Next Day Syndrome

Well. Um. This is embarrassing, but, uh.... Today was a bust. I fucked up, yes, big time, I binged. I don't purge anymore, I don't have the energy. I woke up with whatever I ate yesterday still in my stomach so I wasn't hungry, but my OCD compelled me to have my usual breakfast, despite the fact that it was 12 noon. I had a few chocolate covered biscuits and chocolate, despite telling myself 1000 times that I was supposed to making positive changes in my life today. I made brownies and ate some, despite the murderous pain in my already-full stomach. That is a very long day of bingeing made very short. I am exhausted. It's been one of those days where you just can't wait for the next day to come so you can start over fresh.

I'm starting fresh tomorrow. It'll be a perfect Sunday. I'll wake up by 9 AM, have a light breakfast, and wash my hair. I'll study economics from 10:30-3, then have an apple and straighten my hair. I'll study psychology from 4-6, then have a yogurt and drive to the library and study French until 10 PM. Sounds perfect. Let's see if I'm not completely full of shit. If tomorrow goes something like that, then I'm not full of shit. If I screw up, that means I'm full of shit and incapable of accomplishing anything. (Yes, I'm an extremist.)

I've been seeing my therapist and it's going swell. She has made me realize so many things about my life and who I am. She has helped me realize how controlling my parents have actually been my entire life. They have always had the best intentions, but they didn't realize that they went about it the wrong way. Everything my parents have ever done to me was so they could have better control over me. Looking back, it makes so much sense! I hate my parents so much, more than ever now, after realizing all this. They did this to me, I'm screwed up because of them. But my therapist says she will help me pick myself up and move on. I can't wait to get up.

Really Quick Update on 246

I'm still doing 246, but I messed up today. Which isn't so bad since I've been okay for 5 days. But there still is a bad part: I overdosed on Nutella. I've been crash dieting for over 2 years, and I know exactly what will make me gain weight over night and what won't. Nutella will make me gain weight exponentially in a matter of hours. So, uh, bye-bye progress. But, hey!, bright side: I pre-planned to go to the gym everyday for the next 5 days, so that exercise, along with regular 246 diet, will bring me back to speed. I don't have much time to blog/comment this week, it's a busy one. Well, this whole month is, since it's the last month of school. Tomorrow is a 200 day. I have made a plan: safe foods, meal times, how to deal with hunger, what's important in [my] life, why I can't mess up, etc. I carry it everywhere. It helps. The right mindset is a crucial thing to have. Without it, you'll never get anywhere. All this is a question of mind over [food doesn't] matter.

My Arm Workout

I don't want to throw up anymore I don't want to throw up any more I don't want to throw up any more! It hurts. It's gross. It takes so much effort. It messes with your body more than starving does. In my psychology lecture today, I learned that the bile and stomach acids that pass through your mouth when you vomit eat away at your teeth (which I already knew), but it causes the enamel wears away and once the enamel goes, it's GONE. Forever. And after that, your teeth only last 5-10 years. Oh, god, I literally started shaking when the prof said that. I don't want to throw up anymore. I'm going to put a page in my thinspo book about this issue and how to deal with it.

This has been the most controlled week of 2011 for me. I will say that I binged today. (I purged.) But I'm over that. I went to the gym this morning for TWO hours, burning 460 calories. I did ballet when I got home, burning another 50. Flat tummy, thin arms, and boney chest. Even at my lowest weight of 90 lb, I didn't have a thigh gap. So I'm not gonna fret too much about something that's probably 100% genetics (fucking MOM). My goal for the upcoming week is to NOT binge or purge, and focus on staying as strong as possible on less than 500 calories/day.

Karlie, Karlie, Karlie, Karlie. Anyway, several of you asked for my arm work out since I posted my guns picture. Before I start any workout, I do 25 minutes of cardio.

Day 1: Triceps= (10 triceps extensions 12 lb+10 advanced triceps dips+10 triceps kickbacks 5 lb) x 3.

