Interesting

I knew this girl when I was in grade 10, three years ago. She's two years older than me. We were really tight. When she went to university, we never talked much just the random text every so often. I saw her at UTM, and I was like, 'whhhaaaaat.' So we're hanging out and talking again. In the library she saw my frequently viewed sites on my laptop for a split second. She's saw the link for BellaAna's blog, which says in bright white letters Long Way to Skinny. So my friend was all like, "Hey, go back to the skinny site." I got nervous as shit, and was like, 'uh, why, no.' She said, "Oh, I like sites like that. Have you heard of Random Anorexics.com?" I was dumbfounded. I laughed like a little girl, and started pulling up these thinspo sites. She showed me some of the ED sites she goes on. I fed her all this bull shit about how I think it's scary that there are sites like that up, blah blah. She was like "I guess, but isn't it funny and intersting?" Now she's asking me if I've read Winter Girls. I'm interested to see where this goes... It's fishy, but interesting.

Anyway, I'm doing okay for time. Not procrastinating as much. Getting sleep. Also, I'm starving as I type this. My family's at a luncheon and there's like no food in the house. Only my non-fat yogurt. I've decided to start the 246 diet again. I'm such a failure at counting calories but (whoa my stomach just growled MAJORLY), I need to do this. Everyone on here's making such amazing progress! I am NOT about to get left behind. I can't wait to work out at the gym tomorrow after my psych test. 2 hours, baby. I'm so looking forward to being tiny and delicate, and lovely. Stay strong!

MOD

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. Gonna be SHUT UP in my room ALL DAY syudying for my Psychology test which is on Monday. I am planning on eating non-fat yogurt today. That's it. No other foods. I mean, no other food is acceptable. I hope like hell, my parents go out tonight. I itch with excitement at the thought of losing weight. A major problem with me is that when I study for too long, my mind wanders. Not to thoughts of food, it's always to thoughts about sex. It gets to a point where I can't stop thinking about having hot sex with the gym hottie, and I'm not studying anymore. So that's when I take a break. Taking a break is good. Today, my breaks will occur every 2 hours and will consist of eating the non-fat yogurt and/or journaling. I've planned everything out. Everything goes so much smoother when I plan it out. And I end up much more successful.

My jeans are getting wayy too lose. It's brutally annoying trying to pick out something in the morning. So I bought a belt yesterday. I hate wearing belts. But I don't want to spend all that money to buy new jeans. Although, I could use ONE new pair of skinny jeans. Yeah!, I think I deserve a new pair. There's a pair of jeans that I have not worn once in my closet that I bought in September. On account of I have lost a crap load of weight since then, those jeans are now too big. I feel stupid having spent the money on those jeans, it might be too late to exchange/return then, I don't know. I'm gonna try anyway. :D With a new skinny body in the works, I need to start buying cuter prettier clothes and start looking pretty and fashionable. Very Model-Off-Duty kind.

Thanks for all your lovely comments on the last post! I'm really motivated. I just want all of you to stay strong, never give up, and NEVER procrastinate. xo

Still Motivated

Check out the obliques on Miss Alisha:

Okay, so this pictures is from a week ago. Look at all that fat, don't worry it shall vanish soon. I prommmmise. There is a sexy toned six-pack under all that. I've seen it before. I know it's there. A real update soon. xoxo

Good Things

Oh, it is so nice to be HOME! After my classes finished at 12 PM, I had a 7 hour break, so I went to the library to finish my calculus assignment which I thought would take 5 hours, so I'd have 2 hours to study economics. After 5 hours of calculus SITTING IN A CUBICLE, I wasn't finished, and I was hungry, the pangs were intense since I'd forgotten to eat, and I was tired. And my brain was slipping away. So I packed my crap, and went downstairs to relax at Starbucks. I got a Light Mocha Frap and I ate an apple. Chatted with a couple of old friends. Relaxed. I can't believe I actually let myself go so long without food. I swear, it was intense hunger, but I forced myself to sit there and do calculus. I COULD NOT get up until it was done. I finished the assignment at 7 45 PM. It took me 7 hours to do that assignment. Now I have to pull a late night doing economics. Well, all in all, it was a good day. Because I starved.

