Keep Calm And Carry On

I have lost 5 lb this week. Here's how it works. I've been eating 400-500 calories everyday, and my only carbs (grains) come from half a cup of whole grain muesli in the morning and two tablespoons of rice in the evening. BUT, I have been letting myself have 50 calories of chocolate each night because that way I don't crave it or binge. I have been burning 200-400 calories each day. I stretch everyday. I feel great.

My parents are extremely annoying, but for the most part, I simply ignore them. I gave up bread for Lent, and my stupid dad was like, "You can hardly give up bread, you're so thin, you really are." I said, "Oh, my GOD," and dropped it. I'm not going to argue or explain myself, even though I have logical reasons. They KNOW that I binge on bread and that it's the only thing making me maintain/gain weight. They also know that I'm not thin, but the last thing they want is me losing weight. Even if I was overweight, they wouldn't want me losing weight for fear I'd go back to being anorexic. Those motherfuckers, I hate them so much, they know nothing about anything. *Keep calm and carry on.*

I think my parents want to take us out for dinner before the concert tonight. I'll get something light, I'm really not in the mood to screw up my progress. I'm hoping to lose at least 2 more lb by Tuesday. I'm gonna burn soooo many calories jumping around at the show tonight...!

Resistance

Okay. I've lost 3 lb since Wednesday. Awesome. Will power is at it's peak. And it's here to STAY. I read, exercise, read, exercise, dance, read, dance, push-ups, read, dance, snack. That's pretty much all I do. I like doing those things, so it's not a problem. I've been fat-free for the past 3 days, and that's how I plan to stay. I never ever want to go back to eating carbs, binging on bread and butter, gaining weight...I will never let myself sink that low again. That has been embedded in my mind. Yesterday, I made my mother a coffee cake out of the goodness of my heart. She's obsessed with coffee cake. The last time I made coffee cake, I ended up bingeing on half of it. This time, I picked a crumb off, ate it, decided it was good, and walked away. I am strong.

Tonight is my godmother's Christmas party. Her husband is a chef, a good one. I'm not sure what they're serving. Sometimes at their parties we have elegant sit-down gourmet dinners, sometimes he makes a buffet. Whatever it is tonight, I hope I can get away with eating only a heap load of veggies and maybe a tiny portion of meat. They always comment on my eating... Anyway, I think I'm capable of losing 3-5 more lb by Christmas! I'm going hold my power tightly. I can't let it go, I won't slip. I'll be thin.

Thou Shall Not Gain Weight

I actually don't even know why I eat. Yuck. I feel like shit for eating all that almond butter just a minute ago. I'm gonna ditch dinner tonight. Since I don't have my car for the time being, my mom will have to drive me to ballet tonight at 5:30 and my dad will pick me up at 7 30. My class ends at 7, so I'll just feed my parents a story that I got hungry waiting for a ride so I had a poppy seed bagel with cream cheese from the cafe. That will get me out of dinner. I'll eat half of the whole wheat spaghetti my mom made especially for me for lunch, and flush the other half down the toilet. I'll have an apple before ballet. Lately, I haven't been getting enough fruits and veggies.

And, oh, crap! My dad is taking our whole stupid family to the beach tomorrow. I love the beach. I hate the food. There is no way I am going to get out of eating a goddam burger tomorrow. It's just not gonna happen. Dammit. Last week, I managed to get us out of going to the beach because of the car accident. I hope it rains like mad tomorrow. I really don't want that burger...Hopefully I can get away with eating half of it, or just the bun, or...I don't even know. Or I can "take a long walk" after eating and purge somewhere in the woods. I just cannot bear to ruin the progress I've made in the past 3 days. I love being able to feel my ribs as I slide my hands down my side. I love my hip bones and tiny wrists. It's also nice to feel comfortable about wearing a tank top because of my toned arms.

Since I'll be extra early and saying later after ballet tonight, I'll buy a day pass for the gym and use the cardio machines for as long as I can. Damn, I'm motivatied to lose weight.

