Thursday, September 30, 2010

New Month!

Hey! It's going to be October for me in 5 minutes! I'm feeling pretty optimistic. So here we go.

The goal I'm making for this month is to not eat after 8 pm. That's the goal. No eating after 8 pm. Had to repeat it. No eating after 8 pm. Just in case you missed it the first two times.

So it's going to be October really soon and I really want to do well, shed this excess skin, get skinn-nayyy...I really feel like this is something I can do, 93 lb is something I can be.

Here we go...Make everyday count!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Bleeeeech. I am sore from an hour of Pilates AND period pains. Ugh. What a drag. Anyway, my plan worked! I had my starches early in the day, coffee in the afternoon, 2 hourly snacks, and didn't end up bingeing! I was fine! I did not think about food or bingeing once the entire day. I didn't crave food once. I didn't even feel like binging when I got home. I ended up eating a big dinner with my parents, but at least I didn't binge on junk. I am happy to have figured out a system that will work. Tomorrow I'll be at school until around almost midnight, so we shall see how well I do. I'm going to spend over an hour at the gym, as well, tomorrow.
It was really painful to see my bloated self in the mirror this afternoon. I was wearing an outfit that I wore last week. When I wore it last, I looked thin and pretty and classy. When I wore it today, I looked terrible. I looked bloated, messy, awkward, stumpy, and a fucking tea pot. I saw it in the mirror, it doesn't lie. I still need to get it into my head that I don't NEED food when I only want it. I need to get that permanently etched into my mind. So next time (I guarantee it'll be nighttime) I feel like eating unnecessarily, I just need to remind myself that I don't need food and that eating won't help me get any skinnier. HAHA, it's just so logical; don't eat=get skinny.
Tomorrow: 7 AM fruit muesli w/yogurt (150), 11 AM ww bread w/jam (120), 12 PM apple(45), 2 30 PM yogurt (35), 4 PM coffee, 7 PM ww bread/light gouda cheese (120), DONE.
Stay strong, lovelies!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Oh, shit. I just binged.
Gross. Like, I don't even wanna get into it.
I'm fat, bloated, constipated, ugh, and my tummy is sticking out like a sore thumb.
But here's the silver lining: It only takes 3-4 days for me to start looking thin and lovely again.
So, if I start over tomorrow, eating clean, working out like crazy, avoiding food and fat, I'll be back where I should be by Sunday.

I am noticing a pattern: I tend to binge late at night when I get home. On ww bread with olive butter. AT NIGHT. Why? I think it might have something to do with me not having enough energy during the day. Like, at around 2 oclock I start feeling sluggish and tired. And all I think about during that time, is food. Eating food. Fooooooood! So, to avoid that, I'm gonna start eating a slice of ww bread as a morning snack so I have the energy for the rest of the day, then eliminate starches/meat after 5 PM. I'll go to Starbucks around 2, and get a strong coffee to keep me alert and focused on my goals.
It's actually not even funny how fat I am at this current time. I won't mess up tomorrow.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Yes, Your Highness

On account of I want to hurry up and become a pin-thin 93 lb angel, I am going to ignore hunger from now on. I'm only going to eat when it's a time that I've said that I can eat. Eating will be planned, exercise will be scheduled. Studying will not be put off. I will be in control. Everyone will be jealous, everyone will stare in envy. I will be superior. Queen Alisha. Your maaaaajesty. No one will get in my way. No fat will cross these lips. I will shed this excess skin.
I am going to be everything I wanted to be this year.
I am going. To have. It all.
I play to win.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Plan A

I am a complete fuck up.
Tomorrow is the start of a new week.
A new plan.
I need to get over my fear of hunger.
Starvation is part of the process.
I have been building up my running endurance, I can build up my hunger endurance.
Tomorrow: no fat, no more than 500 calories, no snacking. Repeat daily.
Meal plan: fruit muesli (150cals), ww bread+cheese (110), yogurt(35), apple(50).
Allowed: Light Mocha Frap from Starbucks, other fruits and veggies.
Don't mess up. Please.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I am capable of accomplishing something.
I need to know that I have ultimate control over my own life.
I need this, more than you can imagine.
I am going insane.