Not sure what's gonna happen tomorrow. Probably no gym time. Gotta do economics, calculus (I'm a tad behind), and read 2 huge chapters for my psychology test on Monday. Oh boy. But the good thing is, I'm getting back into routine! I'm nearly caught up on all my school work! That means I can get FULLY back into routine on Monday. That means gym time! Yayyyy! So uh, if anyone's noticed, October ends in two days, and I'm not as thin as I said I would be. Oh well, life happens, you know? I'm just happy to have such a fun goal: becoming 93 lb. I mean, how many people have these ED mind-sets? Not very many! We are far and few between, we are unique, we think in ways like no other. We are devilish, we are the best of liars, we always have the right excuses. I'm proud to be me, even if no one else knows what I'm capable of. I do this for ME.

Busy

There is a direct correlation between procrastination and binging. Allow me to elaborate. I don't do my homework on the weekend like I'm supposed to. Nor do I start the assignment that's due in a week. Close to the day the assignment is due, I start it. But, homework has also piled up over the past two weeks. Stress emerges and BAM binge. It all makes sense. Why haven't I been updating? Because I have not been paying attention. I don't know my weight. I haven't exercised all week and I don't plan to, until Friday. I have been eating....normally. Basically, I'm maintaining a weight. I have been focusing my attentions on school work. How boring. I'm SO ready to lose a bunch of weight starting Friday!

I don't like this business of maintaining a weight. I seriously AM bored. But I don't have much time to think about it, with all this school work. I'll update when I can during this week, but probably not till Friday.

Tis Better To Be Feared Than Loved

Everyone was blogging about bingeing so I binged. It was completely accidental. I swear. I purged some, but not all. So I'm probably still around 103 lb. Not weighing until Tuesday. Plus, I got my period yesterday. Sucks. I'm totally bloated. It kinda makes me laugh, because I LOOK like I've gained 3 lb, but I know I haven't, that's impossible...right? I don't know. I still laugh, because I know that I am capable of being 100 lb by Tuesday or Wednesday regardless. I've been hanging out with my inner bitch a lot lately. I spent a long time on Facebook chat talking to a guy I met once, in September, giving him all sorts of attitude, hinting how cold I can be. He wasn't turned off in the slightest, but I don't care anyway; he's fat and ugly. Some days it bothers me how self-centered and bitchy I can be. But most days, I don't care. I am an extremely powerful girl. I scare people [away]. That's powerful. In high school, kids were intimidated by my silence. THAT's power. Fucking Queen Alisha at her finest. Okay, maybe not. Come back down to earth, missy.

My life revolves around exercise, calories, weight, avoiding food...That's why I am the way I am. I obsess over control. Knowledge, control, and ultimate power. As a kid, I used to have these fantasies where I'd be...taking over the world. Scary. Sometimes I think, no boy would ever fall in love with me, want to be with me. What's sad, is that I'm a hopeless romantic. I have dreams of finding "the one," a love story. Someone who'd love me for being the person I am. Yes, I have attitude, but it's usually intended to be funny and sarcastic. For now, I can just focus on weight loss. No one worth my friendship or heart has arrived yet. I'm also an artist. I never talk about that stuff on here. I have an intense sense of aesthetic. I am a writer. I take pictures of the city. For those of you with a xanga and interested in my writing : http://xox-blackroses-xox.xanga.com/ Not much else to say, other than I'm gonna lose 3 lb by Tuesday. Weeeee!

To Be Completely Honest

I do not enjoy the feeling of emptiness. I do not like the feeling of starving. Of the emptiness I feel after purging every calorie in my stomach. I don't like it. Not one bit. That emptiness is what leads me to a binge. What I DO like, is eating 35 fat-free calories 4 times a day. I like the feeling my metabolism running. I like feeling accomplished and awake. Today, I satisfied every craving I had to binge. Yes, I purged, but I learned an important lesson. I learned that the emptiness is not worth it. The calories are not worth it. It's best to not eat, period. I eat 150 fat free calories at breakfast. After that, eating 35 fat-free calories 4 times during the day leaves me happy, light, and satisfied. I am so happy to have figured this out today.

So, whooooo's the skinny bitch? Me. Except my thighs. They are stubborn. EVERYTHING else is shrinking. But my thighs are fat rebels. They'll learn. I have faith in them... Spent an unexpected hour at the gym today. I finished failing my economics test at 9 AM, felt like shit, got over it, and went to the gym intending to do cardio for 30 minutes and get out. At the gym, I saw my economics buddy there! So we did the stationary bike together for 20 minutes (time FLIES when you're taking to someone). Then we did weights (women only hour in half the gym!) for 15 minutes. Oh, and me being a tank, I tried the bench press. I did 5 reps, 45 lb, I think. When she left, I spent 30 minutes running intervals around the indoor track. SO SORE now.

