The Scheme

I'm really sick. Like, sick in the head. Ana and Mia are raging inside me. I'm not usually like this. Usually me and Ana are frolicking around weightlessly and powerful. But currently there is a war. I'm fighting, believe me. I cannot bear this mental pain, but I have to fight, I'm a fighter. I am very sick. It doesn't help that I'm tired, as well. I need to sleep. Maybe then, this fighting will stop and me and Ana can live in peace.

I'm scared of the treadmill, now. What if I slip and fall again? I suppose I'll just use the indoor track for a while, until I feel safe again. Sorry for this lousy tone...I'll be okay. At least, I hope so. Wait, NO! I KNOW so! I WILL be okay! I can WIN this! I'm not afraid of hunger, or the pain, or the fight! Goddam, this is going to be so hard, but I'll make it. I'll make it. I'm cutting out bread and rice and refined carbs, after breakfast, completely starting tomorrow. That's Plan A. I'll get at least 8 hours of sleep EVERY night. I'm only allowed 90 minutes of casual Internet surfing daily. The Scheme To Eat No More is starting now. NOT tomorrow. NOW.

A sad sad morning

I have not woken up this sad in a long time. I mean, I can see that I've lost weight. I looked in the mirror this morning and was a bit happy with how much thinner I look. But still, I was sad. I feel like a failure.
I have to memorize a 5 minute French speech for Tuesday. I have to START my final exam English presentation and essay. I have to catch up on a month of chemistry. I swear, I might get away with barely an 80% in chemistry if I don't get it together now. I'm slacking off in everything.

I don't think I'll be having any fun or any happiness until the end of this school year. I'm too stressed and sad all the time. I don't even workout as much as I used to. My body is so sore right now. I'm not sure if it's because I didn't stretch after my swim on Friday or because I'm on my period. In any case, my chest, shoulders, and back are SO SO sore! I can't sleep because of this and so I'm tired and all I want to do is sleep, but how can I sleep with all this school work to worry about and do!?

Christ, I cannot wait until all this is over. I cannot wait for summer vacation.

Yuck

Ew, binged today for the first time in a long time.
Toblerone bar, cheese, donut holes, popcorn, Nutella+bread, pizza...
Gross.
That's a lot.
A lot of SHIT!

Well, it's one day. Tormorrow will be back to routine.
Eat clean and minimally. Work out.
I'm on my way to 93 lb.

Think thin. Think beautiful.