Winner

I managed to calm my nerves and went to the gym today for the first time in..two weeks. Here's what I noticed. I've gotten so heavy that I can't hold myself up when I run on the treadmill. It sounds really bad, but that's what happens when you gain 15 lb in a month! My body isn't used to the weight. I stopped running and spent 30 minutes on the stationary bike. I suppose I'm going to have to ease myself back into running... Oh well, it'll get better once the weight starts coming off. I've been good today. My main focus is regaining control over my body and my life. No more being sad. I'm doing something about it. And about getting therapy: I realize that my ED issues are tied in with my current social anxiety, but I also realize that my anxiety is tied in with the sudden lack of confidence due to extreme weight gain. Therefore, once I get down to [at least] 100-103 lb, my happy weight, I'll be "back to normal." Confidence will be boosted, anxiety will be reduced. Four weeks of classes left. I'm studying like a dog. I will be in control.

So far I've had 350 calories. For dinner, I'm going to have scrambled egg whites (30) and steamed asparagus (20). Wow, that'll make my total only 400! Good job, Lishy.

A Deadline and Felice Fawn

That last post was about my agoraphobia. My social anxiety issues. I'm getting a therapist to help me deal with social situations/going outside, NOT to get rid of my ED issues. No. I need to get thin, first, haha. Key word: NEED. Like, I know for a fact that once I lose these shitty 10 lb, I will be confident again. Losing weight is the key to my happiness and my success. It works every time. It's the weekend, and I will not binge. Nope! I'll be controlled alllll weekend. Why? Because I have 4 weeks to lose 10 lb. I am DOING this. I'm treating this like a deadline, a project that cannot be late. I'm not a loser. I'm a winner. I fight for what I want.

I am envious and obsessing over Felice Fawn.

(Except I want nothing to do with Satanism.)

Change

Things are getting better now that I've dropped calculus. The beauty of the world is starting to find its way back into my eyes. I feel better. About everything. Still fat, however. But that's changing. I want control over my body, again. I want to feel better in public. I want to be thin. That's all. I want to be boney. Skeletal. I want to float. Without calculus, I now have time to hit the gym every single day. This is so wonderful. But my main problem is over-eating when I come home in the evening. That won't happen tomorrow. It won't because I won't let it happen. I'm changing my life. I have no excuse. My goal was to lose 4 lb this week, but I'm changing it to 2 lb to be realistic.

This is happening. This is going to happen. I will reach 93 lb before I turn 19 on May 24, if it's the last thing I do. I am making this commitment, now. I don't need to eat. I was flipping through my journals today and I realized that I am nothing like the way I thought I'd be this year. Well, like I said, I'm changing my life. Eating makes me feel powerless and out of control. That's disgusting. Well, YOU KNOW what's going down tomorrow. Let's see how controlled I can be. Tomorrow: NO CARBS, NO FAT. I am so sore from all this working out. And ballet class was killer. But I have to fucking lose weight, I'm sick of feeling fat all the time.

It's Over

Okay, that's it. I'm way to sad to deal with all this shit. I had enough experience dealing with bullies, being stood up, let down and back-stabbed when I was 14. I shut down my emotions after leaving that school. But I never lost faith in humanity. There was always a part of me that believed that one day I'd be okay, I'd be happy, and I'd have real friends one day. But now I'm in university. Nothing's different. And my faith in humanity is diminishing. I haven't found happiness or friends yet. During orientation week, I introduced a friend from my high school to another friend and now the two of them are closer than either of them ever were to me. They had invited me to go clubbing with them on Thursday, but never got back to me on the details. Now their Facebook statuses are like "riding through Toronto in a limo, singing at the top of our lungs, taking pics with strangers at the CN Tower and dancing the night away...best night of uni." Well, that's what I always wanted, to have friends and go on adventures like that and have fun like that. But I don't. I have zero friends. I have no emotions. I have no fun. I'm not happy. And I'm not even thin!

