A New Life Awaits

There are bones underneath all this fat. I know they're there. It's just a matter of getting them to come out of hiding. I don't have to become a skeleton. That's not what I want. I just want to be thinner. I want to become all muscle and get rid of this fat that's accumulated on my body. So I have a plan. It has finally hit home how important it is for me to get a job. I need independence. I need control. I need to be an adult. I need to make my life my own. I've finished my resume and gotten some references. Tomorrow I am going out and handing out my resume everywhere. I'd rather work close to campus because when I move out, my place will be close to campus and that way I can keep that same job. I know that I'll be getting a job soon and I already feel more in control of my life! It's incredible. Once I get my job, my parents won't be able to nag me about anything. I won't need to ask them for anything. I'll have an excuse to spend time away from the house. Ahhh, so excited!

The second part of my plan is diet. I've decided to make a complete change in my eating. I'm going to cut out all carbs, like bread, rice, sugar, pasta, potatoes, etc. I'm allowed fruits and veggies and chicken. And I will try to avoid red meat when I can. I don't eat cheese anyway, but I'm cutting that, too. This is gonna be a hard transition, but I'll ease into it. So for breakfast, I'll have a shit-ton of egg whites and a shit-ton of fruit. We'll see how it goes. If I can't take it for a week, I'll make a new plan. But I'm really excited to try this and make it work! I'm gonna be sooooo skinny for the end of the month! 

Overboard

I haven't gone overboard in a long time. Something possessed me this morning to have a really BIG snack: bread (110), olive oil (60), cheese (40), and nutella (75). That's a 285-calorie snack! With 15 grams of fat! Holy crap. NOW I'm pissed at myself. I wanted today to be a rest day, but in 10 minutes I'm dragging myself to the gym to do 35 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes in the rowing machine and 20 minutes of strength training. The reason I'm extra pissed is because tomorrow we're hosting a wedding shower and my mom isn't serving the healthiest food. I'm nervous about it. I was HOPING today would be perfect so if I slipped tomorrow, it wouldn't be so bad. BUT NO. I fucked up. Now I'm going to the gym and I'll have to be extra diligent tomorrow.

I'm really agitated at the fact that I'm not losing weight. I suppose I need to push HARDER and be more FOCUSED about my diet. This is the summer I become ripped.

Really Quick Update on 246

I'm still doing 246, but I messed up today. Which isn't so bad since I've been okay for 5 days. But there still is a bad part: I overdosed on Nutella. I've been crash dieting for over 2 years, and I know exactly what will make me gain weight over night and what won't. Nutella will make me gain weight exponentially in a matter of hours. So, uh, bye-bye progress. But, hey!, bright side: I pre-planned to go to the gym everyday for the next 5 days, so that exercise, along with regular 246 diet, will bring me back to speed. I don't have much time to blog/comment this week, it's a busy one. Well, this whole month is, since it's the last month of school. Tomorrow is a 200 day. I have made a plan: safe foods, meal times, how to deal with hunger, what's important in [my] life, why I can't mess up, etc. I carry it everywhere. It helps. The right mindset is a crucial thing to have. Without it, you'll never get anywhere. All this is a question of mind over [food doesn't] matter.

Day 3 and Spaghetti Squash

I'm not gonna lie, it's extremely difficult to focus while eating 200 calories a day. I'm studying for a biology midterm and it's like I'm staring at my notes, but nothing's happening. Like, I have been staring at this one page for 15 minutes and nothing is getting through to my mind; I can't focus properly. But it's all good once I pop a couple raspberries in my mouth or have a cup of green tea. Despite the fact that I can't focus as well, I am not tired. It's like I'm in this state of hunger-induced insomnia/mania. So I can stay up as late as it takes to study, without getting sleepy. And it's so trippy. I was looking at my bulletin board, and it doesn't look like the paper is pinned to it; everything is floating. But I mean, that goes away once I eat something, like a strawberry. I am so proud of myself. Total intake for today was 207 calories.

