Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I Have Friends In Holy Spaces

I have no idea how I'm going to tell my parents that I am not going to eat starches after 5 pm from now on. They will go all ape-shit on me. They'll think I'm trying to lose weight the unhealthy way and that I'm going back to my old "rubbish" and all that crap. I mean, my family's habits are actually really unhealthy. Why can't I be healthy? There's nothing wrong with that! They'll have to deal with it, because I don't give a shit how they feel or what they have to say. This is my life and I'm going to live it the way I want to. This is my life. It's all I have. So, like Adeline said, tomorrow marks the start of a new month. A new start. A chance to make everything better. Better than I ever could have imagined. I'm going to lose weight, and be everything I wanted to be. Thin and lovely. I start uni orientation tomorrow. I'm going to be a university student. Smart. Classy. Friendly. Pretty. I haven't had guy friends in 3 years. I don't really know how to act around them any more, so I'm hoping I'll meet some guys! Wish me luck!
I'm turning to my friends in holy spaces. The Dark Passesger. Ana. They'll make sure I stay on track. They'll remind me who I really am. That I have chosen this life. That THIS is ALL I HAVE.

"I just know there's something dark in me and I hide it. I certainly don't talk about it, but it's there always, this Dark Passenger. And when he's driving, I feel alive, half sick with the thrill of complete wrongness. I don't fight him, I don't want to. He's all I've got. Nothing else could love me, not even... especially not me. Or is that just a lie the Dark Passenger tells me?"- Dexter Morgan

Watching old Dexter episodes, prepping for Season 5 on September 26, keeps me "in check." In a way, I can relate to the guy. Oh, and I have 55 followers! I love all of you. Your support means the world.

Monday, August 30, 2010

In The Wrong Place

Hmmm, I'm not sure what my problem is, but I keep failing...I think my problem is that I'm not planning my intake. When I plan my intake, I do so much better. What I've been doing lately, is eating breakfast, then going about my day not eating, then I get extremely hungry and end up eating loads of crap. So, starting tomorrow, I will plan my intake and follow the plan. In my family, the diet focuses on meat, usually chicken, and rice. It's like a fucking obsession with my parents, you HAVE to have rice with everything. They consider vegetables as sides that aren't necessary, when vegetables should take up HALF of your plate. I think I'm going to make it clear to my parents that I want to eat healthier, by shifting my focus to vegetables and made their stupid RICE a side. I need to be clear with them. It's essential to my happiness. I went to my university, UTM, today with two friends, to do some paperwork before school starts. It was kinda exciting, seeing kids moving in walking around with suitcases, sophomores showing people where to go, lineups for student IDs...As sad as I am that I didn't accept my first choice uni, I must admit I'm pretty excited to start being a university student at UTM.
I just can't wait to spend less time at home. Anything to get me away from this hell hole. I hate my parents. I don't mind home when they aren't around. But my mom and ESPECIALLY my dad ruin my day. It's the saddest thing. They are always trying to control me. When I start uni, I am SO going to be in control on MY life.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Life's What You Make It

Vanilla almond milk is really good. I went grocery shopping with my mom yesterday, and, of course, since I have this obsession with looking at all the different foods and imagining myself trying and eating them, my mom tells me "oh you like that, put it in the cart!" Of course I know I shouldn't get it, but I put it in the cart anyway. My mom loves it when I say I want food, regardless of what it is. Ugh. I laugh at myself.
Binged yesterday and kept it in. I was just so lazy. I decided I DO NOT want to do adult ballet in September. I'm in an adult class now, and adults are just so...big and clumsy and they aren't interested in genuinely learning ballet, they just want some kind of "workout." So I went and switched to teen ballet. I barely made the cut, since I'm 18. Lucky me! Since there was a $5 difference in prices, they gave me FIVE free passes to use the gym! Yay! Now I don't have to pay $7 each time. Did I mention I can't wait to start university and start losing so much weight?Being at home so much is the cause of over-eating and binges. Ohh, I'm going to be thin and pretty! I have made that commitment. I'm sick of failing and waiting and dreaming of being thin. I am going to make this happen.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Comeback

