Friday, July 30, 2010

I Heart The Maine

Yes, I am fat. There is no beating around the bush here. I look in the mirror and I average girl. Average. *Yawn* How boring. I am falling asleep. Who the hell wants to be boring old average? Not me. I want to stand out: thin, fragile, delicate, graceful. I'm trying to be positive. I do have a fast metabolism. It only takes my body 4 (if not 3) days of being completely healthy to get back into shape. That's what it's gonna be. Let's go, let's go, 4 days, hun! I can do it! I can make it to 99 lb and get another bracelet! I don't want love handles ever again. Yuck. I hate my hip fat. I don't feel like exercising, even though I should. I might just end up doing some ballet tonight and weight lifting. I ate a STEAMING hot piece of beef a couple of days ago (stupid stupid mistake), and now there are these awful burns scarred on the roof of my mouth. I can't eat anything hard. My mouth hurts so much, even to drink from a straw! So, it's not good, except that I can't eat anything, except for bananas, raspberries...
So, does anyone like The Maine? They played in Toronto last night and the whole show was sold out. I went anyway with a friend because we figured we'd get tickets from a scalper. No such luck. I've never been to a concert where there are no scalpers! So I didn't get to see the show. My plan to get John O to fall in love with me failed miserably. But Pat, Garett, and Jared were hanging around. And I got to see two of my favourite local musicians. They are at EVERY SINGLE concert I go to, promoting their music. It's nice seeing those kinds of familiar faces.
^*sigh* Those are the kind of boys I like.
Toronto was really fun last night. We walked for over an hour and went shopping. Burned lots of calories! And at ballet we spent the whole class on our toes, so my calves are SO sore two days later! On a different note, Miley Cyrus makes me feel less bad about being average.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Je Suis Un Cochon

Yes. That's right. I am a pig. Oh my God. Really. It disgusts me. I disgust me. Oh GROSS. WHOTHEHELLSPENDS4DAYSBINGING? I've had enough of this. Enough of this bullshit. Junk food in my house is decreasing, but there will always be bread. There's no avoiding it. Basically, I've been slathering olive butter on 12-grain bread for 4 days. Excess carbohydrates leads to fat production. And I just ate 5 cookies. More bad carbs and fat. Oh GROSS. This has happened before. I need to put an end to this constant binging before I go insane, the way I did March-June. Constant binging, not exercising, and neglecting my health caused me to go into a wretched state of depression and self-hatred. Plus none of my clothes fit. I promised myself I would never let that happen again. I do not have a separate life from ana. My ability to control my body connects to my ability to do everything else. Tomorrow, I start over. I miss seeing my rib cage. I miss my flat stomach.
I overheard my mother telling someone that I'm going into Life Sciences. It's a lie. I'm going into Psychology. She obviously is embarrassed to tell people that. It is the presitgious thing in our culture to go into the life sciences and become a doctor. My mother is very concerned with how people see us. Goddam, it makes me so mad that she is telling people I'm going into Life Sciences. I'M ashamed of HER. She gets on my nerves. And the other day I was wearing track pants that CLEARLY made my thighs look huge, she was like, "You've gotten soo thin and bony, it's not nice." I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up, if anything, I've GAINED in the past few days. I never reply when my parents make comments like this. I know perfectly well that I don't look any different, they are just trying to get me to eat OR get me to think it.
Okay, well...tomorrow: No fat. One or two servings of carbs. One serving of dairy. Rest fruits and veggies. Exercise for AT LEAST an hour.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Sometimes I Just Go For It

I disgust myself. Seriously. I'm pissed at my mom and dad for making a big deal about my lack of eating. I binged and purged last night. I was making pancakes this morning and my dad comes up to me saying, "I'm worried about you not eating enough. When you're 70 years old your bones will probably be weak and brittle. I hate to think how your bones are now..." I binged again this afternoon. Bread+butter, pancakes, maple syrup, rice, cookie dough...Then I took my sister to Coldstone where I had sweet cream with cookie dough. Dammit. I'm not gonna purge. I deserve to work THAT MUCH HARDER this week. More swimming, running, skipping, and calisthenics. And restricting. I'm good at that when I really try. I honestly can't believe I binged that much. I mean, usually I stop before I go too far, but this was ridicules. I am utterly ashamed of myself.
Going to my aunt's birthday party at her house tonight. Her husband's a chef. Good food. I'll try sticking to veggies only. I made a marble bundt cake to take for dessert. It's a damn good cake. I CANNOT have any dessert. I CANNOT. I WILL NOT. I'll say 'no, thanks.' I promise. I need to prove myself to myself. I DO have the will power. Food is the enemy. I have come wayyy to far to take orders from food. Way too far. Hahaha. I scoff at food. I scoff at fat. I am better than that. Skinny, and everything it brings, is better than that. ^I love that picture so much. I want to go to the beach. Wear beach clothes. And look like the cutest, thinnest girl in sight.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I Am Queen Of My World