I didn't want to drive 25 minutes to UTM to use the gym after a minor binge, so I went to the community centre and redeemed one of my free passes. I spent over an hour at the gym. I ran for 20 minutes non-stop, which is huge for me. I'm used to doing short intervals. The longest I've done is 8 minutes running. But I'm trying to build up endurance. I'm proud of myself! So the binge: chocolate, almond butter, slice of ww bread, butter and ww spaghetti w/sauce. Ugh. I purged the spaghetti, and knew that I had to work everything else off. Which led me to the gym. On a fucking Saturday. I was supposed to go out with friends for a BBQ tonight, but I cancelled on account of my fear of food/eating. On the plus side, my parents still think I'm going out, so they won't make me go out for dinner with them. And I can study all night. I am really behind...
It is absolutely necessary that I lose more weight. I need to get below 100 lb. Then I know that I'll be really pretty. I hate how sometimes I feel real thin, but then I'll randomly feel my arms and notice how much excess skin there is. It depresses me and reminds me of how much work I have to do. I'm noticing progress, though, since I started school. My hip bones are prominent. I HAVE LOST HIP FAT, AKA my lovehandles! There's only a little more fat on my hips that will go very shortly if I keep up my cardio. Then the fat will go from my thunder thighs. I don't care if my boobs resort to an 11 year-old's. Currently, I'm as chesty as a pre-teen girl. I think small breasts make you look more dainty/elegant anyway. *sigh* I can see it now. Me, 93 lb, thin delicate arms, bony shoulders, hip bones like knives, long slender legs...
It is absolutely necessary that I lose more weight.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I Need a Break.

Bleehhh, I'm constipated. Not even sure why. Today was quite a good day. I barely ate. I spent 90 minutes at the gym! Doing hardcore working out! I was sweating all over the place. It was actually gross. A friend was trying to teach me clap push-ups. One day, I will succeed...Working out with a friend in a public gym is so much funner. I am in love with the way that the people I have been hanging out with have no idea of my ED history. I can blabber on about eating chocolate all day without them thinking "Ya right..." I can look at nutrition info on packages without them watching knowingly. I can constantly talk about constantly going to the gym without them thinking that I want to lose weight. I can be NORMAL. !!! It's nice.
All in all, today was a very good day. I didn't come home for dinner. I spend all day studying at the library. I came come at 11 pm. On my drive home, I was kinda hungry, so I went to a Tim Horton's drive-thru, and got a 12-grain bagel with butter. I ate it. 300 calories of carbs at 10 30 at night. Oh well. All that fibre's probably what's constipating me...I'm not gonna think too much about the bagel. I'm looking quite toned and fit these days. Once I go to the bathroom, I'll be fine. I don't want to abuse laxatives, I learned in Bio they can eventually inhibit your ability to naturally poop. Anyway. I'm going nuts with the whole diet thing. I was craving spaghetti this evening. I mentioned it to my friends and now we're going to go for Italian tomorrow night and see Easy A. Well then. I can just purge, right? Right.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


Today's been a good day. Haven't eaten much and spent 2 hours at the gym. The gym was very busy at 1 in the afternoon...I don't know what was wrong with me today, but at the gym I kept stumbling and tripping all over the place. I stumbled while running/walking on the treadmill about 5 times...There was a cute guy on the treadmill beside me...I stumbled getting off the machine. I stumbled going up the stairs to the indoor track. Ugh, it was so stupid. I didn't want to look like a clumsy ditz, so I made out like I was really weak. I'd rather look like a fragile anorexic than a klutz. The cutie looked at me a couple of times while we were both using different machines. I don't know what was wrong with my legs. I've been working out too much I think...But the results will be worth it!
I was going to stay at school and study, but I got really sweaty and smelly at the gym and today's the day I have to wash my hair, and I didn't want to shower at school, study, then come home and wash my hair. So I decided to go home and the entire drive home, I was repeating in my head, 'I'm going to go home and not eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat...' Being at home and having access to a kitchen just compels me to eat, so I had to remind myself. I have succeeded! I'm just gonna have a small dinner of carrots and some chicken, then studying all night. I'm sick of this 103 lb plateau. I'm gonna get over it. I give myself a week. End of story. It's going to happen.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A Sudden Urge

I'm sitting in the library studying Economics and
I just had a strange urge to forget about all this crap and just be normal.
You know...go out...actually eat something...
It was a very strange fleeting kind of urge.
My heart actually skipped a beat.
AS IF I could ever do that...