I went out with a couple of friends today. We went walking in a little village. I went to the washroom, which was a single room. I wanted to see if my stomach had expanded a lot from lunch, so I lifted up my shirt and looked at my torso front and side. I cannot deny it; I looked incredulously thin. Abdominal muscles showing, visible ribs...I felt really happy with that! BUT here's the thing: Yes, I have an extremely thin upper body, but my body is not proportionate...My hips and thighs are where all the weight is. As soon as you look past my waist, my hips look like each side is trying to fucking stretch to the Middle East or something. And my thighs...jiggle jiggle jiggle! EEEEKK, fatness! One of my thighs is not even equal to both my arms. Urgh. It sucks being this curvy...Maybe I wouldn't be as ugly if I had bigger breasts to proportion it out...
After a few days of slowly getting back on track, I already feel better. I feel happier about my life and my miseries aren't as big a deal when I'm losing weight. Orientation week starts on September 1. I'm so nervous. I don't know anyone and I'm not even staying in residence. I actually can't wait to start school and my new life and be away from this stupid home more and starve more. Of course, I don't tell anyone this. I will be lovely. I'll be everything I ever dreamed of.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


I've been feeling restless, lately. I am spending too much time on the Internet. It's not healthy. But now, I am so inspired to do better. By that I mean I am so motivated to lose weight. I know what I'm capable of. I do not want to be a lazy, tired, fat-ass. I'm not. I am going to slim down these nasty thunder thighs if it's the last thing I do! I will be thin, lovely, graceful, feminine.

This year, I’m going to be a completely different person. I’m going to be skinny, I’m going to be the girl who reads books in class and is organized, I’m going to be ‘that’ girl to guys, I’m going to have long hair, I’m going to be top in all of my classes, nothing will phase me - I will be perfect.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Epic Fail

Well then.
On account of the fact that I have been acting like an extreme fat-ass today (don't wanna talk about it), tomorrow calls for some drastic measures:
-Minimal breakfast.
-Stairmaster. Strength training. Abs. Calisthenics. Don't stop until at least an hour has passed.
-Read for 2 hours, at least. Start re-reading Wasted, for extra motivation.
-Go to mall, for 2 hours, and pick up backpack for uni.
-Lunch and dinner should comprise of fruits and/or vegetables. No meat tomorrow. No fat tomorrow.
That's that. My body is just so full of fat right now, it has no idea what to do with it all. I can feel it. My stomach is panging, deadly pangs. My heart is beating so fast. My poor body has no idea how to deal with all this fatty food. Oh, I am so sorry. I don't know why I self-destruct like this...It won't happen again...I want to be pretty. And oh, my GOD, 8 more days until orientation activities...! I really wanted to be super-thin, like BMI of less than 17, by then...
I can't wait to start university, so I can focus on something else and not have time or desire to eat.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Eating is Unnecessary

It's kind of like constantly being watched. I feel like every move I make is watched and recorded and scrutinized. That is because of the way my parents constantly used to watch me and scrutinize me. Because of them, I always have my guard up, a strong thick wall. I am always afraid that I will do something wrong, so I go to great lengths to seem normal. I always think of what could happen if I say or do something; I never do things in the moment, out of fear. I am extremely self-concious in this way. This is a very ugly thing that I do not want to discuss further. But it just makes me sad and angry that I am this way because of my parents.
I must say, I've been good the past few days, minus Thursday. Last night I made these cinnamon rolls. They came out fantastic. I binged on two, but purged them. My mom took me and my sister out for Indian food. Indian food is so tasty...Anyway, I didn't eat much, just bhindi (okra) masala and whole wheat roti/bread. I believe I purged some of that, too. Haha. I cheat to lose weight. I got my car back, today! I'm thrilled. No more spending time at stupid home. I'm going to a party tonight. There will be pizza. And probably dessert. If I eat, I purge. No buts about it. The thing is, when I'm about to eat something that isn't "safe," I think 'I can always purge it.' But then I think 'Purging is so tiring and gross...I don't really feel like doing it unnecessarily...' So that's when I stop myself from eating it. It's a pretty good technique. Stay strong, lovelies!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Fight