I hate my parents. They can mean well, but in all honesty, I hate them a lot. I'm only still here because I need their money to get through university. Otherwise, I'd leave. At 6:30 PM they were bitching because I only had 2 meals: breakfast (because I woke up at 12) and a little dinner. They were like" COME with us for dinner, you CAN'T live off two meals a day." They don't realize that I eat two meals everyday. They kept saying, "You need to more calories a day. You HAVE to come out for dinner with us." I kept saying, "NO, NO. It's FINE. I'm FINE. I JUST ATE at 6. I'm not coming. Bye." Dad says, "You need more calories. Don't make this difficult for us." Me: "Who's making anything difficult?" Dad: "You make it difficult for us when you don't eat." Me: "I'm fine. Goodbye!" I don't care about their guilt trips and family time and their insisting. Giving in is a sign of weakness. It's a sign that I can let people control me. I AM NOT ABOUT TO LET THEM or ANYONE CONTROL ANY PART OF ME. I am queen of my world. Queen Alisha. Queen Alisha does not let anyone tell her what to do.
So ya. Screw my parents. Screw food. I am winning this battle. And it feels great. I managed to do 10 whole minutes of skipping today. I had to stop for a few seconds a couple of times, but it's okay. I can keep building my way up, skipping for longer and longer times. I know I'm losing weight, but I feel like it's not showing enough. My thighs are getting smaller, but they still touch. My hips are wayy smaller than they were last month, but they are still too wide. My stomach still needs shrinking, I hate the way it sticks out. Anyway, my parents really depressed the shit out of me. They made me remember why I should always find a reason to get out of the house. Make up excuses, anything. We live and learn, right!? Well, while my family has dinner I'm going to relax, continue reading East of Eden, and not come out my room for the rest of the night.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I Heart Confidence (And You)

Yesterday's dinner was completely enjoyable. I had creamy baked goat cheese on top of the best salad in the whole world. It was so good I wanted seconds. Of a salad! Then I had salmon on top of another salad. The salad was good and the salmon was boring. I'm kinda tired of always ordering the salmon salad where ever I go. So from now on, if I'm gonna have a cheat meal, it doesn't have to be the healthiest. Oh, and for dessert I had strawberries with a tiny scoop of vanilla bean ice cream and the buttery-est shortbread cookie in the world. I didn't feel bad at all about the meal. I was 102.5 lb, and one meal is not gonna make me any heavier next weigh-in. I got back into routine today. Except: I made chocolate chip cookie dough for my little sister and, of course, I started eating away at the cookie dough. I don't care what anyone or ana says, cookie dough is amazing. I probably had the equivalent of one cookie. Whatever. I kicked my butt today with circuit training and I'm going skating later tonight. I am getting very good at fooling my family. I am losing weight. I am gaining confidence. I am so thankful that I have an online community, here, where we all have similar goals and all you girls offer me your support.
I have to hand it to my parents. They are actually backing off my life. I am noticing it. I can eat whenever and whatever the hell I want. They think I've lost my ability to self-induce vomiting so they don't mind if I go to the washroom after eating. I can go out whenever I want. I can make spontaneous plans. I can skip dinner. I am on the road to 'normalcy.' No one will ever know my secrets. It's so fun to talk to people and laugh about certain things, and at the same time think "If only they knew who I really am and what I'm capable of." To my family, I am a mystery. They don't know any personal things about me. In a small strange way, I like being a mystery. Besides, don't guys like that quality in a girl? Okay, forget boys, they don't like me anyway. I'm self-spoken, too sarcastic, and I'm not afraid to say unusual things. Sometimes, my sarcasm gets mistaken for bitchiness. And I'm a feminist. And I'm the kind of girl who would use a boy for sex and mind games. So I completely understand if boys don't like me. But sometimes, I like to think that I'm the kind of girl boys like. Sometimes. And that's okay.
OKAY! Who's gonna lose at least 2 more pounds by next week? ME! Who's gonna make heads turn? ME! Who's gonna walk into university with overflowing confidence? ME! ME! ME! And to my lovely online community: Good luck with your goals! You are capable and everything is possible! Stay strong and beautiful!

