Overboard

I haven't gone overboard in a long time. Something possessed me this morning to have a really BIG snack: bread (110), olive oil (60), cheese (40), and nutella (75). That's a 285-calorie snack! With 15 grams of fat! Holy crap. NOW I'm pissed at myself. I wanted today to be a rest day, but in 10 minutes I'm dragging myself to the gym to do 35 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes in the rowing machine and 20 minutes of strength training. The reason I'm extra pissed is because tomorrow we're hosting a wedding shower and my mom isn't serving the healthiest food. I'm nervous about it. I was HOPING today would be perfect so if I slipped tomorrow, it wouldn't be so bad. BUT NO. I fucked up. Now I'm going to the gym and I'll have to be extra diligent tomorrow.

I'm really agitated at the fact that I'm not losing weight. I suppose I need to push HARDER and be more FOCUSED about my diet. This is the summer I become ripped.

Day 3 and Spaghetti Squash

I'm not gonna lie, it's extremely difficult to focus while eating 200 calories a day. I'm studying for a biology midterm and it's like I'm staring at my notes, but nothing's happening. Like, I have been staring at this one page for 15 minutes and nothing is getting through to my mind; I can't focus properly. But it's all good once I pop a couple raspberries in my mouth or have a cup of green tea. Despite the fact that I can't focus as well, I am not tired. It's like I'm in this state of hunger-induced insomnia/mania. So I can stay up as late as it takes to study, without getting sleepy. And it's so trippy. I was looking at my bulletin board, and it doesn't look like the paper is pinned to it; everything is floating. But I mean, that goes away once I eat something, like a strawberry. I am so proud of myself. Total intake for today was 207 calories.

Tomorrow is a 600 day! Dad is barbecuing lemon pesto chicken breasts, which I'll eat with a salad. And I'll get to have a long-awaited 200-calorie sweet bun for lunch. I'm allowed. See how fun 246 is?! You never feel deprived, so you don't feel like bingeing because you can eat in a couple days! Okay, so, I made spaghetti squash for lunch today. Cut in half, scrape out seeds/strings, bake cut side down in 375F oven for an hour, scrape out spaghetti strands from peel inwards. Eat with tomato sauce. Satisfying. One cup is 42 cals, but I was full with half a cup! I'm so excited to eat more than 200 cals tomorrow...I just want to put out there that being able to eat 600 calories doesn't mean I can eat 600 calories of junk. I have to make them count. Eat good calories. I'm losing weight consistently. This is good.

Thoughts

I am currently craving GOURMET macaroni and cheese with bacon and a wrap filled with salty deli meats. Clearly, I have a carb and salt craving. My mom's going away for the weekend and she's made meals for the family, but I think I'm gonna ask my sister if she wants to make that mac and cheese on Saturday night. If she doesn't, I won't have it. If she does, I'll have it, but just to try. One bite usually satisfies a craving for me. It's been 4 years since I've had mac 'n cheese. Anyway, these cravings are bad because they're all I can think about and I have a HUGE economics test tomorrow. It's like this: "Okay, so the price elasticity of demand will increase if the price of...salty deli ham on a whole wheat wrap lathered with butter and melted cheese..." That's what the past 2 hours have been like for me.

I am currently looking very skinny. Worked out 2 hours yesterday and 90 minutes today. Two days of being back on track is all it takes...I saw my eye candy at the gym today. He's just this boy I noticed during orientation week. He's like Josh Hartnett plus Torrance Coombs plus a giant surge of HOTNESS. I have calculus with him and I always make sure I get a view of him, and he's so fucking hot, and every time I see him, I imagine fucking him, hot and steamy, in his dorm room. MOVING ON. I saw him at the gym, so hot goddam, and he saw me, and he's so hot, oh baby. I forget where I was going with this. Hahahahahaha...

