Frida Gustavsson

To look that good.

Thin Is Classy

Okay, so, today was, like, the best day. My eating was amazing and I worked out HARD. I did a Pilates class from 12-1, then went to work out on my own, like the crazy I am. I saw my economics buddy there, so we spent 25 minutes on the elliptical together. (OMG, I got to point out the gym hottie to her. He was there, omg, like, he's so hot, I can't even describe. Shit, I'm drooling.) Then we went to the weight room, ignored the college dudes getting their pump on, and worked biceps for 15 minutes. Then we did pushups, and had a "plank competition." She left, and I ran around the indoor track for 15 minutes. I was dying by the end of it. But I felt accomplished. My legs are very sore. :)

Remember that friend of mind that asked to see the "skinny site," the one who told me about randomanorexics.com? Well, she texted me today asking "have you tried the baby food diet?" I said, "no but I've tried ABC, 246, rainbow..." wondering if she might know of those. She did. She said she can never manage to stay on ABC for long and that sometimes she ends up bingeing. Then she said, "what diet are you on now, I want to restart ABC, but I need someone to help keep me going!" Oh boy. You girls were right. I think she might be "one of us." It's scary shit. I never would have thought her...Well, I don't want to assume anything. Anyway, I ate so well, today, every 3 hours without fail. GET THIS: I came home at 10 PM. Weighed in at...102.2 lb. Say WHAAAAAT?! I haven't been that low in...forever! That weight is at NIGHT, omg I'm SO weighing-in tomorrow morning.

Today, I just felt so tiny, and pretty, and artistic. I was walking around campus, enjoying the beautiful crisp autumn day, in my favourite loose blue v-neck, skinnies, and black leather flats. I went to Starbucks, got a green tea, sat down and started writing letters to friends on pieces of paper I had painted with pretty water colours. I felt and looked pretty artistic. It was very beautiful. Things are starting to fall into place. :)

Bad Habits

I have a really bad habit of starving myself all day, then coming home at 9 PM and allowing myself 2 slices of bread and butter and chocolate "because I haven't eaten all day, so it's okay." (I purged.) Well, that philosophy is SO WRONG. Here's what I did: breakfast at 8 30 AM, apple at 3 30 PM, yogurt at 7 30 PM. I didn't FEEL hungry, but my body knew something was up. You girls know the drill. Anyway, I think it's better if I just eat every 3 hours. That way, I don't come home and eat carbs late at night.

Anyway, so the plan is to be as lovely as that ^ for the Christmas holidays. 95 lb. I have no idea how I'm gonna get hair like that, though. I have really really really thick wavy hair. I don't put any products in, and I never straighten it. But when I was 15, I used to straighten it 3 times a week, which is probably why it's kinda damaged now. I should really try some products... ANWAY, I worked out like a mad man today. It was so hard, after not having exercised in a week. But I managed to pull 90 minutes. Goddam, I'm so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open as I type this. I was supposed to do Calc until 11, but I'm too tired.

Plan for tomorrow: eat every 3 hours. without fail.

MOD

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. Gonna be SHUT UP in my room ALL DAY syudying for my Psychology test which is on Monday. I am planning on eating non-fat yogurt today. That's it. No other foods. I mean, no other food is acceptable. I hope like hell, my parents go out tonight. I itch with excitement at the thought of losing weight. A major problem with me is that when I study for too long, my mind wanders. Not to thoughts of food, it's always to thoughts about sex. It gets to a point where I can't stop thinking about having hot sex with the gym hottie, and I'm not studying anymore. So that's when I take a break. Taking a break is good. Today, my breaks will occur every 2 hours and will consist of eating the non-fat yogurt and/or journaling. I've planned everything out. Everything goes so much smoother when I plan it out. And I end up much more successful.