Day 2: Back and biceps= (10 bicep curls 10 lb +10 reverse flyes 5 lb +10 hammer curls 10 lb+12 single bent-over rows 15 lb) x 3.

Day 3: Shoulders= 20 push ups+ (10 lateral raises 5 lb+10 front raises 5 lb +10 shoulder presses 10 lb) x 3.

Take note of the weights I use. I can't stand the bullshit that says girls should use lower weights and do higher reps for tone. You are NOT going to get bulky with heavy weights, you don't have the testosterone for it! Build some strength! Fucking 3 lb weights I see girls use at the gym...hahahha. Oh and between each set, I do some form of cardio, like 20 jump squats or 15 burpees. Let it be noted that I work out more than 3 days/week, but the same muscle group shouldn't be targeted on consecutive days. Good luck, everyone! I just want to say that your comments mean so so much to me. I love this community so much. For real.

Let Me Tell You One Time

I have no idea why I'm so sore from today's workout. All I did was bike for 20 minutes, and run 4-minute intervals for 20 minutes. My legs are so sore. It's not like I haven't worked out in a while, I went to the gym on Friday! Whatever. I'll deal with it. Biology midterm exam on Wednesday, Biology lab quiz Wednesday, Calculus assignment due Friday, Psychology test Friday, French composition due Monday, Economics test February 4, Calculus test February 11.

Ohhhh, boy. This is it. I only have classes until March 30, then finals. This is so crazy. Everything's piling up. But I have it under control. Today, I came home intending to study my ass off and not eat, but my mom's car wasn't starting so she sent ME to get my sister from the dentist. I got lost, the weather was shitty, and 3 hours of my time was WASTED today. Mother-fucker, so I binged. I don't even give a shit. I can't deal with wasting time. I can't stand wasting time.

I'll make up for those 3 hours the rest of the week. I'll be fine. I won't let this happen again. I'll be fine. I'll lose weight. It just breaks my heart when I keep failing. I don't want to be sad anymore. I'm going to DO SOMETHING about it. I'm going to PUSH and FIGHT for this. Today's limit was supposed to be 400 calories, but my bread-and-butter-and-nutella binge added 1360 calories to what would have been a total of 235 cals. Ugh. I'm so strong; I just hate how I let emotions get the better of me. This is something I can work on: Emotions are for the weak. I will not be weak.

Background

I've been uncomfortable around food since I was 12. In grade school when I sat with friends at lunch, I used to hide my food under the desk. It was because I thought eating symbolized weakness or conformity. But I never had weight/body/calorie issues. I was the leader of my group, but I was a quiet, shy girl. When I started high school, I wanted to change and be popular, fun, social...So I set out to do it. Long story short: I became known as a "pass around," hooking up with boy after boy, doing shit for the attention, being "blond"... Soon, I started getting bullied severely at school and online, verbally and sexually harassed at school and online...The school told my parents I was planning my suicide so I switched schools and made a plan to change and become the strongest, nicest, most adorable down to earth girl in the world. Because of the traumatic experience at the old school, I had built up a wall, and everyday since then my wall has gotten stronger.

Anyway, so I set out to be the strongest, smartest, and toughest. No one would do the things the bullies did to me when I was 14. No one would ever be able to hurt me or bring me down. And that's what happened. That's what made me into this monster. I have no feelings. I don't care about anyone. I'm self-absorbed. My ED was a byproduct of wanting to be the strongest, smartest, toughest. It never started because of body issues. My father is a skeleton, and I have his genes. Although, I get my thick thighs and hips from my mom. My mother's family is from India and they are all fat. My father's family is from Singapore/China and they are all skeletons. I am lucky, so goddam lucky, that I got my dad's skinny genes. AND THAT is how I KNOW that I am capable of making it to my UGW of 93 lb.

