Karlie at the Polo match.

I had seen these pictures in July, but after looking at them again today, I've decided that it is CRUCIAL that I get my ass to the gym and work out like crazy.  I want to be like my princess, Karlie Kloss.  I mean, look at how FLAWLESS she is.  I swear, Karlie is my ultimate inspiration.  For everything.  

Will Power

My younger sister is starting to work out. It's kinda freaking me out because she's the "happy daughter," the cute one, the one that eats ice cream every night. This morning she was like, "I want to be like Alisha, she's healthy." My mother scoffed and said, "Alisha's not healthy, Alisha's mad. She doesn't know how to live." Fucking bitch. I love my life. Anyway. I just had 2 slices of bread and butter, which was NOT planned. But not a binge and not a big deal (today). Tonight is grandpa's 80th bday hall party. I'll only eat salads. Promise. I want to share with you all this little something that an old friend of mine posed a very long time ago. It's up on my bulletin board and never fails to inspire me.

Will - desire, want. Direction in which the flow is downhill.

Power - I'm not sure. Guesses:
-Volume of flow under your control. I suppose that is the energy you have power over. 

-Ability to go against the flow

Happiness is feeling a fast flow.

Will is the direction you perceive as downhill, and thus the direction that you believe will cause you to move fastest when travelled.

Hate is resistance to flow. 
Resistance to the movement of energy. Why would you resist the movement of energy? If you believe a lack of resistance would take you in a direction that you do not want to travel in, hate is stiffness, flexing, tense, afraid.

Power is your ability to move independent of flow. 
Power is unnatural, non-oraganic.
Power is independence.

That is why hate feels like power.
Power is the ability to move independent of the flow around you. 

And hate resists the flow. But it does not create a flow.

Will power is moving uphill


Forcing yourself against the flow.

The Scheme

I'm really sick. Like, sick in the head. Ana and Mia are raging inside me. I'm not usually like this. Usually me and Ana are frolicking around weightlessly and powerful. But currently there is a war. I'm fighting, believe me. I cannot bear this mental pain, but I have to fight, I'm a fighter. I am very sick. It doesn't help that I'm tired, as well. I need to sleep. Maybe then, this fighting will stop and me and Ana can live in peace.

I'm scared of the treadmill, now. What if I slip and fall again? I suppose I'll just use the indoor track for a while, until I feel safe again. Sorry for this lousy tone...I'll be okay. At least, I hope so. Wait, NO! I KNOW so! I WILL be okay! I can WIN this! I'm not afraid of hunger, or the pain, or the fight! Goddam, this is going to be so hard, but I'll make it. I'll make it. I'm cutting out bread and rice and refined carbs, after breakfast, completely starting tomorrow. That's Plan A. I'll get at least 8 hours of sleep EVERY night. I'm only allowed 90 minutes of casual Internet surfing daily. The Scheme To Eat No More is starting now. NOT tomorrow. NOW.

Restless

I've been feeling restless, lately. I am spending too much time on the Internet. It's not healthy. But now, I am so inspired to do better. By that I mean I am so motivated to lose weight. I know what I'm capable of. I do not want to be a lazy, tired, fat-ass. I'm not. I am going to slim down these nasty thunder thighs if it's the last thing I do! I will be thin, lovely, graceful, feminine.

This year, I’m going to be a completely different person. I’m going to be skinny, I’m going to be the girl who reads books in class and is organized, I’m going to be ‘that’ girl to guys, I’m going to have long hair, I’m going to be top in all of my classes, nothing will phase me - I will be perfect.

Thou Shall Not Gain Weight

I actually don't even know why I eat. Yuck. I feel like shit for eating all that almond butter just a minute ago. I'm gonna ditch dinner tonight. Since I don't have my car for the time being, my mom will have to drive me to ballet tonight at 5:30 and my dad will pick me up at 7 30. My class ends at 7, so I'll just feed my parents a story that I got hungry waiting for a ride so I had a poppy seed bagel with cream cheese from the cafe. That will get me out of dinner. I'll eat half of the whole wheat spaghetti my mom made especially for me for lunch, and flush the other half down the toilet. I'll have an apple before ballet. Lately, I haven't been getting enough fruits and veggies.

And, oh, crap! My dad is taking our whole stupid family to the beach tomorrow. I love the beach. I hate the food. There is no way I am going to get out of eating a goddam burger tomorrow. It's just not gonna happen. Dammit. Last week, I managed to get us out of going to the beach because of the car accident. I hope it rains like mad tomorrow. I really don't want that burger...Hopefully I can get away with eating half of it, or just the bun, or...I don't even know. Or I can "take a long walk" after eating and purge somewhere in the woods. I just cannot bear to ruin the progress I've made in the past 3 days. I love being able to feel my ribs as I slide my hands down my side. I love my hip bones and tiny wrists. It's also nice to feel comfortable about wearing a tank top because of my toned arms.

Since I'll be extra early and saying later after ballet tonight, I'll buy a day pass for the gym and use the cardio machines for as long as I can. Damn, I'm motivatied to lose weight.

For Us

Take your hands.

Place them on the left side of your chest, right where you can feel your heart beating the strongest.

Inhale until there’s no room left in your lungs.

Exhale until you are empty.

Repeat as many times as you need to rid all the thoughts from your head except the sound of your own breathing.

You have abused yourself for too long.

There is a beautiful person living inside you,

brimming with emotion and life and potential.

She has been smothered for too long by food

and fat

and insecurity.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Now ask yourself out loud:

Is this worth it?

Is this food really worth it?

My Wish

I wish I could be pretty.
And delicate.
I want thinner arms. Frail arms.
I want to look fragile. Not thick.
I do not want to feel my thighs thundering around as I walk.
I want to be able to walk swiftly, gracefully.
I want bones. I want to be clean, pure. Not fat-filled.
I want to be able to walk around knowing that I am truly beautiful and lovely.
I want to feel beautiful and lovely. Confident.
I want to look good in everything.
That is my wish. My want, my desire. My lust.

I want to say hello to my followers. I heart all of you lovely petals. Sometimes, we just need to know that somebody knows and understands, and gets it.

That's it

I've had enough of binging.
I mean, I've had enough!
I was so good last week. Between the 19th and the 23rd I lost almost 2 pounds. I gained three pounds over the weekend.
I don't know why I "yo-yo" like this.

I want to be thin and frail and...perfect so bad!
I want my arms to look like sticks, like the way they did when I was bulimic last year.
Since losing my gag reflex, I've gained a lot...
But I can get over this! I can become skinny!

There are 25 days until my birthday. I want to lose 10 pounds by then. 10 pounds.
I need to stop binging. Stop eating junk. I need to get it into my head!
I'm getting so fat with all this binging! I don't want to be 106 pounds! I want to be in the 90s! I want to be thin...that's all. I feel so worthless. Like nothing is more important than being thin. I think, I will starve myself tomorrow. Only fruits and vegetables, if I'm really hungry.

Remember what you want, darling. Remember what is more important. Being thin will feel way better than that chocolate will ever taste.

Boney arms and protruding hip bones <3

Mindless

I've been contemplating getting another blog, for my specific "ramblings."

As in, ED, ana, etc...

I just need a place where I can write about this stuff and get feedback.

I really just want to be perfect.
Get into shape. Toned. Beautiful. Skinny.

Ultimate Goal Weight: 93 lb.

I want that Marchesa dress to be my graduation dress. I want that body first.