Well, today was a complete disaster. My dad was BENT on taking the family to the beach. He fucking didn't check the weather properly. It poured rain, the beach was disgusting when we got there, it was SO windy and cold...I don't need to go further. We were disappointed and unhappy. In my case, those two feelings lead to...binging...Yup. Ate everything. Timbits. Chips. Entire loaded burger. When we got home: bread, butter, cookies...at least I purged those three. Today was a really bad day. I swear to God, I'm never hanging out with my family willingly, again. I don't give a shit. I'm not concerned with their feelings.
I know, I messed up today, but I can make it up in the days to come. I have those days. I won't waste them. I will not self-detrust and to harmful things to myself, like eating shit. I am tired of "doing the politically right thing." You know, spending time with my family because THEY'D like it, eating because it would make my mom feel better...I'm tired of doing things for the sake of others, ESPECIALLY my family. I want to do this one simple thing for myself. I want to lose weight. And if my family attempts to get in my way, I have to say no. I have to put my foot down. I have to do what's best for ME in the long run. This is about ME.
I have to do this. Because I will never be at peace with myself until I can finally establish that sense of ultimate power and control over my own life. That is the ultimate goal, the ultimate goal...Dammit, I just stared at the screen for 5 minutes, scared sick that all this fighting with my dark passenger was for nothing...But no. It isn't for nothing. I don't work hard for nothing. This is for something...This is for Thinness, right- I mean, beauty, I mean, attention, no, I mean control. Yes, Control, it's about possessing ultimate control.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Thou Shall Not Gain Weight

I actually don't even know why I eat. Yuck. I feel like shit for eating all that almond butter just a minute ago. I'm gonna ditch dinner tonight. Since I don't have my car for the time being, my mom will have to drive me to ballet tonight at 5:30 and my dad will pick me up at 7 30. My class ends at 7, so I'll just feed my parents a story that I got hungry waiting for a ride so I had a poppy seed bagel with cream cheese from the cafe. That will get me out of dinner. I'll eat half of the whole wheat spaghetti my mom made especially for me for lunch, and flush the other half down the toilet. I'll have an apple before ballet. Lately, I haven't been getting enough fruits and veggies.
And, oh, crap! My dad is taking our whole stupid family to the beach tomorrow. I love the beach. I hate the food. There is no way I am going to get out of eating a goddam burger tomorrow. It's just not gonna happen. Dammit. Last week, I managed to get us out of going to the beach because of the car accident. I hope it rains like mad tomorrow. I really don't want that burger...Hopefully I can get away with eating half of it, or just the bun, or...I don't even know. Or I can "take a long walk" after eating and purge somewhere in the woods. I just cannot bear to ruin the progress I've made in the past 3 days. I love being able to feel my ribs as I slide my hands down my side. I love my hip bones and tiny wrists. It's also nice to feel comfortable about wearing a tank top because of my toned arms.
Since I'll be extra early and saying later after ballet tonight, I'll buy a day pass for the gym and use the cardio machines for as long as I can. Damn, I'm motivatied to lose weight.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Honestly, I've been doing good and I'm proud of myself and the progress I've made. My only weakness is almond butter. It's the main source of fat in my diet. Without it, I'd be perfect. Wow, perfect is a strong word. But it's true. Today, I had a pretty big lunch which I'm not happy about. My mom was around, but I should have wasted half of it...I have no idea why I didn't. Yuck. I hate the feeling of fullness. My mom informed me that my dad's gonna be home tonight and there is pasta with clams and meat sauce for dinner. I don't think either of my parents will be home for dinner. But if they are, and IF I eat with them, I will purge everything. I cannot take in any more food today. I've had enough of carbs for the day, enough fat, and I DO NOT want the meat from the meat sauce in my body. That's my guarantee: I will purge if I eat that dinner.
Weighed myself this morning, for the first time in 3 weeks. 105 lb. Whatever. I'm making progress. My BMI is exactly 18. I'd really like to see it back in the low 17s. Soon. You know, it's actually not even a joke how much I detest my parents. I detest them and how they obsess over eating and food. Over MY eating and food. Over my LIFE. Mom is always wanting to see and know what I'm eating. I hate it when people see me eat. My parents judge me based on what I eat. They think I'm mental for saying dinner should be the smallest meal of the day, even though it SHOULD; just because they're so used to enormous dinners and tiny breakfasts. Goddam, I hate my family when it comes to food. They are disgusting. I just wish I could get away with eating a mere slice of bread for lunch, the way I do when they aren't around...
Frosh week starts on September 1 and I want to be very very skinny and toned by then. Very skinny. Hopefully I can make it to 100 lb by then. I think I'd be quite thin at 100 lb.

