I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday

I can't see myself having time to work out this week and that makes me sad.  It's just that I have two tests: Italian on Wednesday and Calculus on Friday.  I really want to do SUPER well on these tests.  I want to feel good about myself.  Classes end in exactly one week and I want to spend Christmas holidays getting into shape and feeling proud of myself, like I deserve a good time.  So I'll forfeit the exercise this week and just focus on my studies and eating healthy.  Once Friday comes around, I'll be in the gym almost every day!  I can't wait.  It's a sure bet because I'll be all done and caught up with school.  My goal is to be AT MOST 109 lb by Christmas.  That's 5 lb to lose.  Totally possible.

I got closure from M. On Friday, we did a Skype call and decided to go out and get McFlurries and meet back on Skype in 15 minutes. We did and it was so fun and so random! We talked on webcam for FIVE HOURS, until 3 AM. I was sneakily trying to get information out of her for my own benefit.  I got closure from her. I am okay with just being her friend. I am happy that she's got a gf now (even though I know M two-timed this poor girl with me). I no longer feel as though M and I have unfinished business. I am happy with our friendship. On Saturday, we were on Skype again and I helped her pick out an outfit for clubbing. (Fucking hell, she's so cute, I loved watching her try on different sweaters.) On Sunday, we Skyped AGAIN for 5 hours, just talking at first, then she watched Breaking Dawn online and gave me random commentaries on it while I studied Italian.

114 lb

The scale has gone down!  I weighed-in at 114 lb today.  That's pretty good, seeing as I got my period yesterday and I only worked out twice this whole week (I was too depressed about the M drama to work out).  My eating is really good.  But maybe that's because my appetite has vanished.  I never feel like eating...I always force myself to eat every 3 hours because I know I have to.  The M drama has been resolved.  On Thursday night, I sent her a long-ass essay apologizing and explaining my situation.  She replied on Facebook chat last night saying that she accepts my apology.  Then she apologized for her part, which pleased me.  Soon we were chatting like we did before we got together.  She asked me if I was seeing this girl because she noticed our fb posts.  (So she's creeping my fb, eh...) I didn't say anything, but my sneakiness caused M to believe that we're seeing each other and that I've kissed her.  M has a girlfriend now, so I'm glad she thinks I've kissed this girl.

Eventually we got on webcam on Skype, and we started laughing and created a kissing map, starting with us, showing how we've indirectly kissed almost everyone in the LGBT group on campus. We had a lot of fun doing it. Pretty soon, it felt like we were talking the way we did when we were together.  I was like, what's she playing at!?  We're FRIENDS...I was finding it all very funny and I just went with it. She admitted that she considered me a girlfriend, which shocked me.  By 1AM, she was sending me depressing-as-hell videos on youtube, and was like, "watch this with me."  So we'd watch these videos together and she'd be on the verge of tears, her eyes all watery and red.  She wanted to get emotional with me, cry with me.  I didn't know what to think.  We talked until 2:45 AM.  It would've gone on had I not stopped it.  What's making me feel weird, is that she has a girlfriend.  If I were her girlfriend, I would NOT want her talking the way she did with me last night to another girl.

Whatever.  I have a date on Tuesday with this new girl.  I'm happy that there's no more drama.  I actually slept last night, for the first time in a week.  I am losing weight at a healthy pace.  Next week will be awesome.  I'll be working out everyday.  I've dropped chemistry, so that stress is gone.  Life is beautiful once more.

New Diet and a Starbucks Catastrophe

I'm was sick of my own bullshit so I created a diet that I am planning on doing for 10 days. For some reason, knowing that I'm doing an experiment that I cannot mess up on is extremely motivating, since I want to know the exact results. I hope the diet goes well, so I can post before/after pics with my "success" story. Wouldn't it be amazing to be a thinspiration?! I've been super good all week with my eating and exercise. I cap my intake at 500 calories and exercise everyday, without fail. My abs/obliques are visible without flexing. My arms look thinner. My tummy is flat again! I'm going to shrink. I'm going to be lovely and tiny. The cutest girl around. I'll be able to wear anything. I'll look adorable in over-sized sweaters. I won't sweat. I'll be pure, fat-free. This is gonna get good.