102.5

Melissa, you were right! The 'binge' probably sped up my metabolism because I woke up this morning and weighed-in at 102.5 lb! Yay, no more 103s! I'm thrilled. But still, I cannot stand the sight of my hips. It's horrifying to look in the mirror and see how wide they are. I pinch my hips and I still need to lose at least another 2 inches off them. I hate looking at my hips before I shower, I really do. Moving on. I am happy with my life and the way it's turning out. I can't stress that enough! It's a nice change. I'm so much happier now than I was March to mid-June, when I was gaining weight like crazy and neglecting health. I feel good about myself noq. All 102.5 lb! My clothes are loose and my muscles are fairly prominent. I bought a skipping rope yesterday, and I'm gonna take Rachel's suggestion and try skipping, since 15 minutes burns 128 calories.
I've agreed with my mom to go to the doctor's for a physical, which we do annually before school. The only reason I said okay is because I don't want my family getting suspicious and I KNOW that once university starts I'll be losing a shitload of weight. Life will be good. I'll be so thin that I'll be able to glide, float through rooms. I'll read lots of books, make good friends, study everyday, do my homework, and workout every single day on account of the amazing gym at University of Toronto. I'll be beautiful, graceful, intelligent, and friendly. My family won't bother me. "Alisha, we're going to soandso's for a Christmas party." "I can't I have a HUGE test tomorrow." "Alisha, get ready we're going out for dinner." "I CAN'T I have to finish this paper for Monday." Muahahahah. My parents want to go out for dinner today, which I'm fine with because I've been craving a fine dinner. I don't have to eat everything, anyway.

Thinking Thin and Satisfying a Craving

I am absolutely in love with losing weight. I love feeling thinner. I love noticing the change in my body. I love my new energy. I love exercising and feeling better about myself. Confidence is a lovely thing to have. It feels good to be in the 103 lb range. This is where I was before March, when the binge eating started. But that phase is over, and I am a stronger person. I am smarter, I have goals, and I am in control.
Went to dinner last night for a friends 18th birthday. All the girls were ordering pizzas, tacos, quesadillas...I felt like I would look like a "calorie-girl" if I ordered the tandoori salmon salad (even though it's my fav thing there!). So I got pulled-pork sliders. Not too bad, 3 mini burgers. Then I was dumb and ordered dessert. Sticky toffee pudding a la mode. Dammit. Went to the washroom and purged most of everything.
Woke up this morning as thin as the days before. I did strength training today. I did some shoulder moves that are meant for guys. After, I realized that my shoulders are getting too broad with that move, so I'm gonna drop that move from my routine to avoid looking manly. After all, I'm going for a thin, delicate, feminine look.
I've discovered a good way to satisfy my chocolate/sugar craving: low-fat chocolate milk! It's so good. And just after a workout...Anyway, I'm craving junk less and less. It might have something to do with the increase in my hours of sleep.

Expectations

Some days, I just fail so miserably, that I don't want to continue anymore. I think about starting over the next day, but it all just seems so overwhelming and those are the times I think "Fuck it." The problem is that attitude. I want to get in the 90s so bad. I want to lose the fat on my thighs and hips so bad. But I'm expecting too much too soon. So I need to take it slower. I need to realize that it will take longer than a week to see results. Duh. If I am 106 lb right now, a reasonable goal is to be 100 in less than 3 weeks. Completely doable. So losing 2 lb a week should be expected. Expected.
I'm going to try this new thing where every time I lose 4 pounds, I will buy myself a lovely bracelet. I have my eye on a lovely one from Coach.
It's Father's Day and we are having lobster for dinner. I just had a pretty big lunch, something I said I wouldn't have. If I eat too much dinner, I'm definitely going to try purging that. Yesterday I tried to purge some cookies, but only yucky stomach acid came out. It was awfully horrible.

Searching

I bought the book Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher yesterday, and I am 40 pages through it. I am thoroughly interested in it. It made me think about myself and my situation and my life with an eating disorder. I am trying to look back and think about underlying causes, things that had built up, how all this started.

