of the night.  I was distant.  I acted like I didn't think she gave a shit and like I didn't give a shit about her anymore.  But I was really hurt.  The thing is, I have a feeling that M would not have done that if D hadn't been around.  Around D, M is a very different person.  Around D, M is sketchy, cold, and judgemental.  I "ended" it with M that night, told myself that I can't trust her, not for a while.  The next day, I went to a friends house and M and four other people showed up.  We all hung out.  It was completely normal.  Me and M acted like friends, like the way we did before we started dealing.  I drove her home and we talked for a long time.  I said something really stupid:  I asked her, "So you never wanna hook up again?" She said, "Uh...naw, I'd feel like I'm taking advantage of you...let's just give it time, when It's not so fresh..you can see if you still like me in a week or something.." Boy, I felt dumb for asking her that.  
But anyway.  We're okay.  We're just friends right now.  We still comment on each other's Facebook.  I have gotten over the hurt.  In fact, I have a few new squeezes lined up.  But for some strange reason, ever since I "ended" it with M, I dream about her.  EVERY. NIGHT.  And when I wake up from those dreams, I can't stop thinking about her.  Plus, I still think about her when I masturbate.  As pissed as I am at her, I must admit that she is very good in bed. 

And THAT was The Situation.