Today, I was talking to a friend and she brought up those new vanilla tea lattes from Starbucks. She was all like, "We have to go to Starbucks, NOW!" I was hesitant, so I looked up the nutrition content online and decided that I'd be safe if I got it non-fat and sugar-free. It's just skim milk with a vanilla tea bag... So I got one with her. It was amazing. I was shocked at how good something non-fat and sugar-free tasted. We went to the library. I finished half the drink. Then I looked at the cup where they write what you ordered. Mine said "VRL" for Vanilla Rooibos Tea Latte. My friend's said "N CH" for Non-fat Chai Tea Latte. MY CUP WAS MISSING THE "N" for non-fat and "SFV" for sugar-free vanilla!!!!!!!! Oh, shit, you can imagine, I went all ape-shit with my friend and she told me he probably just forgot to write it down. No. I could trust it. What if it was WHOLE MILK!?! I told her I had to dash to class. I dashed to the bathroom. Tried to throw up. Failed. I dashed all the way to my class, bouncing like an idiot and lifting my knees extra-high on stairs. Had to burn those calories, ew. I felt so fat, though. I couldn't understand it, but it's how I felt.

Moral of the story is to DOUBLE CHECK if they got your order right. No harm in asking. Anyway, I burned 360 calories when I got home. Still thin. I hope I'm losing weight. I told myself I wouldn't weigh in until Sunday. So I've been resisting.

It's Over

Okay, that's it. I'm way to sad to deal with all this shit. I had enough experience dealing with bullies, being stood up, let down and back-stabbed when I was 14. I shut down my emotions after leaving that school. But I never lost faith in humanity. There was always a part of me that believed that one day I'd be okay, I'd be happy, and I'd have real friends one day. But now I'm in university. Nothing's different. And my faith in humanity is diminishing. I haven't found happiness or friends yet. During orientation week, I introduced a friend from my high school to another friend and now the two of them are closer than either of them ever were to me. They had invited me to go clubbing with them on Thursday, but never got back to me on the details. Now their Facebook statuses are like "riding through Toronto in a limo, singing at the top of our lungs, taking pics with strangers at the CN Tower and dancing the night away...best night of uni." Well, that's what I always wanted, to have friends and go on adventures like that and have fun like that. But I don't. I have zero friends. I have no emotions. I have no fun. I'm not happy. And I'm not even thin!

So why am I saying all this? I'm saying that I'm done. It's over. I through looking. I don't need friends. I don't need them to be happy. There is only one thing that I need: to be thin. If I can grasp the control over my life, lose 20 pounds, stay strong...then I'll be happy, I'll be satisfied. So I'm not going to eat anymore. Just the bare minimum. This is self-destruction at its finest. I mean, who do those girls think I am anyway?! I suppose they know that I'm a bit reserved. But what if I said to them on Monday, "So thanks for getting back to me about Thursday night!" I should put them on the spot like that. What would they say? What does that tell me about them? Those bitches. Those Christian, youth-group goers, family-oriented, two-faced, no-good bitches. All this talk is probably making me seem very ugly, I'm sorry.

So I guess that's that. I've finally found the motivation to stop eating. I have no one and probably I never will. So I might as well stop eating and lose this weight. At least it keeps me busy, happy, goal-oriented, mentally strong...I only have myself. It's time to do this right. Once and for all.

Mail Exchange?

Lately my life has been lacking inspiration and raw human beauty. I need to broaden my horizons, reach out to the world, to people, listen to their stories, share mine. I've kept a few pen pals over the years, and I think it would be really cool to get a few more. Let's exchange letters. They're pretty cheap to send across North America, and not much more for international. There are so many lovely things you can put in an envelope. It's a change to get creative, paint, take pictures, send magazine clippings, write...I'm sure everyone has beautiful things to send! I do. E-mail me if you're interested: *removed*

Last night I dreamed that I was so thin for Christmas, I was 96 lb. Everyone stared but no one said anything. I was filled with utmost joy and pride. Today's going to be a good day. I can feel it pulsing through my veins. Today will be a good day. I am on the edge of my seat with excitement. Who's gonna be in the 90s for Christmas? Me. Oh and an anonymous asked how long I've been doing ballet. I started in July this year! And I absolutely love it. I'm 18, so it's really never too late! I just have to work harder to improve my flexibility.