My jeans are getting wayy too lose. It's brutally annoying trying to pick out something in the morning. So I bought a belt yesterday. I hate wearing belts. But I don't want to spend all that money to buy new jeans. Although, I could use ONE new pair of skinny jeans. Yeah!, I think I deserve a new pair. There's a pair of jeans that I have not worn once in my closet that I bought in September. On account of I have lost a crap load of weight since then, those jeans are now too big. I feel stupid having spent the money on those jeans, it might be too late to exchange/return then, I don't know. I'm gonna try anyway. :D With a new skinny body in the works, I need to start buying cuter prettier clothes and start looking pretty and fashionable. Very Model-Off-Duty kind.

Thanks for all your lovely comments on the last post! I'm really motivated. I just want all of you to stay strong, never give up, and NEVER procrastinate. xo

Dreams of Pretty

After a weekend of too much eating, I am afraid to weigh myself. I'm just going to postpone weigh-in to Wednesday. I'm making a change. A change for the better. I cannot eat things that are unhealthy because that would be self-destructive. I don't feel any better after eating junk. In fact, I feel miserable after eating junk. So I need to try the hardest I can to avoid eating junk. I can make it clear to my family if I don't want to eat or if I don't want to eat refined carbs. They will not say anything. It's not like I don't eat AT ALL.
I will continuously eat minimally and exercise like crazy until I am less than 100 lb.
Until my arms are thin and bony. Until my thighs don't touch. Until my ribs stick out further than my stomach. Until I can lie down and get that stomach concavity, hip bones jutting out, like knives.
I must be tiny! I want to be light. I want to glide/float, not walk. I want pure bones, not fat. I am a fighter. I have potential. I can do this. We all can. We only need to try that much harder.
Stay strong and in control, loves.

Caved

Ate close to nothing. After dinner my sister and cousins wanted to go to Coldstone...so we went. Where I caved. But at least I had to sugar-free fat-free one, and I came back and purged it.
So tomorrow afternoon is my cousin's grad party for the teens. I can avoid eating because there are over 80 kids coming (she's so popular) and it's buffet. No one will tell me to eat. I'll avoid it. The evening is the adult party. Avoid eating again! I messed up with the Coldstone today, I really can't afford to slip up again. I CAN'T let myself be 104 lb on Monday.

Monday: I have to enroll in courses for university. Still not 100% sure what to take; I've got 3 out
5.
Wednesday: First day of ballet! I'm excited to get toned and learn to be more graceful!
Friday: Vans Warped Tour! Cute boys + great music = Fun!
Saturday: drop off my resume for the job at the bookstore.

I just want my hips and highs to shrink. Then I'd have a fairly pretty body. I need to do more cardio. NEED. Running 3 times a week, swim at least once a week, stairmaster at home when all else fails.

103.4

The thinner I get, the more "extreme" my thinspo gets. It's hard finding pictures of girls thinner than me as thinspiration. I have such high expectations! That's not necessarily a bad thing, but people say it will backfire on me.

Weigh-in this morning at 103.4 lb. Not bad seeing that I ate more meat than usual yesterday and grad night. It's Canada Day today, so I'm going to tell my parents I'm going out for dinner than watch fireworks. Haha. No dinner for ME tonight. AND this weekend I'm going for my cousin's grad party in Cleveland with my dad and sister. No mother to make sure I eat! Yes, it's going to be a weekend of becoming thinner.
I was thinking about the grad after-party. Normally, in a social situation where everyone is having a good time and I'm known as the quiet one, I would get depressed out of my mind. I'd have left the party. But I wasn't depressed at this party. When a bunch of us were outside smoking and talking, it hit me and I thought, 'why aren't I depressed?' Then I thought, 'No, do not think about your sadness. Concentrate on having fun.' I'm not sure why I was able to forget about my sadness. Maybe it was because of the alcohol I had. I was so loose because of it! In any case, maybe it's a sign that I DO have the power to overcome my sadness or maybe it's a sign that in the future I might turn to alcohol...
Later, loves!