Weighed-in this morning at 103 lb. Yay! Omg, this is so exciting, I'm trembling, 3 more lb and I'll be 100 lb! Okay, okay. Last weekend was the biggest disaster of my life. Won't happen again. Mom's away all weekend, so no one's gonna come home with cinnamon raisin bread or chocolate or milk pastries for me! No one's gonna cook or ask me what I'll have for dinner. So...who's down for losing 3 lb by Tuesday? It's a contest, last one there's a Miley!!! (For Hannah Montana fans.) I'm kidding, it's not a contest; I'm just having fun. Take care, lovelies!

^Everyone love Karlie Kloss, right?!

Thoughts

I am currently craving GOURMET macaroni and cheese with bacon and a wrap filled with salty deli meats. Clearly, I have a carb and salt craving. My mom's going away for the weekend and she's made meals for the family, but I think I'm gonna ask my sister if she wants to make that mac and cheese on Saturday night. If she doesn't, I won't have it. If she does, I'll have it, but just to try. One bite usually satisfies a craving for me. It's been 4 years since I've had mac 'n cheese. Anyway, these cravings are bad because they're all I can think about and I have a HUGE economics test tomorrow. It's like this: "Okay, so the price elasticity of demand will increase if the price of...salty deli ham on a whole wheat wrap lathered with butter and melted cheese..." That's what the past 2 hours have been like for me.

I am currently looking very skinny. Worked out 2 hours yesterday and 90 minutes today. Two days of being back on track is all it takes...I saw my eye candy at the gym today. He's just this boy I noticed during orientation week. He's like Josh Hartnett plus Torrance Coombs plus a giant surge of HOTNESS. I have calculus with him and I always make sure I get a view of him, and he's so fucking hot, and every time I see him, I imagine fucking him, hot and steamy, in his dorm room. MOVING ON. I saw him at the gym, so hot goddam, and he saw me, and he's so hot, oh baby. I forget where I was going with this. Hahahahahaha...

The Scheme

I'm really sick. Like, sick in the head. Ana and Mia are raging inside me. I'm not usually like this. Usually me and Ana are frolicking around weightlessly and powerful. But currently there is a war. I'm fighting, believe me. I cannot bear this mental pain, but I have to fight, I'm a fighter. I am very sick. It doesn't help that I'm tired, as well. I need to sleep. Maybe then, this fighting will stop and me and Ana can live in peace.

I'm scared of the treadmill, now. What if I slip and fall again? I suppose I'll just use the indoor track for a while, until I feel safe again. Sorry for this lousy tone...I'll be okay. At least, I hope so. Wait, NO! I KNOW so! I WILL be okay! I can WIN this! I'm not afraid of hunger, or the pain, or the fight! Goddam, this is going to be so hard, but I'll make it. I'll make it. I'm cutting out bread and rice and refined carbs, after breakfast, completely starting tomorrow. That's Plan A. I'll get at least 8 hours of sleep EVERY night. I'm only allowed 90 minutes of casual Internet surfing daily. The Scheme To Eat No More is starting now. NOT tomorrow. NOW.

I Just Passed Out On The Fucking Treadmill

But only for a second. After that second, I came back and realized, holy fucking shit I’m being dragged on this thing. It was bad. People around me stared and some tech guy started asking me if I was okay. I almost had a heart attack, thank you very much. But me, being psycho, decided to keep going. Then I noticed some blood rolling down my hand, so dammit, I had to get off the thing. My finger is cut pretty deep, but I gained 3 lb over the weekend, something has to be done, so I went to the back of the gym and spent some time on the elliptical. One would think the elliptical is pretty safe right, but NO, I almost fell off that stupid thing, too! Christ, I was getting so tired and weak. So I stopped. The whole reason for this gym fiasco is due to my tiredness. NOT because I haven’t eaten. Before I even got to the gym, I was thinking I shouldn’t go because I feel so tired, but I did anyway since I was feeling so fat. Now I’m just depressed.

