The Scheme

I'm really sick. Like, sick in the head. Ana and Mia are raging inside me. I'm not usually like this. Usually me and Ana are frolicking around weightlessly and powerful. But currently there is a war. I'm fighting, believe me. I cannot bear this mental pain, but I have to fight, I'm a fighter. I am very sick. It doesn't help that I'm tired, as well. I need to sleep. Maybe then, this fighting will stop and me and Ana can live in peace.

I'm scared of the treadmill, now. What if I slip and fall again? I suppose I'll just use the indoor track for a while, until I feel safe again. Sorry for this lousy tone...I'll be okay. At least, I hope so. Wait, NO! I KNOW so! I WILL be okay! I can WIN this! I'm not afraid of hunger, or the pain, or the fight! Goddam, this is going to be so hard, but I'll make it. I'll make it. I'm cutting out bread and rice and refined carbs, after breakfast, completely starting tomorrow. That's Plan A. I'll get at least 8 hours of sleep EVERY night. I'm only allowed 90 minutes of casual Internet surfing daily. The Scheme To Eat No More is starting now. NOT tomorrow. NOW.

Epic Fail

Well then.

Uh.

On account of the fact that I have been acting like an extreme fat-ass today (don't wanna talk about it), tomorrow calls for some drastic measures:

-Minimal breakfast.

-Stairmaster. Strength training. Abs. Calisthenics. Don't stop until at least an hour has passed.

-Read for 2 hours, at least. Start re-reading Wasted, for extra motivation.

-Go to mall, for 2 hours, and pick up backpack for uni.

-Lunch and dinner should comprise of fruits and/or vegetables. No meat tomorrow. No fat tomorrow.

That's that. My body is just so full of fat right now, it has no idea what to do with it all. I can feel it. My stomach is panging, deadly pangs. My heart is beating so fast. My poor body has no idea how to deal with all this fatty food. Oh, I am so sorry. I don't know why I self-destruct like this...It won't happen again...I want to be pretty. And oh, my GOD, 8 more days until orientation activities...! I really wanted to be super-thin, like BMI of less than 17, by then...

I can't wait to start university, so I can focus on something else and not have time or desire to eat.

Crush

Last night, after realizing that the boy in the band will probably never like me, I decided that I need to do several things. I need to stop Facebook stalking, stop listening to his CD, and stop eating. I need to lose a shitload of weight. I need to feel a happiness again. My own sort of happiness, my own reality. Weight-loss will make me feel better. I can't believe I was developing a legitimate crush on this boy. It hurt really bad when I figured out (using Facebook) that he is getting close with another girl. I totally forgot what it feels like to have a crush. Anyway, so I'm gonna move on and lose a lot of weight by not eating unnecessarily.

I'm really tired of my "eating-it-because-it's-there" bullshit. Just because there is chocolate, bread, and almond butter around doesn't mean that I have to eat it! From now on, fruits and veggies will satisfy hunger. I'm sick of fat, especially. I think I'm going to stop eating meat. It's unnecessary fat. I'll only eat it when my parents are around so they won't bitch. Okay, so I'm gonna try to stay positive today! I'll be patient and await results. I think keeping a positive attitude will help me stay strong.

What A Drag

I have been thinking a lot about the things I wrote about in my previous post. I've been thinking hard. I've been trying to set my mind straight. Food is unnecessary! Food is unnecessary! I'm working on this...Today, I was driving and some man didn't brake in time and slammed into my bumper. I was happily on my way to ballet. Needless to say, I missed ballet. And I am extremely sad that this happened to me.

While I was walking today (in and out of the university workshop, to and from my car at the scene of the accident, and to and from my car at the police station) I was more aware than ever of my thunder thighs. They were just thundering around. I was so embarrassed of them as I walked. It was disgusting to feel my thighs thundering around like that. I'm not going to be wearing my short shorts for a while. I don't want to eat. I don't want to be so bored that I feel like eating. That's just stupid. So, tomorrow, I'm going to read and read East of Eden. I need to finish it before September. I'll just stay in my room all day and read and drink water to avoid eating. My parents won't bother me because of my accident, hopefully. I'm making a list of goals. The first goal is to eliminate the sources of fat in my diet. Those are: almond butter, chicken, beef, and olive butter.

The main thing is to realize that I DO NOT need to eat "that." I just don't. So, walk away. Don't be an idiot. I'll be back on track tomorrow. I need to get this right. I need to be 101 lb or less by September 1. I don't know what I am now, but I'm probably still 106. Gross. Anyway. I'm not feeling to optimistic these days. I need to get over that guy. The one in the band. It's not healthy.