103.6

Weighed-in this morning at...*cue: drumroll* 103 .6 lb!
Cue: applause.
That's 4.6 lb lost in a week.
I am thrilled.
I graduate tomorrow. My summer is beginning.
I'm going to apply for my first job. Part-time. I need to get the fuck out of my parents house.
Maybe I'll face my fear and try on the clothes in my closet that I have not worn in months because of all the weight I had gained. But I'm 103.6. Maybe they won't be so tight.
I'm dying to get at least an inch between my thighs when my feet are almost together. My inner thighs are all fat, it's gross. Must do more cardio. I'm also dying to get my ribs to stick out further than my stomach, right now they are even. Must keep eating less. Last night I had celery and a bit of cheese for dinner. I sent my parents out on a date.
I am absolutely in love with the amount of control I have over my life, especially my eating. I don't CARE who is upset with me. This is not about THEM, it's about ME.
^She's so pretty. I wish I had hair like that.

Oh ya, I'm going to the mall today to buy a bracelet! It will be a reminder, when I go to my grandparents 52nd wedding anniversary dinner tonight, to not slip up.

Expectations

Some days, I just fail so miserably, that I don't want to continue anymore. I think about starting over the next day, but it all just seems so overwhelming and those are the times I think "Fuck it." The problem is that attitude. I want to get in the 90s so bad. I want to lose the fat on my thighs and hips so bad. But I'm expecting too much too soon. So I need to take it slower. I need to realize that it will take longer than a week to see results. Duh. If I am 106 lb right now, a reasonable goal is to be 100 in less than 3 weeks. Completely doable. So losing 2 lb a week should be expected. Expected.
I'm going to try this new thing where every time I lose 4 pounds, I will buy myself a lovely bracelet. I have my eye on a lovely one from Coach.
It's Father's Day and we are having lobster for dinner. I just had a pretty big lunch, something I said I wouldn't have. If I eat too much dinner, I'm definitely going to try purging that. Yesterday I tried to purge some cookies, but only yucky stomach acid came out. It was awfully horrible.

I heart cute soccer players and I hate malls

Yesterday, my mom took me to the mall to buy a grad dress. We found one. I shall post a picture of me in it after the 26th. It's long and white and completely lovely. I always thought I'd have a short mini grad dress, but not after trying this one on...My mom was so happy we found a dress that she bought me clear flip flops and a short blue party dress. After all the "un-daughterly" things I do...
I want Miranda Kerr's arms. My arms used to look like that...My arms look pretty floppy in the strapless dress. I need to do something about that. I'm gonna work out today. I'm so nervous about it, but I think once I get back into it I won't want to stop. Yesterday, I had 8 pieces of sushi at lunch with my mom at the mall. Really filled me up. Today is a 200 calories day.
OMG. So I ate some chocolate yesterday and felt shitty about it. I thought, 'okay, I haven't made myself throw up since January because I believed I lost my gag reflex. But there's no way I lost it, some people are bulimic for years!' So, last night, I stuck my finger down my throat and tried to make myself purge the chocolate. It didn't come up, I got annoyed, and called it quits. I think I'm just gonna avoid junk...
The food court at the mall depressed the hell out of me yesterday. I saw people, teenagers, eating. They looked so happy. Eating KFC, poutine, burgers, pizza...They looked like they didn't give a damn about how unhealthy that food was. Boy, with every passing minute I was getting more and more depressed. After my mom and I finished eating, I told her 'please let's go home now.'

So here's a cute soccer player from France: Yoann Gourcuff. *sigh*

106

Yesterday, I was good. Today I shall continue to be good. Haven't worked out yet, for some reason I really am starting to dread exercise, that's got to stop. I'm going with the assumption that I am 106 lb, because I weighed myself on Wii fit as 105.4 but that's minus 1 lb for clothes. I don't know. I thought I'd be sooo much more seeing as the doctor weighed me as 112 lb three weeks ago...But anyway, I'm that much closer to 95!

