It's Over

Okay, that's it. I'm way to sad to deal with all this shit. I had enough experience dealing with bullies, being stood up, let down and back-stabbed when I was 14. I shut down my emotions after leaving that school. But I never lost faith in humanity. There was always a part of me that believed that one day I'd be okay, I'd be happy, and I'd have real friends one day. But now I'm in university. Nothing's different. And my faith in humanity is diminishing. I haven't found happiness or friends yet. During orientation week, I introduced a friend from my high school to another friend and now the two of them are closer than either of them ever were to me. They had invited me to go clubbing with them on Thursday, but never got back to me on the details. Now their Facebook statuses are like "riding through Toronto in a limo, singing at the top of our lungs, taking pics with strangers at the CN Tower and dancing the night away...best night of uni." Well, that's what I always wanted, to have friends and go on adventures like that and have fun like that. But I don't. I have zero friends. I have no emotions. I have no fun. I'm not happy. And I'm not even thin!

So why am I saying all this? I'm saying that I'm done. It's over. I through looking. I don't need friends. I don't need them to be happy. There is only one thing that I need: to be thin. If I can grasp the control over my life, lose 20 pounds, stay strong...then I'll be happy, I'll be satisfied. So I'm not going to eat anymore. Just the bare minimum. This is self-destruction at its finest. I mean, who do those girls think I am anyway?! I suppose they know that I'm a bit reserved. But what if I said to them on Monday, "So thanks for getting back to me about Thursday night!" I should put them on the spot like that. What would they say? What does that tell me about them? Those bitches. Those Christian, youth-group goers, family-oriented, two-faced, no-good bitches. All this talk is probably making me seem very ugly, I'm sorry.

So I guess that's that. I've finally found the motivation to stop eating. I have no one and probably I never will. So I might as well stop eating and lose this weight. At least it keeps me busy, happy, goal-oriented, mentally strong...I only have myself. It's time to do this right. Once and for all.