Shameless

So I just finished watching the first episode of Shameless, the new series. I found it completely thinspiring, throughout the whole episode. For weird reasons. Emmy Rossum's in it, and she's pretty in this natural kind of way. Plus, she's thin. It shows her working so hard to support her 5 siblings. And just watching her do all this work, not having a lot to eat/time to eat, made me want to work harder to get thinner. Whatever. I'm just gonna say, it's an amazing show. It made me feel not so glum about my future. Weight hasn't gone down. Calculus hasn't been dented. But I'm working on it. I swear.

This is not about being sad. This is about control. I just talked to my parents. (About calculus.) The fact that I talked to them is driving me insane. I feel like I just admitted defeat. Or gave in. Or succumbed. Or displayed weakness. I never talk to them. I never express my emotions to them. My mother told me that most of the time I act like a grown woman, not an 18 year old. Yeah, well... I feel exposed. I mean, I realize that I needed to talk to somebody about calculus. They just happened to be the only people I'm not afraid of. I can't believe I actually talked to them. Anyway. What I really want to do is thank everyyyone who commented on my vlog post. I am so in love with you all.

I need the get the control back in my life. I need time to see this through. I need time. I need to focus on myself. What makes me happy. What made me drop to 90 lb two years ago. What keeps me alive. I need to figure this out. If I don't then I 'm just a lost cause.