Yes, I’m depressed because I only spend 20 minutes working out and it was only cardio. It’s actually not even funny how fat I feel. No matter. I’m not going to binge. (This is a HUGE temptation to binge right now.) I’m not going to let this sadness get in my way. Seriously. That was the worst weekend of my life. I’m so glad it’s over. I suppose it’s only made me stronger, but still. 3 lb gain…in 2 days… It’s okay, I’m strong, today’s been good. I’ll be okay. I’ll make it to 102 this week. I’m going to try my hardest.

Oh, ya! I LOVE my followers! Every single one of you! I am so thankful for your support and words of wisdom. You make me smile to myself. It’s a good feeling. I think I would go insane without all of you. I’m always here for any of you. xox

Fighter

I don't need food. I don't need anymore. I don't need food. I swear. I swear. I'm sorry, body, for putting you through so much bull shit this weekend, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I swear, it will only get better. I swear.

I am going to be 95 lb by Christmas, IF IT KILLS ME! Wow, haha, I'll be so thin and lovely by then. Everyone will stare and admire my control.

I'm reading Wasted again, to figure out how to do all this. Marya talked about always having something to do, studying 10 hours a day, and keeping busy. I think that's what I need to do. They didn't have internet back then. I need to cut back on my Internet time, seriously. I'm going to drastically cut back on my eating, too. I'm a fighter.

Story of my life.

Everything that has happened in the past hour has proved that I am a fat-ass.

Fucking hell.

The only way I can make up for this is to do some kind of detox tomorrow. I don't have time to exercise this weekend.

JESUS CHRIST!, I KNEW I couldn't make it through this weekend without OD-ing on bread.

Okay, you fucking bitch, Alisha, tomorrow, you are only allowed yogurt, natural muesli, fruits, and veggies. Cela tous.

Only I like to add bits of French to my speech...

I'm pissed off, like, majorly at myself.

Well, I don't have to make this worse. I can make it better. I'll start now.

I hope everyone is doing better than me.

Catching Up

Weekends tend to screw me over. I always end up binging all weekend and it fades through Monday or Tuesday. But not this weekend. I'm going to try my very hardest not to give in to the temptations of the kitchen. I'm going to try. I'm going to LOSE weight this weekend, not gain back what I lose this week. OMG, this morning I looked in the mirror and...the gap between my thighs is getting bigger! Omgomg, this is good. My thighs still touch and they're still ugly, but obviously getting better!

Yesterday, I took the express bus into downtown Toronto. I wanted shoot with my Holga, take in the city's beauty, and enjoy being alive. Just as I was getting tired, my best friend since grade 2 called me. She just moved to Toronto because of her mom's job (I'm so jealous). So she's like, "You're in Toronto, come visit me!?" I hadn't seen her since July. And I'd never been in a legit Toronto home. So I went and we had fun! We youtubed and caught up on each other's lives and she gave me a tour of her place. She doesn't like it, they used to have a bigger house. But I thought it was the most lovely most quaint house ever. I hadn't eaten much all day and I was completely fat free and empty and flat-tummy-ed.

Then the words just came out of my mouth like word vomit: "Do you have any food, I'm kinda hungry." We go into her kitchen and we're looking in the fridge. There was a shitload of deli meats in there, an ENORMOUS tub of margarine, sandwiches, a loaf of white whole wheat bread, and other stuff. I was like, "That's a huge tub of margarine." She said, "Yeah, and I'm the only one that eats it...haha." Bear in mind that she is 5'10, double Ds, and HOT. She looks like Blake Lively, except with shorter brown hair and 10 times hotter. And she eats like a pig, literally. Anyway, we ended up toasting 2 slices of the enriched bread each, slathering both with margarine, and putting an unknown meat in between. We ate those and me, being a bread-aholic, ate 3 more slices of bread. All that food made me constipated which was really uncomfortable...I'm not going to think much of this slip up, though, I mean, I'll be good all weekend.

Weighed-in yesterday at 103.2 lb. Can I make it to 100 by Sunday? Probably not, but it's worth a try!