So why am I saying all this? I'm saying that I'm done. It's over. I through looking. I don't need friends. I don't need them to be happy. There is only one thing that I need: to be thin. If I can grasp the control over my life, lose 20 pounds, stay strong...then I'll be happy, I'll be satisfied. So I'm not going to eat anymore. Just the bare minimum. This is self-destruction at its finest. I mean, who do those girls think I am anyway?! I suppose they know that I'm a bit reserved. But what if I said to them on Monday, "So thanks for getting back to me about Thursday night!" I should put them on the spot like that. What would they say? What does that tell me about them? Those bitches. Those Christian, youth-group goers, family-oriented, two-faced, no-good bitches. All this talk is probably making me seem very ugly, I'm sorry.

So I guess that's that. I've finally found the motivation to stop eating. I have no one and probably I never will. So I might as well stop eating and lose this weight. At least it keeps me busy, happy, goal-oriented, mentally strong...I only have myself. It's time to do this right. Once and for all.

Fight It

I'm sick. Greeeaaat. My eyes won't stop watering. My nose is stuffed. My throat is swollen...This sucks. I can't concentrate on anything. This week has been so exhausting. I can't wait for the weekend. Something's happening to me. I can't shake it, but I have to figure it out. Things are keeping me up at night. Things are frightening me. Things are overwhelming. Sometimes I think of killing myself. But that's why I turn to weight loss. When I lose weight, when I control my intake and my body, I feel at peace. I feel happy. I feel like I can accomplish anything. The "fuck it" attitude (which often leads to binges) is the worst possible attitude to have. I have to remember that my entire life revolves around my body image. This is who I am. Without ED, I'm nothing. I have to lose weight, I have to! I gained 6 lb over Christmas. There. I said it. I'm a fighter, though. I'm going to fight everything. I'm going to WIN. I'm going to lose weight, consistently. This is the year I reach my ultimate goal weight of 93 lb.

And thanks, girls, for the advice on the boy! I'll keep you updated!

Lifestyle Plan

So many of you wanted me to post my new lifestyle plan, so here we go! The editor was messing up the last couple times I tried to post it... Anyway, this plan lays out a beautiful life. It's what I've always strived for. I hope it inspires some of you lovelies! Let's do this. xo

- Eat healthier

- No bread ever for the rest of my life. It's a trigger food.

- Diet should focus on vegetables. Aim to eat a salad as a meal 4 times per week.

- Meat is allowed once a day, but ONLY if I'm with family.

- No fat, whatsoever.

- Eat every 2-3 hours, don't go longer unless exercising.

- breakfast: muesli+nf yogurt+ raspberries = 150 cals

- Snack: rice cake= 40 cals

- Snack/Lunch: apple or salad or veggies= less than 50 cals

- Snack: nf yogurt= 35 cals

- Every time you get the urge to binge/eat junk, don't move, don't get up. Just think about it. You shouldn't give into those urges. Think about it.

- No one gives a shit about you or what you "like" or what you post so don't even bother with Facebook.

- You don't need to check every single thing on your dashboard on tumblr.

- Limit internet leisure to 60 minutes per day.

-In the 60 minutes: check blogger, tumblr, xanga, e-mail, and/or update blog.

- YOU DO NOT NEED TO CHECK YOUR E-MAIL MORE THAN ONCE PER DAY.

- This hour is scheduled for evenings.

- Exercise every single day.

- Pilates class every Wednesday. Ballet class every Tuesday.

- Work out at the gym every Monday, Thursday, and Friday.

- Min. 30 minutes cardio, min. 15 minutes strength training. Weights, calisthenics, stretching.

- End workout with at least 15 minutes of low-impact cardio.

- Once a week, go for a pleasure run. This is optional and/or for stress relieving.

- Work abs no more than 3 times per week (non-consecutive days).

- On "rest" days, do as many push-ups as you can.

- Try to practice ballet everyday. Even if you come home at midnight, try to get in 15 minutes.

- Stretch every single night. Whatever you do, don't skip a day; otherwise you'll end up back at square one.

- Put in at least 24 hours of studying per week.

- Never procrastinate. Prioritize.

- Read a book every month, depending on length of book.

- Go outside more. Take a walk. It's not too cold to take a 15-minute walk to pick up/drop off the mail.

- Get at least 8 hours of sleep.

- You will regret not going to that concert. So do your homework at go to the show!

- In your spare time read books or academic journals, write down your thoughts, take pictures, and/or stretch.

