Fuck the Freshman 15

I weighed-in this morning at 103 lb. Damn straight, I lost 2 lb since Wednesday! So I'm doing pretty good. I swear to God, I barely ever have time to eat. All I want to do is work out and stay in my room studying all day. I'm at that point, again, where I have to force myself to eat something small. I feel better about my body now, I can see my hip bones and arm muscles again. I should be studying now, but I had to update because my stomach is acting up. Gurgling and churning and stuff. It's annoying. I have no idea where or how to start my studying anyway.

Yesterday, I barely ate, so when I got home at 7, I was feeling so empty. It was a good feeling kinda. I just felt so empty all night and felt so very proud of myself. I'm trying to stick to a fat-free diet. It's just the extra-virgin olive oil that is holding me back from fat-free. But I'm working on it, trust me. I think I might be stuck with my fucking family for dinner. I'll purge if I eat more than a salad. I'm losing wwweeiight, I'm gonna get skinnnnierrr, tralalala...

OH! This morning my mom was telling me about one of our family friends. She has a 16-year old daughter and a 13-year old son. The son just got out of the hospital. He was in there for 2 months for...anorexia. I was stunned. People wondered why he was so skinny. Apparently he did sports like crazy and would work out like there's no tomorrow. 13 years old! Male! His father is a doctor, too...But I guess since the family's Indian, no one suspected that. The worst thing is getting caught. It ruins everything. It ruins a family. It ruins your plans. If you've been caught, as I have been too, you know what I mean. So here is the golden rule, just like in Dexter: "Don't get caught and never let anyone see the monster in side you."

"Keeping the truth from the people closest to you is how you'll survive, and how you'll protect them if anything ever goes wrong." - Harry Morgan (Dexter season 1)

I Have Friends In Holy Spaces

I have no idea how I'm going to tell my parents that I am not going to eat starches after 5 pm from now on. They will go all ape-shit on me. They'll think I'm trying to lose weight the unhealthy way and that I'm going back to my old "rubbish" and all that crap. I mean, my family's habits are actually really unhealthy. Why can't I be healthy? There's nothing wrong with that! They'll have to deal with it, because I don't give a shit how they feel or what they have to say. This is my life and I'm going to live it the way I want to. This is my life. It's all I have. So, like Adeline said, tomorrow marks the start of a new month. A new start. A chance to make everything better. Better than I ever could have imagined. I'm going to lose weight, and be everything I wanted to be. Thin and lovely. I start uni orientation tomorrow. I'm going to be a university student. Smart. Classy. Friendly. Pretty. I haven't had guy friends in 3 years. I don't really know how to act around them any more, so I'm hoping I'll meet some guys! Wish me luck!
I'm turning to my friends in holy spaces. The Dark Passesger. Ana. They'll make sure I stay on track. They'll remind me who I really am. That I have chosen this life. That THIS is ALL I HAVE.

"I just know there's something dark in me and I hide it. I certainly don't talk about it, but it's there always, this Dark Passenger. And when he's driving, I feel alive, half sick with the thrill of complete wrongness. I don't fight him, I don't want to. He's all I've got. Nothing else could love me, not even... especially not me. Or is that just a lie the Dark Passenger tells me?"- Dexter Morgan

Watching old Dexter episodes, prepping for Season 5 on September 26, keeps me "in check." In a way, I can relate to the guy. Oh, and I have 55 followers! I love all of you. Your support means the world.