I Love Me

I have not b/p in 2 days! I've been really good. I was admiring my bones last night, instead of doing my long overdue french essay. What a vain creature. Haha. I love me. Today, I went to the gym for 75 minutes. Did a lot of cardio, and 20 minutes of weights. Funny story. My gym has two floors: one where all the machines are and the upper floor is for the indoor track and a stretching/floor work area. I had just finished stretching and started walking down the stairs. Imagine walking down the stairs and having every single people turn their eyes to you. Just imagine 20-something pairs of fascinated eyes watching you walk down the stairs. Wouldn't you laugh or something? That's exactly what happened to me. I started snickering. It was just so weird. During my weight lifting routine, I was doing advanced tricep dips. Once I finished, I went to do more cardio. I could see the weight room from where I was. I noticed a cute boy from my Biology lecture staring at me. Then the cutie attempts the advanced dips. He fails. Hahaha. Once again, I love me.

Still at school. I have a economics quiz at 8PM on 5 chapters. Uh, shouldn't they call it a test? Fucking hell, I haven't even studied, they called it a quiz! I think I'm failing university. This is really bad. I need to get back on track at school. Really bad. I'm revolving my life around this schedule I've made using iCal on my macbook. It kinda helps. Always having something to do makes me forget about eating. I'll only eat when I start to feel starvation. I don't know about anyone else, but when I'm depriving myself of food, my skin goes all weird, like the colour gets blotchy. I like it. I think it's pretty, in a freckles kind of way.

You girls were toooo nice in your comments last post. I love you all tooo much. :) Before I go fail a quiz, here's a rule to live by: Never procrastinate!

C'est Moi

Me. Excuse my disgusting hips.

Clavicles.

Close-up of the arm.

Proof that I'm a tank.

Haha. Not really. Anyway, I thought progress pictures would motivate me. I'm probably gonna take these down soon. Too embarrassing. Oh, and I swear, in that last picture, my pits aren't hairy, it's just a shadow!

New Take

Good girls don't eat. A girl who want to be the skinniest will not eat. So that's what my new take is. Good girls don't eat. Basically, I just want to staaaarrrrve my way to thinness. I mean, eating seems to take up a lot of my time, which is really dumb. I want complete control over what goes into my body and the way it looks. I want to see a skeleton when I look in the mirror. Maybe then I'll be satisfied. I want to do this only to prove to myself that I can do it, that I'm capable of accomplishing something, that I'm not completely useless.

No food, no fat, no binging, no no not even a nibble. Just the bare minimum. Me and Bella are going to make it 100 lb this week! Well, we're aiming for it. And honestly, it's 100% do-able. Like, we HAVE what it takes. ALL OF US have what it takes! The power lies within us, we just need to make use of it! Anyway, I'm really sick of eating, last night's Thanksgiving dinner was a disaster...There I was, hoping that they were all thinking about how much thinner I'd gotten, then my nana goes and says, "Since you've started university you've put on weight, looks good!" Holy fucking hell, I wanted to kill myself. Tonight's another dinner with my mom, dad, me, and my younger sister. Christ, I can't wait for school tomorrow. Even though I have a Biology midterm exam. Also, I have to write a 300 word composition about French history IN FRENCH for tomorrow and I haven't started. God, help me.

Anywayy...wish me luck. You girls are always in my thoughts, I hope everything is going okay for you all. I wish I could have friends like you in the real world, not just the virtual world. Sometimes, I think about the girls I've 'met' and gotten to know on here, and I'll think about what we have in common and what we hide from the world, and I'll smile or laugh to myself. Because what we have is a special thing! It's a thing that's completely ours. haha, I'm getting emotional. I bet if people knew, they'd be jealous of our bond.

To Notice The Wind

I have eaten a small healthy breakfast. I have just finished reading all your blog updates. I feel strong. I will have non-fat yogurt for lunch. That's all. The kitchen 12 steps away will not tempt me. Because I am strong. I will STAY IN MY ROOM all day and study. At Thanksgiving dinner at my nana's, tonight, I will not cave. I will say no thanks to the apple pie and eat the fruit. I will not touch the ham, but take a slice of turkey breast. I will "overdose" on the veggies. That is all.

I have realized that I spend way too much time on the Internet. It's extremely unhealthy. It's preventing me from keeping on top on my school work. It will be the end of me. So limiting my daily Internet usage to 90 minutes. I had already deactivated my Facebook on Tuesday for a 10 day challenge, but I think I'm gonna go as long as I can without it. I don't really miss it. I need more time in life, and spending too much time on the Internet is stupid.

I will be okay, I will be skinny. I will be okay...We all will.

