Monday, February 28, 2011

When did she get so hot?


As I'm posting this, I'm surprised it only has 330 views. I guess it was just uploaded. In any case, I'm making this song and this lady my inspiration for the week. 600 calories is obviously too much for me. I'm happier living off 400 or less. I'm happier when I'm getting thinner.

Oh yes, I've hit over 200 followers! Hello, petals!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Day 3 and Spaghetti Squash

I'm not gonna lie, it's extremely difficult to focus while eating 200 calories a day. I'm studying for a biology midterm and it's like I'm staring at my notes, but nothing's happening. Like, I have been staring at this one page for 15 minutes and nothing is getting through to my mind; I can't focus properly. But it's all good once I pop a couple raspberries in my mouth or have a cup of green tea. Despite the fact that I can't focus as well, I am not tired. It's like I'm in this state of hunger-induced insomnia/mania. So I can stay up as late as it takes to study, without getting sleepy. And it's so trippy. I was looking at my bulletin board, and it doesn't look like the paper is pinned to it; everything is floating. But I mean, that goes away once I eat something, like a strawberry. I am so proud of myself. Total intake for today was 207 calories.
Tomorrow is a 600 day! Dad is barbecuing lemon pesto chicken breasts, which I'll eat with a salad. And I'll get to have a long-awaited 200-calorie sweet bun for lunch. I'm allowed. See how fun 246 is?! You never feel deprived, so you don't feel like bingeing because you can eat in a couple days! Okay, so, I made spaghetti squash for lunch today. Cut in half, scrape out seeds/strings, bake cut side down in 375F oven for an hour, scrape out spaghetti strands from peel inwards. Eat with tomato sauce. Satisfying. One cup is 42 cals, but I was full with half a cup! I'm so excited to eat more than 200 cals tomorrow...I just want to put out there that being able to eat 600 calories doesn't mean I can eat 600 calories of junk. I have to make them count. Eat good calories. I'm losing weight consistently. This is good.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Day 2

Day 2 of 246 is complete. Total intake: 420 cals. I was so scared I was going to end up having to eat a FULL meal with my family, but I think my mom noticed I didn't eat much yesterday due to the lack of veggies at home so she made up for that by cooking okra for me. She makes it so delicious! And I can get away with eating a plate of only that for dinner. I love 246! I just feel so happy on it, and it's flexible! For instance, I just keep telling myself, 'You can't have that today, but tomorrow you can eat it!' All I have to do it get though the 200 day. The 600 (even the 400 days) are days to look forward to, so I try to stay strong on the 200 days. One day does not last very long. I'm already noticing my tummy go down, but that's minor. I can't wait until real results show up! And I await the day that the scale shows less than 105 lb.
I'm a little unsure about Saturday/Sunday. My parents will not be home on Saturday, but their plan is to have a family dinner on Sunday. Tomorrow is supposed to be a 600 day, but I'm switching it to a 200 day. Just in case I end up having to eat dinner with my family, Sunday will be a 600 day. Last night, I finished eating by 6, and I was starving while studying at 11 PM. But I started playing solitaire, which I get REALLY into, and I got too tired to leave my room to eat. It's all about distractions. It's nearly 7 PM, and my eating is done for the day. I have to remind myself. I will succeed this time.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Starting 2-4-6

Inspired by a friend who lost 15 lb in two weeks by doing the 246 diet, I've started it. She told me that the best thing is to plan out meals and eating times for each day. So that's what I've done, and honestly, I am so excited. My eating plan is so pretty and yummy and easy to follow and completely fool-proof! As well, I've come to terms with hunger and how it's something that comes and goes, and it's just something that I'll have to deal with. Hunger doesn't tell me when to eat; my eating plan does. Today's a 200 day. I've had muesli, yogurt, and raspberries for breakfast (85 cals) and I just had a yogurt (35 cals). I'm not sure what I'm gonna do, but I can either have some egg whites or an apple for dinner. I am going to STICK to this diet. My friend managed to do 17 days without messing up. I'm going to attempt cooking, like roasting vegetables or spaghetti squash, just to make things fun. Imagining myself when I'm thin is so exciting! I can't wait to succeed.
This is Karlie Kloss and she is my favourite model. Ever. I've been so tempted to do a Karlie post with the hundreds of photos I have of her, but she's just so lovely, you have to post her sparingly...if that makes any sense...I'm gonna tag all the posts I have with Karlie from now on, haha.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Life's What You Make It

