Fail

Yesterday was a complete fail for me. I couldn't resist an enormous slice of pizza for lunch, pastries from Starbucks, chocolate bars, ice cream, and 3 slices of pizza AGAIN for dinner! Stupid amusement parks. Yesterday, my intake was over 2000 calories. Holy shit. I freak out over 1000 calories as it is...

Sometimes I like to imagine myself being perfectly happy. I have friends who don't judge me, I eat whenever I feel like it, and my parents don't nag me. I am thin. My thighs don't touch and I don't have love handles and I am perfectly happy. It's nice to imagine this. It really is...

How lovely is Iekeliene Stange? She's one of my favourite models. I dream, fantasize about being that thin. I dream about how happy I'd be if my parents stopped nagging me, if I could eat whenever I feel like it, if I could be completely independent and have complete control over my life...

One of the reasons I love having a car is that it gives me a new kind of independence. I love being home alone. I like being alone in general. When I argued against my parents throwing me a huge graduation party, they asked me what I'd rather do. I said "I'd LOVE just to be alone somewhere", preferably by the lake. I would like to be alone to take in [my] life. They stared at me, like that was the stupidest thing they'd ever heard. They gave me that look like, are you serious, you want to be alone?.

My life is my choice. That's the way it should be. I still have to decide if I want to go to the university that's a 20 minute drive from my house or U of Toronto downtown. Making this decision is driving me up the wall. It's hard dealing with annoying parents, school, losing weight, AND deciding on universities all at once.