It's a Crazy Life

Despite the fact that I binged on Friday night, I woke up the next morning to be 103.8 lb. Still in the 103s, haven't gained. I guess it's because it was okra that I binged on. My mom cooked a lot of okra Indian style and oohhh my God, it is so tasty! But at least I haven't gained. Yesterday, I went to see a screening at the Toronto International Film Festival for a friend's 18th birthday. I didn't eat much. BUT: I was so fucking starving at 6:15 during the movie, I had a major headache and thought I was going to die. So I bought some chocolate covered almonds. I probably had 400 calories worth. I believe that's all fat, too. But I HAD to. I was going crazy. I'm not gonna think too much about it. That's the only bad thing I've had in a while. This morning I made my sister crepes and accidentally shoved 2, with nutella, in my mouth. 100 calories of refined carbs. Ugh. I'm gonna do some crazy circuit training after this entry.

There are never really any binge foods in my house anymore. Every time I go to the kitchen, looking for something, I find nothing. I've convinced my mother that buying junk is unnecessary because I don't eat it. So if I DO end up eating unnecessarily, it's healthy stuff like whole grains and fruit. Oh, and if you're looking to satisfy major sugar cravings, buy dates. You'll see. 1 or 2 will do the trick. I'm becoming a strong human being. In control. All I need to do now is focus more on school and I'll be set for life. Here's to getting thinner and gaining control.

Life's What You Make It

Vanilla almond milk is really good. I went grocery shopping with my mom yesterday, and, of course, since I have this obsession with looking at all the different foods and imagining myself trying and eating them, my mom tells me "oh you like that, put it in the cart!" Of course I know I shouldn't get it, but I put it in the cart anyway. My mom loves it when I say I want food, regardless of what it is. Ugh. I laugh at myself.

Binged yesterday and kept it in. I was just so lazy. I decided I DO NOT want to do adult ballet in September. I'm in an adult class now, and adults are just so...big and clumsy and they aren't interested in genuinely learning ballet, they just want some kind of "workout." So I went and switched to teen ballet. I barely made the cut, since I'm 18. Lucky me! Since there was a $5 difference in prices, they gave me FIVE free passes to use the gym! Yay! Now I don't have to pay $7 each time. Did I mention I can't wait to start university and start losing so much weight?Being at home so much is the cause of over-eating and binges. Ohh, I'm going to be thin and pretty! I have made that commitment. I'm sick of failing and waiting and dreaming of being thin. I am going to make this happen.

Crush

Last night, after realizing that the boy in the band will probably never like me, I decided that I need to do several things. I need to stop Facebook stalking, stop listening to his CD, and stop eating. I need to lose a shitload of weight. I need to feel a happiness again. My own sort of happiness, my own reality. Weight-loss will make me feel better. I can't believe I was developing a legitimate crush on this boy. It hurt really bad when I figured out (using Facebook) that he is getting close with another girl. I totally forgot what it feels like to have a crush. Anyway, so I'm gonna move on and lose a lot of weight by not eating unnecessarily.

I'm really tired of my "eating-it-because-it's-there" bullshit. Just because there is chocolate, bread, and almond butter around doesn't mean that I have to eat it! From now on, fruits and veggies will satisfy hunger. I'm sick of fat, especially. I think I'm going to stop eating meat. It's unnecessary fat. I'll only eat it when my parents are around so they won't bitch. Okay, so I'm gonna try to stay positive today! I'll be patient and await results. I think keeping a positive attitude will help me stay strong.

Never Procrastinate

Ugh. I was totally about to get off my mac book and go downstairs to do my killer boot camp workout, but my stomach has just started to ache terribly. In the cramp-y way. Dammit. I really wanted to burn off all the calories I ate today...I'll probably do some ballet later. Today I went to a middle school reunion party. Haha. We're all 17-19 and we hadn't seen each other in over 4-7 years, depending on the person. It was fun reminiscing on middle school times, grade 2, who "dated" who...The parents of the host BBQed burgers for us. I ate. Without giving a shit. I mean, I felt totally fat and all, but no one cared or noticed because they're normal people *coughAlishacough*.

