Searching

I bought the book Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher yesterday, and I am 40 pages through it. I am thoroughly interested in it. It made me think about myself and my situation and my life with an eating disorder. I am trying to look back and think about underlying causes, things that had built up, how all this started.

So, this morning, I opened my April 26, 2008-November 17,2009 journal. Flipped through it. Read excerpts, pages, days. I remember the first time I stuck my finger down my throat and induced vomiting, but I never wrote it down (that record is on my xanga site); it was July 8, 2008. It just killed me inside when I read that in November 2008 I was 95 lb. Back in those days, I purged almost everything.
It has occurred to me that the reason that I am going completely crazy these days, crying randomly and fighting the urge to scream out loud and such, is because there is so much on my mind. School, chemistry, final exams, friends, weight, food, university...I barely have time to think about myself. Not thinking about myself is what is causing my insanity. How can I manage myself if I don't even make time to think about myself.

Wow, I'm messed up. More on this subject later. One more week of school left...