I Have Friends In Holy Spaces

I have no idea how I'm going to tell my parents that I am not going to eat starches after 5 pm from now on. They will go all ape-shit on me. They'll think I'm trying to lose weight the unhealthy way and that I'm going back to my old "rubbish" and all that crap. I mean, my family's habits are actually really unhealthy. Why can't I be healthy? There's nothing wrong with that! They'll have to deal with it, because I don't give a shit how they feel or what they have to say. This is my life and I'm going to live it the way I want to. This is my life. It's all I have. So, like Adeline said, tomorrow marks the start of a new month. A new start. A chance to make everything better. Better than I ever could have imagined. I'm going to lose weight, and be everything I wanted to be. Thin and lovely. I start uni orientation tomorrow. I'm going to be a university student. Smart. Classy. Friendly. Pretty. I haven't had guy friends in 3 years. I don't really know how to act around them any more, so I'm hoping I'll meet some guys! Wish me luck!
I'm turning to my friends in holy spaces. The Dark Passesger. Ana. They'll make sure I stay on track. They'll remind me who I really am. That I have chosen this life. That THIS is ALL I HAVE.

"I just know there's something dark in me and I hide it. I certainly don't talk about it, but it's there always, this Dark Passenger. And when he's driving, I feel alive, half sick with the thrill of complete wrongness. I don't fight him, I don't want to. He's all I've got. Nothing else could love me, not even... especially not me. Or is that just a lie the Dark Passenger tells me?"- Dexter Morgan

Watching old Dexter episodes, prepping for Season 5 on September 26, keeps me "in check." In a way, I can relate to the guy. Oh, and I have 55 followers! I love all of you. Your support means the world.

No more almond butter for ME.

FML, I just ODed on almond butter and chocolate. That's 95 calories with 8 grams of fat for the almond butter. And 70 calories with 5 grams of fat for the chocolate. Shit. I know it doesn't sound so bad, but it IS bad for someone like me who eats less than 200 calories throughout the day! My body will store all the fat and carbs it can! Well, I'm going for ballet tonight, and right after I'll go for an interval run. Gotta burn that shit off, gotta burn it off. I CANNOT GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT, I'M SICK OF THIS PLATEAU. I'm gonna keep the empty almond butter jar in the pantry because my mom won't buy it if she thinks we still have a whole jar. No more slip-ups. No more greedy mouth. I am strong.
I can have half an apple and then no more food for today. I mean it, Alisha! Go to bed hungry, you deserve it. Remember: tomorrow's a new day. Don't you want to be in the 102 lb range for Friday? Yes, I do! Don't you want a BMI of less than effing 17.65? Yes! Okay, now that we've establised that, we can move on to a new life of no more fat. Excellent. I love you, ana. I know you do.

New Take?

Okay, the new plan is to cut out ALL fat from my intake. Like, fat just grosses me out. I really am sick of seeing it on my body and thinking about it makes my stomach churn. Ew, fat. I want to be leaner, so decreasing my fat intake should to the trick. I mean usually, my intake consists of over 25 grams of fat! That's disgusting, especially since my protein intake is around only around 40 grams...

So tomorrow:
-minimal/no fat
-workout for an hour
-aim for 600 calories.

And I'm thinking about getting Hydroxycut, to jump-start my weight-loss. Have any of you angels tried it? Tell me about it, if you have experience with it.
No fat. No fat. No more refined carbs. No refined sugar. No fat! No more self-destruction!

Planning Loveliness + Recipe by me

Yesterday, I managed to get away with making a low-calorie-low-fat pancake for me on the side of my mom's fatty buttermilk pancakes. I was so happy. The whole day was gonna be fine, until me and my sister were leaving our tutoring place, and I really had to pee. So we went into Tim Horton's (coffee shop), and I told her to get whatever she wanted. I told her to get me ONE applefritter timbit (donut hole). I figure it's only 50 cals, 1 g of fat, no biggie. I come out of the washroom, and my sister's all like, "They didn't have any timbits, so I got you an applefritter donut. You'll eat it right?" In my head I was like, "Uh, NO, you idiot." If I only wanted ONE timbit, why the hell would I want a whole stupid donut, which is 300 cals and 11 g of fat. Ugh, I was so upset, because when I though I thought I would only take one bite of that donut, it ended up being so good that I ate the whole stupid thing, which depressed the crap outta me and so I went home and binged on Toblerone chocolate, bread, and Nutella.