At one point, my best friend was getting a drink and asked if my other friend and I wanted something. I said Sprite, got it, opened it, and started drinking it. I honestly didn't care about the sugar. I was feeling good. Then I caught this guy completely staring at me. He was staring with a look that, obviously, said 'oh, she's actually drinking that.' I looked away. Yes, I was wearing a tank top and, yes, my arms looked really thin and toned. Yes, I was the most toned girl there. And yes, I was the only girl there who was wearing short shorts who DID NOT have cellulite. I was actually horrified to see the amount of cellulite on my two beautiful best friends. One is 5'10, D-cuped, modelled, and is the most beautiful girl for miles (I have to try extra hard to look good when I'm going out with her). But the cellulite on her thighs...When I came home, I told my mother how grateful I am that I have been "looking after myself" as to not have their cellulite and then ran to the mirror to make sure I didn't have any.

I feel like I'm more toned than the above picture...But I still think it's lovely. Anyway, my dad and little sister went away to a friend's cottage so I'm at home with my mom. I hope she makes plans and doesn't bother me much. I can't wait for university life, the parties, the people...I'm going to a more "tame" school, it's the second best school in Canada. But I'm still hoping it'll be fun, despite it's boring/civilized reputation.

Laying Low

Well, I got my period yesterday...like a week late. Whatever. This sucks, anyway. My energy levels are so low because I haven't been eating a lot and because it's that time of the month I NEED to eat more. It's like an impulse. I can't help it. And when I eat, I feel more alive. Two slices of bread and it's like this massive surge of energy flowing through my body. At the same time, it sickens me. I don't have a car anymore, it'll be in the shop for 1-2 weeks...This is bugging the hell out of me because now I can't drive to my running trail and I can't drive to the pool and I can't drive myself places to get out of eating at home. Lately, for me, it's gotten to a point, where eating is like a chore. I just don't feel like it anymore. Only if I'm doubled over with hunger pangs will I go eat something. Otherwise, I'm more than happy to lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking.

I really don't want to be average. I want to be thin. Thinner. I want to stand out. I want to be noticed by boys. So, here's to thinking thin.

I Heart Confidence (And You)

Yesterday's dinner was completely enjoyable. I had creamy baked goat cheese on top of the best salad in the whole world. It was so good I wanted seconds. Of a salad! Then I had salmon on top of another salad. The salad was good and the salmon was boring. I'm kinda tired of always ordering the salmon salad where ever I go. So from now on, if I'm gonna have a cheat meal, it doesn't have to be the healthiest. Oh, and for dessert I had strawberries with a tiny scoop of vanilla bean ice cream and the buttery-est shortbread cookie in the world. I didn't feel bad at all about the meal. I was 102.5 lb, and one meal is not gonna make me any heavier next weigh-in. I got back into routine today. Except: I made chocolate chip cookie dough for my little sister and, of course, I started eating away at the cookie dough. I don't care what anyone or ana says, cookie dough is amazing. I probably had the equivalent of one cookie. Whatever. I kicked my butt today with circuit training and I'm going skating later tonight. I am getting very good at fooling my family. I am losing weight. I am gaining confidence. I am so thankful that I have an online community, here, where we all have similar goals and all you girls offer me your support.
I have to hand it to my parents. They are actually backing off my life. I am noticing it. I can eat whenever and whatever the hell I want. They think I've lost my ability to self-induce vomiting so they don't mind if I go to the washroom after eating. I can go out whenever I want. I can make spontaneous plans. I can skip dinner. I am on the road to 'normalcy.' No one will ever know my secrets. It's so fun to talk to people and laugh about certain things, and at the same time think "If only they knew who I really am and what I'm capable of." To my family, I am a mystery. They don't know any personal things about me. In a small strange way, I like being a mystery. Besides, don't guys like that quality in a girl? Okay, forget boys, they don't like me anyway. I'm self-spoken, too sarcastic, and I'm not afraid to say unusual things. Sometimes, my sarcasm gets mistaken for bitchiness. And I'm a feminist. And I'm the kind of girl who would use a boy for sex and mind games. So I completely understand if boys don't like me. But sometimes, I like to think that I'm the kind of girl boys like. Sometimes. And that's okay.
OKAY! Who's gonna lose at least 2 more pounds by next week? ME! Who's gonna make heads turn? ME! Who's gonna walk into university with overflowing confidence? ME! ME! ME! And to my lovely online community: Good luck with your goals! You are capable and everything is possible! Stay strong and beautiful!