Stay strong.

Safety

Dammit, my jeans are too lose. Don't get me wrong, I hate tight clothes, but jeans can only be so lose before the start to look ugly on you. My jeans, that I swear were too tight 2 weeks ago, are extremely lose and baggy...and a belt doesn't help much because they're baggy around the butt and thighs...So THAT'S why I look stumpy in the mirror, my pants are too lose! Arg. I'm gonna dig up my jeans from 2 years ago and throw my current ones in the dryer for a bit to shrink them. But hey, I'm losing weight! Yay! I am so glad this week is over. I'm gonna catch up on my sleep this weekend.

Today, I ate a little more than usual, but not by much. Today, about 600 calories. The only difference, is that I didn't work out today. Needed a break. Tomorrow, I'm gonna do lengths at the pool for an hour: low-impact, but effective, cardio. I came home at 8 PM and binged on almond butter, a slice of bread with olive butter, and a handful of chocolate chips. So I purged it all. Then did it all again. The second time around, I don't think I got all the chocolate out. Chocolate is so hard to purge...Anyway, I'll be okay. I'm not in binge mode. It's going to be a safe weekend.

OH FUCK!, I just remembered it's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada! Dinner at my nana's on Sunday and dinner with my family on the holiday Monday! Dammit! I cannot get out of Thanksgiving dinners. I'll just have to...be on my guard, eat as little as possible, stay focused...stay strong...Whenever my nana has dinners, they comment on my eating and tell me to take a lot of food. It's so awkward for me, and especially since they don't know about my past eating issues, I can always feel my parents' eyes on me...I am too strong, and I have come to far to slip up now. You girls should see my toned thin arms and my solid abs! I just need to burn more fat to fix my hips and eat less to make my tummy concave and expose my bones.

Just A Tip

I am extremely exhausted. It's not from exercising too much or eating too little. It's because of my lack of sleep. I go to bed at 12 30 AM and wake up at 6 45 AM. I am the kind of person that NEEDS at least 9 hours of sleep. Here's the thing: I lose the most amount of weight when I get those 9 hours of sleep per night. When I get enough sleep, I can focus more and I crave less. Actually, I don't crave at all and I am 100% focused! More sleep=no craving=not eating=weight loss. Simple math in the form of skinny. So, yes, I am extremely tired right now. I can't focus on anything, and I mistook my lack of concentration for hunger due to lack of calories, so I ate an extra slice of ww bread with jam and fucking almond butter.

Anyway, now that I know my problem I am going to stop spending hours raiding the Internet and start getting my work done so I can be in bed by 11 PM. Seriously. I'm drained. It's not healthy. But who am I to talk, I live off less than 500 calories a day...Haha. I'm winning...! My body is really sore, but I went to the gym again today; only did high-intensity interval training: 20 minutes on the elliptical and 20 minutes on the treadmill. I'm starting to look like hot shit at the gym...Adding to my October pledge: October is going to be perfect and by the end of the month I'll be so much thinner that no one will recognize me.

I'm A Tank

I wonder what it will take for me to NOT eat almond butter. I mean, it's healthy fats, but fat is fat! The goal was to eliminate fat, but with almond butter around...My mother won't stop buying it. So I need some way to stop myself from eating almond butter. Otherwise, I'd be flawless( eating-wise). I had a ton of almond butter at 7 30 PM, but I purged majority of it. I purge excess calories. Bad habit. I should just stop when I've reached my limit. Instead of 246, I've just been focusing on eating as little as possible. Under 500 cals.

Today, I did Pilates for an hour, then did hard core running intervals for 25 minutes, stretched for 5, then did weight lifting for 20 minutes. (I love the shocked look I get from girls at the gym when they see me weight lifting...haha.) I was sore, tired, hungry, and pleased. About 2 hours of exercise today! Under 500 calories! Weeee! The fat is gonna melt off. After the gym, I went to the library and ran into the same guy I was talking about last entry. I said, "I was just at the gym for 2 hours." Then the guy was like, "Cardio for two hours!?" I wanted to give the two boys a dirty look and walk away, but I didn't. It just bugs me how people assume that the only thing girls do at the gym is cardio. So I simply explained what I did. I also mentioned to them that I'm a tank.

I have so much school work to do, it really isn't funny. I just spent an hour fucking around the Internet, too...Arg.