Disgusted

I hate them, I hate them! I just hate my parents so much! They are so fucking nosy. And they scrutinize me when I eat. It's NOT just a coincidence that they come into the kitchen EVERY TIME I go there to eat something. It is NOT a coincidence. They come to observe. They come to see what I'm eating. How I'm eating. They come to see me eat, in general; that's to say, as if I'm an animal in a cage at a zoo. I know. I've been having this happen for months. And it makes me angry. It makes me feel disgusting and watched, like I have to privacy, like I'm not normal. Jesus Christ. I'm enraged. I just wish I could move out, and be surrounded by people who are normal, who treat me normally, who don't scrutinize me, who I can talk about food with normally without people underestimating me. Today, my economics/gym buddy offered me some of her peanut butter sandwich and I told her stories of my past Nutella binging and my love for almond/peanut butter, because I knew that she would, and she did, treat me normally; she laughed and shared her own stories. It was the most beautiful thing. Oh, and my "random-anorexics.com" friend is a weirdo. Won't be sharing stuff with her. Not sure what her story is, but I'm not interested anymore.

And, ya, ya, I know I was a bitch in the last post. What I meant about the "ugly poor people" was that, being uneducated, they were rude, unruly...quite unlike the lovely people I meet at my family's doctor/pharmaceutical conferences. Whatever. I don't blame them for being them. Fuck. I am so pissed off right now at my home situation. I'm off to ballet tonight. On my way back, I'm stopping at the grocery store to pick up some of my favourite shelf staples. That way I never have to leave my room, and my parents will never get to watch me eat, and when I go to the bathroom, they won't think it's because I ate something. There. Fuck you, mom, dad.

Updates will get more thinspirational, soon. I promise. Oh, yeah! I'm trying this new thing for a week, where I try to avoid the Internet as much as possible, and try going outside more. So my comments may be lacking...

Take Your Taste Back

All right, all right. So, tonight...I actually ate a dinner. I haven't had a LEGITIMATE meal in a week. Mostly I just have tiny snacks all day. But tonight, I was watching Weeds and this pizza commercial came on JUST as I got up to get a fat-free yogurt. It drove me so crazy, I literally rewinded the TV to watch it again. Into the kitchen, I went. It would have been a binge, but it wasn't. I ate my mother's amazing Indian food: chickpea masala, with...white bread. Damn. I was controlled though, the whole time. I knew perfectly well what I was doing, and the whole time the voice in my head begged me to stop, but I didn't. In total, that was about 300 calories and 10 grams of fat. Shit...For a person who usually eats 300 calories in a whole day, that IS a binge! But I'm not thinking much about it.

I'm gonna be a superstar all weekend. You know how I know? Because I weighed-in tonight at 101.8 lb. That's right. 101.8. *bows* I stepped on that scale 3 times to make sure. That dinner will be nothing. (Touch wood) Tomorrow, I'll follow my usual plan, and at the party "I ate before I came," and since it's at Scooters, I'll be burning TONS of cals skating. Whoa! It's like everything's just handed to me! Thanks so much for the advice, petals. I love the vegan excuse, I'm totally using it. I even brought up veganism with those friends once. I didn't work out today. I thought about it, but my biceps are sore, my shoulders are sore. Don't even get me started on my legs. Tomorrow, I'll be skating for God knows how long, that'll be good exercise. Let's do something fun, let's bet on how much I'll weigh by Sunday! Haha, I have wayyy to much fun with this ED, or whatever it is I have.