Clubbing is stupid. Clubbing is stupid. I'm never going clubbing again. For the rest of my life. I knew it. I knew that it wouldn't be for me. I'm not that kind of person, UNLESS I have vodka. Motherfucking Jersey Shore-type of guy comes up and started grinding away, like fuuuuck, and my friend told me to just go along if that happens so I did for a while. And the whole time I felt so violated and dirty and...wrong [for me]. It was not my thing. After a couple minutes I stopped. After 30 minutes at the stupid club, I told my girls I was going to leave and that I can't stay unless I have the alcohol and they just stared at me like I was some sort of freak and I bolted. Pushing though hundreds of people. Running and slipping outside though the fresh 3 cm of snow, dashed into a cab to Union Station, missed the 10:20 bus by three minutes, caught the 11:20 bus, and day-dreamed until I got home at 1:20 AM. I know who I am and I'm happy to be me. I'm happy to be a loner rather than go clubbing.
I want to make my life feel the way I feel when I look at pictures/videos of Karlie Kloss. It's the last week of February and I'm making it count. Major restriction in effect for this whole week. It's reading week, so I have the week off school and I plan to "practice" starvation so that my body will be "used" to it by the time I go back. I've had 100 calories of yogurt and raspberries so far. Today, I am strong and will ignore hunger pangs. I have a goal in mind and I plan to accomplish it. I am going to turn heads. My life is centered around controlling what I eat and how I look. It is the root behind why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do. I am embracing it, "embracing ana" because it is my life and I have to fulfill a need. Therefore I cannot eat that junk. Today will be lovely, just like this whole week off.
I hope everyone is doing okay. xo

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Lezzzzz Go Clubbin'

I'm going clubbing for the first time in my life. I am so scared I think I'm gonna shit my pants. I'm slightly underage (3 months away from being 19) but my friend's friend is a promoter so I'm getting in. I am so nervous, oh, my God. As fat as I've gotten, I managed to wear something that makes me look pretty and kinda slim. I'm so nervous, aahhhhh! Wish me luck. I'm not the partying type, and I should have declined the invitation, but I acted in the moment and it's too late to back out now. I'm driving everyone to the train station so if I wanna leave early (which I probably will), everyone's gonna have to leave with me, which I feel horrible about. And I am most likely going to be breaking my parents' 1 AM curfew. Jeeze. But I'll try to stay calm tonight. I'm growing. This is partof the process (I think).

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I Am Not A Robot

As a girl who goes to the gym close to every single day, I see it all. I know the regulars, which trainers work when, specific routines people have... I see all sorts of people at the gym. And I analyze them. I'm not gonna go into details, but there's just this one thing I want to put out there. You get the overweight boys/men, who sweat for 5 minutes on the treadmill and spend 2 hours going from machine to machine every Monday; they walk out of the change rooms eating chocolate bars. Then you get the overweight girls who spend an hour dripping all over the elliptical twice a week, and walk out of the change rooms drinking Cokes. Here's where it gets good. Then you get these slim lovely girls running on the treadmill (at most three times/week), their perfectly ponytailed hair swishing from side to side. They're beautiful, pretty fit, and they have maintained this figure since September. Then you get girls like me. We hit the gym every single day, up to 10 hours per week, yet we manage to gain 12 lb between December and January. I make myself sick.
Like I said, I'm moving past the person I used to be. I'm making a commitment to controlling this. I control my body. Hunger does not control me. Food does not control me. Mind over matter. I am going to be everything I said I'd be this year. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I have a little agoraphobia going on. I don't know how to fix it and, yes, I'm afraid it'll ruin life for me, but all I really NEED to do right now is lose 15 lb. Let's just focus on one thing at a time. Maybe if I lose 15 lb, I'll be less afraid of leaving the house and being around people. Maybe that'll fix it.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Change

Things are getting better now that I've dropped calculus. The beauty of the world is starting to find its way back into my eyes. I feel better. About everything. Still fat, however. But that's changing. I want control over my body, again. I want to feel better in public. I want to be thin. That's all. I want to be boney. Skeletal. I want to float. Without calculus, I now have time to hit the gym every single day. This is so wonderful. But my main problem is over-eating when I come home in the evening. That won't happen tomorrow. It won't because I won't let it happen. I'm changing my life. I have no excuse. My goal was to lose 4 lb this week, but I'm changing it to 2 lb to be realistic.
This is happening. This is going to happen. I will reach 93 lb before I turn 19 on May 24, if it's the last thing I do. I am making this commitment, now. I don't need to eat. I was flipping through my journals today and I realized that I am nothing like the way I thought I'd be this year. Well, like I said, I'm changing my life. Eating makes me feel powerless and out of control. That's disgusting. Well, YOU KNOW what's going down tomorrow. Let's see how controlled I can be. Tomorrow: NO CARBS, NO FAT. I am so sore from all this working out. And ballet class was killer. But I have to fucking lose weight, I'm sick of feeling fat all the time.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I Dropped Calculus.