- In your daily life, aspire to be like a Victoria's Secret angel: personality, smile, fashion, beauty, confidence.

- Don't judge anyone. Always be genuine.

- Always look your best, regardless of where you're going.

- Never care about what anyone thinks. Be yourself.

- Do not be afraid of the world.

- If you want to go to the library, go. Ignore the stares that always follow you when you walk.

- If you want to take a trip into Toronto to clear your head and be inspired, go.

- The answer to all your problems: punk rock. (I didn't want to generalize the wonderful genre of punk-rock, so here's a separate link!)

- You are amazing and strong. Show them what you're made of.

- Oh and have fun! This is a journey to becoming the best you can be!

Good luck in the new year, dolls!

Going Insane

I haven't been on blogger in a while. I've been going as crazy as I was the week before my Biology exam (the 15th). Crazy, because I didn't do any school work the past 3 weeks. Now, I'm stressing over Economics readings, Psychology readings, and Calculus. Six days before term 2. Shit. I cannot wait to go back to school, but I have to get this work done, first. And fucking hell, I hate being at home. I've been binging like a pig. Miss Alisha is no thinspiration this week. My sister is throwing her massive sweet 16 bash on the 30th and my cousins are coming from Singapore and my parents want me to go to their welcome dinner tonight, but FUCK I have all this Economics reading and shit to do! wrefhdjknwejdskgoinginsane.

The plan for this week is to focus on catching up. I'm also creating a lifestyle plan for 2011. Because in 2011, I WILL NOT fail. Things will be different. I'll be thin. Therefore, I'll be happy. I'll be in control.

Five Pounds Lighter By Christmas

At ballet I ended up wearing my leggings with a long-but-tight long-sleeved black shirt. It was fine. Except that my hips were too wide. And my thighs were too thick. It was repulsive to look at myself in the mirror. I'm actually referring to myself as repulsive! I never thought I'd sink this low. But tomorrow is a very big day. Tomorrow, I will write my Biology exam at 4 PM, and should finish within three hours. Tomorrow, I can start focusing on myself, instead of Biology. These past 10 days, I have disregarded my physical health, which in turn negatively affected my mental health. Direct correlations. But tomorrow that changes. I am so excited for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I am going to work out. It's going to be hard, since I have't done it in so long, but it will feel amazing. I will feel amazing. I'm ready to start looking after myself again. I'm ready to feel beautiful. I'm ready to make a difference in my life.

Tomorrow I will follow my usual meal plan. The one I followed all school year. Tomorrow, everything changes. OMG, and I picked up the mail, and a $100 tax refund check came for me! So here's the deal: If I can lose 5 lb by Christmas, I'll buy myself an entire outfit. A dress with tights and shoes, or a top, cardigan, and skinnies... I have no idea what I weigh now, but I'll find out tomorrow morning. But I KNOW I've gained a substantial amount of weight and I've been eating too much because I've been pooping twice a day. Ya, ya, TMI, I know... So...FIVE POUNDS! Who else wants to lose 5 lb, by xmas? Let's support each other?

I'm making a new year's resolution list. The person I want to be, the things I want to be able to do, the goals I want to accomplish...It's still a work in progress, but I'm trying to carry out the resolutions now. Why wait until 2011? Start making the change now!

Getting There

I seem to have gotten stronger. Every morning before I drag myself out of bed, I tell myself that I will not binge and why. It works. I am eating more vegetables and resisting the carbs. I seriously have taken in enough carbs to last a life time. I'm focusing on slowly decreasing my intake because I don't want to go STRAIGHT into starvation after all this binging. That'll only slow my metabolism down. By January, my goal is to be able to survive on 100 calories a day, the way I could in late November. Today there was NO food in the house, but I couldn't help but LOOK for food. I stared into the cupboards. Nothing. Opened the fridge. Nothing. Opened the freezer. Nothing. Opened the fridge again, as if something magically could have showed up. Nothing. Opened the cupboards again. Nothing. "I feel like baking," I announced. My sister was the only one home; she looked at me and continued watching TV. I dug up some chocolate from the cold cellar, shoved it in my mouth, opened some thinspo sites, and stopped eating chocolate. I wasn't even enjoying the chocolate.

