246 is going well so far. Yesterday, I had breakfast (150cals) went 12 hours without eating anything. I couldn't. I can't just screw up. At 7 30 PM I had a rice cake and a bite of chicken and that was that for the day. I worked out for an hour: running intervals for 30 minutes and 30 minutes of weight training. Today's a 400 day, and I'm just doing great. I have 150 cals left for today, so I'll have ww bread w/ jam (100) before ballet at 7 PM, and a nf yogurt (35) when I get back at 8 45. If I'm still up at 10, I'll have a bit of almond milk. But I want to focus on getting a TON of sleep since HOLIDAYS HAVE STARTED! WOO! I only have one exam on the 17th which is Biology which I love. And I can spend the entire 33-day break catching up on 4 weeks calculus. I have 33 days to catch up! That's plenty of time! So by the time term 2 comes, NOT ONLY will I be 95 lb, but I'll be 50% smarter, so much closer to perfect.
I'm gonna be HOT. Apparently, I've lost 2 lb since yesterday. I'm gonna be thin. I'm gonna get the Gym Hottie's attention (possibly, unless he only likes white blonds...). In any case, I'm gonna get SOMEONE'S attention. OMG, did I ever tell you lovelies about my calculus TA? Well, he's a bit of a cutie, so effing nerdy-cute. Awkward-cute. And he must know me because I'm the only one who asks questions in class. Anyway, yesterday I was leaving campus at 7 30 PM and I saw him coming down the hall towards me, so I held my gaze and smiled at him and he said, "Hey," and nodded acknowledging-ly. Something that small, just brightened my night. I smiled all the way to my car. I love him. Haha.
Today is my grandfather's 80th birthday, but I am not going to the dinner at the Chinese restaurant because I cannot afford the calories. I cannot risk the calories. My dad "is upset." My mom "is upset." My grandparents are probably upset. But I don't give a shit. I know I'm a monster. And I'm going to the big hall party on Sunday anyway. And this is about ME. ME reaching MY GOALS. Doing WHATEVER it takes. NO ONE can get in my way. No one can guilt trip me. I'm too strong. Tomorrow's supposed to be a 600 day, but I'm making it a 200 day because I won't be at home. Thursday's gonna be a 600 day, because I got myself into a stupid lunch with my mom and sister. Anyway, hope everything's going all right for everyone else! xo
Good luck with everything this week! Sounds like you've got everything planned, and you'll do fine. I think that you're right with not going to the dinner, it'd definitely be tough- just call him up to wish him a happy birthday =)
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Victoria
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ReplyDeleteSocial isolation is a difficult trade off to justify, but a disordered inevitability. Are you sure you couldn't get away with faking a stomach bug and eating just steamed veggies and egg drop soup (70-100 calories depending) with your family? Oolong tea even helps block the absorption of fat and carbohydrates and stimulates your metabolism better than green. Seriously reconsider it. I think you have the discipline and positivity to make wise choices there.
ReplyDeleteyou're doing so fricken well! your determination is so admirable. but i do feel a twinge of guilt about your poor grandpa - it's good to focus on yourself but do be careful about hurting others. i agree with Elara; can you fake a sickie and just have some broth or something?
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It sounds like your doing really great! keep it up! oh my lord, I absolutely adore those nerdy-cute boys! I hope something happens between you two.;) i also admire your attitude. your right, nobody can stand in your way. you've got this in the bag, sweetie.
ReplyDeletestay strong!
you sound so motivated right now, it is really quite wonderful. :)
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment. Yes, Unfortunately it's all about the dorm life for me. Even tonight, they're holding a donut party basically outside my room. But I'm locking myself in my room at least =). I can't wait to move off campus!
Your days sounded rlly good. I binged again but no where close to as bad as last time. Plus I had way more burned calories to help. I liked your comment about being smarter and skinnier and being that much closer to perfect. I wanna be beautiful and the inside and the outside too. I have a bf so I'm not totally worried about catching anyone's eye but I'd love to be able to be with him and feel like I deserve him and not like some other skinny girl should get him. And soon I will be that skinny girl =).
I also liked what you said about how it's about reaching your goals. I don't think I though about it that way before. I'm always worried about eating in front of my friends so that they don't think I'm skipping meals. But you're right. If they think I am what are they gonna do? Talk to me about it. That's about all they can do. Not much more and then I can still restrict.
My question for you though is what do you do if there's more food in front of you? What if someone sets down way more food than you want? How do you get rid of it without constantly craving it? That's one of my biggest issues.
Well, I hope the rest of your day is good!
xxxxx
hahaha aww i love your quote "NOT ONLY will I be 95 lb, but I'll be 50% smarter, so much closer to perfect"! i don't blame you for not going to the dinner, i really do understand perfectly... even if it's a big deal to the family it just means that we're going to feel worse in the end! totally no worth it. you go girl :3
ReplyDeleteWe're all scared, all the time, otherwise we wouldn't do these things to ourselves. Please don't think anyone was judging you. When I've lied about feeling too sick to eat, I don't slip because I know I can't. Everyone would find out it was a lie and either explore why or fill my plate. In that case, the fear propels you.
ReplyDeleteyou're so inspiring :) and you're so skinny I am so jealous (I'm the same height). You doing great too, and your motivation is on top! Keep it up hun :) xx
ReplyDeleteYou are doing so well and you are so strong. Post some willpower to England for me? :)
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Wow, I love to here that you are doing so good!
ReplyDelete33 days of break? I am jealous! I have school until the 23rd December!!! I want to lie in bed until 10 in the morning and enjoy my days, too. Ugh.
You'll so do this, you've made it this far and I believe that you really won't screw this up.
Keep on going, my dear.
Send you all my love,
Merely
If your family wants you to be mad at you because you don't want to go eat, that's there problem. I'm glad that everything is going good for you! Keep up the good work! You are very inspiring to all of us!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment on my blog by the way. It was VERY appreciated :)
You WILL be 95lbs :D I do not blame you for avoiding the dinner, i would too, so don't feel bad!! Your doing so well, bring some of that motivation to me please haha? :) xx
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