Tomorrow is a 600 day! Dad is barbecuing lemon pesto chicken breasts, which I'll eat with a salad. And I'll get to have a long-awaited 200-calorie sweet bun for lunch. I'm allowed. See how fun 246 is?! You never feel deprived, so you don't feel like bingeing because you can eat in a couple days! Okay, so, I made spaghetti squash for lunch today. Cut in half, scrape out seeds/strings, bake cut side down in 375F oven for an hour, scrape out spaghetti strands from peel inwards. Eat with tomato sauce. Satisfying. One cup is 42 cals, but I was full with half a cup! I'm so excited to eat more than 200 cals tomorrow...I just want to put out there that being able to eat 600 calories doesn't mean I can eat 600 calories of junk. I have to make them count. Eat good calories. I'm losing weight consistently. This is good.

Day 2

Day 2 of 246 is complete. Total intake: 420 cals. I was so scared I was going to end up having to eat a FULL meal with my family, but I think my mom noticed I didn't eat much yesterday due to the lack of veggies at home so she made up for that by cooking okra for me. She makes it so delicious! And I can get away with eating a plate of only that for dinner. I love 246! I just feel so happy on it, and it's flexible! For instance, I just keep telling myself, 'You can't have that today, but tomorrow you can eat it!' All I have to do it get though the 200 day. The 600 (even the 400 days) are days to look forward to, so I try to stay strong on the 200 days. One day does not last very long. I'm already noticing my tummy go down, but that's minor. I can't wait until real results show up! And I await the day that the scale shows less than 105 lb.

I'm a little unsure about Saturday/Sunday. My parents will not be home on Saturday, but their plan is to have a family dinner on Sunday. Tomorrow is supposed to be a 600 day, but I'm switching it to a 200 day. Just in case I end up having to eat dinner with my family, Sunday will be a 600 day. Last night, I finished eating by 6, and I was starving while studying at 11 PM. But I started playing solitaire, which I get REALLY into, and I got too tired to leave my room to eat. It's all about distractions. It's nearly 7 PM, and my eating is done for the day. I have to remind myself. I will succeed this time.

Starting 2-4-6

Inspired by a friend who lost 15 lb in two weeks by doing the 246 diet, I've started it. She told me that the best thing is to plan out meals and eating times for each day. So that's what I've done, and honestly, I am so excited. My eating plan is so pretty and yummy and easy to follow and completely fool-proof! As well, I've come to terms with hunger and how it's something that comes and goes, and it's just something that I'll have to deal with. Hunger doesn't tell me when to eat; my eating plan does. Today's a 200 day. I've had muesli, yogurt, and raspberries for breakfast (85 cals) and I just had a yogurt (35 cals). I'm not sure what I'm gonna do, but I can either have some egg whites or an apple for dinner. I am going to STICK to this diet. My friend managed to do 17 days without messing up. I'm going to attempt cooking, like roasting vegetables or spaghetti squash, just to make things fun. Imagining myself when I'm thin is so exciting! I can't wait to succeed.

This is Karlie Kloss and she is my favourite model. Ever. I've been so tempted to do a Karlie post with the hundreds of photos I have of her, but she's just so lovely, you have to post her sparingly...if that makes any sense...I'm gonna tag all the posts I have with Karlie from now on, haha.

New Diet and a Starbucks Catastrophe

I'm was sick of my own bullshit so I created a diet that I am planning on doing for 10 days. For some reason, knowing that I'm doing an experiment that I cannot mess up on is extremely motivating, since I want to know the exact results. I hope the diet goes well, so I can post before/after pics with my "success" story. Wouldn't it be amazing to be a thinspiration?! I've been super good all week with my eating and exercise. I cap my intake at 500 calories and exercise everyday, without fail. My abs/obliques are visible without flexing. My arms look thinner. My tummy is flat again! I'm going to shrink. I'm going to be lovely and tiny. The cutest girl around. I'll be able to wear anything. I'll look adorable in over-sized sweaters. I won't sweat. I'll be pure, fat-free. This is gonna get good.