Monday, September 20, 2010

Get a Grip

I'm so sore. Especially my glutes. Every time I sit know. I didn't work out for exactly 2 hours, but I burned a lot today. Walking around campus carrying 20 lb worth of crap counts, too. I attempted a yoga class, but 15 minutes into it, I thought it was the stupidest most boring shit ever. So I left and used a rowing machine for 8 minutes. Probably burned around 500 cals today. I just had some chocolate and bread, but I purged it. In any case, I need to spend another hour at the gym tomorrow. I wanna be 101 lb. Wahh.
I ate the usual amount of "nothing" today and spent the afternoon studying in the library. I left the library at 8 pm and started driving home. Then, HOLY FUCKING HELL, while I'm driving I see a fucking spider on the dashboard. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. I am arachnophobic. Not good while driving. I start panicking like mad, then at a red light I put the car in Park, reached in the back, grabbed my 10 lb Bio book, and started aiming at the spider. I was still panicking. Light turns green so I drive and holy shit the spider is moving fast and I'm panicking panicking, must. stop. car. cannot. drive. going. to crash. KILL SPIDER SOME HOW. IT'S GOING TO GET ME. Then I smashed my book into the spider, the book falls on me, I scream, I make a left, throw the book off me, drive into a housing development, pulled over and got the fuck out of the car, hyperventilating. Basically, couldn't get back in the car and drive home, I just couldn't do it. So I called my mom to come get me. I drove her car back while she drove mine. I didn't realize how bad my phobia is until tonight...
I have a lot of work to do...Read 4 Bio chapters for tomorrow, 3 Economics chapters, go over some French stories, lose 2 lb this week, practice some calculus, read 2 Psychology chapters this week...
ps. omg 100th post!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I am fully prepared to wake up 5 pounds heavier tomorrow.

I will fix this.
I promise.
At least 2 hours at the gym tomorrow.
I am going to burn AT LEAST 1000 calories tomorrow, following the example of the lovely Goal_Thin.

I am going to fix this.
This will not happen again.

It's a Crazy Life

Despite the fact that I binged on Friday night, I woke up the next morning to be 103.8 lb. Still in the 103s, haven't gained. I guess it's because it was okra that I binged on. My mom cooked a lot of okra Indian style and oohhh my God, it is so tasty! But at least I haven't gained. Yesterday, I went to see a screening at the Toronto International Film Festival for a friend's 18th birthday. I didn't eat much. BUT: I was so fucking starving at 6:15 during the movie, I had a major headache and thought I was going to die. So I bought some chocolate covered almonds. I probably had 400 calories worth. I believe that's all fat, too. But I HAD to. I was going crazy. I'm not gonna think too much about it. That's the only bad thing I've had in a while. This morning I made my sister crepes and accidentally shoved 2, with nutella, in my mouth. 100 calories of refined carbs. Ugh. I'm gonna do some crazy circuit training after this entry.
There are never really any binge foods in my house anymore. Every time I go to the kitchen, looking for something, I find nothing. I've convinced my mother that buying junk is unnecessary because I don't eat it. So if I DO end up eating unnecessarily, it's healthy stuff like whole grains and fruit. Oh, and if you're looking to satisfy major sugar cravings, buy dates. You'll see. 1 or 2 will do the trick. I'm becoming a strong human being. In control. All I need to do now is focus more on school and I'll be set for life. Here's to getting thinner and gaining control.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