Thursday, July 22, 2010


Melissa, you were right! The 'binge' probably sped up my metabolism because I woke up this morning and weighed-in at 102.5 lb! Yay, no more 103s! I'm thrilled. But still, I cannot stand the sight of my hips. It's horrifying to look in the mirror and see how wide they are. I pinch my hips and I still need to lose at least another 2 inches off them. I hate looking at my hips before I shower, I really do. Moving on. I am happy with my life and the way it's turning out. I can't stress that enough! It's a nice change. I'm so much happier now than I was March to mid-June, when I was gaining weight like crazy and neglecting health. I feel good about myself noq. All 102.5 lb! My clothes are loose and my muscles are fairly prominent. I bought a skipping rope yesterday, and I'm gonna take Rachel's suggestion and try skipping, since 15 minutes burns 128 calories.
I've agreed with my mom to go to the doctor's for a physical, which we do annually before school. The only reason I said okay is because I don't want my family getting suspicious and I KNOW that once university starts I'll be losing a shitload of weight. Life will be good. I'll be so thin that I'll be able to glide, float through rooms. I'll read lots of books, make good friends, study everyday, do my homework, and workout every single day on account of the amazing gym at University of Toronto. I'll be beautiful, graceful, intelligent, and friendly. My family won't bother me. "Alisha, we're going to soandso's for a Christmas party." "I can't I have a HUGE test tomorrow." "Alisha, get ready we're going out for dinner." "I CAN'T I have to finish this paper for Monday." Muahahahah. My parents want to go out for dinner today, which I'm fine with because I've been craving a fine dinner. I don't have to eat everything, anyway.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

No more almond butter for ME.

FML, I just ODed on almond butter and chocolate. That's 95 calories with 8 grams of fat for the almond butter. And 70 calories with 5 grams of fat for the chocolate. Shit. I know it doesn't sound so bad, but it IS bad for someone like me who eats less than 200 calories throughout the day! My body will store all the fat and carbs it can! Well, I'm going for ballet tonight, and right after I'll go for an interval run. Gotta burn that shit off, gotta burn it off. I CANNOT GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT, I'M SICK OF THIS PLATEAU. I'm gonna keep the empty almond butter jar in the pantry because my mom won't buy it if she thinks we still have a whole jar. No more slip-ups. No more greedy mouth. I am strong.
I can have half an apple and then no more food for today. I mean it, Alisha! Go to bed hungry, you deserve it. Remember: tomorrow's a new day. Don't you want to be in the 102 lb range for Friday? Yes, I do! Don't you want a BMI of less than effing 17.65? Yes! Okay, now that we've establised that, we can move on to a new life of no more fat. Excellent. I love you, ana. I know you do.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

All I Need and an Award

I have the power to be everything I need. Thin. Graceful. Powerful. Intelligent. I have that power. I have the ability to control everything in my life. I love having that power. Just knowing that it's mine is comfort enough. All I need is to utilize my power. All I need is to continue getting thinner. Continue getting thinner until I can wear whatever I want. Until I can "float" through rooms. Until my thighs don't crash into each other. Until there is no more fat on my hips.
Weighed-in this morning at 103.2 lb. Whoop-e-doo. Still in the 103's, which is better than gaining.
Oh! I was feeling so fat and bloated yesterday. I took a chance. I did something different. I drove to the drugstore. Walked inside, arms folded around myself. And bought my first laxatives. Simple ones. Then, I locked my stuff in my car, stuffed my key in my bra and ran intervals for 30 minutes, at 9 PM. I felt crazy for some reason. Came home and took one of the laxative pills. Maybe that's why I weighed-in at 103.2 this morning...Anyway, I'm not gonna mess with laxatives. Only for 'emergencies.'
Went for a fitness swim for 50 minutes today. Felt great. I've been pretty good today. Except I had half a tablespoon of almond butter. Which I hate myself for. It's 100% almonds, the healthiest kind, but it's still fat. Anyway, mom's not gonna be home until 8, so I'll throw out the chicken dinner she made for me and instead have half an apple with cinnamon at 7.