Today, I was talking to a friend and she brought up those new vanilla tea lattes from Starbucks. She was all like, "We have to go to Starbucks, NOW!" I was hesitant, so I looked up the nutrition content online and decided that I'd be safe if I got it non-fat and sugar-free. It's just skim milk with a vanilla tea bag... So I got one with her. It was amazing. I was shocked at how good something non-fat and sugar-free tasted. We went to the library. I finished half the drink. Then I looked at the cup where they write what you ordered. Mine said "VRL" for Vanilla Rooibos Tea Latte. My friend's said "N CH" for Non-fat Chai Tea Latte. MY CUP WAS MISSING THE "N" for non-fat and "SFV" for sugar-free vanilla!!!!!!!! Oh, shit, you can imagine, I went all ape-shit with my friend and she told me he probably just forgot to write it down. No. I could trust it. What if it was WHOLE MILK!?! I told her I had to dash to class. I dashed to the bathroom. Tried to throw up. Failed. I dashed all the way to my class, bouncing like an idiot and lifting my knees extra-high on stairs. Had to burn those calories, ew. I felt so fat, though. I couldn't understand it, but it's how I felt.

Moral of the story is to DOUBLE CHECK if they got your order right. No harm in asking. Anyway, I burned 360 calories when I got home. Still thin. I hope I'm losing weight. I told myself I wouldn't weigh in until Sunday. So I've been resisting.

SGD Prep

This is just sooo stupid, how much I hate myself. I hate how I'm all talk no action. Like, I have no words for my pathetic-ness. Moving on. In preparation for starting the Skinny Girl Diet tomorrow, I'm creating my diet for the week. I'm doing that TODAY. This is going to be fun. I'm cutting out grain products, like bread, oatmeal, muesli, rice, etc. I'm going to be living off non-fat yogurt, fruits, vegetables, green tea, and water. To be completely honest, I feel ready. I feel strong enough to do this. I don't want to live my life unhappily fat. I want complete control over my life and my body. I've got school under my arm, it's just a matter of losing weight now.

Days 1-5:

breakfast- yogurt+raspberries= 100 cals

lunch- apple= 70 cals

Snack- yogurt= 35 cals

Dinner- chicken breast=50 cals

Snack- arugula+balsamic= 25 cals

I actually have no idea how to deal with more calories than that. I mean, I WANT to fast, but I don't want to mess with my metabolism like that. Haha. I'll ease into starvation. And I don't think I'll ever fast because I drive to school everyday and I'm not about to put other lives in danger just because I want to be thin. Sometimes when I study, I can't focus properly because all I can think about is food. It's not because I haven't eaten in a while; it's because...I'm obsessed with food. I've realized that just because it's food, doesn't mean I have eat it. Food is not for me. Not for a while. This is the life I've chosen. So if I get distracted by food when I study, I'll brush it off, won't give in. I'm happy that this is something I struggle with. I'd rather struggle with an eating disorder than cutting or drugs; or feelings or boys, for that matter.

On Friday, my intention was to go shopping and buy everything, since I hadn't been shopping in 2 months. But instead I bought a few things for the price of everything. Funny thing is I'm not done yet. It's so hard to find the stuff I'm looking for in shopping malls. So I'm looking online. Any recommendations for online shopping?

246/Progress Report

246 is going well so far. Yesterday, I had breakfast (150cals) went 12 hours without eating anything. I couldn't. I can't just screw up. At 7 30 PM I had a rice cake and a bite of chicken and that was that for the day. I worked out for an hour: running intervals for 30 minutes and 30 minutes of weight training. Today's a 400 day, and I'm just doing great. I have 150 cals left for today, so I'll have ww bread w/ jam (100) before ballet at 7 PM, and a nf yogurt (35) when I get back at 8 45. If I'm still up at 10, I'll have a bit of almond milk. But I want to focus on getting a TON of sleep since HOLIDAYS HAVE STARTED! WOO! I only have one exam on the 17th which is Biology which I love. And I can spend the entire 33-day break catching up on 4 weeks calculus. I have 33 days to catch up! That's plenty of time! So by the time term 2 comes, NOT ONLY will I be 95 lb, but I'll be 50% smarter, so much closer to perfect.