I came home about 30 minutes ago from the library, and saw my sister eating this Indian spicy rice that my mom makes and it is SOOO good, so I had a tiny plate of it with some chicken. Hopefully no one will be home tonight, so I can get away with skipping dinner, or just having a leaf of lettuce.
I can't wait until summer. My exam yesterday went pretty bad, that's what I get for not studying...But next week I have Calculus and dreaded Chemistry, I'm actually going to try for those. I just can't wait until summer so my parents can leave me alone for good, so I can TELL them, NO I DON'T FEEL LIKE EATING, RIGHT NOW! I just wish my parents didn't know that I had eating issues because now they don't treat me normally. They watch everything I eat, they press me about eating, they are always asking what I ate/eat. I'm not putting up with it anymore.

Yesterday, my parents actually told me that they're sad about the way I've been acting towards them. They said that they don't feel love from me, they find me acting so cold towards them, and I'm not as "daughterly" as most kids are with their parents, etc. They're sad about my coldness towards them. I'm not gonna deny it. I act mean towards them. It's not even a vocal mean. It's a silent, icy cold mean. I barely tell them anything and act emotionless to them. They deserve it, I mean, I hate them and all. If they weren't so nagging and annoying all the time, maybe it would be different. Ever since I was a small girl, they've been trying to get INTO my life, trying to snoop around. My mom says she's always had "spies" on me and my sister. She made it out like a joke, but I don't think so. Everything I've ever told my doctor, ex-therapist, ex-psychiatrist, even friends, my mom has found out. There is no way she could have found out unless she has spies. It could be that she read my diary, but I hide it...
I honestly never want to eat again. The only reason I'll eat is to keep from passing out. I can't wait to be under 100 lb...

Avant Garde

I want to be glamorous.
I want to be skinny. Slim, slender legs and frail arms.
Lately, I have this urgent desire to buy extremely fashionable clothes and a new pair of shoes. I want to SO BAD, but I cannot because I am not thin enough to look good in the clothes I love. I cannot wear a lot of the clothes in my closet because I've gained about 10 pounds since March, thus a lot of stuff doesn't look as pretty on me anymore. So, uh, once I get back down to 100 lb, I think I'll buy myself some avant garde fashions and a new pair of shoes.

I want look thin and classy. Then I can carry a Chanel purse on my bony sholder and wear delicate gold watches around my tiny wrist, and when I walk in high heels, I will look beautiful and light, not like I'm too heavy to put my all my weight on high heels.
I wish I could be as small and lovely and toned as Miranda Kerr. I want to feel in control, I want my eating disorder back. I want something to be MINE, for once.

Fail

Yesterday was a complete fail for me. I couldn't resist an enormous slice of pizza for lunch, pastries from Starbucks, chocolate bars, ice cream, and 3 slices of pizza AGAIN for dinner! Stupid amusement parks. Yesterday, my intake was over 2000 calories. Holy shit. I freak out over 1000 calories as it is...

Sometimes I like to imagine myself being perfectly happy. I have friends who don't judge me, I eat whenever I feel like it, and my parents don't nag me. I am thin. My thighs don't touch and I don't have love handles and I am perfectly happy. It's nice to imagine this. It really is...

How lovely is Iekeliene Stange? She's one of my favourite models. I dream, fantasize about being that thin. I dream about how happy I'd be if my parents stopped nagging me, if I could eat whenever I feel like it, if I could be completely independent and have complete control over my life...

One of the reasons I love having a car is that it gives me a new kind of independence. I love being home alone. I like being alone in general. When I argued against my parents throwing me a huge graduation party, they asked me what I'd rather do. I said "I'd LOVE just to be alone somewhere", preferably by the lake. I would like to be alone to take in [my] life. They stared at me, like that was the stupidest thing they'd ever heard. They gave me that look like, are you serious, you want to be alone?.

My life is my choice. That's the way it should be. I still have to decide if I want to go to the university that's a 20 minute drive from my house or U of Toronto downtown. Making this decision is driving me up the wall. It's hard dealing with annoying parents, school, losing weight, AND deciding on universities all at once.

104.7...Again.