OH, and that friend! I sat next to her in Bio today. We started talking about Wintergirls, she said she'd lend it to me, so I told her about Wasted and that I'd lend it to her. Then she brought up Ellen Degeneres' wife's book on her anorexia. (It JUST came out, it's called Unbearable Lightness.) Then she took out this cereal called Cheerios, saying, "There's only 100 calories and 1 gram of fat, per CUP." We each had 10 Cheerios. Then she said, "Ohmagawd, like, two years ago, my doctor, like, I got down to 95 lb so my doctor made my mom, like, sit with me for every meal, it was awful." JUST LIKE ME. So I exclaimed, "Oh my God, like, ME TOO, I got down to 90 lb two years ago, and my mom would sit with me during and 20 minutes after I finished!" She said, "Aw, to make sure you wouldn't purge?" I nodded, and she said, "Damn, 90? What are you at now?" I told her 102, then we talked about going to the gym together. I am pretty flabbergasted at all this, but I'm still keeping my guard up. It's too weird to be real.

The Limit Does Not Exist

Another good day. Weighed in at 102 lb. Sweet. 100 by Sunday? Not sure. I JUST remembered that I said I'd go to a friend's 18th birthday party on Saturday. Actually, I remembered, but I forgot that it would involve food. Oh shit, oh shit. It's at Scooters...the roller blading place. Oh my God. There's gonna be cake. And even worse: there might be pizza. I'm not sure what they'll be serving, but something along those lines probably. Shit on my face. I can say no to birthday cake because "I don't like icing, it's too sweet." I can get out of eating pizza by...I don't know. If I can't get out of it...I'll pull off the cheese and nibble and nibble and leave a huge chunk of crust. I'm NOT getting side-tracked.

I kinda felt sad today when I looked in the mirror because I have no bum and no breasts, while my thighs are the size of China. I get scared looking at my bare chest because of those chest bones and my tangerines for boobs. It's scary because there's virtually ZERO fat on my upper body. It's all in the thighs. I kid you not. Then again I usually like having tiny boobs. It's different. I'm not like most girls! I never want to be average. At the gym today, I did 30 minutes of intervals on the elliptical. It was hard, I'm not used to the elliptical. Then I went to the weight room and did 10 minutes of shoulders, then 10 minutes of back and assisted chin-ups. Basically, every guy in the gym stared at me. Me, the only girl that ever dares to enter the weight room, this tiny little girl with bones sticking out of her chest and muscles popping out of her shoulders. WTF. I'd stare, too. Finished the workout with stretching and 5 laps around the track.

Just to answer a few questions:

That friend of mine who I think is "one of us," I'm not sure if I'll be talking to her about all this stuff, yet. I am not an open person and I don't trust people easily. For all I know, my mother could have set her up. So I'm going to wait until I have more information.

How do I manage to do all that crazy exercising with my minimal eating? I guess, over the years, I've built up a "tolerance" to it. Like maybe, my body's gotten used to hardcore calorie burning on so few cals. Maybe. Usually towards the end of the first hour of exercise I start to lose balance and my eyes blank out a bit and I gasp for air, but nothing serious. Not to the point where I fall over and/or pass out. I always push myself. 90 MINUTES, GO, GO. My mind is stronger than my body. What's the phrase? 'Mind over matter'? Or am I thinking of 'Where there's a will, there's a way'? Haha, whatever.

PS. I am so in love with all of you. Thanks for supporting me, girls!

Thin Is Classy

Okay, so, today was, like, the best day. My eating was amazing and I worked out HARD. I did a Pilates class from 12-1, then went to work out on my own, like the crazy I am. I saw my economics buddy there, so we spent 25 minutes on the elliptical together. (OMG, I got to point out the gym hottie to her. He was there, omg, like, he's so hot, I can't even describe. Shit, I'm drooling.) Then we went to the weight room, ignored the college dudes getting their pump on, and worked biceps for 15 minutes. Then we did pushups, and had a "plank competition." She left, and I ran around the indoor track for 15 minutes. I was dying by the end of it. But I felt accomplished. My legs are very sore. :)

Remember that friend of mind that asked to see the "skinny site," the one who told me about randomanorexics.com? Well, she texted me today asking "have you tried the baby food diet?" I said, "no but I've tried ABC, 246, rainbow..." wondering if she might know of those. She did. She said she can never manage to stay on ABC for long and that sometimes she ends up bingeing. Then she said, "what diet are you on now, I want to restart ABC, but I need someone to help keep me going!" Oh boy. You girls were right. I think she might be "one of us." It's scary shit. I never would have thought her...Well, I don't want to assume anything. Anyway, I ate so well, today, every 3 hours without fail. GET THIS: I came home at 10 PM. Weighed in at...102.2 lb. Say WHAAAAAT?! I haven't been that low in...forever! That weight is at NIGHT, omg I'm SO weighing-in tomorrow morning.