I'm gonna be HOT. Apparently, I've lost 2 lb since yesterday. I'm gonna be thin. I'm gonna get the Gym Hottie's attention (possibly, unless he only likes white blonds...). In any case, I'm gonna get SOMEONE'S attention. OMG, did I ever tell you lovelies about my calculus TA? Well, he's a bit of a cutie, so effing nerdy-cute. Awkward-cute. And he must know me because I'm the only one who asks questions in class. Anyway, yesterday I was leaving campus at 7 30 PM and I saw him coming down the hall towards me, so I held my gaze and smiled at him and he said, "Hey," and nodded acknowledging-ly. Something that small, just brightened my night. I smiled all the way to my car. I love him. Haha.

Today is my grandfather's 80th birthday, but I am not going to the dinner at the Chinese restaurant because I cannot afford the calories. I cannot risk the calories. My dad "is upset." My mom "is upset." My grandparents are probably upset. But I don't give a shit. I know I'm a monster. And I'm going to the big hall party on Sunday anyway. And this is about ME. ME reaching MY GOALS. Doing WHATEVER it takes. NO ONE can get in my way. No one can guilt trip me. I'm too strong. Tomorrow's supposed to be a 600 day, but I'm making it a 200 day because I won't be at home. Thursday's gonna be a 600 day, because I got myself into a stupid lunch with my mom and sister. Anyway, hope everything's going all right for everyone else! xo

Interesting

I knew this girl when I was in grade 10, three years ago. She's two years older than me. We were really tight. When she went to university, we never talked much just the random text every so often. I saw her at UTM, and I was like, 'whhhaaaaat.' So we're hanging out and talking again. In the library she saw my frequently viewed sites on my laptop for a split second. She's saw the link for BellaAna's blog, which says in bright white letters Long Way to Skinny. So my friend was all like, "Hey, go back to the skinny site." I got nervous as shit, and was like, 'uh, why, no.' She said, "Oh, I like sites like that. Have you heard of Random Anorexics.com?" I was dumbfounded. I laughed like a little girl, and started pulling up these thinspo sites. She showed me some of the ED sites she goes on. I fed her all this bull shit about how I think it's scary that there are sites like that up, blah blah. She was like "I guess, but isn't it funny and intersting?" Now she's asking me if I've read Winter Girls. I'm interested to see where this goes... It's fishy, but interesting.

Anyway, I'm doing okay for time. Not procrastinating as much. Getting sleep. Also, I'm starving as I type this. My family's at a luncheon and there's like no food in the house. Only my non-fat yogurt. I've decided to start the 246 diet again. I'm such a failure at counting calories but (whoa my stomach just growled MAJORLY), I need to do this. Everyone on here's making such amazing progress! I am NOT about to get left behind. I can't wait to work out at the gym tomorrow after my psych test. 2 hours, baby. I'm so looking forward to being tiny and delicate, and lovely. Stay strong!

In Writing

Rules:

-Less than 500 calories per day

-no carbs after 6 PM

-no calories after 8 pm

-ABSOLUTELY NO FAT WHATSOEVER

-money is not to be spent on calories

-exercise 5 days a week for at least an hour (Mon-Fri)

-stay strong

I love that picture. Anyway, I feel like I need some kind of structure. So I'm contemplating trying the 246 diet or ABC. 246 seems more manageable. And I know a girl who lost a ton of weight on 246. I think I'll start with 400 tomorrow. 600 Tuesday, 200 Wednesday, repeat. I binged today. What a shithead, I know. I didn't exercise at all this weekend...And I wasted 4 hours today. That's valuable study time! Dammit, now I'm behind. I hate letting you girls down. It make me sad that I write about starting over and making everything better and you girls always say I'm such an inspiration, and then I go and mess up by binging today. I'm sorry. I've let myself and you girls down. But it'll only take spending a few days away from home to get back into routine. At the library, away from food and distractions.

Why?

Why can't I just stop eating? Why did I have to slip up and not care about my eating for the past 3 months? I was I so stupid? I do not have answers to those questions.
But, dammit, I am so fucking motivated to lose 20 pounds and get back down to 95, shed this excess skin.

