I heart cute soccer players and I hate malls

Yesterday, my mom took me to the mall to buy a grad dress. We found one. I shall post a picture of me in it after the 26th. It's long and white and completely lovely. I always thought I'd have a short mini grad dress, but not after trying this one on...My mom was so happy we found a dress that she bought me clear flip flops and a short blue party dress. After all the "un-daughterly" things I do...
I want Miranda Kerr's arms. My arms used to look like that...My arms look pretty floppy in the strapless dress. I need to do something about that. I'm gonna work out today. I'm so nervous about it, but I think once I get back into it I won't want to stop. Yesterday, I had 8 pieces of sushi at lunch with my mom at the mall. Really filled me up. Today is a 200 calories day.
OMG. So I ate some chocolate yesterday and felt shitty about it. I thought, 'okay, I haven't made myself throw up since January because I believed I lost my gag reflex. But there's no way I lost it, some people are bulimic for years!' So, last night, I stuck my finger down my throat and tried to make myself purge the chocolate. It didn't come up, I got annoyed, and called it quits. I think I'm just gonna avoid junk...
The food court at the mall depressed the hell out of me yesterday. I saw people, teenagers, eating. They looked so happy. Eating KFC, poutine, burgers, pizza...They looked like they didn't give a damn about how unhealthy that food was. Boy, with every passing minute I was getting more and more depressed. After my mom and I finished eating, I told her 'please let's go home now.'

So here's a cute soccer player from France: Yoann Gourcuff. *sigh*

Fail

Yesterday was a complete fail for me. I couldn't resist an enormous slice of pizza for lunch, pastries from Starbucks, chocolate bars, ice cream, and 3 slices of pizza AGAIN for dinner! Stupid amusement parks. Yesterday, my intake was over 2000 calories. Holy shit. I freak out over 1000 calories as it is...

Sometimes I like to imagine myself being perfectly happy. I have friends who don't judge me, I eat whenever I feel like it, and my parents don't nag me. I am thin. My thighs don't touch and I don't have love handles and I am perfectly happy. It's nice to imagine this. It really is...

How lovely is Iekeliene Stange? She's one of my favourite models. I dream, fantasize about being that thin. I dream about how happy I'd be if my parents stopped nagging me, if I could eat whenever I feel like it, if I could be completely independent and have complete control over my life...

One of the reasons I love having a car is that it gives me a new kind of independence. I love being home alone. I like being alone in general. When I argued against my parents throwing me a huge graduation party, they asked me what I'd rather do. I said "I'd LOVE just to be alone somewhere", preferably by the lake. I would like to be alone to take in [my] life. They stared at me, like that was the stupidest thing they'd ever heard. They gave me that look like, are you serious, you want to be alone?.

My life is my choice. That's the way it should be. I still have to decide if I want to go to the university that's a 20 minute drive from my house or U of Toronto downtown. Making this decision is driving me up the wall. It's hard dealing with annoying parents, school, losing weight, AND deciding on universities all at once.

A challenge

I think it would be a good idea for me to put my intake/outtake on this thing sometimes, just so I can keep track.
Also, it might be a good idea for me to PLAN things out. For example, plan out what I'm going to eat all day, daily routines, etc.

I kinda ate too much today, despite the fact that I told myself not to, despite the fact that I worked out so hard, despite the fact that I WANT to get skinnier...
What a loser I am...

I start school tomorrow after two weeks of spring break.
I also start a new challenge. A challenge to lose weight. I want to be 93 lb by the end of June. That's about 11 pounds to lose. It's completely do-able.

SO:
Starting tomorrow, I restrict my calories. I will exercise at least 3 times each week. I will only allow junk one time per week.

I will be the skinniest I have ever been.
And I will be beautiful.

Yuck

Ew, binged today for the first time in a long time.
Toblerone bar, cheese, donut holes, popcorn, Nutella+bread, pizza...
Gross.
That's a lot.
A lot of SHIT!

Well, it's one day. Tormorrow will be back to routine.
Eat clean and minimally. Work out.
I'm on my way to 93 lb.

Think thin. Think beautiful.