So, this morning, I opened my April 26, 2008-November 17,2009 journal. Flipped through it. Read excerpts, pages, days. I remember the first time I stuck my finger down my throat and induced vomiting, but I never wrote it down (that record is on my xanga site); it was July 8, 2008. It just killed me inside when I read that in November 2008 I was 95 lb. Back in those days, I purged almost everything.
It has occurred to me that the reason that I am going completely crazy these days, crying randomly and fighting the urge to scream out loud and such, is because there is so much on my mind. School, chemistry, final exams, friends, weight, food, university...I barely have time to think about myself. Not thinking about myself is what is causing my insanity. How can I manage myself if I don't even make time to think about myself.

Wow, I'm messed up. More on this subject later. One more week of school left...

To be or not to be (normal, that is).

I want to lose 5 pounds in 2 weeks. I'm running and eating healthy. I NEED to do this. I NEED to lose AT LEAST 5 lb. I want to be thin. I want to be envied. I wan to stand out. I want to be perfect. I want to be stared at wherever I go. I want the body of a model. I want my six pack back. I want to be beautiful.

I went for a check up with my doctor on Tuesday. She weighed me. She was happy to know that I weighed-in at 112 pounds. What the... That's probably because right before the appointment I had eaten lunch and drank a bottle of water. At least, I hope that's why I weighed-in so high. There's no way I'm 112...Anyway, the doctor told me that 112 is where I was 2 years ago, before my ED. A year and a half ago, I was 95 lb...I want to be back there...None of this average girl bullshit. I don't want to be normal.

I got Hydroxycut Max Advanced for Women. I started it yesterday. So far so good. Let's see where this goes.

New Take?

Okay, the new plan is to cut out ALL fat from my intake. Like, fat just grosses me out. I really am sick of seeing it on my body and thinking about it makes my stomach churn. Ew, fat. I want to be leaner, so decreasing my fat intake should to the trick. I mean usually, my intake consists of over 25 grams of fat! That's disgusting, especially since my protein intake is around only around 40 grams...

So tomorrow:
-minimal/no fat
-workout for an hour
-aim for 600 calories.

And I'm thinking about getting Hydroxycut, to jump-start my weight-loss. Have any of you angels tried it? Tell me about it, if you have experience with it.
No fat. No fat. No more refined carbs. No refined sugar. No fat! No more self-destruction!

That's it

I've had enough of binging.
I mean, I've had enough!
I was so good last week. Between the 19th and the 23rd I lost almost 2 pounds. I gained three pounds over the weekend.
I don't know why I "yo-yo" like this.

I want to be thin and frail and...perfect so bad!
I want my arms to look like sticks, like the way they did when I was bulimic last year.
Since losing my gag reflex, I've gained a lot...
But I can get over this! I can become skinny!

There are 25 days until my birthday. I want to lose 10 pounds by then. 10 pounds.
I need to stop binging. Stop eating junk. I need to get it into my head!
I'm getting so fat with all this binging! I don't want to be 106 pounds! I want to be in the 90s! I want to be thin...that's all. I feel so worthless. Like nothing is more important than being thin. I think, I will starve myself tomorrow. Only fruits and vegetables, if I'm really hungry.

Remember what you want, darling. Remember what is more important. Being thin will feel way better than that chocolate will ever taste.

Boney arms and protruding hip bones <3

Two pounds down.

Ahh, messed up day 4 of ABC yesterday. Instead of 400 cals, I had a little over 600. Stupid. It was dumb...

So I'll start again tomorrow. Except this time I won't be as lenient. No more than 50 calories over the daily budget.
Tomorrow budget is 500 calories.
I really like the ABC diet. I really noticed the difference in a few days! I am grateful for my fast metabolism.

Anyway, I weighed myself yesterday (I couldn't resist!) and I was 105.5 lb. That's two pounds down from last Sunday. Yay! I'll weigh in, again, tomorrow morning because Sunday is always a weigh-in day.

To-do:
-french ISU paragraph-brouillon
-english ISU points
-FINISH CHEMISTRY NOTES