I binged today, but so what, I can still make it to the 90s eventually. Christmas is making me so nervous, I'm surrounded by so much food and temptation to eat! Eating makes me so depressed. The other day I binged and purged three times! I woke up the next day with the most swollen throat you'd ever see. It was painful, uncomfortable, and ugly. I'm never purging again. Therefore, I'm going to try my hardest never to binge again. That's all for now. I hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas! I love you all! xo

Never Take "Days Off"

My godmother's Christmas dinner went well. The Chinese dinner yesterday went well. Both dinners involved mere vegetables for me. I wasn't too happy with the dressing/sauces, but it can't have been so bad. (And THANK-YOU everyone for the tips!) I'm thrilled with my progress. My arms are thinner. My tummy is flat. It doesn't sound like much, but it's progress. My hips will shrink. I have faith in them. They are slow like turtles. But I have faith that they will shrink. I'm doing a lot of cardio. I took a break off working out today since my legs were so sore, and just did some ballet which was a bad idea because for the first time in 5 days, I binged and purged. Stupid. It was completely mindless. But I'm happy it was a mindless binge because it hasn't messed with my train of will power. I'm still as strong as ever. Tomorrow will be as good as the last 5 days, and I'll be hitting the gym in evening.

So I suppose working out everyday for at least 45 minutes is the best idea. I'll just skip the cardio component if my legs are too sore. Circuit training is a fun option! As of today I'm 104 lb. I've lost 4 lb since I decided to lose 5 lb for Christmas. I guessss that it's not too much to ask myself to aim to lose another 4 lb for Saturday, which is Christmas! Wow, I bet if I work hard enough, I could be double digits for xmas! Okay, but I'm not going to get carried away. Subgoals is the key to getting things accomplished without stress. So let's just focus on losing 4 lb in 5 days. Totally do-able. Did I hear someone say "Skinny bitch?" Oooh, sound appealing...!

^'Sup, Karlie? I'm gonna be in your league soon...

Alway Use Your Brain

I tried to do my usual push-ups today, but I've put on a substantial amount of weight, thus my arms were unable to push my fat body up as easily. I fought the urge to self-induce vomiting today. However, that didn't stop me from bingeing. I don't want to sicken anyone with my moments of gluttony. I've realized that the reason I was bingeing was because I wasn't focused. I was not using my brain properly. You see, I have been so pre-occupied with studying for my Biology exam. I need to always bear in mind my goals. There should always be a place in my mind for weight-loss. I can't crowd the place with Biology and let myself eat mindlessly. I need to make a list. New year's resolutions and the like. I'm going to get to that immediately.

I have a lot of issues that need to be fixed and I am determined to fix them. I am so scared and it's going to be so hard. But I need to try; I need to make positive changes in my life. I think another reason, I've been so lazy is because being at home for this break has out me in "holiday mode." Not much to focus on, not always on the go... All this has made me realize how much I love university. The gym. Classes. Hotties. Walking around campus burning cals. Despite the work, I love it, I really do! I actually miss going to classes and learning new things! EVEN Economics. If I don't pass this Biology exam, I can't take it in January; I'll be stuck with Sociology. I really fucking love Biology and learning about the origin of life and animals and genetics and Darwin...

Yes, there is an abundance of Karlie Kloss photos on my laptop. So, uh, tomorrow's gonna be a binge-free day. I have to try. Oh, and Biology is the reason I haven't been commenting on your blogs as much. I've been reading, though! 5 more days until the exam...

Think Before You Act

I sorta knew this day would turn out to be a disaster when I decided to get on the bus despite the fact that I was already 20 minutes late. I wanted to go to downtown Toronto to attend a help session for economics from 6-10 which would guarantee me a perfect understanding. But my waxing appointment didn't end until 5 10, so I had to catch the 5 40 bus. Stupidly, without thinking, I wasted 2 hours. Got to Toronto, cried because I could have lived there today, and got right back on the bus homebound. It was so cold, 1 degree C, and I didn't feel like walking to the library like I should have. My only other option was to go home. I figured I was strong enough to not eat, since I'd been good the past 3 days. Home I went. Binge I did. Now, I feel like shit. I could have studied for 5 hours in the library. I wasted 5 hours.

