Bones, Bones, Bones!

I don't think my weight will be lower tomorrow morning, because when I came home from school today, I binged and purged. Yuck. It was a good day. Then I went to Economics. I don't really understand that class. So almost the entire lecture, I didn't take any notes because I figure, 'I don't understand what the fuck is going on so I shouldn't really write if I don't know what I'm writing, I can get help later.' 90 minutes into the lecture, I see the prof looking directly at me. He says to the whole hall, "Upper year students will tell you this: your notes in class will account for 90% of your mark." I freeze, and pretend to write crap down. He was obviously talking to ME, in a hall of 380 students...I felt like shit. And I was starving. I was feeling thin and lovely, but still starving. And all I could think about was food. I looked down at my paper and saw that I had drawn a stupid pretzel! That's how hungry I was! I planned out a binge: 1 soft pretzel and 6 Mrs. Fields cookies. So after the lecture I went to the mall and headed to the photography store to drop off a roll of film. I had such a nice conversation with the people there, that I didn't feel like binging anymore! When I got home, however, I saw the bread and wolfed down two slices with olive oil and chocolate. Then purged. All better.

I had my first recital ballet class today. It's teen ballet, so I'm the oldest, tallest...But I am also the skinniest. I am the boniest. I could feel my collar bones jutting out, my arms dangling like twigs, the skin stretched over my chest and ribs...I also have the tiniest boobs. One little 13-year old girl has a bigger chest than me! I felt a tad awkward. But nonetheless, I felt thin. It's nice to feel thin, then look in the mirror and see it, too. Here's what I basically eat: breakfast-natural muesli+raspberries+nonfat yogurt (125 cals), apple (50 cals), ww bread slice(85), light cheese (45), nonfat yogurt (35), celery/carrots (15). Breakfast is my only real meal, everything else is spaced throughout the day. If I eat more, it's purged most likely. I just need to build up my strength to avoid the "binging" in order to get down to 93 lb. I SWEAR, girls, it's HAPPENING this time.