Monday, August 16, 2010


Last night, after realizing that the boy in the band will probably never like me, I decided that I need to do several things. I need to stop Facebook stalking, stop listening to his CD, and stop eating. I need to lose a shitload of weight. I need to feel a happiness again. My own sort of happiness, my own reality. Weight-loss will make me feel better. I can't believe I was developing a legitimate crush on this boy. It hurt really bad when I figured out (using Facebook) that he is getting close with another girl. I totally forgot what it feels like to have a crush. Anyway, so I'm gonna move on and lose a lot of weight by not eating unnecessarily.
I'm really tired of my "eating-it-because-it's-there" bullshit. Just because there is chocolate, bread, and almond butter around doesn't mean that I have to eat it! From now on, fruits and veggies will satisfy hunger. I'm sick of fat, especially. I think I'm going to stop eating meat. It's unnecessary fat. I'll only eat it when my parents are around so they won't bitch. Okay, so I'm gonna try to stay positive today! I'll be patient and await results. I think keeping a positive attitude will help me stay strong.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

For Us

Take your hands.
Place them on the left side of your chest, right where you can feel your heart beating the strongest.
Inhale until there’s no room left in your lungs.
Exhale until you are empty.
Repeat as many times as you need to rid all the thoughts from your head except the sound of your own breathing.
You have abused yourself for too long.
There is a beautiful person living inside you,
brimming with emotion and life and potential.
She has been smothered for too long by food
and fat
and insecurity.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Now ask yourself out loud:
Is this worth it?
Is this food really worth it?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Never Procrastinate

Ugh. I was totally about to get off my mac book and go downstairs to do my killer boot camp workout, but my stomach has just started to ache terribly. In the cramp-y way. Dammit. I really wanted to burn off all the calories I ate today...I'll probably do some ballet later. Today I went to a middle school reunion party. Haha. We're all 17-19 and we hadn't seen each other in over 4-7 years, depending on the person. It was fun reminiscing on middle school times, grade 2, who "dated" who...The parents of the host BBQed burgers for us. I ate. Without giving a shit. I mean, I felt totally fat and all, but no one cared or noticed because they're normal people *coughAlishacough*.
At one point, my best friend was getting a drink and asked if my other friend and I wanted something. I said Sprite, got it, opened it, and started drinking it. I honestly didn't care about the sugar. I was feeling good. Then I caught this guy completely staring at me. He was staring with a look that, obviously, said 'oh, she's actually drinking that.' I looked away. Yes, I was wearing a tank top and, yes, my arms looked really thin and toned. Yes, I was the most toned girl there. And yes, I was the only girl there who was wearing short shorts who DID NOT have cellulite. I was actually horrified to see the amount of cellulite on my two beautiful best friends. One is 5'10, D-cuped, modelled, and is the most beautiful girl for miles (I have to try extra hard to look good when I'm going out with her). But the cellulite on her thighs...When I came home, I told my mother how grateful I am that I have been "looking after myself" as to not have their cellulite and then ran to the mirror to make sure I didn't have any.
I feel like I'm more toned than the above picture...But I still think it's lovely. Anyway, my dad and little sister went away to a friend's cottage so I'm at home with my mom. I hope she makes plans and doesn't bother me much. I can't wait for university life, the parties, the people...I'm going to a more "tame" school, it's the second best school in Canada. But I'm still hoping it'll be fun, despite it's boring/civilized reputation.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Laying Low

Well, I got my period yesterday...like a week late. Whatever. This sucks, anyway. My energy levels are so low because I haven't been eating a lot and because it's that time of the month I NEED to eat more. It's like an impulse. I can't help it. And when I eat, I feel more alive. Two slices of bread and it's like this massive surge of energy flowing through my body. At the same time, it sickens me. I don't have a car anymore, it'll be in the shop for 1-2 weeks...This is bugging the hell out of me because now I can't drive to my running trail and I can't drive to the pool and I can't drive myself places to get out of eating at home. Lately, for me, it's gotten to a point, where eating is like a chore. I just don't feel like it anymore. Only if I'm doubled over with hunger pangs will I go eat something. Otherwise, I'm more than happy to lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking.
I really don't want to be average. I want to be thin. Thinner. I want to stand out. I want to be noticed by boys. So, here's to thinking thin.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