I feel almost unworthy to post these lovely pictures of lovely girls... I worked out so hard today. I don't want to get to into it, because then you'll see how much progress I just deleted by bingeing. But I'll just say, that the lack of calories has made me weaker and I've accepted that I'll probably never be able to run the 5K. But I'm okay with that, as long as I can be thin. Honestly, I'm really disappointed in myself today. But this was the first binge in 3 days, which is a good record. And tomorrow I'll do better. I always do. Morely, I'm disappointed because I did not study economics today. The test is on Friday, and I'm not ready. Nor, am I close to 100 lb. AND my fucking dad came home from Hawaii today: another reason to be silent and hate home.

I just really can't wait for tomorrow to come, so I can start being good and getting thin again. I don't know what's going to happen to me. What I mean, is that I'm not sure if I have the strength to make it to the 90s by xmas. This scares me. Why? Why can't I just resist food? How do you girls do it? Tell me all your tips and tricks and secrets. I need all the advice I can get! xo

Reflections

I guess you could say, I'm making progress. Or you could say I'm at a standstill. Yes, I've been eating better, and yes, I've been exercising a lot. I've been eating better since Wednesday. But, I must mention that I've been having Nutella. Jesus. Christ. THAT IS A FORBIDDEN ITEM. It's not SAFE. It's BAD. But I've been having it. Not enough to make me gain weight, though. And today, I was so good, but at 7 45 PM when it was just me and my sister at home, I had a bowl of cereal with almond milk, some french fries, lots of Nutella, and bread with jam. Today. I'll probably gain from that, but I'm just trying to focus on doing better from NOW ON. I'm sorry I let that binge happen. But it did, and I can't go back, but I can do better in the future.

I am very terrified that I won't make it to the 90s for xmas. So terrified, that the thought leaves a lump in my throat, a wrench in my stomach. It scares me to death. THIS EXACT TIME last year is when I set my 93 lb UGW. My journal says I was supposed to be there by December 18th, 2009. I didn't make it. There are numerous scribbles: the date kept having to be pushed. It's still being pushed. It's heartbreaking to realize that I've been such a failure. But no. Not this time. No. One year later, I am going to make it. I am going to beat this. I'm going to win. I'm going to be thin. I'm going to have. It. All.

I do my best if I plan my intake. Here we go: breakfast: usual muesli with raspberries and nonfat yogurt (150), apple (50), bread+jam (100), yogurt (35), rice cake (40). That's about 400 calories a day. No exceptions, no add-ins, NOTHING. That's the PLAN. That's the DIET. That's my LIFESTYLE until I reach my goal. This is a decision I'm making for ME, for my sanity. I'm making this conscious decision. And I HAVE to eat every 3 hours, without fail. If not, I end up binging. I'll stick to this plan. It's the only way I'll be safe.

I didn't go to the gym today, on account of my malnutrition was causing a bad headache and I felt light-headed which would be bad at the gym, so I went home at 4. However, I did 30 minutes of leisure ballet practice. I really worked up a sweat, I was surprised! That means lots of calories were burned. I guess I'll be doing ballet more often! I want to be super tiny for ballet. Our recital is in May, and we don't have our costumes yet, but I want my thighs and hips to shrink drastically for ballet. To be lovely and graceful.

What A Beaut

Going crazy. That's what a 2500 calorie binge will do to you. Stomach so full I could barely walk back to my room, without hunching over. But I've read all your blogs and I am so thinspired. You girls don't want to know how much weight I've gained this week. I'm nervous to go to the gym tomorrow. The thing is, I've gained so much that going to the gym tomorrow will barely make a dent. But I have to stay strong and patient. Results will come. I am strong and patient. I am no longer going to feel sorry for myself. I am no longer going to give in to temptation and desires to binge. That's not what life is about. Life is about winning. I'm not a loser. I'm not going to settle for fat. Ugh. I'll be a beauty.