Damn straight.

More time to do well in my other subjects more time to lose weight.

Friday, February 11, 2011

My Arm Workout

I don't want to throw up anymore I don't want to throw up any more I don't want to throw up any more! It hurts. It's gross. It takes so much effort. It messes with your body more than starving does. In my psychology lecture today, I learned that the bile and stomach acids that pass through your mouth when you vomit eat away at your teeth (which I already knew), but it causes the enamel wears away and once the enamel goes, it's GONE. Forever. And after that, your teeth only last 5-10 years. Oh, god, I literally started shaking when the prof said that. I don't want to throw up anymore. I'm going to put a page in my thinspo book about this issue and how to deal with it.
This has been the most controlled week of 2011 for me. I will say that I binged today. (I purged.) But I'm over that. I went to the gym this morning for TWO hours, burning 460 calories. I did ballet when I got home, burning another 50. Flat tummy, thin arms, and boney chest. Even at my lowest weight of 90 lb, I didn't have a thigh gap. So I'm not gonna fret too much about something that's probably 100% genetics (fucking MOM). My goal for the upcoming week is to NOT binge or purge, and focus on staying as strong as possible on less than 500 calories/day.
Karlie, Karlie, Karlie, Karlie. Anyway, several of you asked for my arm work out since I posted my guns picture. Before I start any workout, I do 25 minutes of cardio.
Day 1: Triceps= (10 triceps extensions 12 lb+10 advanced triceps dips+10 triceps kickbacks 5 lb) x 3.
Day 2: Back and biceps= (10 bicep curls 10 lb +10 reverse flyes 5 lb +10 hammer curls 10 lb+12 single bent-over rows 15 lb) x 3.
Day 3: Shoulders= 20 push ups+ (10 lateral raises 5 lb+10 front raises 5 lb +10 shoulder presses 10 lb) x 3.
Take note of the weights I use. I can't stand the bullshit that says girls should use lower weights and do higher reps for tone. You are NOT going to get bulky with heavy weights, you don't have the testosterone for it! Build some strength! Fucking 3 lb weights I see girls use at the gym...hahahha. Oh and between each set, I do some form of cardio, like 20 jump squats or 15 burpees. Let it be noted that I work out more than 3 days/week, but the same muscle group shouldn't be targeted on consecutive days. Good luck, everyone! I just want to say that your comments mean so so much to me. I love this community so much. For real.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Fun Fact

My psychology text book has just informed me that "Vomiting prevents the absorption of only about half of recently consumed food, and laxatives and diuretics have negligible impact of caloric intake, so people suffering from bulimia nervosa typically maintain a reasonably normal weight." Just putting that out there.

I took today off to study for my calculus test, which is tomorrow which I haven't studied all week for, which I'm probably going to fail anyway, which means I am most likely going to drop the course and take it in the summer or next year. Better than bringing my GPA down...

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

New Diet and a Starbucks Catastrophe

I'm was sick of my own bullshit so I created a diet that I am planning on doing for 10 days. For some reason, knowing that I'm doing an experiment that I cannot mess up on is extremely motivating, since I want to know the exact results. I hope the diet goes well, so I can post before/after pics with my "success" story. Wouldn't it be amazing to be a thinspiration?! I've been super good all week with my eating and exercise. I cap my intake at 500 calories and exercise everyday, without fail. My abs/obliques are visible without flexing. My arms look thinner. My tummy is flat again! I'm going to shrink. I'm going to be lovely and tiny. The cutest girl around. I'll be able to wear anything. I'll look adorable in over-sized sweaters. I won't sweat. I'll be pure, fat-free. This is gonna get good.
Today, I was talking to a friend and she brought up those new vanilla tea lattes from Starbucks. She was all like, "We have to go to Starbucks, NOW!" I was hesitant, so I looked up the nutrition content online and decided that I'd be safe if I got it non-fat and sugar-free. It's just skim milk with a vanilla tea bag... So I got one with her. It was amazing. I was shocked at how good something non-fat and sugar-free tasted. We went to the library. I finished half the drink. Then I looked at the cup where they write what you ordered. Mine said "VRL" for Vanilla Rooibos Tea Latte. My friend's said "N CH" for Non-fat Chai Tea Latte. MY CUP WAS MISSING THE "N" for non-fat and "SFV" for sugar-free vanilla!!!!!!!! Oh, shit, you can imagine, I went all ape-shit with my friend and she told me he probably just forgot to write it down. No. I could trust it. What if it was WHOLE MILK!?! I told her I had to dash to class. I dashed to the bathroom. Tried to throw up. Failed. I dashed all the way to my class, bouncing like an idiot and lifting my knees extra-high on stairs. Had to burn those calories, ew. I felt so fat, though. I couldn't understand it, but it's how I felt.
Moral of the story is to DOUBLE CHECK if they got your order right. No harm in asking. Anyway, I burned 360 calories when I got home. Still thin. I hope I'm losing weight. I told myself I wouldn't weigh in until Sunday. So I've been resisting.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Disappointment Beyond Explanation