Today, I just felt so tiny, and pretty, and artistic. I was walking around campus, enjoying the beautiful crisp autumn day, in my favourite loose blue v-neck, skinnies, and black leather flats. I went to Starbucks, got a green tea, sat down and started writing letters to friends on pieces of paper I had painted with pretty water colours. I felt and looked pretty artistic. It was very beautiful. Things are starting to fall into place. :)

Interesting

I knew this girl when I was in grade 10, three years ago. She's two years older than me. We were really tight. When she went to university, we never talked much just the random text every so often. I saw her at UTM, and I was like, 'whhhaaaaat.' So we're hanging out and talking again. In the library she saw my frequently viewed sites on my laptop for a split second. She's saw the link for BellaAna's blog, which says in bright white letters Long Way to Skinny. So my friend was all like, "Hey, go back to the skinny site." I got nervous as shit, and was like, 'uh, why, no.' She said, "Oh, I like sites like that. Have you heard of Random Anorexics.com?" I was dumbfounded. I laughed like a little girl, and started pulling up these thinspo sites. She showed me some of the ED sites she goes on. I fed her all this bull shit about how I think it's scary that there are sites like that up, blah blah. She was like "I guess, but isn't it funny and intersting?" Now she's asking me if I've read Winter Girls. I'm interested to see where this goes... It's fishy, but interesting.

Anyway, I'm doing okay for time. Not procrastinating as much. Getting sleep. Also, I'm starving as I type this. My family's at a luncheon and there's like no food in the house. Only my non-fat yogurt. I've decided to start the 246 diet again. I'm such a failure at counting calories but (whoa my stomach just growled MAJORLY), I need to do this. Everyone on here's making such amazing progress! I am NOT about to get left behind. I can't wait to work out at the gym tomorrow after my psych test. 2 hours, baby. I'm so looking forward to being tiny and delicate, and lovely. Stay strong!

Catching Up

Weekends tend to screw me over. I always end up binging all weekend and it fades through Monday or Tuesday. But not this weekend. I'm going to try my very hardest not to give in to the temptations of the kitchen. I'm going to try. I'm going to LOSE weight this weekend, not gain back what I lose this week. OMG, this morning I looked in the mirror and...the gap between my thighs is getting bigger! Omgomg, this is good. My thighs still touch and they're still ugly, but obviously getting better!

Yesterday, I took the express bus into downtown Toronto. I wanted shoot with my Holga, take in the city's beauty, and enjoy being alive. Just as I was getting tired, my best friend since grade 2 called me. She just moved to Toronto because of her mom's job (I'm so jealous). So she's like, "You're in Toronto, come visit me!?" I hadn't seen her since July. And I'd never been in a legit Toronto home. So I went and we had fun! We youtubed and caught up on each other's lives and she gave me a tour of her place. She doesn't like it, they used to have a bigger house. But I thought it was the most lovely most quaint house ever. I hadn't eaten much all day and I was completely fat free and empty and flat-tummy-ed.

Then the words just came out of my mouth like word vomit: "Do you have any food, I'm kinda hungry." We go into her kitchen and we're looking in the fridge. There was a shitload of deli meats in there, an ENORMOUS tub of margarine, sandwiches, a loaf of white whole wheat bread, and other stuff. I was like, "That's a huge tub of margarine." She said, "Yeah, and I'm the only one that eats it...haha." Bear in mind that she is 5'10, double Ds, and HOT. She looks like Blake Lively, except with shorter brown hair and 10 times hotter. And she eats like a pig, literally. Anyway, we ended up toasting 2 slices of the enriched bread each, slathering both with margarine, and putting an unknown meat in between. We ate those and me, being a bread-aholic, ate 3 more slices of bread. All that food made me constipated which was really uncomfortable...I'm not going to think much of this slip up, though, I mean, I'll be good all weekend.