Honestly, it is so gross to look at my hips. I have a really skinny upper body compared to my lower body, especially my hips. Like, I swear to God, my hips are ENORMOUS. It wasn't always this bad, I just HAD to gain 12 pounds in 3 months...Idiot that I am...
Tomorrow, I have my first exam. One out of three. I am going to start the 2-4-6 diet. I know of a major success story out of that diet. I no longer give a shit about my parents and how they feel about me eating. This is NOT about them. It is NOT. It is about ME. Me me ME! I am number ONE. Being skinny is number ONE. I long to feel light, bony, and in control. It sounds so good...I feel like nothing is in my control these days.

It's like my parents think they know everything, they want to keep me in this box for as long as possible. They don't know everything! Last night, we went out for Italian and my dad started arguing with me about how when I turned 18 I probably thought that I knew everything. Like, what the FUCK!? He was all like, "You, probably, like most teenagers, thought you were so much smarter and that now you know everything, on the day you turned 18." I was like, "Uh, no, why would you think that, who thinks like that anyway?" He just kept pressing on about how I probably thought I was so much smarter now that I am 18. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. My dad always assumes shit like this. He always starts shit. He is the biggest dumb fucking asshole in the universe. And he smells.

That's one reason why I hate eating, especially around other people. Like if I'm binging, I'll hear my dad come home and IMMEDIATELY, I will hide the evidence and leave the kitchen because I hate eating around him. I mean eating around people, ESPECIALLY my dad, makes me so uncomfortable. This is most likely because ALL of our family arguments happen at family dinners. That explains it.
So tomorrow's limit, 200 calories. Can I do it?

Happy Birthday and Lifestyle Changes

I love running. I love knowing that I'm getting more fit, and I'm burning calories. I love feeling free. I went for a fitness swim for the first time in 3 years. It was the best thing I've done in a long time. I like swimming so much, now, that I wish I could go every other day! But I can't because my hair would get so dry and ruined from chlorine. (I only have to wash my hair once a week, as it is...) So every Friday, I'll go for a fitness swim.

I hate coming home and looking in the mirror and realizing how fat I am. So I'm not going to look at my body or weigh myself until Wednesday.
I've decided that restricting doesn't work for me. I'm going to go about this by eating 6 times a day, less than 150 calories each time. Also, I'm taking a break from calorie counting. Honestly, it has gotten so tiresome, despite using an iTouch app. I am going to get healthier. This is not going to be a temporary diet; it is going to be a LIFESTYLE. I need to make some serious changes in my life and my eating habits will be one of them.

I am 18 today. I am going to make my life better.

New Take?

Okay, the new plan is to cut out ALL fat from my intake. Like, fat just grosses me out. I really am sick of seeing it on my body and thinking about it makes my stomach churn. Ew, fat. I want to be leaner, so decreasing my fat intake should to the trick. I mean usually, my intake consists of over 25 grams of fat! That's disgusting, especially since my protein intake is around only around 40 grams...

So tomorrow:
-minimal/no fat
-workout for an hour
-aim for 600 calories.

And I'm thinking about getting Hydroxycut, to jump-start my weight-loss. Have any of you angels tried it? Tell me about it, if you have experience with it.
No fat. No fat. No more refined carbs. No refined sugar. No fat! No more self-destruction!

My pics and a desperate want

So, that's fat me. Tell me what you think. I can be so much skinnier if I just put in the effort. I think I've managed to get my parents off my back, a little, so hopefully I can lose at least 4 pounds in the next 20 days. I'm going to be 18 in one week, and I'm obviously not going to reach my goal of 98 lb by then.

Here's the thing: I really want to be back at 101 lb, like I was two months ago. I mean, I want this so bad. It makes me sad to think about how much I've gained and how wide my hips have gotten. So I'm going to start eating less fat and less carbs at night. Restricting doesn't seem to work for me. Maybe one day, but for now, it doesn't work. I went running today, intervals, in my new expensive running shoes. I felt good and the lovely weather made it that much nicer.

I told my parents about wanting to go to U of T and staying in residence, and boy, they freaked out. They never really THOUGHT about me leaving home. Never. My dad even admitted that they are overwhelmed. They are giving me crap about the price of residence, but I mean, they're loaded...Who asked them to take us on at least 3 luxury vacations every year? Who asked them to send us to private school all our lives? Who asked them to buy more cars than we need?