I'm gonna be a beauty by Christmas. Apparently there are only 40 days left until Christmas. Did you know I could have been less than 100 lb by now? But I kept fucking up. Not anymore. I am DOING THIS. I'm going to be skinny. Tiny. Adorable. Graceful. None of this disgraceful hunching over because of a full stomach.

Oh. Uh, would any of you be interested in seeing a picture of the Gym Hottie? After 2 months of searching and digging around, I finally found his facebook profile. Haha. Posting his pic here is probably the creepiest thing I could do, but whatever, he doesn't know me, you girls don't know him, so who cares! He's so hot...Too bad he has noo clue who I am. Or not, haha. I start salivating looking at his pictures, like wtf. Ohhhh, life, isn't it grand...!?

Stay Focused

Now, I totally would have come home and eaten something, maybe it would have turned into a binge. BUT, I didn't eat a thing because when I came home, my entire fucking family was home eating dinner together. And I hate my family, and I especially despise it when we're all together, (oh how I detest my father) and I hate family dinners. Is it clear that I have a passionate hatred for my family? Good. So when I saw them, they were so excited that I was home and my mom LOVES family dinners so she wanted me to eat something and sit there, but I gave them attitude and walked away. I swear, I was so happy to come home, but as soon as I got home and saw all of those motherfuckers there, I was angst as hell. But at least their presence helped me avoid eating.

The party on Saturday was a disaster, not because of the food, but because of the atmosphere. Long story short: I am a classy high-class girl from a high-class-five-star-hotel kind of family and I DID NOT belong in a building full of ugly POOR people in ugly salvation army-type clothes. I sorta binged on Sunday night, which probably is what made my tummy all swollen today. Gross. I felt so fat all day. I'll just keep being good all week. I didn't go to the gym today, which I feel sad about, because I didn't get enough sleep last night. But I'm gonna do some calisthenics now. I want to be a thin ballerina. Graceful. Balanced. That's the goal. Wouldn't it be awesome if I got to 100 lb by Friday? Indeed. I've got a crap load of work to do this week. Bio essay (haven't started), calculus test, economics test, and French test. Damn, girl, you don't have time to eat. Stay focused. Stay strong.

Take Your Taste Back

All right, all right. So, tonight...I actually ate a dinner. I haven't had a LEGITIMATE meal in a week. Mostly I just have tiny snacks all day. But tonight, I was watching Weeds and this pizza commercial came on JUST as I got up to get a fat-free yogurt. It drove me so crazy, I literally rewinded the TV to watch it again. Into the kitchen, I went. It would have been a binge, but it wasn't. I ate my mother's amazing Indian food: chickpea masala, with...white bread. Damn. I was controlled though, the whole time. I knew perfectly well what I was doing, and the whole time the voice in my head begged me to stop, but I didn't. In total, that was about 300 calories and 10 grams of fat. Shit...For a person who usually eats 300 calories in a whole day, that IS a binge! But I'm not thinking much about it.

I'm gonna be a superstar all weekend. You know how I know? Because I weighed-in tonight at 101.8 lb. That's right. 101.8. *bows* I stepped on that scale 3 times to make sure. That dinner will be nothing. (Touch wood) Tomorrow, I'll follow my usual plan, and at the party "I ate before I came," and since it's at Scooters, I'll be burning TONS of cals skating. Whoa! It's like everything's just handed to me! Thanks so much for the advice, petals. I love the vegan excuse, I'm totally using it. I even brought up veganism with those friends once. I didn't work out today. I thought about it, but my biceps are sore, my shoulders are sore. Don't even get me started on my legs. Tomorrow, I'll be skating for God knows how long, that'll be good exercise. Let's do something fun, let's bet on how much I'll weigh by Sunday! Haha, I have wayyy to much fun with this ED, or whatever it is I have.

