Thin=Happy

I think I'll stay in my room all day. I don't want to eat. I want to be light. I want to wake up light. You know. Feel beautiful. I've felt it before. So I think I'll pull out the ol' will power and study in my room all day. I am going to focus on Biology. That's it. And I'll do some ballet and calisthenics on my breaks. I really can't even think about eating right now. I did 72 push-ups last night, and right after that, some malicious force dragged me into the kitchen and somehow I scarfed 2 cookies down my mouth. I told my mother about how my energy levels have been so low due to the amount of carbs/bread+butter I've been bingeing on (I didn't SAY bingeing). She agreed, and told me I need a "balance." So I'm making her buy lots of greens so I can make salads for myself. I find that when I exercise and don't eat a lot, my energy levels are so so so HIGH and I'm in a good mood! So that's what I'll strive for from now on. I'm up-ing my fruits/veggies intake. I want to be thin=happy. Direct correlations.

A couple of you asked for my diet plan. I lose 3-5 lb per week on it. Here it goes: Breakfast is always 1/2 C muesli with 1/3 C non-fat yogurt and 1/3 C raspberries=150cals. The muesli is 100% natural, not processed in the slightest, organic, whole grains, and only 2 grams of fat per cup, which comes from sunflower seeds. It's imported from Germany. 3-4 hours after breakfast, I have a rice cake (40cals). 3-4 hours later, apple (50 cals). 3-4 hours after that, I have a slice of whole wheat bread with raspberry jam (100cals)...4 hours later nonfat yogurt (35 cals). That's it. I'm thinking of cutting out something, and replacing it with a salad, but either way the plan works. Also, I exercise 4-5 days per week. Each workout has a 30-minute cardio component and at least a 15 minute strength training routine. I work abs 2-3 times per week; I do back/biceps, triceps, and shoulders on non-consecutive days.

I have 20 days to lose at least 6 lb. Here we go... And to everyone who commented on my picture, thank-you so much! It takes my breath away thinking about the bond we all have. Really, it does.

Just a Thought

My parents were putting up Christmas decorations so I decided to make Snicklerdoodles. I had 4. Also, before, I decided that I don't like starving. Well, I've said this on here before, but I mean I don't like the emptiness. I'd much rather eat 35 fat-free calories every 3-4 hours, than go 12 hours without eating. And I've already established that I'm not a faster. My metabolism HALTS when I fast. Not even exaggerating. At least I'm being "healthier", not eating crap and focusing on eating as little as I possibly can. So because of the Snickerdoodle disaster tonight, I'm gonna have to work out again tomorrow. I've been working out like a dog all week...I did TWO intense hours today. On less than 150 cals! I have NO IDEA how I managed 30 minutes on the stationary bike. NO IDEA. I have NO IDEA how I managed to walk around campus without falling over, although I felt close to it at times.

ANYWAY. Should I do a vlog? I want to, but I'm nervous... I feel...too ugly?, I think. My fucking thick-ass hair, enormous bulgy eyes. Okay, haha, I'm not that ugly. Forget it, I'll pick a pretty day and do a vlog. Haha. Everyone's doing it.

To Be Completely Honest

I do not enjoy the feeling of emptiness. I do not like the feeling of starving. Of the emptiness I feel after purging every calorie in my stomach. I don't like it. Not one bit. That emptiness is what leads me to a binge. What I DO like, is eating 35 fat-free calories 4 times a day. I like the feeling my metabolism running. I like feeling accomplished and awake. Today, I satisfied every craving I had to binge. Yes, I purged, but I learned an important lesson. I learned that the emptiness is not worth it. The calories are not worth it. It's best to not eat, period. I eat 150 fat free calories at breakfast. After that, eating 35 fat-free calories 4 times during the day leaves me happy, light, and satisfied. I am so happy to have figured this out today.

So, whooooo's the skinny bitch? Me. Except my thighs. They are stubborn. EVERYTHING else is shrinking. But my thighs are fat rebels. They'll learn. I have faith in them... Spent an unexpected hour at the gym today. I finished failing my economics test at 9 AM, felt like shit, got over it, and went to the gym intending to do cardio for 30 minutes and get out. At the gym, I saw my economics buddy there! So we did the stationary bike together for 20 minutes (time FLIES when you're taking to someone). Then we did weights (women only hour in half the gym!) for 15 minutes. Oh, and me being a tank, I tried the bench press. I did 5 reps, 45 lb, I think. When she left, I spent 30 minutes running intervals around the indoor track. SO SORE now.