I got 5 out of 15 in my economics test. My mark has gone down by 10%. I studied hard. I have no explanation for what happened. I deserve nothing anymore. Nothing. I am so disappointed. How am I going to punish myself... No more shopping. Until April. That camera you were just about to buy online, you can't have it. Uggs? You can't buy them anymore. All those clothes you put in your shopping cart on shopbop.com, delete. You don't deserve them. Today I am going to do cardio for 30 minutes, wash and straighten my hair, and study. I'm not gonna eat more than 300 calories today. In fact, I'm just gonna have an apple mid-day and that'll be all. Family is out tonight, so I'll be home alone. I am just so disappointed. This just shows how much harder I'll have to work than I already am...

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Let Me See Your Guns

Chinese New Year steam boat dinner tonight. Year of the rabbit. I will not eat carbs, meat, or dessert. Only vegetables in the soup. I am strong. I will not let a night full of chocolate ruin my weekend. I'm putting up a fight against negativity. And I'm gonna win. I've got the guns, see?
I am currently having a passionate love affair with my Stairmaster.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Surreal

I can't begin to tell you how "surreal" I feel. I feel like I finally have an idea as to who I want to be as a person. I realize that I just hate eating. I hate the thought. I hate the feeling. And don't get me started the SOUND of eating. I prefer eating alone. That's probably because I feel ashamed to eat. Or it could be because eating is when I actually have time to sit quietly and sit about myself and my life. Today started off great. I got up hella early, 6:30 Am for my 8 AM economics test. After, I went to the gym for an hour. I went to the a campus cafeteria to get something because I had no food, and purchased a parfait. I took two bites and realized that I had no idea what the nutrition info was. I stopped eating and did some intense thinking. I pulled out my laptop and did some intense research. After about 20 minutes, I came to the conclusion that the parfait was not something I should be eating. It was probably full of sugar and fat (from the granola) and the yogurt probably wasn't non-fat. I threw it out.
I went to my psychology lecture and I knew we'd be learning about psychological disorders, but I didn't think the lecture would affect me as much as it did. He was talking about all these disorders. And he talked about eating disorders. And he made a speech about how people with eating disorders don't seek out help and don't want to get better because "ED is like their safety, it's what they know, it's their best friend, they like having that control..." I know it sounds silly, but I felt...exposed, upset. Even talking about the other disorders reminded me of my own. If you really examine about symptoms/signs, you will notice that eating disorders are, essentially, every psychological disorder (aside from schizophrenia) mashed into one poor human, with the addition of disordered eating. The signs of other disorders are just more discreet in ED individuals.
Anyway. I am at home. I'm going to relax, shut off my computer and all other electronics for the night and rest. My dad's birthday dinner is tonight. I got my period, I'm tired, moody, I have a headache, I'm hungry, my muscles are ACHING from all my exercise this week... I'll just fake smiles for dad. Oh, and I want to shout out to Amy, Harley, and Adeline. Thank-you so so much for nominating me for Honest Scrap. I'm gonna quote Adeline, here but, I love you all as much as I love anyone in real life.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Just Some Personal Motivation

I will not eat. I won't give in to those temptations or those cravings. I won't because I have weight to lose. I have a goal to reach. Next time I get the urge to snack, I'll fight it. Hunger passes. It always does. Eating makes me feel depressed, sluggish, lazy, and tired. When I barely eat, I feel alive, active, and happy. I don't like the way eating food makes me feel. All it does is take away hunger for a short period of time, but hunger goes away on its own anyway! I don't want to feel sluggish. I want to feel alive all the time so I can focus on my homework, study harder, stay up later into the night. So I can be motivated to live my life.
We got 30 cm of snow overnight so my university cancelled all classes for the day. I'm home. My whole family is home. I hate when my daily routine is ruined, but I'll deal with this. It's good practice for weekends. Mom was all like, "We're gonna eat lunch together since the whole family is home!" I was like, "Uh, I don't think so mom..." I plan on eating an apple at 3:30. Pilates for 30 minutes and the stairmaster for 30 minutes from 4:30-5:30. Vegetables and some chicken for dinner at 6. Yogurt at 9. C'est tout. Today will be a day of productivity.