Anyway, but today was a better day. Intake of 500 cals. I've been planning my intake, and following my schedule of working out. I worked out a lot today, and now my arms, abs, and quads are sore. Good! When I weighed-in this morning, I was 106 lb...Christ...I hope that's because I had to go to the bathroom (to get rid of...you know). So, with diligence I can be 103 by Friday. It honestly makes me mad the way I keep setting a goal day for 103 lb, and it NEVER happens. Well, you know what, it's GONNA happen this Friday. Girls, I promise, I'll be 103 this Friday. You can hold me accountable.

So here's my original recipe for the low cal pancake:
Mix together
2 Tbs Whole Wheat flour,
1/2 tsp Baking Powder,
1/3-1/2 tsp Cinnamon (however much you like).
Stir in
3 Tbs low-fat milk (I used 1%).
Cook on griddle/pan, flipping once. I used exact measurements, and when I poured the batter onto the pan, of course not all of the batter came out. So depending on the kind of ingredients you use, it should have less than 90 calories. Mine had 85, with virtually zero fat.

Today, I had more chocolate than I should have had (apx 100 cals), but tomorrow, there will be none. Also I need to decrease the amount of fat I intake. That means, no snacking on almond butter after-school! I'm going to start running next Monday. AND OMG, this summer I am going to be in a beginners adult ballet class! I'm so excited. Ballet is something I've wanted to do since I was a small girl, but my parents never put in in it, depite my asking. Instead they put me in stuff that I wasn't really interested in... ANYWAY, I'm so excited to do ballet and be graceful and toned and lovely.
I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to lose weight and be skinny. I'm excited to see where life after high school will take me. I'm excited for my life. I will be better. Tomorrow will be better, I'll make sure of it. Tomorrow's limit: 500 cals.

104.7

Okay, so I've decided that fasting isn't really for me. For two days, it really slowed my metabolism down. I felt it and saw it on the scale. Usually I would have dropped a at least ONE pound in two days, but with this fast I only dropped .5 of a pound. How stupid. So I'm just gonna focus on cutting calories. And exercising like crazy.

By Monday the goal is to be 103 lb. Since my parents are going to a wedding tomorrow night I can skip dinner and work out instead. I binged today: 5 timbits=250 calories. GROSS. So I've gotta be good tomorrow and Sunday if I want to be 103 on Monday. The problem is that Sunday is MOTHER'S DAY, and my mom wants me to make her buttermilk pancakes! OMG I make those from scratch, and BOY, let me tell you, they're restaurant style and there is SO MUCH fat in those! Butter and oil and buttermilk and refined carbs...Oh, I feel fat just thinking about it! What do I do? How do I get out of eating those? AND we're going to go to my grandparents' for dinner. Friggin' hell. I'm going to have to work out A LOT this weekend.

I'm going to start running next week. My mom and dad bought me expensive running shoes so I can start. Actually, I need to get proper pants first...Like those tight capri pants you see runners wear. Also, I'm going to start looking into fitness classes. I want to start now or in the summer. I want to try pilates, I'll look into ballet, or spinning, or kickboxing...I need to do something! Maybe I'll get back into swimming.

Oh, and I really hate my parents. They freaked out of their goddam mind on Wednesday because I refused to eat the hamburger they grilled for dinner. They freaked right out. They are SO ANNOYING! They watch EVERYTHING I eat. Everytime I grab something from the kitchen my stupid mother wants to know what I'm eating. Like, fuck off, I hate telling people what I'm eating especially if it's junk. I mean why does she always want to know what I'm eating. Why does she constantly watch me and my plate when I eat!? I hate her! I hate my parents! They NEED to leave me alone. They threatened to send me back to the ED clinic. So I ate only the beef of the burger. Oh, they are SO gonna get shit from me when I turn 18 on the 24. Then they can't make me go to any stupid clinic or make me eat when I'm 18.

Anyway, that's just a part of what's going on in my head right now...I've got so much to handle...
I will my thighs were that toned...

Weighed-in this morning at 107 lb. Yuck. By Friday, I'm hoping to be 105. AND I CANNOT SLIP UP OVER THE WEEKEND. I'm so sick of food, I swear to God.