OH, and that friend! I sat next to her in Bio today. We started talking about Wintergirls, she said she'd lend it to me, so I told her about Wasted and that I'd lend it to her. Then she brought up Ellen Degeneres' wife's book on her anorexia. (It JUST came out, it's called Unbearable Lightness.) Then she took out this cereal called Cheerios, saying, "There's only 100 calories and 1 gram of fat, per CUP." We each had 10 Cheerios. Then she said, "Ohmagawd, like, two years ago, my doctor, like, I got down to 95 lb so my doctor made my mom, like, sit with me for every meal, it was awful." JUST LIKE ME. So I exclaimed, "Oh my God, like, ME TOO, I got down to 90 lb two years ago, and my mom would sit with me during and 20 minutes after I finished!" She said, "Aw, to make sure you wouldn't purge?" I nodded, and she said, "Damn, 90? What are you at now?" I told her 102, then we talked about going to the gym together. I am pretty flabbergasted at all this, but I'm still keeping my guard up. It's too weird to be real.

Busy

There is a direct correlation between procrastination and binging. Allow me to elaborate. I don't do my homework on the weekend like I'm supposed to. Nor do I start the assignment that's due in a week. Close to the day the assignment is due, I start it. But, homework has also piled up over the past two weeks. Stress emerges and BAM binge. It all makes sense. Why haven't I been updating? Because I have not been paying attention. I don't know my weight. I haven't exercised all week and I don't plan to, until Friday. I have been eating....normally. Basically, I'm maintaining a weight. I have been focusing my attentions on school work. How boring. I'm SO ready to lose a bunch of weight starting Friday!

I don't like this business of maintaining a weight. I seriously AM bored. But I don't have much time to think about it, with all this school work. I'll update when I can during this week, but probably not till Friday.

Tis Better To Be Feared Than Loved

Everyone was blogging about bingeing so I binged. It was completely accidental. I swear. I purged some, but not all. So I'm probably still around 103 lb. Not weighing until Tuesday. Plus, I got my period yesterday. Sucks. I'm totally bloated. It kinda makes me laugh, because I LOOK like I've gained 3 lb, but I know I haven't, that's impossible...right? I don't know. I still laugh, because I know that I am capable of being 100 lb by Tuesday or Wednesday regardless. I've been hanging out with my inner bitch a lot lately. I spent a long time on Facebook chat talking to a guy I met once, in September, giving him all sorts of attitude, hinting how cold I can be. He wasn't turned off in the slightest, but I don't care anyway; he's fat and ugly. Some days it bothers me how self-centered and bitchy I can be. But most days, I don't care. I am an extremely powerful girl. I scare people [away]. That's powerful. In high school, kids were intimidated by my silence. THAT's power. Fucking Queen Alisha at her finest. Okay, maybe not. Come back down to earth, missy.

My life revolves around exercise, calories, weight, avoiding food...That's why I am the way I am. I obsess over control. Knowledge, control, and ultimate power. As a kid, I used to have these fantasies where I'd be...taking over the world. Scary. Sometimes I think, no boy would ever fall in love with me, want to be with me. What's sad, is that I'm a hopeless romantic. I have dreams of finding "the one," a love story. Someone who'd love me for being the person I am. Yes, I have attitude, but it's usually intended to be funny and sarcastic. For now, I can just focus on weight loss. No one worth my friendship or heart has arrived yet. I'm also an artist. I never talk about that stuff on here. I have an intense sense of aesthetic. I am a writer. I take pictures of the city. For those of you with a xanga and interested in my writing : http://xox-blackroses-xox.xanga.com/ Not much else to say, other than I'm gonna lose 3 lb by Tuesday. Weeeee!