Sunday Bloody Sunday

It's Sunday afternoon and my whole family is home. I absolutely hate it when they're all home because we usually eat meals together. Like, we had breakfast together this morning and it was absoute torture. Whenever we eat together, there is always some sort of discussion or argument that makes me feel uncomfortable, angry, and agitated. That's where my roots of 'feeling uncomfortable about eating' come from. Mom and stupid Dad want to make hamburgers for lunch. When I hear burgers, I think "Fat." So I'm just gonna do my mom the favour of picking up the shirt a friend left behind at a restaurant last night. That way, I don't have to be at home for fatty hamburgers. I'll stay out the rest of the day, if I can, to avoid the family. I'll tell my parents I'm with a friend. Then I'll go drop off the shirt. Excellent.I went out last night with a girl I used to hang out with at school, Brit. I never considered her a friend because I always try to avoid socializing (socializing=eating). But she considered me a friend, obviously, if she wanted to go out. [Wow, my eating disorder has made me forget how to be a friend...] Anyway, Brit is one of the few people I'm close with who DOES NOT know about my ED history. When I was with her, Ifelt like I could act completely normal because she treated me completely normal! She didn't treat me differently or all suspicious! It was so nice to feel normal! I'm so used to hiding and putting on an act. So I'm starting to realize that if I want to start making friends and being a friend, I should hang out more with people who know nothing about my ED history. I can't even describe how good I feel now that I know what I have to do to be normal again. I'm tired of putting on an act. I want to learn how to be normal again for university in September.

Weaknesses

I have been thinking about my weaknesses. Food weaknesses.
In particular, chocolate. As I put piece after piece of chocolate in my mouth, I think about how wonderful chocolate is and how everything is wonderful and how chocolate makes everything better. Soon, however, the feeling of fat appears in my stomach. Oh my GOD, I can feel myself getting fatter. I should stop. But it tastes sooo good. I should really stop. Okay, this is the last one. Holy shit that was good, maybe one more. Dammit. Must. Stop. Eating. Chocolate. I do stop before I go overboard.
Back to my topic of weaknesses. I am thinking that the only way to prevent me from indulging, unnecessarily, into things that are not healthy for me or are fattening is to not have them lying around. I'm just going to tell my mother to stop buying chocolate chips. If I want to make cookies, THEN I'll buy them. But don't keep buying them! I mean, she'll probably buy Toblerone bars instead, because she wants me to eat shit and gain weight, but I'll throw them away. My mom is so fucking annoying when it comes to my eating.
Weighed-in at 103.4 lb yesterday. What else is new. I hate this plateau. But I suppose it's better than gaining. I'm gonna cut down on my meat-intake. I'm also gonna up my veggie intake. I'm gonna do everything exactly the way I did the week that I lost 4.6 lb. My clothes are fitting nicely! My shorts and pants are loose! And my thighs are looking slimmer. There's still LOADS of work to do my thighs and hips, but progress is being made. Goal for this week: 100-101 lb by Friday 23?

Caved

Ate close to nothing. After dinner my sister and cousins wanted to go to Coldstone...so we went. Where I caved. But at least I had to sugar-free fat-free one, and I came back and purged it.
So tomorrow afternoon is my cousin's grad party for the teens. I can avoid eating because there are over 80 kids coming (she's so popular) and it's buffet. No one will tell me to eat. I'll avoid it. The evening is the adult party. Avoid eating again! I messed up with the Coldstone today, I really can't afford to slip up again. I CAN'T let myself be 104 lb on Monday.

Monday: I have to enroll in courses for university. Still not 100% sure what to take; I've got 3 out
5.
Wednesday: First day of ballet! I'm excited to get toned and learn to be more graceful!
Friday: Vans Warped Tour! Cute boys + great music = Fun!
Saturday: drop off my resume for the job at the bookstore.