What A Drag

I have been thinking a lot about the things I wrote about in my previous post. I've been thinking hard. I've been trying to set my mind straight. Food is unnecessary! Food is unnecessary! I'm working on this...Today, I was driving and some man didn't brake in time and slammed into my bumper. I was happily on my way to ballet. Needless to say, I missed ballet. And I am extremely sad that this happened to me.
While I was walking today (in and out of the university workshop, to and from my car at the scene of the accident, and to and from my car at the police station) I was more aware than ever of my thunder thighs. They were just thundering around. I was so embarrassed of them as I walked. It was disgusting to feel my thighs thundering around like that. I'm not going to be wearing my short shorts for a while. I don't want to eat. I don't want to be so bored that I feel like eating. That's just stupid. So, tomorrow, I'm going to read and read East of Eden. I need to finish it before September. I'll just stay in my room all day and read and drink water to avoid eating. My parents won't bother me because of my accident, hopefully. I'm making a list of goals. The first goal is to eliminate the sources of fat in my diet. Those are: almond butter, chicken, beef, and olive butter.
The main thing is to realize that I DO NOT need to eat "that." I just don't. So, walk away. Don't be an idiot. I'll be back on track tomorrow. I need to get this right. I need to be 101 lb or less by September 1. I don't know what I am now, but I'm probably still 106. Gross. Anyway. I'm not feeling to optimistic these days. I need to get over that guy. The one in the band. It's not healthy.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

You Move Me Like I've Never Been Moved

I'm tired of going back and forth. I want to find my own space. My own space in life. I cannot keep yo-yo-ing between hundreds of different lives. I want something of my own. I need to find out exactly who I am. I need to discover that person and show the world who I really am. Going at the rate I am, I'll never have real friends, never find love...never have a happy ending...or a happy anything! I need to find and establish a sense of belonging to myself. Right now, I have no idea who the people raging inside my soul are. I am a hundred different people, depending on my mood or the people I'm around. I don't want to deal with that kind of strain on my soul anymore.
So, I need to sit down and think and write everything down. I need to figure out who I am once and for all. I do not want to eat. I don't want to binge. Ever. I hate eating junk. It turns me into a person I do not want to be. I don't want to be sad. Eating junk makes me sad. What possesses me to binge and make myself sad? I don't want that anymore. It's time for a permanent change.
Today is my witness. Everyone reading this is my witness. I will make this better. I will figure this out and shed this excess skin, this excess fat. I will be the person I've always wanted to be. I'll be beautiful. Thin. Self-controlled. That concert on Sunday night really has brought things into perspective for me. I wish I could have real friends. Ones like me. Who feel the same way about music. I don't remember the last time a boy liked me. It was almost 4 years ago, maybe. I don't even know boys, anymore. I want to be beautiful, in every possible way. I want to be around beautiful people. I want to see beauty in life. I want to feel magical. I hope things get better for me when I start university in September. I really hope so.
Lay low, dream high.

Monday, August 9, 2010

My Weekend of Passion

Saturday night, I went to the Something Corporate concert, which was completely magical. Last night, I went to a "little" show to see The Dangerous Summer and a few of my favourite local bands. It was quite possible the sweatiest concert I've ever been to. Also the craziest. It was so fun! I really like the lead singer of one of the bands. I've been seeing him at almost every single concert I've been to in the past two years, since he started promoting his music. Damn, he's so cute. Last night was the band's first show ever, and he looks even cuter when he's nervous! Anyway, I thought I might talk to him yesterday, but I didn't get a chance to. I'm really shy...
Anyway, I realized a very important thing during the concert. I was in the midst of a completely different passion. Music. Everyone there was passionate about the same thing: music. I used to be exactly like that, except I got side-tracked by my passion for weight-loss, thinness/beauty. But last night, I felt that passion for music again. That guy, the cute one, seeing him and his band play, then seeing him getting crazy, rocking out to The Dangerous Summer with the rest of the crowd made me realize that there is something better than food and weight-loss. Why should I always worry about what the hell I'm gonna eat or when I'm gonna work out or how I'm gonna avoid eating? There are other things to be passionate about. I don't need to eat. It shouldn't be a concern. This is the whole concept of the "starving artist" and "I feed on my thoughts, my passions." Find your passion and feed on it, even if it is starving.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Here's To A Good Weekend

Tonight I'm going to the Something Corporate reunion tour concert tonight in Toronto. Five years ago, I thought I'd never get to see them play live. I am so excited. Their music is beautiful. No dinner for me tonight, yes! And concerts are always a workout for me, dancing and jumping around. Slowly, but surely, I'm getting back on track. Slowly. I'm working on a plan that I'll write up on here, soon.
I hope all you lovelies are doing okay. I love reading all your blogs and hearing from all of you, it's so encouraging. Stay strong. Accomplish your goals. Always strive for the best! Nothing less than the best! And never, EVER let anyone bring you down. My mother always taught me when I was growing up to "always look out for number one: yourself." She regrets it now because I've become selfish and self-absorbed and I don't give a shit how my actions will affect others, I only care about myself. Anyway, that's not always the best way to be, but it's one way. And sometimes, I care way too much about others. I'm always one extreme or the other...