Think Thin

I exercised at the gym for over an hour today. 25 straight minutes of running, then 15 minute abs, then weight training. I did back, shoulders, and triceps. Then I ran into a guy friend at the gym. He's just one of the kids in my bio lab group. For some odd reason, I see him EVERYWHERE. No exaggeration, seriously. Anyway, I saw him while I was weight training, which was funny because just last Friday we were talking about how most girls are afraid of weightlifting because they don't want to get big (not applicable to me). So, he says hi and looks at me in complete and obvious awe. Keep in mind that I'm red-faced and dripping with sweat. Then he says, "Most girls don't work out...!" Also keep in mind that I'm the only girl in the weight room and I'm a billion times tinier than everyone around me and I look like a fucking twig. Then I laugh and shoot some crap like, "I'm different, that's what I'm going for, all bulky and muscle." I laughed in my head and thought, 'hahaha, acccctually, I'm fucking anorexic.' Then the guy says, "Nawwww, you just want tone." I dropped it and while I was doing reps I could still feel his perplexed face on me.

All in all, I had a really good workout. Something interesting: every time I felt depressed today, I thought about losing weight and becoming really skinny. Every time I felt mad, I thought about becoming painfully thin to spite people. Today, I saw a pretty girl eating a chicken wrap, with one of her guy friends beside her. They were talking, nodding at each other, smiling, laughing, having a good time. They looked normal. NOW, firstly, if it were me, I'd be having a fucking heart attack eating that wrap. Second, I can't eat in front of other people, EXPECIALLY boys. Third, if I WERE to eat in front of others, I'd be trying too hard to be discreet about it. The whole scene completely depressed me.

Anyway, today ending up being a 600 day. That means...tomorrow is a 200 day. Crap, hopefully I can do it. Damn, I'm gonna need a lot of caffeine. Wish me luck! Oh, and my gosh, thank you everyone who commented on my last entry! I smiled so much reading those comments. xo

In Writing

Rules:

-Less than 500 calories per day

-no carbs after 6 PM

-no calories after 8 pm

-ABSOLUTELY NO FAT WHATSOEVER

-money is not to be spent on calories

-exercise 5 days a week for at least an hour (Mon-Fri)

-stay strong

I love that picture. Anyway, I feel like I need some kind of structure. So I'm contemplating trying the 246 diet or ABC. 246 seems more manageable. And I know a girl who lost a ton of weight on 246. I think I'll start with 400 tomorrow. 600 Tuesday, 200 Wednesday, repeat. I binged today. What a shithead, I know. I didn't exercise at all this weekend...And I wasted 4 hours today. That's valuable study time! Dammit, now I'm behind. I hate letting you girls down. It make me sad that I write about starting over and making everything better and you girls always say I'm such an inspiration, and then I go and mess up by binging today. I'm sorry. I've let myself and you girls down. But it'll only take spending a few days away from home to get back into routine. At the library, away from food and distractions.

To Be or Not to Be

I want people to physically turn their heads when I walk by. I want them to think to themselves 'she is so skinny...' I want to be pure, no fat, just skin stretched over bones. That's what I want. That "coveted" title of anorexic. But I am not anorexic, I don't know if I have an eating disorder. I know that I was diagnosed with bulimia two years ago. But that was two years ago. I don't know anymore. All I can focus on, is what I WANT. Not anorexia, but that thinness associated with anorexia. THAT's what I want. So time to focus on other things. Eating should not be the issue here. Eating should never be a concern. It shouldn't be problematic because you're not supposed to be eating if you want to be skinny!

Basically, I'm going to stay with the plan I've been talking about in the past few blogs because it works for me. I just can't slip up. I am going to stay focused. Focused. In addition to the no eating after 8 PM, I'm eliminating carbs (MEANING BREAD and RICE and other refined/processed sugars) after 6 PM. No exceptions. Gotta lose more weight. I need to SEE some progress by Friday. I hope all you girls are doing okay, keeping up with your goals. Every time I see one of your lovely comments on my blogs, I'm that much more motivated to keep going. Although I can't say that I have an ED, I am a huge supporter of the ED community. Stay strong!

Just Some Thinspiration!

^Sara Paxton!

^That's kind of the type of body I have.

Now, I present you with....Allegra Versace. If you aren't sure who she is, she is Donatella's daughter. She's beautiful. That is all. Enjoy!