Yes. That's right. I am a pig. Oh my God. Really. It disgusts me. I disgust me. Oh GROSS. WHOTHEHELLSPENDS4DAYSBINGING? I've had enough of this. Enough of this bullshit. Junk food in my house is decreasing, but there will always be bread. There's no avoiding it. Basically, I've been
slathering olive butter on 12-grain bread for 4 days. Excess carbohydrates leads to fat production. And I just ate 5 cookies. More bad carbs and fat. Oh GROSS. This has happened before. I need to put an end to this constant binging before I go insane, the way I did March-June. Constant binging, not exercising, and neglecting my health caused me to go into a wretched state of depression and self-hatred. Plus none of my clothes fit. I
promised myself I would never let that happen again. I do not have a separate life from ana. My ability to control my body connects to my ability to do everything else. Tomorrow, I start over. I miss seeing my rib cage. I miss my flat stomach.
I overheard my mother telling someone that I'm going into Life Sciences. It's a
lie. I'm going into Psychology. She obviously is embarrassed to tell people that. It is the presitgious thing in our culture to go into the life sciences and become a doctor. My mother is very concerned with how people see us. Goddam, it makes me so mad that she is telling people I'm going into Life Sciences. I'M ashamed of HER. She gets on my nerves. And the other day I was wearing track pants that CLEARLY made my thighs look huge, she was like, "You've gotten soo thin and bony, it's not nice." I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up, if anything, I've GAINED in the past few days. I never reply when my parents make comments like this. I know perfectly well that I don't
look any different, they are just trying to get me to eat OR get me to think it.
Okay, well...tomorrow: No fat. One or two servings of carbs. One serving of dairy. Rest fruits and veggies. Exercise for AT LEAST an hour.
I overheard my mother telling someone that I'm going into Life Sciences. It's a lie. I'm going into Psychology. She obviously is embarrassed to tell people that. It is the presitgious thing in our culture to go into the life sciences and become a doctor. My mother is very concerned with how people see us. Goddam, it makes me so mad that she is telling people I'm going into Life Sciences. I'M ashamed of HER. She gets on my nerves. And the other day I was wearing track pants that CLEARLY made my thighs look huge, she was like, "You've gotten soo thin and bony, it's not nice." I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up, if anything, I've GAINED in the past few days. I never reply when my parents make comments like this. I know perfectly well that I don't look any different, they are just trying to get me to eat OR get me to think it.
Okay, well...tomorrow: No fat. One or two servings of carbs. One serving of dairy. Rest fruits and veggies. Exercise for AT LEAST an hour.
ive been doing bad too. like a binge used to be eat tons of shit for like 5 minutes then purge. but now it tends to last whole days at a time. ggahhh.
ReplyDeletedont worry, we can do this! tomorrow is a new day! its a new start!
you can be strong.
We have bad patches, but the most important thing is that we come back from them strong. Don't worry about what your mother is thinking, her opinion doesn't even matter. You'll do great tomorrow!
ReplyDeletexo Chloe
You got this hun!! I just got had a 2 day graham cracker/peanut butter binge :S Just keep on going and you will get back on track!
ReplyDeleteToday is a new day!
I am sorry about your mom, that is really difficuly. i cant imagine what it feels like im really sorry. *hugs* we are here for you!
hope you have a successful day:)
xxo.
Rach