Weighed-in yesterday at 103.2 lb. Can I make it to 100 by Sunday? Probably not, but it's worth a try!

New Take

Good girls don't eat. A girl who want to be the skinniest will not eat. So that's what my new take is. Good girls don't eat. Basically, I just want to staaaarrrrve my way to thinness. I mean, eating seems to take up a lot of my time, which is really dumb. I want complete control over what goes into my body and the way it looks. I want to see a skeleton when I look in the mirror. Maybe then I'll be satisfied. I want to do this only to prove to myself that I can do it, that I'm capable of accomplishing something, that I'm not completely useless.

No food, no fat, no binging, no no not even a nibble. Just the bare minimum. Me and Bella are going to make it 100 lb this week! Well, we're aiming for it. And honestly, it's 100% do-able. Like, we HAVE what it takes. ALL OF US have what it takes! The power lies within us, we just need to make use of it! Anyway, I'm really sick of eating, last night's Thanksgiving dinner was a disaster...There I was, hoping that they were all thinking about how much thinner I'd gotten, then my nana goes and says, "Since you've started university you've put on weight, looks good!" Holy fucking hell, I wanted to kill myself. Tonight's another dinner with my mom, dad, me, and my younger sister. Christ, I can't wait for school tomorrow. Even though I have a Biology midterm exam. Also, I have to write a 300 word composition about French history IN FRENCH for tomorrow and I haven't started. God, help me.

Anywayy...wish me luck. You girls are always in my thoughts, I hope everything is going okay for you all. I wish I could have friends like you in the real world, not just the virtual world. Sometimes, I think about the girls I've 'met' and gotten to know on here, and I'll think about what we have in common and what we hide from the world, and I'll smile or laugh to myself. Because what we have is a special thing! It's a thing that's completely ours. haha, I'm getting emotional. I bet if people knew, they'd be jealous of our bond.

I Need a Break.

Bleehhh, I'm constipated. Not even sure why. Today was quite a good day. I barely ate. I spent 90 minutes at the gym! Doing hardcore working out! I was sweating all over the place. It was actually gross. A friend was trying to teach me clap push-ups. One day, I will succeed...Working out with a friend in a public gym is so much funner. I am in love with the way that the people I have been hanging out with have no idea of my ED history. I can blabber on about eating chocolate all day without them thinking "Ya right..." I can look at nutrition info on packages without them watching knowingly. I can constantly talk about constantly going to the gym without them thinking that I want to lose weight. I can be NORMAL. !!! It's nice.

All in all, today was a very good day. I didn't come home for dinner. I spend all day studying at the library. I came come at 11 pm. On my drive home, I was kinda hungry, so I went to a Tim Horton's drive-thru, and got a 12-grain bagel with butter. I ate it. 300 calories of carbs at 10 30 at night. Oh well. All that fibre's probably what's constipating me...I'm not gonna think too much about the bagel. I'm looking quite toned and fit these days. Once I go to the bathroom, I'll be fine. I don't want to abuse laxatives, I learned in Bio they can eventually inhibit your ability to naturally poop. Anyway. I'm going nuts with the whole diet thing. I was craving spaghetti this evening. I mentioned it to my friends and now we're going to go for Italian tomorrow night and see Easy A. Well then. I can just purge, right? Right.

Never Procrastinate

Ugh. I was totally about to get off my mac book and go downstairs to do my killer boot camp workout, but my stomach has just started to ache terribly. In the cramp-y way. Dammit. I really wanted to burn off all the calories I ate today...I'll probably do some ballet later. Today I went to a middle school reunion party. Haha. We're all 17-19 and we hadn't seen each other in over 4-7 years, depending on the person. It was fun reminiscing on middle school times, grade 2, who "dated" who...The parents of the host BBQed burgers for us. I ate. Without giving a shit. I mean, I felt totally fat and all, but no one cared or noticed because they're normal people *coughAlishacough*.