I just really need to escape. My house is a lonely box that holds me back. I would love to go away and not have unhealthy food around me all the time, and eat only if I wanted, and stay out as late as I want, and go to the gym whenever I want...and be in control of my own life.

Planning Loveliness + Recipe by me

Yesterday, I managed to get away with making a low-calorie-low-fat pancake for me on the side of my mom's fatty buttermilk pancakes. I was so happy. The whole day was gonna be fine, until me and my sister were leaving our tutoring place, and I really had to pee. So we went into Tim Horton's (coffee shop), and I told her to get whatever she wanted. I told her to get me ONE applefritter timbit (donut hole). I figure it's only 50 cals, 1 g of fat, no biggie. I come out of the washroom, and my sister's all like, "They didn't have any timbits, so I got you an applefritter donut. You'll eat it right?" In my head I was like, "Uh, NO, you idiot." If I only wanted ONE timbit, why the hell would I want a whole stupid donut, which is 300 cals and 11 g of fat. Ugh, I was so upset, because when I though I thought I would only take one bite of that donut, it ended up being so good that I ate the whole stupid thing, which depressed the crap outta me and so I went home and binged on Toblerone chocolate, bread, and Nutella.

Anyway, but today was a better day. Intake of 500 cals. I've been planning my intake, and following my schedule of working out. I worked out a lot today, and now my arms, abs, and quads are sore. Good! When I weighed-in this morning, I was 106 lb...Christ...I hope that's because I had to go to the bathroom (to get rid of...you know). So, with diligence I can be 103 by Friday. It honestly makes me mad the way I keep setting a goal day for 103 lb, and it NEVER happens. Well, you know what, it's GONNA happen this Friday. Girls, I promise, I'll be 103 this Friday. You can hold me accountable.

So here's my original recipe for the low cal pancake:
Mix together
2 Tbs Whole Wheat flour,
1/2 tsp Baking Powder,
1/3-1/2 tsp Cinnamon (however much you like).
Stir in
3 Tbs low-fat milk (I used 1%).
Cook on griddle/pan, flipping once. I used exact measurements, and when I poured the batter onto the pan, of course not all of the batter came out. So depending on the kind of ingredients you use, it should have less than 90 calories. Mine had 85, with virtually zero fat.

Today, I had more chocolate than I should have had (apx 100 cals), but tomorrow, there will be none. Also I need to decrease the amount of fat I intake. That means, no snacking on almond butter after-school! I'm going to start running next Monday. AND OMG, this summer I am going to be in a beginners adult ballet class! I'm so excited. Ballet is something I've wanted to do since I was a small girl, but my parents never put in in it, depite my asking. Instead they put me in stuff that I wasn't really interested in... ANYWAY, I'm so excited to do ballet and be graceful and toned and lovely.
I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to lose weight and be skinny. I'm excited to see where life after high school will take me. I'm excited for my life. I will be better. Tomorrow will be better, I'll make sure of it. Tomorrow's limit: 500 cals.

104.7

Okay, so I've decided that fasting isn't really for me. For two days, it really slowed my metabolism down. I felt it and saw it on the scale. Usually I would have dropped a at least ONE pound in two days, but with this fast I only dropped .5 of a pound. How stupid. So I'm just gonna focus on cutting calories. And exercising like crazy.

By Monday the goal is to be 103 lb. Since my parents are going to a wedding tomorrow night I can skip dinner and work out instead. I binged today: 5 timbits=250 calories. GROSS. So I've gotta be good tomorrow and Sunday if I want to be 103 on Monday. The problem is that Sunday is MOTHER'S DAY, and my mom wants me to make her buttermilk pancakes! OMG I make those from scratch, and BOY, let me tell you, they're restaurant style and there is SO MUCH fat in those! Butter and oil and buttermilk and refined carbs...Oh, I feel fat just thinking about it! What do I do? How do I get out of eating those? AND we're going to go to my grandparents' for dinner. Friggin' hell. I'm going to have to work out A LOT this weekend.

I'm going to start running next week. My mom and dad bought me expensive running shoes so I can start. Actually, I need to get proper pants first...Like those tight capri pants you see runners wear. Also, I'm going to start looking into fitness classes. I want to start now or in the summer. I want to try pilates, I'll look into ballet, or spinning, or kickboxing...I need to do something! Maybe I'll get back into swimming.