Food is Annoying

I've had enough of food for a while. I mean, in all honesty, for the past few days I have not felt like eating. But I HAVE eaten. I've eaten out of sheer fucking boredom. Last night, my mom asked me a hundred times if and where I wanted to go out for dinner. I did not feel like eating. I moaned and went on like, "Noooo, please, I'm not hungry....I don't want anything heavy..." But, of course, we went for pizza. A funny thing happened. Pay attention to this story. The two of us split a very small thin crust pizza. Mom ordered wings. Mom ate the wings being the overweight woman she is and left a quarter of her half of the pizza. She said she was full, but I know my mother and I didn't believe it. I ate my half of the pizza, no wings. I asked mom why she left that tiny slice. This is what she says: "Because I know you'll eat it." Jesus Christ. I was furious. My heart beat started beating faster and faster, like it does when I get angry. I said, "NO I'm NOT going to eat THAT. WHY would I eat it? Why? I don't even want it!!" This proves that my mother notices my "binges," how I give in to food when it's around. Needless to say, I didn't touch the pizza. I was very angry with my mother and myself for the rest of the night. First of all, I should have never invited my mother to come see a movie with me. Now I know. Unless I want to be as fat as her when I'm older. I felt so fat all night. I sat there watching Inception and I could feel the swell of my tummy, the fat on my thighs...My heart was racing with my increasing anger. I'm tired of being and feeling fat. Seriously.
So, from now on, I'll only eat when I genuinely feel like it. Genuinely. No more fat. No more entering the kitchen for no reason. Stay in room and read or exercise.

No more almond butter for ME.

FML, I just ODed on almond butter and chocolate. That's 95 calories with 8 grams of fat for the almond butter. And 70 calories with 5 grams of fat for the chocolate. Shit. I know it doesn't sound so bad, but it IS bad for someone like me who eats less than 200 calories throughout the day! My body will store all the fat and carbs it can! Well, I'm going for ballet tonight, and right after I'll go for an interval run. Gotta burn that shit off, gotta burn it off. I CANNOT GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT, I'M SICK OF THIS PLATEAU. I'm gonna keep the empty almond butter jar in the pantry because my mom won't buy it if she thinks we still have a whole jar. No more slip-ups. No more greedy mouth. I am strong.
I can have half an apple and then no more food for today. I mean it, Alisha! Go to bed hungry, you deserve it. Remember: tomorrow's a new day. Don't you want to be in the 102 lb range for Friday? Yes, I do! Don't you want a BMI of less than effing 17.65? Yes! Okay, now that we've establised that, we can move on to a new life of no more fat. Excellent. I love you, ana. I know you do.

(Non)sense

I say, I can DO this. I can lose so much weight, if I want to. I am strong. I have the potential to be all bones. I can change myself. I want to be skinny, lovely, fat-free. I want to be stared at. I want to show that I am in control over myself. That I have complete power over myself and my emotions and human temptation.
I got to thinking last night. I wondered a great many things. One being, if this was all some sort of cry for attention. I have never thought about this. I hate attention. I hate it with a passion. I really wish people would leave me alone. But then, why the desire to be stared at? Why am I trying so hard to become so skinny that people ask, admire, stare, and possibly worry? It doesn't make any sense. But it's the only kind of sense I know: nonsense. My obsession with weight, weight-loss, calories, fat, being skinny, and beauty has distorted my way of thinking. My image of beauty is distorted. Am I crazy or is everyone else just naive? Haha, that was funny. I'm really a complete psycho.
I went for a swim today. Now I am kinda sore. And, despite my goggles, my eyes are burning a bit. But, maybe that's due to my contacts that need to be replaced...I felt so good after the swim. My abdominal muscles were showing and I could feel them so strong. I felt good about myself! So, today has been good. Except that I ate some chocolate and mascarpone cream/icing stuff. It wasn't a lot, but it's fat. Fat is fat. Fat is also ugly. Fat in my system makes me feel fat. Thus, it also makes me feel ugly. Whatever. Dreading weigh-in tomorrow. I shall make a weekly goal from there.

What A Fat ASS!

Ew gross gross gross.
Binging. Yesterday and today. I don't even want to TALK about last night's binge+purge. Let's just say, it involved me driving around, running in and out of shops. At least I purged.
Today: Binge. Purge. Got tired. Binge again. Didn't purge on account of tiredness.
World Cup party at our house. Tons of food around. Still binging. Haven't stopped. Not planning on barfing again. I'm just too tired. Don't even WANT to eat anymore. I feel turned off. Full. Fat. Gross.
WILL MAKE UP FOR THIS TOMORROW.
NO MORE of this getting up at 11 30. MY whole day ends up being wasted. I need more time to work out.
Anyway. I WAS going to talk about how I've been stuck at 103.6 lb for the LONGEST time. I might have plateaued. How annoying. But after today, I've probably gained a tad bit. Whatever. I can jump-start weight-loss tomorrow. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Fail

The party isn't over yet.
Let me just say this:
I am SO TIRED of eating!

Ewwww.
I guess this makes me a failure. I'm probaby at least 104. Damn it all.
I'll deal with myself when I get home tomorrow evening. I deserve a whipping. But I'll settle for a long run.
I am so sad and homesick and fat and depressed right now.

I feel like I should tell my family about my desire to eat clean but I'm afraid they'll go all ape-shit on me. FML.