So I've been obsessing with the Victoria's Secret angels' videos on youtube. I've decided that a goal of mine is to be like the angels. Hot body, beautiful glowing skin, and a personality to succeed. Supermodels in general are a total inspiration. I want that kind of confidence. That kind of beauty, inner and outer. I want a gap between my thighs, for the first time in my life. I want to exhibit complete control over my entire being. So...here's to eating less and becoming the most beautiful I've ever been!

And there's Karlie in the most beautiful Dior dress I've ever seen. Before I end this, I want to shout out to Alex at Skeletal Thoughts. She's has a lovely blog but she doesn't have a lot of followers and could really use your support! If you get a chance, stop by her site to say hi. xo

Compulsions

Thank-you, Isobel and Adeline for your kind words. I would like everyone to know something. After google-ing site after site, I have, uh, "self-diagnosed" myself with bulimia. How sick. I've realized that as long as I eat, I am not happy. When I eat, I cannot focus on anything. I am going to be completely honest with everyone. Every time I eat (without purging), every time, I have this obsessive compulsion to work out. It's like I need it so bad, like a drug. My heart starts racing and my breathing quickens and I start panicking and I have to drop and do 20 pushups, squats and lunges, after which I feel better. Calmer. I have to, or my heart doesn't calm the fuck down, and I can't think of anything else. If I don't do some sort of exercise, I can't focus. On anything, other than my racing heart.

I am going to change this bulimic thing. It's so stupid. Tomorrow it shall be as if it never existed. Tomorrow, I won't even enter the kitchen. I won't even leave my room, except for the bathroom. Tomorrow, I change everything. For the better. Because, mark my words, come Christmas, everyone will stare.

That song is for all of you, lovelies. I am forever grateful for your support.

Mail Exchange?

Lately my life has been lacking inspiration and raw human beauty. I need to broaden my horizons, reach out to the world, to people, listen to their stories, share mine. I've kept a few pen pals over the years, and I think it would be really cool to get a few more. Let's exchange letters. They're pretty cheap to send across North America, and not much more for international. There are so many lovely things you can put in an envelope. It's a change to get creative, paint, take pictures, send magazine clippings, write...I'm sure everyone has beautiful things to send! I do. E-mail me if you're interested: *removed*

Last night I dreamed that I was so thin for Christmas, I was 96 lb. Everyone stared but no one said anything. I was filled with utmost joy and pride. Today's going to be a good day. I can feel it pulsing through my veins. Today will be a good day. I am on the edge of my seat with excitement. Who's gonna be in the 90s for Christmas? Me. Oh and an anonymous asked how long I've been doing ballet. I started in July this year! And I absolutely love it. I'm 18, so it's really never too late! I just have to work harder to improve my flexibility.

Action Plan

I no longer trust myself at home. I just had a slice of bread and feel terrible. Today was supposed to be perfect. I guess home is just not the right environment for me. I have barely studied an hour. I put in 30 min yesterday and 30 minutes today. I have wasted over 15 hours this entire break. That makes me sick. So here's my plan of action. Tomorrow, and the rest of the goddam break, I am hauling myself out of the house and making it to UTM for 12. I will work out at the gym for 60-90 minutes. Then I'll head to the library and spend the rest of my hours there, studying Biology. (It's open 24 hours since it's exam period.) I can come home AFTER 8 PM, which is when I can do my push-ups then practice some Calculus.

Push-ups are becoming a very important part of my day. Today I did 81. Being away from home, I'll be able to stick to my meal plan. I'll be able to focus. I'll be able to get into the "habit" of restricting. That way I'll be stronger when I'm at home, unable to go to the lib. I need to be a fucking genius. I need to be skinny. I need to be perfect. That's what I need. I have 6 lb to lose in 18 days. I'm slowly getting frustrated and discouraged. But not completely, because I KNOW that I'm 100% capable of losing 4 lb in a week. It's happened on more than one occasion.

