I say, I can DO this. I can lose so much weight, if I want to. I am strong. I have the potential to be all bones. I can
change myself. I want to be skinny, lovely, fat-free. I want to be stared at. I want to show that I am in control over myself. That I have complete power over myself and my emotions and human temptation.
I got to thinking last night. I wondered a great many things. One being, if this was all some sort of cry for attention. I have never thought about this. I hate attention. I hate it with a passion. I really wish people would leave me alone. But then, why the desire to be stared at? Why am I trying so hard to become so skinny that people ask, admire, stare, and possibly worry? It doesn't make any sense. But it's the only kind of sense I know:
nonsense. My obsession with weight, weight-loss, calories, fat, being skinny, and beauty has distorted my way of thinking. My image of beauty is distorted. Am I crazy or is everyone else just naive? Haha, that was funny. I'm really a complete psycho.
I went for a swim today. Now I am kinda sore. And, despite my goggles, my eyes are burning a bit. But, maybe that's due to my contacts that need to be replaced...I felt so good after the swim. My abdominal muscles were showing and I could feel them so strong. I felt good about myself! So, today has been good. Except that I ate some chocolate and mascarpone cream/icing stuff. It wasn't a lot, but it's fat. Fat is fat. Fat is also ugly. Fat in my system makes me feel fat. Thus, it also makes me feel ugly. Whatever. Dreading weigh-in tomorrow. I shall make a weekly goal from there.
I got to thinking last night. I wondered a great many things. One being, if this was all some sort of cry for attention. I have never thought about this. I hate attention. I hate it with a passion. I really wish people would leave me alone. But then, why the desire to be stared at? Why am I trying so hard to become so skinny that people ask, admire, stare, and possibly worry? It doesn't make any sense. But it's the only kind of sense I know: nonsense. My obsession with weight, weight-loss, calories, fat, being skinny, and beauty has distorted my way of thinking. My image of beauty is distorted. Am I crazy or is everyone else just naive? Haha, that was funny. I'm really a complete psycho.
I went for a swim today. Now I am kinda sore. And, despite my goggles, my eyes are burning a bit. But, maybe that's due to my contacts that need to be replaced...I felt so good after the swim. My abdominal muscles were showing and I could feel them so strong. I felt good about myself! So, today has been good. Except that I ate some chocolate and mascarpone cream/icing stuff. It wasn't a lot, but it's fat. Fat is fat. Fat is also ugly. Fat in my system makes me feel fat. Thus, it also makes me feel ugly. Whatever. Dreading weigh-in tomorrow. I shall make a weekly goal from there.
If you're crazy, I'm crazy too. I think we're all a little crazy. I hate attention too, and yet I want people to notice how thin I am when I walk past. We're kind of subconsciously hypocritical like that, huh? It's all so...well, fucked up.
ReplyDeletejust a few weeks ago i remember crying about how all i wanted was for people to pay less attention to me. as i read your post i realized tht if i begin to lose more and more. im going to become more of a focal point. thts sorta ironic. i kno ive said this before, but alice you really are an inspiration to me. i see wht you can do and i kno tht i too can accomplish those goals if i try. keep being strong. ♥
ReplyDeleteCheers to strong stomacge muscles:) Thats always so good when you can feel your body toned and slimer. You will get what you want, just keep hanging in there.
ReplyDeletexxo.
Rach<3