I guess you could say, I'm making progress. Or you could say I'm at a standstill. Yes, I've been eating better, and yes, I've been exercising a lot. I've been eating better since Wednesday. But, I must mention that I've been having Nutella. Jesus. Christ. THAT IS A FORBIDDEN ITEM. It's not SAFE. It's BAD. But I've been having it. Not enough to make me gain weight, though. And today, I was so good, but at 7 45 PM when it was just me and my sister at home, I had a bowl of cereal with almond milk, some french fries, lots of Nutella, and bread with jam. Today. I'll probably gain from that, but I'm just trying to focus on doing better from NOW ON. I'm sorry I let that binge happen. But it did, and I can't go back, but I can do better in the future.
I am very terrified that I won't make it to the 90s for xmas. So terrified, that the thought leaves a lump in my throat, a wrench in my stomach. It scares me to death. THIS EXACT TIME last year is when I set my 93 lb UGW. My journal says I was supposed to be there by December 18th, 2009. I didn't make it. There are numerous scribbles: the date kept having to be pushed. It's still being pushed. It's heartbreaking to realize that I've been such a failure. But no. Not this time. No. One year later, I am going to make it. I am going to beat this. I'm going to win. I'm going to be thin. I'm going to have. It. All.
I do my best if I plan my intake. Here we go: breakfast: usual muesli with raspberries and nonfat yogurt (150), apple (50), bread+jam (100), yogurt (35), rice cake (40). That's about 400 calories a day. No exceptions, no add-ins, NOTHING. That's the PLAN. That's the DIET. That's my LIFESTYLE until I reach my goal. This is a decision I'm making for ME, for my sanity. I'm making this conscious decision. And I HAVE to eat every 3 hours, without fail. If not, I end up binging. I'll stick to this plan. It's the only way I'll be safe.
I didn't go to the gym today, on account of my malnutrition was causing a bad headache and I felt light-headed which would be bad at the gym, so I went home at 4. However, I did 30 minutes of leisure ballet practice. I really worked up a sweat, I was surprised! That means lots of calories were burned. I guess I'll be doing ballet more often! I want to be super tiny for ballet. Our recital is in May, and we don't have our costumes yet, but I want my thighs and hips to shrink drastically for ballet. To be lovely and graceful.
you are so amazing!
ReplyDeleteI wish i had will power like you
You'll get there, I just know it. I absolutely believe in you darl :)
ReplyDeleteAll my love,
Adeline xx
last year was last year, THIS year you WILL reach the 90's. don't doubt yourself, just keep pushing and i'm sure you'll be amazed at your results <3
ReplyDeletei know how it is to see the date of a goal pushed forward. and i know how you feel.
ReplyDeletebut dont worry, you'll get there. i know you will. which gives me hope that i too will get there.
you can do it. you really can. :)
That was so inspiring right now, I am completely stunned!
ReplyDeleteYou can do it this time, you are ready. Definitely.
<3 You have my heart,
Merely
You can do it. Eating every 3 hours sounds like a very sensible way to keep from binging. Good luck. <3
ReplyDeleteHave you noticed the recent Nutella commercials promoting it almost as a health product? The mother, smiling over her young children, notes it contains cocoa and skim milk. Uh, yeah, and palm oil which is 50% saturated fat.
ReplyDeleteAt least you splurged on something delicious. It satisfied a sweet tooth and didn't spark a binge, that's pretty good! Sounds like you have strong resolve and should make it.