To Have Will Power

Girls, I'm really skinny. It's thrilling me. I haven't lost any weight, I'm still at 103 lb, but I think it's because I've built up some muscle. I just feel so thin all the time; the way my jeans are too lose ( I should really start wearing a belt), the way I look like I have no boobs, the definition of my thin arms...I was at the gym for over an hour today. Then I went to Pink and got a 32 oz water bottle and two shirts for working out. When I came home at 4, my mom asked, "Are you gonna have diner with your sister now?" I replied, "Uh, NO." But still, I didn't leave the kitchen. For some reason, I couldn't leave. I wanted food. So I started eating some light cheese, then my mother says, "Alisha, just have dinner!" So I put some beef and rice in my plate and told my mother to make me corn. Mom looked in my plate and said, "Oh, are you eating for Joey or Todd?" Joey and Todd are our two canaries. I said, "Haha, this is the healthy way of eating: half the plate is for veggies!" When my mom went to the washroom, I dumped the beef and rice and only ate the corn. Will power is a beautiful thing.
I have a class from 8pm-9 tonight...inconvenient, but whatev. I think if I can get to 101 lb by Saturday, I'll bake something delicious. I haven't baked in so long for fear that I'll eat it. If I bake, I'll share it with my family, and allow a small portion for myself. I might deserve it. But ONLY if I make it to 101. Fuck, I just remembered I have a shitload of Economics to read and do an online quiz tonight. I sorta hate that class but only because I don't understand it. Once I get on the right track, I think I'll be okay...As for now, I can continue shrinking! To all my followers, thank you for your support and all your lovely comments! It's motivation enough! xo

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Shrinking. Bones. Sleep.

Currently in the library, feeling like shit. I can't concentrate on Biology. I can't even type...About an hour ago, I was feeling really faint and I couldn't read anything. So I went to Starbucks and had a Light Mocha Frappachino. Just for the sugar. At least I can read, now. So that's that. And all day I walked around campus feeling like the littlest girl in the world. Literally. It's strange to sit next to a boy, who's really tall and built and you've seen him at the gym, and I'm this little tiny twig. I felt like he felt like he was gonna crush me if he slipped. Strange. I'm sore from Pilates. I'm sore from carrying around a huge bag of books all day. These are good things. But I just can't concentrate. All I can think about is shrinking. Bones. Sleep...
That's it. Shrinking. Bones. And sleep. That's all I can think about. Tonight I have to read 35 tiny-print pages of Biology and 70 pages of fucking Economics. I have to do that tonight. If I finish, I can practice some Calculus, do some pushups, speak some French, and practice ballet. No more Internet tonight! Tomorrow, I'm going to the gym for 90 minutes: cardio and machines. I'm doing exercise everyday....! I'm eating close to nothing everyday...! Shrinking. Bones. Sleep..?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Bones, Bones, Bones!

I don't think my weight will be lower tomorrow morning, because when I came home from school today, I binged and purged. Yuck. It was a good day. Then I went to Economics. I don't really understand that class. So almost the entire lecture, I didn't take any notes because I figure, 'I don't understand what the fuck is going on so I shouldn't really write if I don't know what I'm writing, I can get help later.' 90 minutes into the lecture, I see the prof looking directly at me. He says to the whole hall, "Upper year students will tell you this: your notes in class will account for 90% of your mark." I freeze, and pretend to write crap down. He was obviously talking to ME, in a hall of 380 students...I felt like shit. And I was starving. I was feeling thin and lovely, but still starving. And all I could think about was food. I looked down at my paper and saw that I had drawn a stupid pretzel! That's how hungry I was! I planned out a binge: 1 soft pretzel and 6 Mrs. Fields cookies. So after the lecture I went to the mall and headed to the photography store to drop off a roll of film. I had such a nice conversation with the people there, that I didn't feel like binging anymore! When I got home, however, I saw the bread and wolfed down two slices with olive oil and chocolate. Then purged. All better.
I had my first recital ballet class today. It's teen ballet, so I'm the oldest, tallest...But I am also the skinniest. I am the boniest. I could feel my collar bones jutting out, my arms dangling like twigs, the skin stretched over my chest and ribs...I also have the tiniest boobs. One little 13-year old girl has a bigger chest than me! I felt a tad awkward. But nonetheless, I felt thin. It's nice to feel thin, then look in the mirror and see it, too. Here's what I basically eat: breakfast-natural muesli+raspberries+nonfat yogurt (125 cals), apple (50 cals), ww bread slice(85), light cheese (45), nonfat yogurt (35), celery/carrots (15). Breakfast is my only real meal, everything else is spaced throughout the day. If I eat more, it's purged most likely. I just need to build up my strength to avoid the "binging" in order to get down to 93 lb. I SWEAR, girls, it's HAPPENING this time.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Eating is SUCH a Waste of Time