Fucking dad has just informed me that tomorrow he's taking my car to get snow tires put on. So I won't have the car. Great. Fucking great. Mom can drop me off, but that's highly inconvenient because I won't have a place to dump my gym bag after I work out. I could start my action plan on Wednesday... Bloody fuck, I want action NOW! I'm sorry about my language. On a different note, I wish I had money so I could move out of my parents house. If I'd known that I'd grow up to hate this place so much, I'd have gotten a summer job all those years ago. But I've never had a job, and I can't get a job now because being a student my full time job. ... Christ, I guess I'll start the plan on Wednesday and pretend that my room the the lib tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I'll be that tiny^. Soon. Less than 18 days. You'll see. Everyone will see. Gym Hottie will see. Hahahaha, yeah right...

Reflections

I guess you could say, I'm making progress. Or you could say I'm at a standstill. Yes, I've been eating better, and yes, I've been exercising a lot. I've been eating better since Wednesday. But, I must mention that I've been having Nutella. Jesus. Christ. THAT IS A FORBIDDEN ITEM. It's not SAFE. It's BAD. But I've been having it. Not enough to make me gain weight, though. And today, I was so good, but at 7 45 PM when it was just me and my sister at home, I had a bowl of cereal with almond milk, some french fries, lots of Nutella, and bread with jam. Today. I'll probably gain from that, but I'm just trying to focus on doing better from NOW ON. I'm sorry I let that binge happen. But it did, and I can't go back, but I can do better in the future.

I am very terrified that I won't make it to the 90s for xmas. So terrified, that the thought leaves a lump in my throat, a wrench in my stomach. It scares me to death. THIS EXACT TIME last year is when I set my 93 lb UGW. My journal says I was supposed to be there by December 18th, 2009. I didn't make it. There are numerous scribbles: the date kept having to be pushed. It's still being pushed. It's heartbreaking to realize that I've been such a failure. But no. Not this time. No. One year later, I am going to make it. I am going to beat this. I'm going to win. I'm going to be thin. I'm going to have. It. All.

I do my best if I plan my intake. Here we go: breakfast: usual muesli with raspberries and nonfat yogurt (150), apple (50), bread+jam (100), yogurt (35), rice cake (40). That's about 400 calories a day. No exceptions, no add-ins, NOTHING. That's the PLAN. That's the DIET. That's my LIFESTYLE until I reach my goal. This is a decision I'm making for ME, for my sanity. I'm making this conscious decision. And I HAVE to eat every 3 hours, without fail. If not, I end up binging. I'll stick to this plan. It's the only way I'll be safe.

I didn't go to the gym today, on account of my malnutrition was causing a bad headache and I felt light-headed which would be bad at the gym, so I went home at 4. However, I did 30 minutes of leisure ballet practice. I really worked up a sweat, I was surprised! That means lots of calories were burned. I guess I'll be doing ballet more often! I want to be super tiny for ballet. Our recital is in May, and we don't have our costumes yet, but I want my thighs and hips to shrink drastically for ballet. To be lovely and graceful.

What A Beaut

Going crazy. That's what a 2500 calorie binge will do to you. Stomach so full I could barely walk back to my room, without hunching over. But I've read all your blogs and I am so thinspired. You girls don't want to know how much weight I've gained this week. I'm nervous to go to the gym tomorrow. The thing is, I've gained so much that going to the gym tomorrow will barely make a dent. But I have to stay strong and patient. Results will come. I am strong and patient. I am no longer going to feel sorry for myself. I am no longer going to give in to temptation and desires to binge. That's not what life is about. Life is about winning. I'm not a loser. I'm not going to settle for fat. Ugh. I'll be a beauty.

I'm gonna be a beauty by Christmas. Apparently there are only 40 days left until Christmas. Did you know I could have been less than 100 lb by now? But I kept fucking up. Not anymore. I am DOING THIS. I'm going to be skinny. Tiny. Adorable. Graceful. None of this disgraceful hunching over because of a full stomach.

Oh. Uh, would any of you be interested in seeing a picture of the Gym Hottie? After 2 months of searching and digging around, I finally found his facebook profile. Haha. Posting his pic here is probably the creepiest thing I could do, but whatever, he doesn't know me, you girls don't know him, so who cares! He's so hot...Too bad he has noo clue who I am. Or not, haha. I start salivating looking at his pictures, like wtf. Ohhhh, life, isn't it grand...!?

