Why?

Why can't I just stop eating? Why did I have to slip up and not care about my eating for the past 3 months? I was I so stupid? I do not have answers to those questions.
But, dammit, I am so fucking motivated to lose 20 pounds and get back down to 95, shed this excess skin.

Honestly, it is so gross to look at my hips. I have a really skinny upper body compared to my lower body, especially my hips. Like, I swear to God, my hips are ENORMOUS. It wasn't always this bad, I just HAD to gain 12 pounds in 3 months...Idiot that I am...
Tomorrow, I have my first exam. One out of three. I am going to start the 2-4-6 diet. I know of a major success story out of that diet. I no longer give a shit about my parents and how they feel about me eating. This is NOT about them. It is NOT. It is about ME. Me me ME! I am number ONE. Being skinny is number ONE. I long to feel light, bony, and in control. It sounds so good...I feel like nothing is in my control these days.

It's like my parents think they know everything, they want to keep me in this box for as long as possible. They don't know everything! Last night, we went out for Italian and my dad started arguing with me about how when I turned 18 I probably thought that I knew everything. Like, what the FUCK!? He was all like, "You, probably, like most teenagers, thought you were so much smarter and that now you know everything, on the day you turned 18." I was like, "Uh, no, why would you think that, who thinks like that anyway?" He just kept pressing on about how I probably thought I was so much smarter now that I am 18. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. My dad always assumes shit like this. He always starts shit. He is the biggest dumb fucking asshole in the universe. And he smells.

That's one reason why I hate eating, especially around other people. Like if I'm binging, I'll hear my dad come home and IMMEDIATELY, I will hide the evidence and leave the kitchen because I hate eating around him. I mean eating around people, ESPECIALLY my dad, makes me so uncomfortable. This is most likely because ALL of our family arguments happen at family dinners. That explains it.
So tomorrow's limit, 200 calories. Can I do it?