OHH, my GOD. I am so fucking sick of eating. I haven't really BEEN eating a lot, but that's not the point. I wish I could eat on my own time, whenever I want. Like, tonight, dinner's with my family, and honestly, I am tired of eating. I have other things to do. LEGIT. It makes me really angry that I have to waste my time eating a meal with my stupid family. I don't want to eat anything tonight. I started eating an apple 15 minutes ago and I've eaten half of it, but the entire time, I was sighing and wondering why the fuck I even started eating it in the first place, I don't even feel like eating! Ugh, I'm so pissed right now. I HATE family dinners. They are starting to be a real inconvenience and a strain on my life.
I don't think I'm going to come home for dinners anymore. I'll just tell my parents I'll eat with friends, but spend the rest of the night studying in the library. I hate it here...I can't even concentrate...And the boy I met on Friday keeps texting me...I wish he would call. If he keeps this up, I'm going to lose interest. I want to TALK, MEET...Anyway, if he doesn't call or make any indication of wanting to talk in person and only texts in the next 3 days, I'm going to forget about it. Meeting him was just a confidence booster, now I know what I can do to meet other hot guys. On a different note, I can notice the difference in my body. my hips are shrinking and my arms are thinner and more toned. I'm loving this. I was so tired when working out today, but the entire time I kept thinking, 'I am going to get so skinny, I'm going to get down to 93 lb, I'm going to DO this...'

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Fuck the Freshman 15

I weighed-in this morning at 103 lb. Damn straight, I lost 2 lb since Wednesday! So I'm doing pretty good. I swear to God, I barely ever have time to eat. All I want to do is work out and stay in my room studying all day. I'm at that point, again, where I have to force myself to eat something small. I feel better about my body now, I can see my hip bones and arm muscles again. I should be studying now, but I had to update because my stomach is acting up. Gurgling and churning and stuff. It's annoying. I have no idea where or how to start my studying anyway.
Yesterday, I barely ate, so when I got home at 7, I was feeling so empty. It was a good feeling kinda. I just felt so empty all night and felt so very proud of myself. I'm trying to stick to a fat-free diet. It's just the extra-virgin olive oil that is holding me back from fat-free. But I'm working on it, trust me. I think I might be stuck with my fucking family for dinner. I'll purge if I eat more than a salad. I'm losing wwweeiight, I'm gonna get skinnnnierrr, tralalala...
OH! This morning my mom was telling me about one of our family friends. She has a 16-year old daughter and a 13-year old son. The son just got out of the hospital. He was in there for 2 months for...anorexia. I was stunned. People wondered why he was so skinny. Apparently he did sports like crazy and would work out like there's no tomorrow. 13 years old! Male! His father is a doctor, too...But I guess since the family's Indian, no one suspected that. The worst thing is getting caught. It ruins everything. It ruins a family. It ruins your plans. If you've been caught, as I have been too, you know what I mean. So here is the golden rule, just like in Dexter: "Don't get caught and never let anyone see the monster in side you."
"Keeping the truth from the people closest to you is how you'll survive, and how you'll protect them if anything ever goes wrong." - Harry Morgan (Dexter season 1)