To Be Completely Honest

I do not enjoy the feeling of emptiness. I do not like the feeling of starving. Of the emptiness I feel after purging every calorie in my stomach. I don't like it. Not one bit. That emptiness is what leads me to a binge. What I DO like, is eating 35 fat-free calories 4 times a day. I like the feeling my metabolism running. I like feeling accomplished and awake. Today, I satisfied every craving I had to binge. Yes, I purged, but I learned an important lesson. I learned that the emptiness is not worth it. The calories are not worth it. It's best to not eat, period. I eat 150 fat free calories at breakfast. After that, eating 35 fat-free calories 4 times during the day leaves me happy, light, and satisfied. I am so happy to have figured this out today.

So, whooooo's the skinny bitch? Me. Except my thighs. They are stubborn. EVERYTHING else is shrinking. But my thighs are fat rebels. They'll learn. I have faith in them... Spent an unexpected hour at the gym today. I finished failing my economics test at 9 AM, felt like shit, got over it, and went to the gym intending to do cardio for 30 minutes and get out. At the gym, I saw my economics buddy there! So we did the stationary bike together for 20 minutes (time FLIES when you're taking to someone). Then we did weights (women only hour in half the gym!) for 15 minutes. Oh, and me being a tank, I tried the bench press. I did 5 reps, 45 lb, I think. When she left, I spent 30 minutes running intervals around the indoor track. SO SORE now.

Weighed-in this morning at 103 lb. Yay! Omg, this is so exciting, I'm trembling, 3 more lb and I'll be 100 lb! Okay, okay. Last weekend was the biggest disaster of my life. Won't happen again. Mom's away all weekend, so no one's gonna come home with cinnamon raisin bread or chocolate or milk pastries for me! No one's gonna cook or ask me what I'll have for dinner. So...who's down for losing 3 lb by Tuesday? It's a contest, last one there's a Miley!!! (For Hannah Montana fans.) I'm kidding, it's not a contest; I'm just having fun. Take care, lovelies!

^Everyone love Karlie Kloss, right?!

Everything that has happened in the past hour has proved that I am a fat-ass.

Fucking hell.

The only way I can make up for this is to do some kind of detox tomorrow. I don't have time to exercise this weekend.

JESUS CHRIST!, I KNEW I couldn't make it through this weekend without OD-ing on bread.

Okay, you fucking bitch, Alisha, tomorrow, you are only allowed yogurt, natural muesli, fruits, and veggies. Cela tous.

Only I like to add bits of French to my speech...

I'm pissed off, like, majorly at myself.

Well, I don't have to make this worse. I can make it better. I'll start now.

I hope everyone is doing better than me.

Safety

Dammit, my jeans are too lose. Don't get me wrong, I hate tight clothes, but jeans can only be so lose before the start to look ugly on you. My jeans, that I swear were too tight 2 weeks ago, are extremely lose and baggy...and a belt doesn't help much because they're baggy around the butt and thighs...So THAT'S why I look stumpy in the mirror, my pants are too lose! Arg. I'm gonna dig up my jeans from 2 years ago and throw my current ones in the dryer for a bit to shrink them. But hey, I'm losing weight! Yay! I am so glad this week is over. I'm gonna catch up on my sleep this weekend.

Today, I ate a little more than usual, but not by much. Today, about 600 calories. The only difference, is that I didn't work out today. Needed a break. Tomorrow, I'm gonna do lengths at the pool for an hour: low-impact, but effective, cardio. I came home at 8 PM and binged on almond butter, a slice of bread with olive butter, and a handful of chocolate chips. So I purged it all. Then did it all again. The second time around, I don't think I got all the chocolate out. Chocolate is so hard to purge...Anyway, I'll be okay. I'm not in binge mode. It's going to be a safe weekend.