Oh, and I really hate my parents. They freaked out of their goddam mind on Wednesday because I refused to eat the hamburger they grilled for dinner. They freaked right out. They are SO ANNOYING! They watch EVERYTHING I eat. Everytime I grab something from the kitchen my stupid mother wants to know what I'm eating. Like, fuck off, I hate telling people what I'm eating especially if it's junk. I mean why does she always want to know what I'm eating. Why does she constantly watch me and my plate when I eat!? I hate her! I hate my parents! They NEED to leave me alone. They threatened to send me back to the ED clinic. So I ate only the beef of the burger. Oh, they are SO gonna get shit from me when I turn 18 on the 24. Then they can't make me go to any stupid clinic or make me eat when I'm 18.

Anyway, that's just a part of what's going on in my head right now...I've got so much to handle...
I will my thighs were that toned...

Fasting

Okay, yes!, so I'm 105 lb today. By Friday, could I possibly be 103.5? Possibly. I'm trying a fast for the first time in my life. Today's the first day. I'm gonna try and fast until Saturday. AT LEAST. This is hard; I started getting a headache around 2:00 pm so I had a couple of bites of WWbread and an Advil. Now I'm going to work out to burn the calories off.

I really hope I can get through this! If I can get to 103 by Friday, by Monday I can hope to be at 102. (Weekends really throw me off because I'm around my family a lot...) I'm gonna avoid dinner with my stupid family tonight by going to the library to study. I'm make something up, like I ate. My mom's always fucking hassling me about eating. I swear to God, if I end up having to eat with them tonight, I'll be furious.

Today I'm gonna do 10 minutes on the Stairmaster, then 15 minutes of abs, then 15 minutes of weight training with leg exercises between sets.
That's an amazing torso, with a pretty amazing body. All the fat is in her breasts. Lucky her. All my fat goes to my hips...

Weighed-in this morning at 107 lb. Yuck. By Friday, I'm hoping to be 105. AND I CANNOT SLIP UP OVER THE WEEKEND. I'm so sick of food, I swear to God.

And I HATE family dinners. I was gonna skip dinner today, and my stupid dad came home from work early so my stupid mom wanted to eat dinner as a family. I hate eating with my family because they're so critical of my when I eat. They always think I'm not eating, and blah blah. I hate them. I mean, truthfully, my day was so so perfect, until I had to sit and eat with them. They're such an annoyance in my life. Like food. Anyway, so I just pushed a lot of food around my plate...

Today's intake was 545 cals. No more for the day. I also did intervals on the Stairmaster for 25 minutes! Tralalala, I'm going to be skinny, I'm going to be skinny...I will!

I think I hate eating in front of other people in general. It makes me so uncomfortable.

So I have to do a TON of research on Emma and Anne of Green Gables, study for an advanced functions test, catch up on chemistry, and practice piano. Trust me it's a lot. Especially along with trying to lose 10 pounds in 21 days.
Think thin!

The Plan to Fail No More

The plan is to fail no more. That's the plan. I cannot keep telling myself that I can start over tomorrow. I have to lose AT LEAST 10 pounds by my birthday on May 24. I have never been a screw-up. I have never been known to be a failure. I'm ALWAYS the winner. I am scared that I am losing it.

I WILL NOT lose it. I am a winner. I am a go-getter. I am going to DO THIS because I NEED to show myself that I am capable of accomplishing something. That I am capable of doing something for myself. Lately, I've been feeling out of control, putting off studying, exercising, school, piano...I've been procrastinating. I'm slipping. I feel that if I can shape up, get into shape, and lose these pounds then I will be able to do anything. I will have the motivation to do better in school and such.

I will starve from now on. I'll eat bare minimum. I will have to DEAL with the hunger because I NEED to do this. I will prove myself to myself. This is for ME and no one else. I need bony arms, protruding hip bones, a rib cage that juts out, slender thighs, concave tummy, narrow hips...

I need this.

I've gained so much this week...I'm dreading weigh-in tomorrow morning...