Friday, August 6, 2010

Food is Annoying

I've had enough of food for a while. I mean, in all honesty, for the past few days I have not felt like eating. But I HAVE eaten. I've eaten out of sheer fucking boredom. Last night, my mom asked me a hundred times if and where I wanted to go out for dinner. I did not feel like eating. I moaned and went on like, "Noooo, please, I'm not hungry....I don't want anything heavy..." But, of course, we went for pizza. A funny thing happened. Pay attention to this story. The two of us split a very small thin crust pizza. Mom ordered wings. Mom ate the wings being the overweight woman she is and left a quarter of her half of the pizza. She said she was full, but I know my mother and I didn't believe it. I ate my half of the pizza, no wings. I asked mom why she left that tiny slice. This is what she says: "Because I know you'll eat it." Jesus Christ. I was furious. My heart beat started beating faster and faster, like it does when I get angry. I said, "NO I'm NOT going to eat THAT. WHY would I eat it? Why? I don't even want it!!" This proves that my mother notices my "binges," how I give in to food when it's around. Needless to say, I didn't touch the pizza. I was very angry with my mother and myself for the rest of the night. First of all, I should have never invited my mother to come see a movie with me. Now I know. Unless I want to be as fat as her when I'm older. I felt so fat all night. I sat there watching Inception and I could feel the swell of my tummy, the fat on my thighs...My heart was racing with my increasing anger. I'm tired of being and feeling fat. Seriously.
So, from now on, I'll only eat when I genuinely feel like it. Genuinely. No more fat. No more entering the kitchen for no reason. Stay in room and read or exercise.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Harsh Realization

I don't know. I'm going to fix this. I promise. I wanted to slap my mother for saying good morning happily yesterday. The reason? I had just weighed in at...106 lb. I have to keep calm about this. I mean, what did I expect after a week's worth of binging? Anyway, I'm going to look back at all my journal entries from the week I lost 4.6 lb. I'm going to make a plan based on that and follow it. It was sooo easy and FUN, I remember that. I'm gonna spend as little time as possible in the kitchen. I'll look for excuses to get out of the house.
Anyway, I'm going to a university workshop for first-years today. I am really nervous about starting uni in September. I really want to be less than 100 lb by then! I bought these little lace bras the other day. Only girls with tiny breasts can wear them. I can wear them, and I bought them because I know my breasts are only going to get smaller. I spent the whole day shopping in Toronto yesterday. I feel like I'm done shopping for a while. I just need to focus on losing weight, now.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Fight is Fixed

I want blue skies and sunny days. I want a pond with little streams flowing into it. I want to wear pretty little dresses and look completely tiny wearing them. I want to see the ocean. I want a secret cove where I can think and day-dream. I wish I could see beauty and inspiration where I live. But, sadly, where I live lacks beauty and inspiration. Except the golf course. I think I should spend more time on the porch. Because, as much as I hate where we live, the golf course is really beautiful. My house backs onto the hole with the pond. Anyway. I am finding myself utterly repulsive, so I am looking for beauty elsewhere. Nature. Fashion. Photography. Painting. I wish I hadn't messed up [eating wise] this whole week. If I hadn't I'd be so much happier, lighter...We live and learn.
I have been extremely lazy the past few days. The long walk around the city of Toronto on Thursday night caused my legs to be sore for 2 days! Now, they're better and I can start working out again. But the problem is, my schedule is really full for a while. It sucks. One of my biggest fears about going out with people is eating. That is self-explanatory. I have university activities scattered around the rest of the month. I am really nervous. I'm a university student. Wow. I swear, life will be so good. I swear. I'm going to get that in writing from myself. I will be a better person to myself. Only do good things for myself. I won't eat things that I'll regret later. I am smarter. Dedicated. I am in control. I have power over myself. Cool.
I am going to go shopping today, tomorrow, whenever I can this month. I want the model-off-duty (MOD) look. I will achieve that so much easier when my BMI is less than 17, when I'm less than 100 pounds. When I'm thin and lovely. Then I will be able to do anything. I sit and await and day dream about that day.