I just want my hips and highs to shrink. Then I'd have a fairly pretty body. I need to do more cardio. NEED. Running 3 times a week, swim at least once a week, stairmaster at home when all else fails.

The Morning After

My graduation party last night was a complete disaster for me. Not food wise, but I was just getting more and more depressed as the night wore on. People would ask me where I'm going to school in September, and I would have to say, "University of Toronto, Mississauga campus..." I always sound so depressed when I talk about it. That's why I don't like to talk about it. I'm staying at home. And when people find out I'm going to UTM, they're like, "But first year in residence is an experience!" And I tell them I can't afford it so they drop it. It's a lie my parents told me to justify not sending me. The truth of the matter is that they are possessive of me. My mom admitted it today. It hurt my parents so much to see me so depressed all night. They regret not sending me to U of Toronto, downtown. My mom says I can try for second year. I just really want to get away from this house of hell.
I ate pretty well. Resisted crap. I kept repeating in my head, "you're are 105, don't screw up. You want to get to 104 soon!" I had gone for lunch with my sister and cousin to watch the USA-Ghana game. My sister and I shared fajitas, my cousin had wings and fries. I thought I'd be safe with one fajita, but I ended up loving the taste, having two, and devouring the remaining of my cousin's fries. Christ. I bolted to the bathroom during the extended game time, and purged most of that crap. Came back perfectly normal. For dinner I had 1 chip, 6 baby carrots, 4 cucumber slices, a bite of chicken, and a spoon of rice. Pretty damn good, huh! Everytime I want to eat something, I ask myself if I want to lose weight.
I'm proud of myself. I'm losing weight. I'm going to apply for the job at the book store, Chapters. I'm going to keep myself busy, not eat, and away from my family.

108.2

I am getting very good at avoiding eating. The entire year after my parents discovered my eating disorder, they watched me like a hawk. Life was hell. As my lovely followers know, a little while ago I informed my parents that they really cannot hassle me about food and eating anymore, I won't stand for it. So they don't really comment on my eating or question me anymore. My mom is a little worried still, but I couldn't care less, I'll just tell her to get over it. I'm really sad that I'm staying home for university. Sad that I'm STUCK here. With my parents. And their stupid house rules. It just breaks my heart every time I remember this fact: that I'm stuck here for the next for years, living at home under my parents rules. I've never had a job because my parents told me to focus on school. Now I regret it. I could have gotten out of here if I had had a job. Should I get a job? The thought of a job freaks me out, but I should get a job right?

When I came home at 8 tonight, I found out my period had arrived so I ate some chicken and rice (after saying I would skip dinner), and decided to binge on chocolate fondue and raspberries. So I went to purge that, got some out, but it was taking wayy to long to get out and I was like in my head 'this is getting awfully boring.' So I gave up, and a second later, my mom came home.
Anyway, so I'm getting good at avoiding eating. I'm thinking that once my exams are over (last one on Thursday!) I'll just stop eating. Only eating to keep from passing out. I really love Wasted. I can't stop reading it. It's preventing me from studying for Calculus and Chemistry. *sigh* Just think, Alisha, after tomorrow, you never have to deal with chemistry ever again.

^Summer thinspo! Stay strong and beautiful, lovelies!

Oh ya! I've decided to weigh myself WITHOUT subtracting weight for clothes and water and the like. (Wii fit allows you to do that...) So without subtracting anything, I'm...108.2 lb. Ewwwwww. NO WONDER nothing in my closet fits. That will change soon.

Mia

Yesterday, I tried again.
I ate a bunch of chocolate and some mango.
I stuck my fingers down my throat in a second attempt to see if I could still purge.
I did. I can. I still have that power. Boy, it excited the crap out of me.
I did it again today. Ate cookies and purged. Well then.
At least I have the power to "undo" my "eating-errors."
It turns out that other girls (that I know online) were right. The book Wasted DID trigger a relapse in me. I would never have tried to self-induce vomiting had I not read the book because I truly believed that I lost my gag reflex. Reading that Marya Hornbacher was bulimic for over 5 years made my mind think like that. So I relapsed, so what.