Friday, September 10, 2010

About A Boy

Girls. I met a boy. I met a boy. I met a cute boy. I met a cute boy who told me, "You're, like, insanely gorgeous."
The Story:
Remember, I am a boring girl. I don't have much fun, I don't have an real friends. I don't go to parties. I don't get invited to parties. I'm not popular. And I have not had a guy friend in almost 3 years. I don't even get chances to talk to boys! Today, was the tri-campus parade and I got very bored of it, so I jumped out of the parade and took a subway to the Eaton Centre and did some shopping. Then I got back on the nearly-full subway. Across from me was a boy, my type of boy: straightened brown hair, black skinny jeans, polo...He looks like Alex Evans. I looked at him once. The whole ride, out of the corner of my eye I could see him glancing at me. I was thinking about how cute he is, how I wish I knew him...I became aware of him looking at me and glanced at him a couple more times. Then he got off at the station before mine. I looked up at him and he looked back and as he was walking off the subway, he looked back again! So in my head, I was like, 'okay, why, why didn't one of us say something, what if that was fate, if we missed out on each other...' I got over it soon though. I got off at the wrong station. So I got back on the subway and got to the right station to catch a bus back to UTM. I'm lining up for the bus, and the same cute boy is coming to line up behind me. Whoa. Unexpected much. I HAD to smile, because there was no denying the connection. On the bus, he sat across from me. 5 minutes passed, and I looked over at him smiling and not turning away. He looked at me, looked away, noticed I wasn't looking away, and responded to my gesture by sitting next to me. We exchanged numbers. He's emancipated. And a drug dealer. And he lives in the most dangerous part of Toronto, where the gangs are. Ohhh, my. We argued over who would text first and never resolved it. Should I text? Tonight? What do I say? I am boy-deprived! I have no idea what to do!
So, in a way, I am super glad, I ditched the party.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I Just Wanna Change

Omg, 60 followers. Shout-out to all you lovelies! It means a lot that I have your support.
Today I went to the gym with a friend. Did cardio, and, because of my pressing, we tried all the machines. I'm a tank. Literally. We were at the gym for a good 90+ minutes. We even ran the 800 meter indoor track they have. I'm hoping I'll wake up tomorrow a pound or two lighter. All the walking around campus I do really exhaustes me. It was pretty cold out today, and I'd be walking around the campus and in the building with a thin layer of sweat on my face...burning calories! Another plus, I barely have time to eat. BARELY. In fact, I wouldn't but I really don't want to faint or stumble around. Honestly, I'm fat-free and under 200 calories throughout the day. It's just when I come home that I end up having a little chocolate or something, which I usually purge. No biggie.
It's 9 34 PM, and I have 50 pages of Economics to read, then do an online quiz. Dammit. And I think I have some reading for Biology, too...Ahhh. I still haven't found any friends "like me." Tomorrow night's the big tri-campus party. I don't think I'll have time for I'll probably have the shittiest time at the biggest craziest party...of my life. JESUS, it really depresses me that I can't have a good time without alcohol, that I'm that type. I guess all I can do is accept it and lose a bunch of weight to make up for it. Be yourself. Stand up for what you believe in. Think beautiful thoughts.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Watch Me Vanish

Second day of uni and I'm already stressed out. I'm also sore. From major working out at the UTM gym. I got out of calculus and ran to change and made it to a pilates class. 50 minutes. Then went to a kickboxing class. 50 fucking minutes of intense turbo working out. I'm not sure if I like kickboxing too much, but a workout's a workout...Then I went to the actual gym. I've never used a public gym before. I was pretty clumsy, trying out the treadmills and ellipticals...They have separate treadmills for running and only walking! Ugh. I go on an elliptal and my iPod dies instantly, and I don't feel like going back to the changerooms to put it away, and bags aren't allowed in the gym so I'm feeling like an idiot, wearing headphones to an iPod that isn't even working...Tomorrow, I'll go back and do cardio, maybe try the machines. Every Wednesday I'll do the pilates and maybe kickboxing.
I'm getting back into routine. I ate close to nothing. When I came home, my parents called me to dinner and watched me and my sister eat. I had a big salad and 1/4 cup of whole wheat spaghetti with sauce. Of course, with my goal in mind, I purged the spaghetti. This morning I weighed in at 105.8 lb. I went to Walmart today and bought a fantastic red digital scale for $12! It's glass, fairly compact and pretty lightweight. When I bought it, I opened it, stuffed the scale in my school backpack, and threw out the box in the trash outside Walmart. I'm stashing it in deep within my closet. I'm excited to watch the numbers drop.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

