I ate a bunch of chocolate and some mango.
I stuck my fingers down my throat in a second attempt to see if I could still purge.
I did. I can. I still have that power. Boy, it excited the crap out of me.
I did it again today. Ate cookies and purged. Well then.
At least I have the power to "undo" my "eating-errors."
It turns out that other girls (that I know online) were right. The book Wasted DID trigger a relapse in me. I would never have tried to self-induce vomiting had I not read the book because I truly believed that I lost my gag reflex. Reading that Marya Hornbacher was bulimic for over 5 years made my mind think like that. So I relapsed, so what.I'm completely depressed. I mean I was completely happy this afternoon, came home, started driving to restaurant with mom, and became completely overcome with depression. It was the worst. I was sick to my stomach with sadness. I came home, got into bed, and cried and cried and cried. Listening to Silverstein didn't help much. I was SO depressed, it's really not funny. Suicidal and everything...Scared the shit out of me. My heart was racing with anxiety, I was begging to God for the sadness to stop. It didn't.
That is what I want to look like. And I will, one day. Soon. Soon? Soon.
It is scary how things like that can so easily trigger us. Very scary.
ReplyDeletei feel like im slipping away. im eating whn im hungry. i want to get tht book and see if it triggers me some more. i would love to have the body of tht girl someday.
ReplyDeleteHey, I'm a guy and just wanted to say that girl in the photo looks gross. Don't worship thin models or you will only ever want to be thinner and thinner, which is really unhealthy. I actually like a bit of chubbyness on a girl myself :)
ReplyDeleteGod bless