Weighed-in this morning at 104.7 pounds. Not bad. I'm impressed. 103.5, at most, this Friday? Here's hoping! This week has been good so far. Why? Because of my eating. My eating disorder, my dark passenger, consumes my life. Every aspect of my life relates to my ED. If I'm eating like shit, junk foods and crap, then I won't want to do anything. I won't feel motivated to study, read, go out, or even exercise. When I feel fat, I feel worthless, miserable, and...fat!

But I've been doing so well, so I feel great! I'm doing my homework, studying daily (except dratted Chemistry...), reading, and I exercise whenever I can! I've been eating less than 500 cals per day, and I'm cutting down on fat intake. I need to find a way to resist snacking on almond butter...That's the only thing standing in my way.

I think once I reach 101 pounds, I will reward myself. If I am beautiful and feel beautiful, I need to do something beautiful for myself ! Maybe I'll buy myself some really cute clothes from H&M or Zara. Or maybe that lovely clutch from Guess. <3

It's honestly not even funny how much I despise my parents' presence. I really wish they would never come home. I like them much better at a distance, mentally and physically. I don't like them constantly asking me about things, watching what I eat, attempting to control my life. I think I will go to university downtown, University of Toronto. I need to get out of here, this home this town. I hope my parents will agree to this, maybe get me an apartment or pay for residence. They REALLY don't want me to go away for university. I think they just want to control me for as long as possible; they don't want to let me go. Even if I DON'T go away for school, I WILL NOT let them control me. I WILL NOT stand for it. I feel that if I stay here, I will not be able to grow as a person. I NEED to grow as a person. I need to explore myself, the world, I need to feel, feel new things, experience life like a normal university kid.
Control. This is my life. I chose it. I get to control it. In every aspect.

Planning Loveliness + Recipe by me

Yesterday, I managed to get away with making a low-calorie-low-fat pancake for me on the side of my mom's fatty buttermilk pancakes. I was so happy. The whole day was gonna be fine, until me and my sister were leaving our tutoring place, and I really had to pee. So we went into Tim Horton's (coffee shop), and I told her to get whatever she wanted. I told her to get me ONE applefritter timbit (donut hole). I figure it's only 50 cals, 1 g of fat, no biggie. I come out of the washroom, and my sister's all like, "They didn't have any timbits, so I got you an applefritter donut. You'll eat it right?" In my head I was like, "Uh, NO, you idiot." If I only wanted ONE timbit, why the hell would I want a whole stupid donut, which is 300 cals and 11 g of fat. Ugh, I was so upset, because when I though I thought I would only take one bite of that donut, it ended up being so good that I ate the whole stupid thing, which depressed the crap outta me and so I went home and binged on Toblerone chocolate, bread, and Nutella.

Anyway, but today was a better day. Intake of 500 cals. I've been planning my intake, and following my schedule of working out. I worked out a lot today, and now my arms, abs, and quads are sore. Good! When I weighed-in this morning, I was 106 lb...Christ...I hope that's because I had to go to the bathroom (to get rid of...you know). So, with diligence I can be 103 by Friday. It honestly makes me mad the way I keep setting a goal day for 103 lb, and it NEVER happens. Well, you know what, it's GONNA happen this Friday. Girls, I promise, I'll be 103 this Friday. You can hold me accountable.

So here's my original recipe for the low cal pancake:
Mix together
2 Tbs Whole Wheat flour,
1/2 tsp Baking Powder,
1/3-1/2 tsp Cinnamon (however much you like).
Stir in
3 Tbs low-fat milk (I used 1%).
Cook on griddle/pan, flipping once. I used exact measurements, and when I poured the batter onto the pan, of course not all of the batter came out. So depending on the kind of ingredients you use, it should have less than 90 calories. Mine had 85, with virtually zero fat.

Today, I had more chocolate than I should have had (apx 100 cals), but tomorrow, there will be none. Also I need to decrease the amount of fat I intake. That means, no snacking on almond butter after-school! I'm going to start running next Monday. AND OMG, this summer I am going to be in a beginners adult ballet class! I'm so excited. Ballet is something I've wanted to do since I was a small girl, but my parents never put in in it, depite my asking. Instead they put me in stuff that I wasn't really interested in... ANYWAY, I'm so excited to do ballet and be graceful and toned and lovely.
I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to lose weight and be skinny. I'm excited to see where life after high school will take me. I'm excited for my life. I will be better. Tomorrow will be better, I'll make sure of it. Tomorrow's limit: 500 cals.