At one point, my best friend was getting a drink and asked if my other friend and I wanted something. I said Sprite, got it, opened it, and started drinking it. I honestly didn't care about the sugar. I was feeling good. Then I caught this guy completely staring at me. He was staring with a look that, obviously, said 'oh, she's actually drinking that.' I looked away. Yes, I was wearing a tank top and, yes, my arms looked really thin and toned. Yes, I was the most toned girl there. And yes, I was the only girl there who was wearing short shorts who DID NOT have cellulite. I was actually horrified to see the amount of cellulite on my two beautiful best friends. One is 5'10, D-cuped, modelled, and is the most beautiful girl for miles (I have to try extra hard to look good when I'm going out with her). But the cellulite on her thighs...When I came home, I told my mother how grateful I am that I have been "looking after myself" as to not have their cellulite and then ran to the mirror to make sure I didn't have any.

I feel like I'm more toned than the above picture...But I still think it's lovely. Anyway, my dad and little sister went away to a friend's cottage so I'm at home with my mom. I hope she makes plans and doesn't bother me much. I can't wait for university life, the parties, the people...I'm going to a more "tame" school, it's the second best school in Canada. But I'm still hoping it'll be fun, despite it's boring/civilized reputation.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

It's Sunday afternoon and my whole family is home. I absolutely hate it when they're all home because we usually eat meals together. Like, we had breakfast together this morning and it was absoute torture. Whenever we eat together, there is always some sort of discussion or argument that makes me feel uncomfortable, angry, and agitated. That's where my roots of 'feeling uncomfortable about eating' come from. Mom and stupid Dad want to make hamburgers for lunch. When I hear burgers, I think "Fat." So I'm just gonna do my mom the favour of picking up the shirt a friend left behind at a restaurant last night. That way, I don't have to be at home for fatty hamburgers. I'll stay out the rest of the day, if I can, to avoid the family. I'll tell my parents I'm with a friend. Then I'll go drop off the shirt. Excellent.I went out last night with a girl I used to hang out with at school, Brit. I never considered her a friend because I always try to avoid socializing (socializing=eating). But she considered me a friend, obviously, if she wanted to go out. [Wow, my eating disorder has made me forget how to be a friend...] Anyway, Brit is one of the few people I'm close with who DOES NOT know about my ED history. When I was with her, Ifelt like I could act completely normal because she treated me completely normal! She didn't treat me differently or all suspicious! It was so nice to feel normal! I'm so used to hiding and putting on an act. So I'm starting to realize that if I want to start making friends and being a friend, I should hang out more with people who know nothing about my ED history. I can't even describe how good I feel now that I know what I have to do to be normal again. I'm tired of putting on an act. I want to learn how to be normal again for university in September.

ABC?

I really need to get these pounds off.
I gained 6 pounds in a month...
I'm at 106 lb.

So I'm trying to limit myself to 500 of less cals per day.

However, I KNOW that I am completely capable of losing 6 pounds in under 2 weeks.
I have high metabolism, so I SHOULD be about 100 pounds in about two weeks.
Let's see how this goes...

I've always been scared to try the ABC diet. But I'm thinking it would be the best thing for me if I want to be 93 lb by June 21.
Dammit, I'm so scared.
I'm scared I'll lose control.
I'm scared of being ugly.
I'm scared of becoming fat.
I'm scared.

Intake so far:
B: Strawberries, Plain Yogurt, Muesli, Milk =100
S: Fucking Timbit= 50

L: Apple= 70
S: Dark Chocolate Chips=40, Pineapple=30

D: Chicken, Green Beans=105
S: Blondie=35

Total: 430

Went to Tim Horten's for 3rd period spare with two girlfriends. Felt dumb for just getting a green tea. Therefore, ordered two timbits, as well. Ate one, tossed the other.
Could have avoided the chocolate...Not sure where my head was...

So far: not so bad.

Being home alone means I can fake eating.

Yuck

Ew, binged today for the first time in a long time.
Toblerone bar, cheese, donut holes, popcorn, Nutella+bread, pizza...
Gross.
That's a lot.
A lot of SHIT!

Well, it's one day. Tormorrow will be back to routine.
Eat clean and minimally. Work out.
I'm on my way to 93 lb.

Think thin. Think beautiful.