OH FUCK!, I just remembered it's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada! Dinner at my nana's on Sunday and dinner with my family on the holiday Monday! Dammit! I cannot get out of Thanksgiving dinners. I'll just have to...be on my guard, eat as little as possible, stay focused...stay strong...Whenever my nana has dinners, they comment on my eating and tell me to take a lot of food. It's so awkward for me, and especially since they don't know about my past eating issues, I can always feel my parents' eyes on me...I am too strong, and I have come to far to slip up now. You girls should see my toned thin arms and my solid abs! I just need to burn more fat to fix my hips and eat less to make my tummy concave and expose my bones.

In Writing

Rules:

-Less than 500 calories per day

-no carbs after 6 PM

-no calories after 8 pm

-ABSOLUTELY NO FAT WHATSOEVER

-money is not to be spent on calories

-exercise 5 days a week for at least an hour (Mon-Fri)

-stay strong

I love that picture. Anyway, I feel like I need some kind of structure. So I'm contemplating trying the 246 diet or ABC. 246 seems more manageable. And I know a girl who lost a ton of weight on 246. I think I'll start with 400 tomorrow. 600 Tuesday, 200 Wednesday, repeat. I binged today. What a shithead, I know. I didn't exercise at all this weekend...And I wasted 4 hours today. That's valuable study time! Dammit, now I'm behind. I hate letting you girls down. It make me sad that I write about starting over and making everything better and you girls always say I'm such an inspiration, and then I go and mess up by binging today. I'm sorry. I've let myself and you girls down. But it'll only take spending a few days away from home to get back into routine. At the library, away from food and distractions.

Oops

Oh, shit. I just binged.

Gross. Like, I don't even wanna get into it.

I'm fat, bloated, constipated, ugh, and my tummy is sticking out like a sore thumb.

But here's the silver lining: It only takes 3-4 days for me to start looking thin and lovely again.

So, if I start over tomorrow, eating clean, working out like crazy, avoiding food and fat, I'll be back where I should be by Sunday.

I am noticing a pattern: I tend to binge late at night when I get home. On ww bread with olive butter. AT NIGHT. Why? I think it might have something to do with me not having enough energy during the day. Like, at around 2 oclock I start feeling sluggish and tired. And all I think about during that time, is food. Eating food. Fooooooood! So, to avoid that, I'm gonna start eating a slice of ww bread as a morning snack so I have the energy for the rest of the day, then eliminate starches/meat after 5 PM. I'll go to Starbucks around 2, and get a strong coffee to keep me alert and focused on my goals.

It's actually not even funny how fat I am at this current time. I won't mess up tomorrow.

Necessities

I didn't want to drive 25 minutes to UTM to use the gym after a minor binge, so I went to the community centre and redeemed one of my free passes. I spent over an hour at the gym. I ran for 20 minutes non-stop, which is huge for me. I'm used to doing short intervals. The longest I've done is 8 minutes running. But I'm trying to build up endurance. I'm proud of myself! So the binge: chocolate, almond butter, slice of ww bread, butter and ww spaghetti w/sauce. Ugh. I purged the spaghetti, and knew that I had to work everything else off. Which led me to the gym. On a fucking Saturday. I was supposed to go out with friends for a BBQ tonight, but I cancelled on account of my fear of food/eating. On the plus side, my parents still think I'm going out, so they won't make me go out for dinner with them. And I can study all night. I am really behind...

It is absolutely necessary that I lose more weight. I need to get below 100 lb. Then I know that I'll be really pretty. I hate how sometimes I feel real thin, but then I'll randomly feel my arms and notice how much excess skin there is. It depresses me and reminds me of how much work I have to do. I'm noticing progress, though, since I started school. My hip bones are prominent. I HAVE LOST HIP FAT, AKA my lovehandles! There's only a little more fat on my hips that will go very shortly if I keep up my cardio. Then the fat will go from my thunder thighs. I don't care if my boobs resort to an 11 year-old's. Currently, I'm as chesty as a pre-teen girl. I think small breasts make you look more dainty/elegant anyway. *sigh* I can see it now. Me, 93 lb, thin delicate arms, bony shoulders, hip bones like knives, long slender legs...

It is absolutely necessary that I lose more weight.