It's Worth It

Take your hands and run them over your body. Feel how alive you are. How you could ever have taken life for granted. How you could have ever misread the signals. How you never listened, how you never take your own advice. How you were scared to talk to that crush. How everything you've ever done up until this point never meant a thing. All you need is love. If there's anything I could say to sum up how I feel right right now, it's alive. And I was thinking that I could be happy if I could be skinnier. I could float through my life, and be able to remember things in a different way. I'd remember because I'd be happy. If I'm as fat as I am now, why would I choose remember? I don't want to forget my goal. I will never forget. The next time, I give myself the freedom to eat, will be when I'm less than 100 lb. For now, I am not free. I won't allow it.

My father has left for Maui, Hawaii for 10 days on a pharmaceutical conference. AWESOME. Go shawwty, it's ya birthday, we gonna party like it's ya birthday! I HATE my dad more than I hate my mom, so that's one less annoyance in my life for 10 whole days! Wheeeee! Right now, I'm stressing because I've got today and tomorrow afternoon to write a 3 page essay for Biology. I chose a topic that I'm really interested in: Is high-fructose corn syrup more detrimental to human health than sugar; so it's not so bad. What's bad is that I've left it to the last minute. Procrastinated, which is something I swore I'd never to again. Oh well. I'm gonna try harder to be strong. I don't try as hard as I should, and I tend to give up after one slip-up, binging the rest of the day. I'm gonna try harder to be strong. I'm hearing so many success stories. I want to be 95 lb for Christmas. So bad. Thin, thin. This is really what I want. From every inch of my heart.

MOD

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. Gonna be SHUT UP in my room ALL DAY syudying for my Psychology test which is on Monday. I am planning on eating non-fat yogurt today. That's it. No other foods. I mean, no other food is acceptable. I hope like hell, my parents go out tonight. I itch with excitement at the thought of losing weight. A major problem with me is that when I study for too long, my mind wanders. Not to thoughts of food, it's always to thoughts about sex. It gets to a point where I can't stop thinking about having hot sex with the gym hottie, and I'm not studying anymore. So that's when I take a break. Taking a break is good. Today, my breaks will occur every 2 hours and will consist of eating the non-fat yogurt and/or journaling. I've planned everything out. Everything goes so much smoother when I plan it out. And I end up much more successful.

My jeans are getting wayy too lose. It's brutally annoying trying to pick out something in the morning. So I bought a belt yesterday. I hate wearing belts. But I don't want to spend all that money to buy new jeans. Although, I could use ONE new pair of skinny jeans. Yeah!, I think I deserve a new pair. There's a pair of jeans that I have not worn once in my closet that I bought in September. On account of I have lost a crap load of weight since then, those jeans are now too big. I feel stupid having spent the money on those jeans, it might be too late to exchange/return then, I don't know. I'm gonna try anyway. :D With a new skinny body in the works, I need to start buying cuter prettier clothes and start looking pretty and fashionable. Very Model-Off-Duty kind.

Thanks for all your lovely comments on the last post! I'm really motivated. I just want all of you to stay strong, never give up, and NEVER procrastinate. xo

Tis Better To Be Feared Than Loved

Everyone was blogging about bingeing so I binged. It was completely accidental. I swear. I purged some, but not all. So I'm probably still around 103 lb. Not weighing until Tuesday. Plus, I got my period yesterday. Sucks. I'm totally bloated. It kinda makes me laugh, because I LOOK like I've gained 3 lb, but I know I haven't, that's impossible...right? I don't know. I still laugh, because I know that I am capable of being 100 lb by Tuesday or Wednesday regardless. I've been hanging out with my inner bitch a lot lately. I spent a long time on Facebook chat talking to a guy I met once, in September, giving him all sorts of attitude, hinting how cold I can be. He wasn't turned off in the slightest, but I don't care anyway; he's fat and ugly. Some days it bothers me how self-centered and bitchy I can be. But most days, I don't care. I am an extremely powerful girl. I scare people [away]. That's powerful. In high school, kids were intimidated by my silence. THAT's power. Fucking Queen Alisha at her finest. Okay, maybe not. Come back down to earth, missy.