Annd, thank-you Laura for the Blogger Addict Award!
What do I love? I love being in control, summer, fashion, weight-loss, and music.
What do I hate? I hate fat, annoying parents, when I get asked stupid questions, close-minded people, and slow internet.
Now I'd like to nominate lovelies: Laura, Alice, Zoie, Rachel, and Rachel!
Think thin!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Sunday Bloody Sunday

It's Sunday afternoon and my whole family is home. I absolutely hate it when they're all home because we usually eat meals together. Like, we had breakfast together this morning and it was absoute torture. Whenever we eat together, there is always some sort of discussion or argument that makes me feel uncomfortable, angry, and agitated. That's where my roots of 'feeling uncomfortable about eating' come from. Mom and stupid Dad want to make hamburgers for lunch. When I hear burgers, I think "Fat." So I'm just gonna do my mom the favour of picking up the shirt a friend left behind at a restaurant last night. That way, I don't have to be at home for fatty hamburgers. I'll stay out the rest of the day, if I can, to avoid the family. I'll tell my parents I'm with a friend. Then I'll go drop off the shirt. Excellent.I went out last night with a girl I used to hang out with at school, Brit. I never considered her a friend because I always try to avoid socializing (socializing=eating). But she considered me a friend, obviously, if she wanted to go out. [Wow, my eating disorder has made me forget how to be a friend...] Anyway, Brit is one of the few people I'm close with who DOES NOT know about my ED history. When I was with her, Ifelt like I could act completely normal because she treated me completely normal! She didn't treat me differently or all suspicious! It was so nice to feel normal! I'm so used to hiding and putting on an act. So I'm starting to realize that if I want to start making friends and being a friend, I should hang out more with people who know nothing about my ED history. I can't even describe how good I feel now that I know what I have to do to be normal again. I'm tired of putting on an act. I want to learn how to be normal again for university in September.

Friday, July 16, 2010

I'm Tired

It's 6 PM and I'm gonna leave the house for a couple of hours. I don't want to be home for my mom to make me eat a dinner. I've barely eaten today. Ate breakfast. 135 calories. Lunch. 80 cals. Coffee cake. A billion cals. Purged the cake and the lunch. I don't want to eat anymore. I did a bit of ballet. I'm really tired. I should never have promised my mom I'd make her a coffee cake.

I am not sure if I will be able to make my weekly goal of 101 lb because I got my stupid period today. So, because my body's extremely low on energy, it'll store whatever I eat, so I might as well eat the way I've been eating during this plateau. No need to change intake patterns. Damn, I feel sluggish. I promised my mom I'd go running with her tonight at 8 45, so...that's that. What a boring update. I'm so tired. And I feel bloated. Yuck.

Thinspo for the soul:
In the near future, I will be as tiny as the two girls in the two above pictures. I promise.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


I have been thinking about my weaknesses. Food weaknesses.
In particular, chocolate. As I put piece after piece of chocolate in my mouth, I think about how wonderful chocolate is and how everything is wonderful and how chocolate makes everything better. Soon, however, the feeling of fat appears in my stomach. Oh my GOD, I can feel myself getting fatter. I should stop. But it tastes sooo good. I should really stop. Okay, this is the last one. Holy shit that was good, maybe one more. Dammit. Must. Stop. Eating. Chocolate. I do stop before I go overboard.
Back to my topic of weaknesses. I am thinking that the only way to prevent me from indulging, unnecessarily, into things that are not healthy for me or are fattening is to not have them lying around. I'm just going to tell my mother to stop buying chocolate chips. If I want to make cookies, THEN I'll buy them. But don't keep buying them! I mean, she'll probably buy Toblerone bars instead, because she wants me to eat shit and gain weight, but I'll throw them away. My mom is so fucking annoying when it comes to my eating.
Weighed-in at 103.4 lb yesterday. What else is new. I hate this plateau. But I suppose it's better than gaining. I'm gonna cut down on my meat-intake. I'm also gonna up my veggie intake. I'm gonna do everything exactly the way I did the week that I lost 4.6 lb. My clothes are fitting nicely! My shorts and pants are loose! And my thighs are looking slimmer. There's still LOADS of work to do my thighs and hips, but progress is being made. Goal for this week: 100-101 lb by Friday 23?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I say, I can DO this. I can lose so much weight, if I want to. I am strong. I have the potential to be all bones. I can change myself. I want to be skinny, lovely, fat-free. I want to be stared at. I want to show that I am in control over myself. That I have complete power over myself and my emotions and human temptation.
I got to thinking last night. I wondered a great many things. One being, if this was all some sort of cry for attention. I have never thought about this. I hate attention. I hate it with a passion. I really wish people would leave me alone. But then, why the desire to be stared at? Why am I trying so hard to become so skinny that people ask, admire, stare, and possibly worry? It doesn't make any sense. But it's the only kind of sense I know: nonsense. My obsession with weight, weight-loss, calories, fat, being skinny, and beauty has distorted my way of thinking. My image of beauty is distorted. Am I crazy or is everyone else just naive? Haha, that was funny. I'm really a complete psycho.
I went for a swim today. Now I am kinda sore. And, despite my goggles, my eyes are burning a bit. But, maybe that's due to my contacts that need to be replaced...I felt so good after the swim. My abdominal muscles were showing and I could feel them so strong. I felt good about myself! So, today has been good. Except that I ate some chocolate and mascarpone cream/icing stuff. It wasn't a lot, but it's fat. Fat is fat. Fat is also ugly. Fat in my system makes me feel fat. Thus, it also makes me feel ugly. Whatever. Dreading weigh-in tomorrow. I shall make a weekly goal from there.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