And I HATE family dinners. I was gonna skip dinner today, and my stupid dad came home from work early so my stupid mom wanted to eat dinner as a family. I hate eating with my family because they're so critical of my when I eat. They always think I'm not eating, and blah blah. I hate them. I mean, truthfully, my day was so so perfect, until I had to sit and eat with them. They're such an annoyance in my life. Like food. Anyway, so I just pushed a lot of food around my plate...

Today's intake was 545 cals. No more for the day. I also did intervals on the Stairmaster for 25 minutes! Tralalala, I'm going to be skinny, I'm going to be skinny...I will!

I think I hate eating in front of other people in general. It makes me so uncomfortable.

So I have to do a TON of research on Emma and Anne of Green Gables, study for an advanced functions test, catch up on chemistry, and practice piano. Trust me it's a lot. Especially along with trying to lose 10 pounds in 21 days.
Think thin!

That's it

I've had enough of binging.
I mean, I've had enough!
I was so good last week. Between the 19th and the 23rd I lost almost 2 pounds. I gained three pounds over the weekend.
I don't know why I "yo-yo" like this.

I want to be thin and frail and...perfect so bad!
I want my arms to look like sticks, like the way they did when I was bulimic last year.
Since losing my gag reflex, I've gained a lot...
But I can get over this! I can become skinny!

There are 25 days until my birthday. I want to lose 10 pounds by then. 10 pounds.
I need to stop binging. Stop eating junk. I need to get it into my head!
I'm getting so fat with all this binging! I don't want to be 106 pounds! I want to be in the 90s! I want to be thin...that's all. I feel so worthless. Like nothing is more important than being thin. I think, I will starve myself tomorrow. Only fruits and vegetables, if I'm really hungry.

Remember what you want, darling. Remember what is more important. Being thin will feel way better than that chocolate will ever taste.

Boney arms and protruding hip bones <3

Progress Report

On Monday, I weighed in at 105.2 lb. On Wednesday, I was 104.2.
Today I weighed in at 103.8 lb.

That's great!
I managed to keep my intake below 500 cals all week, and I exercised almost every day.
That is how to see results.
I was good. I didn't cave into junk food. I resisted eating. I remembered what I said I woud do, I remembered what I really wanted in life.

But, alas, I had Nutella and pizza today. More than 500 calories...
That means, today was a cheat day. I really wanted Sunday to be a cheat day so I could make and eat a whole stack of pancakes with loads of maple syrup, but I guess I can't do that anymore...Oh well, live and learn...

This coming Monday is the day I should reach my goal of 103 lb. I can do it.
I am a fighter. I am strong. I have what it takes.
Think thin.

Think Thin

Yes, I'm down to 105 lb!
So my goal for next Monday is to be 103. I can totally do it.
I just finished day 3 of ABC, let's see how far I get this time.

I'm tired of binging and doing bad stuff to my body.
I don't want to make my blood sugar levels go crazy.
I'm tired of that stuff.

I've started a written weight-loss journal. Writing down everything, what I'm allowed etc.
No more binging. I decided that. I'll allow one cheat meal each week, but that's it. It HAS to be every 6 days, however.
Less than 500 calories each day, fat intake must be below 10 grams.

I want to be thin so much more than I want that chocolate or that almond butter. That's right.

sick

I'm sick of failing.
I'm sick of eating chocolate late at night.
I will never OPEN a package of chocolate again.
Remember me writing about my mom buying 4 packages of chocolate chips? Well, in 4 days, I finished two of those packages.
I will NOT open the last two.

I'm sick of failing. I did so well, today...
I came home at 9:30 after my piano lesson, and went straight to the kitchen for no reason. I should have just gone straight to my room.

I hate this. I just want to lose these 6 pounds and become 100 lb again, the way I was in February...

I'm sick of saying, "I should have I should have...!" blah blah blah.
My words mean nothing. I never thought I would be the "all talk, no action" type.

I want to make a difference in my life. I want to.
I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE.
This is MY life.
Only I have the ability to change my life, my ways. It's all up to me. Only me. I'm on my own with this.

Two pounds down.

Ahh, messed up day 4 of ABC yesterday. Instead of 400 cals, I had a little over 600. Stupid. It was dumb...

So I'll start again tomorrow. Except this time I won't be as lenient. No more than 50 calories over the daily budget.
Tomorrow budget is 500 calories.
I really like the ABC diet. I really noticed the difference in a few days! I am grateful for my fast metabolism.

Anyway, I weighed myself yesterday (I couldn't resist!) and I was 105.5 lb. That's two pounds down from last Sunday. Yay! I'll weigh in, again, tomorrow morning because Sunday is always a weigh-in day.