First Day

I'm tired after my first day of university. It's very interesting. I had three classes and it hadn't hit me that I was actually in school. Then I had economics. I can't even say what I learned. That's when it hit me that I'm IN SCHOOL. Summer's over, shit.. I did a lot of walking around campus back and forth, lining up in the book store...My only slip-up was giving in to going to Coldstone after classes with a couple of high school friends. Other than that, my day went well. Actually...the Coldstone thing really brought me down. I'll go to the amazing gym at UTM tomorrow since I only have one class from 11-12. I'm gonna run my ass off and try all the machines.
My mom totally flipped out when I came home for dinner and told her "I'm not eating all that rice. I'm putting half back." She was all like, "No, that's not even a lot!" I said, "I TOLD you, HALF my plate's gonna be vegetables and a QUARTER rice. I SAID that's my commitment." My mother replied by saying, "Fine, but I'm going to weigh you every month." I was like, "Uh, NO. That's not gonna happen. I'm not letting you, this is MY decision to establish a healthy LIFESTYLE for ME. ME. MY life. MY decision." She said, "As long as it's healthy." I said, "These are Canadian Health Guide standards. So..there." And she dropped it. I won.
I chickened out from buying the scale today. Everytime I'm about to spend money, I ask myself if I NEED it, and I thought of how the Wii Fit would suffice...Gah...Come to think of it, I would like to have more knowledge of my weight, when ever I want. So maybe a scale would be an investment. I can't go downstairs to the Wii 2, 3 times a day... I'm so tired. I'm gonna face my fear and weigh in tomorrow morning. I don't have to be at UTM until 11. I can sleep in. I have a crapload of organizing to do now. Nighty night!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Practice Makes Perfect

Tomorrow it all begins. My commitment to start my new life, a healthy-ish life. My commitment to lose weight, until I reach my ultimate goal weight of 93 lb. I am not going to wait any longer. I will see 93 lb on the scale by my 19th birthday, May 24, 2011. I am going to MAKE THIS HAPPEN. I have told my mother about how half my dinner plate will be vegetables. I didn't mention that I will NOT be having white rice, but she can figure that out later. She's agreed to eat more veggies with me. This week, I'm going to buy a digital scale and stash it in my room so I can weigh myself more often, easily. It's very cumbersome to have to sneak into the basement in the mornings, turn on the Wii, and weigh myself on Wii Fit. There are only so many times I can use the excuse 'I'm going to record a TV show.'
Tomorrow's gonna be stressful, since it's my/the first day of university. I accidentally messed up my schedule online, so I am going to try fixing it tomorrow at the office, but I'm not sure if I'll have time...I'm kicking myself for fucking up this bad. I had the perfect I'm on the waitlist for something I was already signed up for and I'm waiting to see if I can get into a lab section that doesn't conflict with another of my classes. Ugh. And to add to my problems, I've discovered something else I can binge on: 12-grain bread dipped in olive oil+balsamic. It's healthy and all, but not for someone who wants to lose fat and get to 93 lb.
But! Let's not forget my promise! I have promised that I'd never cave in for any reason again. I'm not going to binge anymore. I'll remember that every time I reach for unnecessary food. I'm gonna start this all off tomorrow by being active and healthy. In spirit with the whole fresh start thing, I think I'll take a laxative tonight to clean out my system. I'm not sure if I will, but maybe. Stay strong, lovelies! And good luck to anyone else going to college/school!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Can't Stop Won't Stop

I'm sick. Someone at orientation week must have been sick and because of how close everyone was during the club nights, I must have caught this cold from someone. This sucks. I didn't go to the activities today because I am miserably sick. There's a medieval times party tonight that I really want to go to...Anyway, it's been really exciting being at UTM and doing orientation with 1200 other first years. I've been in tiny private schools my whole life where everyone is the same and no one is good-looking. Being around attractive girls and boys is really new and exciting for me! Also I'd never been partying until Wednesday and Thursday night. On Wednesday, I had some vodka before the party and on Thursday I did not. I have come to the conclusion that I'm not the partying type. It's not in my nature. I am the kind of person who is boring and can't have a good time without alcohol. Realizing this on Thursday night made me utterly depressed.
Eating wise, I haven't been paying attention to. They feed us there and other than 3 meals I don't eat. The meals aren't the healthiest, but with all the running around and jumping and vigorous dancing I've been doing, I'm burning tons of calories and maintaining my figure. School starts on the 7th and that's when I officially start my weight-loss regime. Work out 6 days a week. Eat the bare minimum. Read a novel every month. Study everyday. Don't lose focus. Don't forget what is really important in life: beauty and intelligence. Like my dad is always telling me, "The most powerful woman in the world is smart AND beautiful."