My life revolves around exercise, calories, weight, avoiding food...That's why I am the way I am. I obsess over control. Knowledge, control, and ultimate power. As a kid, I used to have these fantasies where I'd be...taking over the world. Scary. Sometimes I think, no boy would ever fall in love with me, want to be with me. What's sad, is that I'm a hopeless romantic. I have dreams of finding "the one," a love story. Someone who'd love me for being the person I am. Yes, I have attitude, but it's usually intended to be funny and sarcastic. For now, I can just focus on weight loss. No one worth my friendship or heart has arrived yet. I'm also an artist. I never talk about that stuff on here. I have an intense sense of aesthetic. I am a writer. I take pictures of the city. For those of you with a xanga and interested in my writing : http://xox-blackroses-xox.xanga.com/ Not much else to say, other than I'm gonna lose 3 lb by Tuesday. Weeeee!

The Scheme

I'm really sick. Like, sick in the head. Ana and Mia are raging inside me. I'm not usually like this. Usually me and Ana are frolicking around weightlessly and powerful. But currently there is a war. I'm fighting, believe me. I cannot bear this mental pain, but I have to fight, I'm a fighter. I am very sick. It doesn't help that I'm tired, as well. I need to sleep. Maybe then, this fighting will stop and me and Ana can live in peace.

I'm scared of the treadmill, now. What if I slip and fall again? I suppose I'll just use the indoor track for a while, until I feel safe again. Sorry for this lousy tone...I'll be okay. At least, I hope so. Wait, NO! I KNOW so! I WILL be okay! I can WIN this! I'm not afraid of hunger, or the pain, or the fight! Goddam, this is going to be so hard, but I'll make it. I'll make it. I'm cutting out bread and rice and refined carbs, after breakfast, completely starting tomorrow. That's Plan A. I'll get at least 8 hours of sleep EVERY night. I'm only allowed 90 minutes of casual Internet surfing daily. The Scheme To Eat No More is starting now. NOT tomorrow. NOW.

Fighter

I don't need food. I don't need anymore. I don't need food. I swear. I swear. I'm sorry, body, for putting you through so much bull shit this weekend, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I swear, it will only get better. I swear.

I am going to be 95 lb by Christmas, IF IT KILLS ME! Wow, haha, I'll be so thin and lovely by then. Everyone will stare and admire my control.

I'm reading Wasted again, to figure out how to do all this. Marya talked about always having something to do, studying 10 hours a day, and keeping busy. I think that's what I need to do. They didn't have internet back then. I need to cut back on my Internet time, seriously. I'm going to drastically cut back on my eating, too. I'm a fighter.

Story of my life.

New Take

Good girls don't eat. A girl who want to be the skinniest will not eat. So that's what my new take is. Good girls don't eat. Basically, I just want to staaaarrrrve my way to thinness. I mean, eating seems to take up a lot of my time, which is really dumb. I want complete control over what goes into my body and the way it looks. I want to see a skeleton when I look in the mirror. Maybe then I'll be satisfied. I want to do this only to prove to myself that I can do it, that I'm capable of accomplishing something, that I'm not completely useless.

No food, no fat, no binging, no no not even a nibble. Just the bare minimum. Me and Bella are going to make it 100 lb this week! Well, we're aiming for it. And honestly, it's 100% do-able. Like, we HAVE what it takes. ALL OF US have what it takes! The power lies within us, we just need to make use of it! Anyway, I'm really sick of eating, last night's Thanksgiving dinner was a disaster...There I was, hoping that they were all thinking about how much thinner I'd gotten, then my nana goes and says, "Since you've started university you've put on weight, looks good!" Holy fucking hell, I wanted to kill myself. Tonight's another dinner with my mom, dad, me, and my younger sister. Christ, I can't wait for school tomorrow. Even though I have a Biology midterm exam. Also, I have to write a 300 word composition about French history IN FRENCH for tomorrow and I haven't started. God, help me.

Anywayy...wish me luck. You girls are always in my thoughts, I hope everything is going okay for you all. I wish I could have friends like you in the real world, not just the virtual world. Sometimes, I think about the girls I've 'met' and gotten to know on here, and I'll think about what we have in common and what we hide from the world, and I'll smile or laugh to myself. Because what we have is a special thing! It's a thing that's completely ours. haha, I'm getting emotional. I bet if people knew, they'd be jealous of our bond.