What A Fat ASS!

Ew gross gross gross.
Binging. Yesterday and today. I don't even want to TALK about last night's binge+purge. Let's just say, it involved me driving around, running in and out of shops. At least I purged.
Today: Binge. Purge. Got tired. Binge again. Didn't purge on account of tiredness.
World Cup party at our house. Tons of food around. Still binging. Haven't stopped. Not planning on barfing again. I'm just too tired. Don't even WANT to eat anymore. I feel turned off. Full. Fat. Gross.
NO MORE of this getting up at 11 30. MY whole day ends up being wasted. I need more time to work out.
Anyway. I WAS going to talk about how I've been stuck at 103.6 lb for the LONGEST time. I might have plateaued. How annoying. But after today, I've probably gained a tad bit. Whatever. I can jump-start weight-loss tomorrow. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Bad Day

Today was a bad day because I lined up for 3 hours at a job fair to try for a job at the local bookstore. THREE HOURS! It was awful. Especially with all the lovely fashion stores and smell of pretzels around me. I was pretty irritated. Over 1000 people there...Probably another 1000 tomorrow. And only 40-50 get hired. Whatever. It was my first experience at a job interview.
I was SO stressed out and annoyed, that after the end of my FIVE MINUTE interview, I went and got a regular pretzel and 3 Mrs. Fields cookies. Ate them. Went to A&W. Got two mini sirloin burgers. Woofed them down. Went and purged everything. Fun, but not fun. Then, I met my mom who said (after I said I didn't feel like dinner) something like, "You're not REALLY anorexic yet, but you're SORTA getting anorexic." So, I was like, "Uh, no. You know nothing." Boy, I was getting more stressed out by the second. So I said, "Let's just go to Moxies for dinner." (That's the place I went on Tuesday night.) We went. I ate my favourite tandoori salmon salad. We ordered the sticky toffee pudding a la mode. I went and purged it plus some of the salad. I'm pro.

I haven't worked out in two days. I will tomorrow. I deserve a kick in the butt. Cardio with a bit of weight training. Tomorrow will be a lovely day, I promise. Stress-free. Fat-free. Skinny.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


My first day of ballet classes, ever, was last night. I loved it. The instructor has been dancing all her life, graduated from the National Ballet of Canada, and now works there. Since we're adult beginners, we aren't required to wear dance shoes; we're doing it barefoot. It was a pretty good toning session for my glutes and abs. Also, it REALLY improves your posture. You must stand tall, making your back as erect as you can with your shoulders down and back. Doing the different positions, I felt so graceful. If I end up liking it, I'll purchase dance shoes, and continue it! I'm so happy I found these classes.
Last night, my parents were pissed off that I only had 1/2 an apple and some cheese for "dinner," but I told them to leave me alone, it's FINE. I'm NOT about to let my parents and food ruin my happiness.

