Thursday, April 29, 2010

That's it

I've had enough of binging.
I mean, I've had enough!
I was so good last week. Between the 19th and the 23rd I lost almost 2 pounds. I gained three pounds over the weekend.
I don't know why I "yo-yo" like this.

I want to be thin and frail and...perfect so bad!
I want my arms to look like sticks, like the way they did when I was bulimic last year.
Since losing my gag reflex, I've gained a lot...
But I can get over this! I can become skinny!

There are 25 days until my birthday. I want to lose 10 pounds by then. 10 pounds.
I need to stop binging. Stop eating junk. I need to get it into my head!
I'm getting so fat with all this binging! I don't want to be 106 pounds! I want to be in the 90s! I want to be thin...that's all. I feel so worthless. Like nothing is more important than being thin. I think, I will starve myself tomorrow. Only fruits and vegetables, if I'm really hungry.

Remember what you want, darling. Remember what is more important. Being thin will feel way better than that chocolate will ever taste.

Boney arms and protruding hip bones <3

Friday, April 23, 2010

Progress Report

On Monday, I weighed in at 105.2 lb. On Wednesday, I was 104.2.
Today I weighed in at 103.8 lb.

That's great!
I managed to keep my intake below 500 cals all week, and I exercised almost every day.
That is how to see results.
I was good. I didn't cave into junk food. I resisted eating. I remembered what I said I woud do, I remembered what I really wanted in life.

But, alas, I had Nutella and pizza today. More than 500 calories...
That means, today was a cheat day. I really wanted Sunday to be a cheat day so I could make and eat a whole stack of pancakes with loads of maple syrup, but I guess I can't do that anymore...Oh well, live and learn...

This coming Monday is the day I should reach my goal of 103 lb. I can do it.
I am a fighter. I am strong. I have what it takes.
Think thin.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Think Thin

Yes, I'm down to 105 lb!
So my goal for next Monday is to be 103. I can totally do it.
I just finished day 3 of ABC, let's see how far I get this time.

I'm tired of binging and doing bad stuff to my body.
I don't want to make my blood sugar levels go crazy.
I'm tired of that stuff.

I've started a written weight-loss journal. Writing down everything, what I'm allowed etc.
No more binging. I decided that. I'll allow one cheat meal each week, but that's it. It HAS to be every 6 days, however.
Less than 500 calories each day, fat intake must be below 10 grams.

I want to be thin so much more than I want that chocolate or that almond butter. That's right.

Monday, April 12, 2010


I'm sick of failing.
I'm sick of eating chocolate late at night.
I will never OPEN a package of chocolate again.
Remember me writing about my mom buying 4 packages of chocolate chips? Well, in 4 days, I finished two of those packages.
I will NOT open the last two.

I'm sick of failing. I did so well, today...
I came home at 9:30 after my piano lesson, and went straight to the kitchen for no reason. I should have just gone straight to my room.

I hate this. I just want to lose these 6 pounds and become 100 lb again, the way I was in February...

I'm sick of saying, "I should have I should have...!" blah blah blah.
My words mean nothing. I never thought I would be the "all talk, no action" type.

I want to make a difference in my life. I want to.
This is MY life.
Only I have the ability to change my life, my ways. It's all up to me. Only me. I'm on my own with this.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Two pounds down.

Ahh, messed up day 4 of ABC yesterday. Instead of 400 cals, I had a little over 600. Stupid. It was dumb...

So I'll start again tomorrow. Except this time I won't be as lenient. No more than 50 calories over the daily budget.
Tomorrow budget is 500 calories.
I really like the ABC diet. I really noticed the difference in a few days! I am grateful for my fast metabolism.

Anyway, I weighed myself yesterday (I couldn't resist!) and I was 105.5 lb. That's two pounds down from last Sunday. Yay! I'll weigh in, again, tomorrow morning because Sunday is always a weigh-in day.

-french ISU paragraph-brouillon
-english ISU points

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Day 3

I've finished day 3 of the ABC diet.
I've gone 50 calories over it sometimes, but I'm getting it for the most part.

Today's intake was 350 cals.
I wonder what I'll be when I weigh in on Sunday...

To do tomorrow when I come home from school at 11:
-work out: 25 min intervals on stairmaster + 20 min strength training
-have protein shake
-make les macarons
-do chem notes
-plot out points for ISU

Every time I sit down to eat, I think 'why am I doing this?' It's not like I want to eat. I just don't want my stomach to growl loudly later on AND I don't want my metabolism to slow down AND I don't want to get that binging feeling. Mais, en tout cas, every time I sit down to eat, I don't want to. I make myself though.

Hopefully, I'm 103-104 lb by Sunday.
Tomorrow's limit will be around 400 calories, WITHOUT exercise outtake.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

New Start

So, after last week's disaster, I am starting fresh.
I was good yesterday, and today so far.
I've decided to start the ABC diet today. I won't be too strict with it. Like, a few calories over is fine.
Today's intake will be less than 500 cals.

I have my goal constantly in mind. Constantly. It helps.
I think about what I want, how bad I want to be thinner, how lovely I'll look when I'm 93 pounds...

My mom did grocery shopping yesterday and, BOY, she came back with flours, chocolate, chocolate chips, and loads of butter...HOPING for me to bake something. She wants me to bake something, like cookies or white chocolate brownies. She loves that stuff (or maybe she knows I'll eat it and thus gain weight). She even mentioned again today that she'd just LOVE some chocolate chip cookies baked by me.
Blah blah blah, I said I would try when I find the time, for now I've got school work.

I really don't want to bake, because I know that I'll end up having some of whatever i bake! It's bad. The sad part is that there's 4 packages of chocolate chips, 12 ounces of white chocolate, and two new bags of flour in the cupboard. This situation plus my mom makes me feel so guilty about not baking.
This is not about my mom. This is not about baking. This is not about the feelings of others.
This is about ME. This is about what I want. This is about what I can control.
I need only think about myself, if I want to reach my goals.

Hmm, I feel hunger coming on...that's my cue to eat something. Something SMALL.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Thou shall be thin

I am at my highest weight in a long time. I'm probably at LEAST 110 pounds.
That is so fucking disgusting. I feel like beating myself up.
My arms used to have tone and definition. Now they are flabbly and not defined.
And my prized six pack...
All the muscle that I worked so hard for is burried under a thick layer of fat.

I am perfectly capable of losing the weight fast. I will do it.
Starting today, I am on a diet.
No junk food.
The food can wait.
I can't have it now. Maybe one day, but not until I reach my goal.
Goal Weight: 93 pounds.


Thou shall be skinny.
Thou shall not be fat.