To-do:
-french ISU paragraph-brouillon
-english ISU points
-FINISH CHEMISTRY NOTES

Day 3

I've finished day 3 of the ABC diet.
I've gone 50 calories over it sometimes, but I'm getting it for the most part.

Today's intake was 350 cals.
I wonder what I'll be when I weigh in on Sunday...

To do tomorrow when I come home from school at 11:
-work out: 25 min intervals on stairmaster + 20 min strength training
-have protein shake
-make les macarons
-do chem notes
-plot out points for ISU

Every time I sit down to eat, I think 'why am I doing this?' It's not like I want to eat. I just don't want my stomach to growl loudly later on AND I don't want my metabolism to slow down AND I don't want to get that binging feeling. Mais, en tout cas, every time I sit down to eat, I don't want to. I make myself though.

Hopefully, I'm 103-104 lb by Sunday.
Tomorrow's limit will be around 400 calories, WITHOUT exercise outtake.

New Start

So, after last week's disaster, I am starting fresh.
I was good yesterday, and today so far.
I've decided to start the ABC diet today. I won't be too strict with it. Like, a few calories over is fine.
Today's intake will be less than 500 cals.

I have my goal constantly in mind. Constantly. It helps.
I think about what I want, how bad I want to be thinner, how lovely I'll look when I'm 93 pounds...

My mom did grocery shopping yesterday and, BOY, she came back with flours, chocolate, chocolate chips, and loads of butter...HOPING for me to bake something. She wants me to bake something, like cookies or white chocolate brownies. She loves that stuff (or maybe she knows I'll eat it and thus gain weight). She even mentioned again today that she'd just LOVE some chocolate chip cookies baked by me.
Blah blah blah, I said I would try when I find the time, for now I've got school work.

I really don't want to bake, because I know that I'll end up having some of whatever i bake! It's bad. The sad part is that there's 4 packages of chocolate chips, 12 ounces of white chocolate, and two new bags of flour in the cupboard. This situation plus my mom makes me feel so guilty about not baking.
BUT:
This is not about my mom. This is not about baking. This is not about the feelings of others.
This is about ME. This is about what I want. This is about what I can control.
I need only think about myself, if I want to reach my goals.

Hmm, I feel hunger coming on...that's my cue to eat something. Something SMALL.

bad habit

Yesterday night AND tonight, I had mini binges.
Lots of bread with nutella and chocolate, causing me to mess up ABC diet.
Actually, causing me to mess up in general.

Eating at night is THE worst...
I never thought I was the type...

UGH, I MAKE MYSELF SO MAAADDD!!!

ABC?

I really need to get these pounds off.
I gained 6 pounds in a month...
I'm at 106 lb.

So I'm trying to limit myself to 500 of less cals per day.

However, I KNOW that I am completely capable of losing 6 pounds in under 2 weeks.
I have high metabolism, so I SHOULD be about 100 pounds in about two weeks.
Let's see how this goes...

I've always been scared to try the ABC diet. But I'm thinking it would be the best thing for me if I want to be 93 lb by June 21.
Dammit, I'm so scared.
I'm scared I'll lose control.
I'm scared of being ugly.
I'm scared of becoming fat.
I'm scared.

A challenge

I think it would be a good idea for me to put my intake/outtake on this thing sometimes, just so I can keep track.
Also, it might be a good idea for me to PLAN things out. For example, plan out what I'm going to eat all day, daily routines, etc.

I kinda ate too much today, despite the fact that I told myself not to, despite the fact that I worked out so hard, despite the fact that I WANT to get skinnier...
What a loser I am...

I start school tomorrow after two weeks of spring break.
I also start a new challenge. A challenge to lose weight. I want to be 93 lb by the end of June. That's about 11 pounds to lose. It's completely do-able.

SO:
Starting tomorrow, I restrict my calories. I will exercise at least 3 times each week. I will only allow junk one time per week.

I will be the skinniest I have ever been.
And I will be beautiful.

Mindless

I've been contemplating getting another blog, for my specific "ramblings."

As in, ED, ana, etc...

I just need a place where I can write about this stuff and get feedback.

I really just want to be perfect.
Get into shape. Toned. Beautiful. Skinny.

Ultimate Goal Weight: 93 lb.

I want that Marchesa dress to be my graduation dress. I want that body first.