Fasting

Okay, yes!, so I'm 105 lb today. By Friday, could I possibly be 103.5? Possibly. I'm trying a fast for the first time in my life. Today's the first day. I'm gonna try and fast until Saturday. AT LEAST. This is hard; I started getting a headache around 2:00 pm so I had a couple of bites of WWbread and an Advil. Now I'm going to work out to burn the calories off.

I really hope I can get through this! If I can get to 103 by Friday, by Monday I can hope to be at 102. (Weekends really throw me off because I'm around my family a lot...) I'm gonna avoid dinner with my stupid family tonight by going to the library to study. I'm make something up, like I ate. My mom's always fucking hassling me about eating. I swear to God, if I end up having to eat with them tonight, I'll be furious.

Today I'm gonna do 10 minutes on the Stairmaster, then 15 minutes of abs, then 15 minutes of weight training with leg exercises between sets.
That's an amazing torso, with a pretty amazing body. All the fat is in her breasts. Lucky her. All my fat goes to my hips...

The Plan to Fail No More

The plan is to fail no more. That's the plan. I cannot keep telling myself that I can start over tomorrow. I have to lose AT LEAST 10 pounds by my birthday on May 24. I have never been a screw-up. I have never been known to be a failure. I'm ALWAYS the winner. I am scared that I am losing it.

I WILL NOT lose it. I am a winner. I am a go-getter. I am going to DO THIS because I NEED to show myself that I am capable of accomplishing something. That I am capable of doing something for myself. Lately, I've been feeling out of control, putting off studying, exercising, school, piano...I've been procrastinating. I'm slipping. I feel that if I can shape up, get into shape, and lose these pounds then I will be able to do anything. I will have the motivation to do better in school and such.

I will starve from now on. I'll eat bare minimum. I will have to DEAL with the hunger because I NEED to do this. I will prove myself to myself. This is for ME and no one else. I need bony arms, protruding hip bones, a rib cage that juts out, slender thighs, concave tummy, narrow hips...

I need this.

I've gained so much this week...I'm dreading weigh-in tomorrow morning...

Thou shall be thin

I am at my highest weight in a long time. I'm probably at LEAST 110 pounds.

That is so fucking disgusting. I feel like beating myself up.

My arms used to have tone and definition. Now they are flabbly and not defined.

And my prized six pack...

All the muscle that I worked so hard for is burried under a thick layer of fat.

I am perfectly capable of losing the weight fast. I will do it.

Starting today, I am on a diet.

No junk food.

The food can wait.

I can't have it now. Maybe one day, but not until I reach my goal.

Goal Weight: 93 pounds.

Work out WHENEVER POSSIBLE.

EAT MINIMALLY.

NO JUNK FOOD WHATSOEVER.

Thou shall be skinny.
Thou shall not be fat.

bad habit

Yesterday night AND tonight, I had mini binges.
Lots of bread with nutella and chocolate, causing me to mess up ABC diet.
Actually, causing me to mess up in general.

Eating at night is THE worst...
I never thought I was the type...

UGH, I MAKE MYSELF SO MAAADDD!!!

Intake so far:
B: Strawberries, Plain Yogurt, Muesli, Milk =100
S: Fucking Timbit= 50

L: Apple= 70
S: Dark Chocolate Chips=40, Pineapple=30

D: Chicken, Green Beans=105
S: Blondie=35

Total: 430

Went to Tim Horten's for 3rd period spare with two girlfriends. Felt dumb for just getting a green tea. Therefore, ordered two timbits, as well. Ate one, tossed the other.
Could have avoided the chocolate...Not sure where my head was...

So far: not so bad.

Being home alone means I can fake eating.