I'm completely depressed. I mean I was completely happy this afternoon, came home, started driving to restaurant with mom, and became completely overcome with depression. It was the worst. I was sick to my stomach with sadness. I came home, got into bed, and cried and cried and cried. Listening to Silverstein didn't help much. I was SO depressed, it's really not funny. Suicidal and everything...Scared the shit out of me. My heart was racing with anxiety, I was begging to God for the sadness to stop. It didn't.
That is what I want to look like. And I will, one day. Soon. Soon? Soon.

I heart cute soccer players and I hate malls

Yesterday, my mom took me to the mall to buy a grad dress. We found one. I shall post a picture of me in it after the 26th. It's long and white and completely lovely. I always thought I'd have a short mini grad dress, but not after trying this one on...My mom was so happy we found a dress that she bought me clear flip flops and a short blue party dress. After all the "un-daughterly" things I do...
I want Miranda Kerr's arms. My arms used to look like that...My arms look pretty floppy in the strapless dress. I need to do something about that. I'm gonna work out today. I'm so nervous about it, but I think once I get back into it I won't want to stop. Yesterday, I had 8 pieces of sushi at lunch with my mom at the mall. Really filled me up. Today is a 200 calories day.
OMG. So I ate some chocolate yesterday and felt shitty about it. I thought, 'okay, I haven't made myself throw up since January because I believed I lost my gag reflex. But there's no way I lost it, some people are bulimic for years!' So, last night, I stuck my finger down my throat and tried to make myself purge the chocolate. It didn't come up, I got annoyed, and called it quits. I think I'm just gonna avoid junk...
The food court at the mall depressed the hell out of me yesterday. I saw people, teenagers, eating. They looked so happy. Eating KFC, poutine, burgers, pizza...They looked like they didn't give a damn about how unhealthy that food was. Boy, with every passing minute I was getting more and more depressed. After my mom and I finished eating, I told her 'please let's go home now.'

So here's a cute soccer player from France: Yoann Gourcuff. *sigh*

106

Yesterday, I was good. Today I shall continue to be good. Haven't worked out yet, for some reason I really am starting to dread exercise, that's got to stop. I'm going with the assumption that I am 106 lb, because I weighed myself on Wii fit as 105.4 but that's minus 1 lb for clothes. I don't know. I thought I'd be sooo much more seeing as the doctor weighed me as 112 lb three weeks ago...But anyway, I'm that much closer to 95!

I came home about 30 minutes ago from the library, and saw my sister eating this Indian spicy rice that my mom makes and it is SOOO good, so I had a tiny plate of it with some chicken. Hopefully no one will be home tonight, so I can get away with skipping dinner, or just having a leaf of lettuce.
I can't wait until summer. My exam yesterday went pretty bad, that's what I get for not studying...But next week I have Calculus and dreaded Chemistry, I'm actually going to try for those. I just can't wait until summer so my parents can leave me alone for good, so I can TELL them, NO I DON'T FEEL LIKE EATING, RIGHT NOW! I just wish my parents didn't know that I had eating issues because now they don't treat me normally. They watch everything I eat, they press me about eating, they are always asking what I ate/eat. I'm not putting up with it anymore.

Yesterday, my parents actually told me that they're sad about the way I've been acting towards them. They said that they don't feel love from me, they find me acting so cold towards them, and I'm not as "daughterly" as most kids are with their parents, etc. They're sad about my coldness towards them. I'm not gonna deny it. I act mean towards them. It's not even a vocal mean. It's a silent, icy cold mean. I barely tell them anything and act emotionless to them. They deserve it, I mean, I hate them and all. If they weren't so nagging and annoying all the time, maybe it would be different. Ever since I was a small girl, they've been trying to get INTO my life, trying to snoop around. My mom says she's always had "spies" on me and my sister. She made it out like a joke, but I don't think so. Everything I've ever told my doctor, ex-therapist, ex-psychiatrist, even friends, my mom has found out. There is no way she could have found out unless she has spies. It could be that she read my diary, but I hide it...
I honestly never want to eat again. The only reason I'll eat is to keep from passing out. I can't wait to be under 100 lb...