Weighed-in this morning at 103 lb. Yay! Omg, this is so exciting, I'm trembling, 3 more lb and I'll be 100 lb! Okay, okay. Last weekend was the biggest disaster of my life. Won't happen again. Mom's away all weekend, so no one's gonna come home with cinnamon raisin bread or chocolate or milk pastries for me! No one's gonna cook or ask me what I'll have for dinner. So...who's down for losing 3 lb by Tuesday? It's a contest, last one there's a Miley!!! (For Hannah Montana fans.) I'm kidding, it's not a contest; I'm just having fun. Take care, lovelies!

^Everyone love Karlie Kloss, right?!

A Sudden Urge

I'm sitting in the library studying Economics and

I just had a strange urge to forget about all this crap and just be normal.

You know...go out...actually eat something...

It was a very strange fleeting kind of urge.

My heart actually skipped a beat.

Weird.

AS IF I could ever do that...

Laying Low

Well, I got my period yesterday...like a week late. Whatever. This sucks, anyway. My energy levels are so low because I haven't been eating a lot and because it's that time of the month I NEED to eat more. It's like an impulse. I can't help it. And when I eat, I feel more alive. Two slices of bread and it's like this massive surge of energy flowing through my body. At the same time, it sickens me. I don't have a car anymore, it'll be in the shop for 1-2 weeks...This is bugging the hell out of me because now I can't drive to my running trail and I can't drive to the pool and I can't drive myself places to get out of eating at home. Lately, for me, it's gotten to a point, where eating is like a chore. I just don't feel like it anymore. Only if I'm doubled over with hunger pangs will I go eat something. Otherwise, I'm more than happy to lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking.

I really don't want to be average. I want to be thin. Thinner. I want to stand out. I want to be noticed by boys. So, here's to thinking thin.

You Move Me Like I've Never Been Moved

I'm tired of going back and forth. I want to find my own space. My own space in life. I cannot keep yo-yo-ing between hundreds of different lives. I want something of my own. I need to find out exactly who I am. I need to discover that person and show the world who I really am. Going at the rate I am, I'll never have real friends, never find love...never have a happy ending...or a happy anything! I need to find and establish a sense of belonging to myself. Right now, I have no idea who the people raging inside my soul are. I am a hundred different people, depending on my mood or the people I'm around. I don't want to deal with that kind of strain on my soul anymore.
So, I need to sit down and think and write everything down. I need to figure out who I am once and for all. I do not want to eat. I don't want to binge. Ever. I hate eating junk. It turns me into a person I do not want to be. I don't want to be sad. Eating junk makes me sad. What possesses me to binge and make myself sad? I don't want that anymore. It's time for a permanent change.
Today is my witness. Everyone reading this is my witness. I will make this better. I will figure this out and shed this excess skin, this excess fat. I will be the person I've always wanted to be. I'll be beautiful. Thin. Self-controlled. That concert on Sunday night really has brought things into perspective for me. I wish I could have real friends. Ones like me. Who feel the same way about music. I don't remember the last time a boy liked me. It was almost 4 years ago, maybe. I don't even know boys, anymore. I want to be beautiful, in every possible way. I want to be around beautiful people. I want to see beauty in life. I want to feel magical. I hope things get better for me when I start university in September. I really hope so.

Lay low, dream high.

(Non)sense

I say, I can DO this. I can lose so much weight, if I want to. I am strong. I have the potential to be all bones. I can change myself. I want to be skinny, lovely, fat-free. I want to be stared at. I want to show that I am in control over myself. That I have complete power over myself and my emotions and human temptation.
I got to thinking last night. I wondered a great many things. One being, if this was all some sort of cry for attention. I have never thought about this. I hate attention. I hate it with a passion. I really wish people would leave me alone. But then, why the desire to be stared at? Why am I trying so hard to become so skinny that people ask, admire, stare, and possibly worry? It doesn't make any sense. But it's the only kind of sense I know: nonsense. My obsession with weight, weight-loss, calories, fat, being skinny, and beauty has distorted my way of thinking. My image of beauty is distorted. Am I crazy or is everyone else just naive? Haha, that was funny. I'm really a complete psycho.
I went for a swim today. Now I am kinda sore. And, despite my goggles, my eyes are burning a bit. But, maybe that's due to my contacts that need to be replaced...I felt so good after the swim. My abdominal muscles were showing and I could feel them so strong. I felt good about myself! So, today has been good. Except that I ate some chocolate and mascarpone cream/icing stuff. It wasn't a lot, but it's fat. Fat is fat. Fat is also ugly. Fat in my system makes me feel fat. Thus, it also makes me feel ugly. Whatever. Dreading weigh-in tomorrow. I shall make a weekly goal from there.