Ballet Thinspo!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Thinking Thin and Satisfying a Craving

I am absolutely in love with losing weight. I love feeling thinner. I love noticing the change in my body. I love my new energy. I love exercising and feeling better about myself. Confidence is a lovely thing to have. It feels good to be in the 103 lb range. This is where I was before March, when the binge eating started. But that phase is over, and I am a stronger person. I am smarter, I have goals, and I am in control.
Went to dinner last night for a friends 18th birthday. All the girls were ordering pizzas, tacos, quesadillas...I felt like I would look like a "calorie-girl" if I ordered the tandoori salmon salad (even though it's my fav thing there!). So I got pulled-pork sliders. Not too bad, 3 mini burgers. Then I was dumb and ordered dessert. Sticky toffee pudding a la mode. Dammit. Went to the washroom and purged most of everything.
Woke up this morning as thin as the days before. I did strength training today. I did some shoulder moves that are meant for guys. After, I realized that my shoulders are getting too broad with that move, so I'm gonna drop that move from my routine to avoid looking manly. After all, I'm going for a thin, delicate, feminine look.
I've discovered a good way to satisfy my chocolate/sugar craving: low-fat chocolate milk! It's so good. And just after a workout...Anyway, I'm craving junk less and less. It might have something to do with the increase in my hours of sleep.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Dreams of Pretty

After a weekend of too much eating, I am afraid to weigh myself. I'm just going to postpone weigh-in to Wednesday. I'm making a change. A change for the better. I cannot eat things that are unhealthy because that would be self-destructive. I don't feel any better after eating junk. In fact, I feel miserable after eating junk. So I need to try the hardest I can to avoid eating junk. I can make it clear to my family if I don't want to eat or if I don't want to eat refined carbs. They will not say anything. It's not like I don't eat AT ALL.
I will continuously eat minimally and exercise like crazy until I am less than 100 lb.
Until my arms are thin and bony. Until my thighs don't touch. Until my ribs stick out further than my stomach. Until I can lie down and get that stomach concavity, hip bones jutting out, like knives.
I must be tiny! I want to be light. I want to glide/float, not walk. I want pure bones, not fat. I am a fighter. I have potential. I can do this. We all can. We only need to try that much harder.
Stay strong and in control, loves.

Saturday, July 3, 2010


The party isn't over yet.
Let me just say this:
I am SO TIRED of eating!

I guess this makes me a failure. I'm probaby at least 104. Damn it all.
I'll deal with myself when I get home tomorrow evening. I deserve a whipping. But I'll settle for a long run.
I am so sad and homesick and fat and depressed right now.

I feel like I should tell my family about my desire to eat clean but I'm afraid they'll go all ape-shit on me. FML.

Friday, July 2, 2010


Ate close to nothing. After dinner my sister and cousins wanted to go to we went. Where I caved. But at least I had to sugar-free fat-free one, and I came back and purged it.
So tomorrow afternoon is my cousin's grad party for the teens. I can avoid eating because there are over 80 kids coming (she's so popular) and it's buffet. No one will tell me to eat. I'll avoid it. The evening is the adult party. Avoid eating again! I messed up with the Coldstone today, I really can't afford to slip up again. I CAN'T let myself be 104 lb on Monday.

Monday: I have to enroll in courses for university. Still not 100% sure what to take; I've got 3 out
Wednesday: First day of ballet! I'm excited to get toned and learn to be more graceful!
Friday: Vans Warped Tour! Cute boys + great music = Fun!
Saturday: drop off my resume for the job at the bookstore.

I just want my hips and highs to shrink. Then I'd have a fairly pretty body. I need to do more cardio. NEED. Running 3 times a week, swim at least once a week, stairmaster at home when all else fails.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


The thinner I get, the more "extreme" my thinspo gets. It's hard finding pictures of girls thinner than me as thinspiration. I have such high expectations! That's not necessarily a bad thing, but people say it will backfire on me.

Weigh-in this morning at 103.4 lb. Not bad seeing that I ate more meat than usual yesterday and grad night. It's Canada Day today, so I'm going to tell my parents I'm going out for dinner than watch fireworks. Haha. No dinner for ME tonight. AND this weekend I'm going for my cousin's grad party in Cleveland with my dad and sister. No mother to make sure I eat! Yes, it's going to be a weekend of becoming thinner.
I was thinking about the grad after-party. Normally, in a social situation where everyone is having a good time and I'm known as the quiet one, I would get depressed out of my mind. I'd have left the party. But I wasn't depressed at this party. When a bunch of us were outside smoking and talking, it hit me and I thought, 'why aren't I depressed?' Then I thought, 'No, do not think about your sadness. Concentrate on having fun.' I'm not sure why I was able to forget about my sadness. Maybe it was because of the alcohol I had. I was so loose because of it! In any case, maybe it's a sign that I DO have the power to overcome my sadness or maybe it's a sign that in the future I might turn to alcohol...
Later, loves!