A Note on Food and My Last Day

It's been a long time since I have actually had any will power. I have not given a shit about my eating for a while. But I have realized that today, I'm tired of eating. I mean, the only reason I ate today was to keep from fainting or because I was bored. Even yesterday, the only reason I kept opening the fridge was because I was bored. How stupid, huh. So, eating dinner today, I realized that I honestly wasn't hungry. In fact, I have gotten tired of eating. I was thinking, "Man, do I HAVE to eat? This has gotten so monotonous...Isn't there anything else I can do...?"
So I think I'm gonna stop binging every hour of the day. Once I bring down my intake, I believe I will have more energy and motivation to work out. Honestly, I've only worked out once in the past month...I used to exercise at least 3 times/week when I barely ate. And I was pretty sexy, all toned. Now, I'm just normally ugly. It's stupid and annoying and I can't wear anything sexy...

Today was my last day of high school ever. I mean, I'll go back for my 3 exams, but today was the actual last day. Me and two girls did the senior "prank." Everyone thought it would flop or be lame, so no one helped. But we did it anyway. We hung a "Penitentiary" sign over the school sign and put "NO WORK" caution tape across the entrance pillars. We bought rolls of streamers, weren't sure what to do with them, so we just weaved them through the lockers and across the hallway to create a maze that you had to go under or over. It fell apart pretty fast as soon as kids started coming out of class, but anyway. We released balloons around the school. We filled up 200 water balloons and when the whole school was outside for the end-of-year barbeque, we got the grade 12s together and we started throwing the water balloons randomly everywhere. A lot of kids (including myself) got soaked and when the balloons ran out, kids started going at each other with water bottles. It was SO MUCH fun. The grade 12s agreed it was fun, not lame. It was pretty cool to be partly responsible for this. Last period, we hung a pinata from the ceiling in the common area and went at it. In my tiny private school, I'm one of the quietest kids, the kind who never goes to socials, and doesn't talk to anyone. But not today. And because of all this "prank planning" I barely ate!

I'm not gonna lie, I thought I'd leave this school with no emotions, no fun. But I had fun today, I was noticed today, I was told I am going to be missed. I had emotions and I had fun today. And I am going to lose the shit-load of weight I've gained since March.
Amen.

Uhhh, Obviously

Okay, soooooo...I just want to be skinnyyyy. Skinny like a model.
I have to stop eating. Like, stat. I CAN stop. I tell myself this all the time. But sometime or the other, I end up thinking something stupid like, Day-um I really want come chocolate and cookies, who cares about getting fat, they're sooo good. So I'll go ahead and eat them..And I won't care about it, until I look in the mirror and see how fat I've gotten.

Whhhaaatt a looooser.

What I really want to do, as soon as my exams are done, is go to the zoo and spend a lot of fucking time in the underwater animals section.
And get skinny stick thin. And I'll have SO MUCH time to work out like crazy. No one can tell me that I have to eat.

Thinspo!

I need more self control.
Pretty girl, when will you realize that if you don't turn the page it will eventually turn on you.

Happy Birthday and Lifestyle Changes

I love running. I love knowing that I'm getting more fit, and I'm burning calories. I love feeling free. I went for a fitness swim for the first time in 3 years. It was the best thing I've done in a long time. I like swimming so much, now, that I wish I could go every other day! But I can't because my hair would get so dry and ruined from chlorine. (I only have to wash my hair once a week, as it is...) So every Friday, I'll go for a fitness swim.

I hate coming home and looking in the mirror and realizing how fat I am. So I'm not going to look at my body or weigh myself until Wednesday.
I've decided that restricting doesn't work for me. I'm going to go about this by eating 6 times a day, less than 150 calories each time. Also, I'm taking a break from calorie counting. Honestly, it has gotten so tiresome, despite using an iTouch app. I am going to get healthier. This is not going to be a temporary diet; it is going to be a LIFESTYLE. I need to make some serious changes in my life and my eating habits will be one of them.

I am 18 today. I am going to make my life better.